All About Parenting Teenagers
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Hello All,
I need help for my son who is 15 yrs old and now he will be in the O levels next year.
He has lost his interest in studies, most he sleeps in class, we have got many complaints from all teachers.
He has become self- centered aggressive, not caring for others and confined to only playing with friends comes to us only when he needs money or any help . it is either he needs sports shoes or games or clothes .
He is very bright but never follows a discipline ..
Would it be we have to seek professional help for him? . He has been only playing and become aggressive, missing school though he informs us \" I am not going because the class is boring or full packed today or just one class\" which he could do at home if we don't agree he will still do what he has decided and becomes aggressive. However he uses the time to sleep and only play. He has gone out of our reach to even tell him that he is not doing the right thing. i feel as a failed mum
, as he does not listen to any of us and i am really not sure what he will do . few days ago he realized he has to study and he came to me saying he will study but then he soon realized the expectation to get in JC is very tough. So he feels he can't do it. After that it is gone to a drain and now he is back to playing with friends online and locked in his room always. Does not come even to eat lunch or dinner with us. It has been a tough time. Seeking anyone went through this tough time how you all handled it . if there is help it is very confusing to whom to reach out too. We have tried school discipline, career counselling nothing has worked well.
Sec 3 his result has dipped to B, C, D and F for 2 subjects, though he was promoted to sec 4 but we he has not woken up yet..
Sec 3 he graced through but next year we are very worried.. Need help. !! please share/advice how to handle .
thanks,
-ga. -
my daughter was bullied in school to the point of suicidal…she was on LOA this whole year.
it has been very tough for me and for her. she took her N levels this year.
to add on, the adolescent phase drove me nuts!
just when I thought exam stress is over, her never ending nonsense continued. I’ve done what I can and even tolerated B/G r/s. there were a few occasions I’ve broken down because the stress was just too much.
when the chain in her braces broke, I had to get an urgent appointment to see the orthodontist. there was a change of colour due to the broken chain (extremely vain)…but she wanted the orthodontist to change the colour on lower jaw as well. when I told the orthodontist it wasn’t necessary, this girl literally stomped all the way from NUH oral centre to the MRT. I ignored her and simply walked there slowly. right after her N levels, she went to colour her hair and did manicure! before her N levels, I tolerated her…but after her N, I saw no need to do that! she has to know who is the parent and who is the kid. she needs to know what is discipline. -
ga2004\" post_id=\"2001042\" time=\"1604287344\" user_id=\"6263:
With teenagers, any kind of acting out usually has more deep-seated reasons. Schools results is generally only the visible surface. He is obviously feeling that he can't cope well, and is probably losing hope. But before you can help, he has to trust you (or someone else who is willing and able to help). Has he always been less disciplined, and getting by just because he's fairly smart? If so, the lack of good habits is now catching up with him, but he has to realise this and want to change. If it's a recent change, then maybe something has triggered it.
Hello All,
I need help for my son who is 15 yrs old and now he will be in the O levels next year.
He has lost his interest in studies, most he sleeps in class, we have got many complaints from all teachers.
He has become self- centered aggressive, not caring for others and confined to only playing with friends comes to us only when he needs money or any help . it is either he needs sports shoes or games or clothes .
He is very bright but never follows a discipline ..
Would it be we have to seek professional help for him? . He has been only playing and become aggressive, missing school though he informs us \" I am not going because the class is boring or full packed today or just one class\" which he could do at home if we don't agree he will still do what he has decided and becomes aggressive. However he uses the time to sleep and only play. He has gone out of our reach to even tell him that he is not doing the right thing. i feel as a failed mum , as he does not listen to any of us and i am really not sure what he will do . few days ago he realized he has to study and he came to me saying he will study but then he soon realized the expectation to get in JC is very tough. So he feels he can't do it. After that it is gone to a drain and now he is back to playing with friends online and locked in his room always. Does not come even to eat lunch or dinner with us. It has been a tough time. Seeking anyone went through this tough time how you all handled it . if there is help it is very confusing to whom to reach out too. We have tried school discipline, career counselling nothing has worked well.
Sec 3 his result has dipped to B, C, D and F for 2 subjects, though he was promoted to sec 4 but we he has not woken up yet..
Sec 3 he graced through but next year we are very worried.. Need help. !! please share/advice how to handle .
thanks,
-ga.
How is his relationship with parents, siblings, friends, etc. and are there any problems? Is he being bullied, or having self-esteem issues? Any addictions to social media, computer games, etc.?
You may need to seek help from a family counsellor, to improve communication in the family. You say he doesn't listen when you give him advice or instructions, and if that is the case, you cannot help him until that is fixed. -
slmkhoo\" post_id=\"2001060\" time=\"1604293227\" user_id=\"28674:
Thanks simkhoo,
With teenagers, any kind of acting out usually has more deep-seated reasons. Schools results is generally only the visible surface. He is obviously feeling that he can't cope well, and is probably losing hope. But before you can help, he has to trust you (or someone else who is willing and able to help). Has he always been less disciplined, and getting by just because he's fairly smart? If so, the lack of good habits is now catching up with him, but he has to realise this and want to change. If it's a recent change, then maybe something has triggered it.ga2004\" post_id=\"2001042\" time=\"1604287344\" user_id=\"6263:
Hello All,
I need help for my son who is 15 yrs old and now he will be in the O levels next year.
He has lost his interest in studies, most he sleeps in class, we have got many complaints from all teachers.
He has become self- centered aggressive, not caring for others and confined to only playing with friends comes to us only when he needs money or any help . it is either he needs sports shoes or games or clothes .
He is very bright but never follows a discipline ..
Would it be we have to seek professional help for him? . He has been only playing and become aggressive, missing school though he informs us \" I am not going because the class is boring or full packed today or just one class\" which he could do at home if we don't agree he will still do what he has decided and becomes aggressive. However he uses the time to sleep and only play. He has gone out of our reach to even tell him that he is not doing the right thing. i feel as a failed mum , as he does not listen to any of us and i am really not sure what he will do . few days ago he realized he has to study and he came to me saying he will study but then he soon realized the expectation to get in JC is very tough. So he feels he can't do it. After that it is gone to a drain and now he is back to playing with friends online and locked in his room always. Does not come even to eat lunch or dinner with us. It has been a tough time. Seeking anyone went through this tough time how you all handled it . if there is help it is very confusing to whom to reach out too. We have tried school discipline, career counselling nothing has worked well.
Sec 3 his result has dipped to B, C, D and F for 2 subjects, though he was promoted to sec 4 but we he has not woken up yet..
Sec 3 he graced through but next year we are very worried.. Need help. !! please share/advice how to handle .
thanks,
-ga.
How is his relationship with parents, siblings, friends, etc. and are there any problems? Is he being bullied, or having self-esteem issues? Any addictions to social media, computer games, etc.?
You may need to seek help from a family counsellor, to improve communication in the family. You say he doesn't listen when you give him advice or instructions, and if that is the case, you cannot help him until that is fixed.
I am looking to get him support, i am really confused now. As to get him to talk to any of us is tough . He would only listen for half the conversation the minute we talk of studies he is off, now it is been 2 days he has stopped talking . I should say from young he has been less disciplined and gets by just last minute brush through in his grades.
Now he realizes he has to practice and he feels cannot do it. I tried to motivate him as how we were and his sis also could do it. i did go though a tough phase with her now she is doing her masters in Archi but that is not helping him. tried giving him many examples and asked him what he wants he says he is confused .. Later he agreed for tuitions but did not do diligently as he had agreed to and i feel may be he is angry with himself but i am not sure . Now he has shut off i am waiting patiently as if i force to talk to him he becomes very angry .. yesterday he asked me to stop tuitions and went off as i had to make another payment.
He is hooked to his PC games and plays quite late night, tried talking to take this off but he gets out of control and he became very aggressive and troubles all of us making noisy sounds while we have rest at night. He does understand that it is not good but the addiction to the internet is what is not in control . During school days at night after 11 pm the pc internet is off only during holidays and weekends he plays full time . But he still sleeps quite late.
If you can suggest any good counselling option i am ready to try, i have been looking but it is confusing whom to approach. I tried to approach the community center but i am not sure that is right option yet..
thanks
-ga, -
I don’t know about counselling centres to recommend, but others here might? And it may require parents to attend too, as it’s not just about the teen himself.
By the sound of it, there may be more to it than just studies. Have you tried to talk to him about other things, friends, life in general? You may need to rebuild your connection with him, and show him that you are concerned about him, not just his studies. If you are mainly talking about studies and gaming habits, and he’s experiencing problems with studies and addicted to his games, that may not be a good way to connect. You have probably exhausted the "talk to him" route about studies and behaviour. Somewhere in the past that connection was broken, and it will not repair itself without some help. -
I think (I think only)…try not to talk too much on studies and grades …maybe explore some alternatives on the plan for future? it may be difficult to see other paths now… maybe just try to let him know there is more than the current one(s) that we know right now, just need to look forward.
-
Thanks everyone for the support. I will keep options open and be patient. Yeah i have tried to talk about future and then tried to look what he needs to do . I realize kids are too young to understand this ..
yesterday he himself opened up, however anything we go against his wish this triggers him. it is really tough i have to balance it. Making them realize they are wrong in a way they understand is very tricky.
keeping fingers crossed ...
-ga, -
ga2004\" post_id=\"2001063\" time=\"1604295723\" user_id=\"6263:
Thanks simkhoo,
With teenagers, any kind of acting out usually has more deep-seated reasons. Schools results is generally only the visible surface. He is obviously feeling that he can't cope well, and is probably losing hope. But before you can help, he has to trust you (or someone else who is willing and able to help). Has he always been less disciplined, and getting by just because he's fairly smart? If so, the lack of good habits is now catching up with him, but he has to realise this and want to change. If it's a recent change, then maybe something has triggered it.slmkhoo\" post_id=\"2001060\" time=\"1604293227\" user_id=\"28674:
[quote=ga2004 post_id=2001042 time=1604287344 user_id=6263]Hello All,
I need help for my son who is 15 yrs old and now he will be in the O levels next year.
He has lost his interest in studies, most he sleeps in class, we have got many complaints from all teachers.
He has become self- centered aggressive, not caring for others and confined to only playing with friends comes to us only when he needs money or any help . it is either he needs sports shoes or games or clothes .
He is very bright but never follows a discipline ..
Would it be we have to seek professional help for him? . He has been only playing and become aggressive, missing school though he informs us \" I am not going because the class is boring or full packed today or just one class\" which he could do at home if we don't agree he will still do what he has decided and becomes aggressive. However he uses the time to sleep and only play. He has gone out of our reach to even tell him that he is not doing the right thing. i feel as a failed mum , as he does not listen to any of us and i am really not sure what he will do . few days ago he realized he has to study and he came to me saying he will study but then he soon realized the expectation to get in JC is very tough. So he feels he can't do it. After that it is gone to a drain and now he is back to playing with friends online and locked in his room always. Does not come even to eat lunch or dinner with us. It has been a tough time. Seeking anyone went through this tough time how you all handled it . if there is help it is very confusing to whom to reach out too. We have tried school discipline, career counselling nothing has worked well.
Sec 3 his result has dipped to B, C, D and F for 2 subjects, though he was promoted to sec 4 but we he has not woken up yet..
Sec 3 he graced through but next year we are very worried.. Need help. !! please share/advice how to handle .
thanks,
-ga.
How is his relationship with parents, siblings, friends, etc. and are there any problems? Is he being bullied, or having self-esteem issues? Any addictions to social media, computer games, etc.?
You may need to seek help from a family counsellor, to improve communication in the family. You say he doesn't listen when you give him advice or instructions, and if that is the case, you cannot help him until that is fixed.
I am looking to get him support, i am really confused now. As to get him to talk to any of us is tough . He would only listen for half the conversation the minute we talk of studies he is off, now it is been 2 days he has stopped talking . I should say from young he has been less disciplined and gets by just last minute brush through in his grades.
Now he realizes he has to practice and he feels cannot do it. I tried to motivate him as how we were and his sis also could do it. i did go though a tough phase with her now she is doing her masters in Archi but that is not helping him. tried giving him many examples and asked him what he wants he says he is confused .. Later he agreed for tuitions but did not do diligently as he had agreed to and i feel may be he is angry with himself but i am not sure . Now he has shut off i am waiting patiently as if i force to talk to him he becomes very angry .. yesterday he asked me to stop tuitions and went off as i had to make another payment.
He is hooked to his PC games and plays quite late night, tried talking to take this off but he gets out of control and he became very aggressive and troubles all of us making noisy sounds while we have rest at night. He does understand that it is not good but the addiction to the internet is what is not in control . During school days at night after 11 pm the pc internet is off only during holidays and weekends he plays full time . But he still sleeps quite late.
If you can suggest any good counselling option i am ready to try, i have been looking but it is confusing whom to approach. I tried to approach the community center but i am not sure that is right option yet..
thanks
-ga,[/quote]Over the years, i have seen many counselling cases similar to this, Hence let me just share. Actually, playing games initially was an \"escape\" or replacement for some social activities, until the brain is wired to make it a habit, and then becomes addiction. At this age, many things happens to the teens, from inside out, including hormones fluctuation, and their psycho-social factors.
For the teens who \"switched' , usually there is some trigger, from peer relationship / BGR, or maybe parents ourselves had done something which lead to the trigger. Usually, i will try my hands from the teachers / friends, to find out any thing that happened. However, most of we parents now, tend to think that we want to give them \"space\", and not intervene, hence we do not know their social circles well.
You may have difficulty bringing him for counselling, and sometimes, strategically, if the parents just attend counselling on our own, we realize that we might be sending out conflicting messages, or unintentionally sent out some underlying messages which did not go down well in our children. Either way, the change in parents' behaviors, can lead to gradual change in the children's response to us.
Also, panicky and worried parents, tend to give out this vibe that turns off the teens even more. Hence, i suggest just go ahead and seek counselling support, even if it is alone for yourself
And yes, i once worked with only 1 mother, without the husband or the child, and eventually, the husband came on board together, and they managed to reach out to their kids once again
Just my own opinion
Regards -
oh Siong\" post_id=\"2001956\" time=\"1604901957\" user_id=\"185560:[quote=\"oh Siong\" post_id=2001956 time=1604901957 user_id=185560]
I agree with this. Sometimes, we parents need to listen to ourselves with our kids' ears, because what we deem to be good advice or being interested in them sounds to them like lecturing or interfering. I have heard good things about the book \"How to talk so kids will listen\", and there's a teens version - I've not read it myself, but you could have a look.
You may have difficulty bringing him for counselling, and sometimes, strategically, if the parents just attend counselling on our own, we realize that we might be sending out conflicting messages, or unintentionally sent out some underlying messages which did not go down well in our children. Either way, the change in parents' behaviors, can lead to gradual change in the children's response to us.
Also, panicky and worried parents, tend to give out this vibe that turns off the teens even more. Hence, i suggest just go ahead and seek counselling support, even if it is alone for yourself
And yes, i once worked with only 1 mother, without the husband or the child, and eventually, the husband came on board together, and they managed to reach out to their kids once again
Just my own opinion
Regards[/quote]
https://www.bookdepository.com/How-Talk-so-Teens-will-Listen-Listen-so-Teens-will-Talk-Adele-Faber/9781853408571?ref=grid-view&qid=1604966553307&sr=1-2 -
oh Siong\" post_id=\"2001956\" time=\"1604901957\" user_id=\"185560:[quote=\"oh Siong\" post_id=2001956 time=1604901957 user_id=185560]
:goodpost: Well said!
Over the years, i have seen many counselling cases similar to this, Hence let me just share. Actually, playing games initially was an \"escape\" or replacement for some social activities, until the brain is wired to make it a habit, and then becomes addiction. At this age, many things happens to the teens, from inside out, including hormones fluctuation, and their psycho-social factors.
For the teens who \"switched' , usually there is some trigger, from peer relationship / BGR, or maybe parents ourselves had done something which lead to the trigger. Usually, i will try my hands from the teachers / friends, to find out any thing that happened. However, most of we parents now, tend to think that we want to give them \"space\", and not intervene, hence we do not know their social circles well.
You may have difficulty bringing him for counselling, and sometimes, strategically, if the parents just attend counselling on our own, we realize that we might be sending out conflicting messages, or unintentionally sent out some underlying messages which did not go down well in our children. Either way, the change in parents' behaviors, can lead to gradual change in the children's response to us.
Also, panicky and worried parents, tend to give out this vibe that turns off the teens even more. Hence, i suggest just go ahead and seek counselling support, even if it is alone for yourself
And yes, i once worked with only 1 mother, without the husband or the child, and eventually, the husband came on board together, and they managed to reach out to their kids once again
Just my own opinion
Regards[/quote]
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