Strained Relationship with parents
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Wow, I must say you actually sound impressive in your writing and your maturity. You are far from useless.
If you were from NA, went to poly and then college, how can that achievement be ignored? As a parent this is something to be proud about plus you are able to support yourself through college without burdening your parents. That is a way of helping them.
I believe first thing first is to know that you are definitely someone who has proven your self worth, do not even doubt that.
Secondly, perhaps try to stand in your parents’ shoes to understand why they behave this way. On the surface, what they do seems a bit far fetched especially when you sound so sensible. Howevr, there could be underlying things bothering them that they could not overcome.
If things are seriously bad, it may be good to seek
1. Help from someone both parties are close to like an aunt or uncle to mediate
2. Professional counseling help to figure out why your parents respond this way and how things can be improved.
There are 2 points perhaps you can expound a bit for our understanding…
1. Did you fall physically a few times? How dothese falls affect your current physical health? Are you treated properly and had a full recovery? Is this a reason for you not being able to stay on your job?
2. Did you mean you got into a science course in college you were not interested in but you went ahead to finance yourself to complete the course?
Lastly, when people belittle you, do not join them to belittle yourself. People always have reasons to do strange things to others but for ourselves, we do not need any reasons to love and cherish ourselves. -
sushi88\" post_id=\"2058395\" time=\"1644719760\" user_id=\"100857:
Hi Sushi88,
Wow, I must say you actually sound impressive in your writing and your maturity. You are far from useless.
If you were from NA, went to poly and then college, how can that achievement be ignored? As a parent this is something to be proud about plus you are able to support yourself through college without burdening your parents. That is a way of helping them.
I believe first thing first is to know that you are definitely someone who has proven your self worth, do not even doubt that.
Secondly, perhaps try to stand in your parents' shoes to understand why they behave this way. On the surface, what they do seems a bit far fetched especially when you sound so sensible. Howevr, there could be underlying things bothering them that they could not overcome.
If things are seriously bad, it may be good to seek
1. Help from someone both parties are close to like an aunt or uncle to mediate
2. Professional counseling help to figure out why your parents respond this way and how things can be improved.
There are 2 points perhaps you can expound a bit for our understanding..
1. Did you fall physically a few times? How dothese falls affect your current physical health? Are you treated properly and had a full recovery? Is this a reason for you not being able to stay on your job?
2. Did you mean you got into a science course in college you were not interested in but you went ahead to finance yourself to complete the course?
Lastly, when people belittle you, do not join them to belittle yourself. People always have reasons to do strange things to others but for ourselves, we do not need any reasons to love and cherish ourselves.
You have brought up a lot of interesting factors that I have been missing from all these drama with my parents. I never realised my self worth and was constantly proving myself to them, hoping that I could get their acknowledgment.
Perhaps to them, I’m already at a age whereby I should have a normal working life, just like the rest of my relatives and peers. To my parents, they seem to think they I’m enjoying life? We didn’t talk much because it will always ended up in a heated argument and there’s no end to it.
Things got heated because of the way how my parents treated me in the past and I have told her how I felt - about how neglected she was to me while she can be the caring aunt to the cousins.
I won’t mind disclosing the fact that she was a guarantor for her nephew’s job (it’s kind of a bond thing) and while for me, I needed to slog and work to meet my ends. It wasn’t easy at all yet because of falls or I should say accidents? In total 4 of them, this made it even harder for me.
Over the last decade, despite my falls, I’m fortunate enough to escape major surgery. However, I suffered from post concussion symptom such as chronic lower back pain and migraines as I have hit my back and head on most occasions. With chronic lower back pain, it leads to chronic insomnia.
I won’t say I am fully recovered as I’m currently being treated for my migraines and dizzy spells.
Perhaps I have confused you, my apologies for that. I was allocated a science course - Optometry in SP but after a couple of months I dropped out as I didn’t have any interest in that subject.
I went on to study Diploma in accounting and subsequently ACCA. I have graduated a couple of years ago.
I went for professional counselling before, while I was seeking treatment for my lower back pain. Past issues with my parents was brought up.
As for her, I’m not sure if she’s open to it.
As for a middleman, I’m afraid most of my relatives will stand by her. Because to them, it’s afterall their sister, while I’m just their niece.
I do not have any siblings that I can asked for help as I’m the only child.
Right now, I’m on a verge of a breakdown and it’s either I break or I just let her be and I take care of my health and cut down on any further arguments.
Thank you for hearing me out and giving me advices, sushi88 -
MissyYJ\" post_id=\"2058430\" time=\"1644739556\" user_id=\"196034:
It is good that if you can feel better because typically as a bystander, we just look at things more calmly. Being involved always takes the toll on one's mind.
Hi Sushi88,
You have brought up a lot of interesting factors that I have been missing from all these drama with my parents. I never realised my self worth and was constantly proving myself to them, hoping that I could get their acknowledgment.
Perhaps to them, I’m already at a age whereby I should have a normal working life, just like the rest of my relatives and peers. To my parents, they seem to think they I’m enjoying life? We didn’t talk much because it will always ended up in a heated argument and there’s no end to it.
Things got heated because of the way how my parents treated me in the past and I have told her how I felt - about how neglected she was to me while she can be the caring aunt to the cousins.
I won’t mind disclosing the fact that she was a guarantor for her nephew’s job (it’s kind of a bond thing) and while for me, I needed to slog and work to meet my ends. It wasn’t easy at all yet because of falls or I should say accidents? In total 4 of them, this made it even harder for me.
Over the last decade, despite my falls, I’m fortunate enough to escape major surgery. However, I suffered from post concussion symptom such as chronic lower back pain and migraines as I have hit my back and head on most occasions. With chronic lower back pain, it leads to chronic insomnia.
I won’t say I am fully recovered as I’m currently being treated for my migraines and dizzy spells.
Perhaps I have confused you, my apologies for that. I was allocated a science course - Optometry in SP but after a couple of months I dropped out as I didn’t have any interest in that subject.
I went on to study Diploma in accounting and subsequently ACCA. I have graduated a couple of years ago.
I went for professional counselling before, while I was seeking treatment for my lower back pain. Past issues with my parents was brought up.
As for her, I’m not sure if she’s open to it.
As for a middleman, I’m afraid most of my relatives will stand by her. Because to them, it’s afterall their sister, while I’m just their niece.
I do not have any siblings that I can asked for help as I’m the only child.
Right now, I’m on a verge of a breakdown and it’s either I break or I just let her be and I take care of my health and cut down on any further arguments.
Thank you for hearing me out and giving me advices, sushi88
In any conflicting situation, the one thing to do is ask yourself if you can take a step back, put the past unhappiness you have experienced behind you. Sometimes it is just that one step back that would allow things to move forward smoothly in a stalemate situation.
For example, instead of arguing or getting affected by your parents' frustration with you, is it possible for you to do certain things that you feel can get on the right side of them?
Without knowing anything about your daily living, I can only make some general suggestions.
As an only child, if you are still staying with them, by right, they should feel comfortable with that. To parents, nothing beats the company of having kids around them, that's how I feel personally. However, in order to make your presence felt pleasantly by being an adult child living with them, think what are the things you can do to make them happy if financially it is not possible for you to help at this point.
Examples:
1. Clean the house
2. Do the laundry
3. Organise things properly in the house or at least in your own room
4. Wash the dishes
5. Help to go to the market or grocery shopping on weekends (bonding time, we enjoy all the bonding moments)
6. Bake bread or cakes or make simple breakfast for the family.
Little things count.....In reality one does not have to be a scholar to please the parents though this is kiasuparents here in this forum. Parents are after all parents first and the kiasu part is also to ensure the kids can have a better life in future.
Also, try not to compare her attitude towards others and yourself if you can help it. It will only hurt yourself. See it as your mum being kind to others and stop there.
As for your medical condition, it would be good for you to share your appt, your x-rays, your medication with your parents or at least your mom. The more they know, then they can understand the trauma of the falls you have suffered. Also, if you keep falling, was it due to your mind distracted or a physical condition? You need to know so as to avoid future falls. If it is the mind, try not to think too much and be focused when you are up and moving about.
If it is the body, please check your feet if you have flat feet or something is not right in your legs? Then share these with your parents.
With ACCA, it is actually a good qualification. This is one qualification that you can work effectively even from the home. So in between jobs, perhaps you can look for that kind of work to stay financially able. You can also teach accounting if you are keen in teaching.
Now that you know your self-worth, it is only about how to think brightly about all the possibilities that you have and do not despair.
Parents are aging, and they have to deal with their own aging problems as well. If you think you have a medical condition, your parents are also undergoing bodily changes which they may not understand those changes as well.
Family is all about give and take. If we are willing to give, we can take with ease. If we are willing to take, we must give with ease too.
First mend the relationship properly with them....then perhaps you may be delighted to find out later all these frustrations shown to you now are actually worries of the future for you, since you are an only child.
https://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/article/stressed-relationship-with-parents/ -
sushi88\" post_id=\"2058530\" time=\"1644815789\" user_id=\"100857:
Whether are they comfortable with staying me is a huge doubt right now, at least to me. Perhaps they only needed me bcoz they have only one kid? Or because they have realised that despite the fact that they do have other siblings(my aunts & uncles, they have extended family) yet in times of need, yet none of them is able to help them when they have any needs, for example: seeing a doctor when they are so sick yet refused to go to the A&E.
It is good that if you can feel better because typically as a bystander, we just look at things more calmly. Being involved always takes the toll on one's mind.
In any conflicting situation, the one thing to do is ask yourself if you can take a step back, put the past unhappiness you have experienced behind you. Sometimes it is just that one step back that would allow things to move forward smoothly in a stalemate situation.
For example, instead of arguing or getting affected by your parents' frustration with you, is it possible for you to do certain things that you feel can get on the right side of them?
Without knowing anything about your daily living, I can only make some general suggestions.
As an only child, if you are still staying with them, by right, they should feel comfortable with that. To parents, nothing beats the company of having kids around them, that's how I feel personally. However, in order to make your presence felt pleasantly by being an adult child living with them, think what are the things you can do to make them happy if financially it is not possible for you to help at this point.
Examples:
1. Clean the house
2. Do the laundry
3. Organise things properly in the house or at least in your own room
4. Wash the dishes
5. Help to go to the market or grocery shopping on weekends (bonding time, we enjoy all the bonding moments)
6. Bake bread or cakes or make simple breakfast for the family.
Little things count.....In reality one does not have to be a scholar to please the parents though this is kiasuparents here in this forum. Parents are after all parents first and the kiasu part is also to ensure the kids can have a better life in future.
Also, try not to compare her attitude towards others and yourself if you can help it. It will only hurt yourself. See it as your mum being kind to others and stop there.
As for your medical condition, it would be good for you to share your appt, your x-rays, your medication with your parents or at least your mom. The more they know, then they can understand the trauma of the falls you have suffered. Also, if you keep falling, was it due to your mind distracted or a physical condition? You need to know so as to avoid future falls. If it is the mind, try not to think too much and be focused when you are up and moving about.
If it is the body, please check your feet if you have flat feet or something is not right in your legs? Then share these with your parents.
With ACCA, it is actually a good qualification. This is one qualification that you can work effectively even from the home. So in between jobs, perhaps you can look for that kind of work to stay financially able. You can also teach accounting if you are keen in teaching.
Now that you know your self-worth, it is only about how to think brightly about all the possibilities that you have and do not despair.
Parents are aging, and they have to deal with their own aging problems as well. If you think you have a medical condition, your parents are also undergoing bodily changes which they may not understand those changes as well.
Family is all about give and take. If we are willing to give, we can take with ease. If we are willing to take, we must give with ease too.
First mend the relationship properly with them....then perhaps you may be delighted to find out later all these frustrations shown to you now are actually worries of the future for you, since you are an only child.
This is a phrase where it’s all adjustment to me. This time round I’m putting my needs first. Adjustment that I know she will never be on my side when her own extended family members’ wants are concerned.
I’m not even sure whether I want to mend the relationship, because I have given my all and I don’t think its enough for them, and frankly I’m exhausted.
Yes I do help out in laundry, washing dishes, folding clothes. When she has her extended family members visiting, I’ll ensure that they are also taken care of, as it they don’t feel uneasy coming to my house.
It has reached a point whatever I said now is pointless. Because to her, her extended family is more important than me. This is what deeply saddens me. Her extended family members wasn’t kind in their words, and they constantly doubted me too. Although I tried my best to be nice for them, it has reached my limits, and my mum didn’t say anything because deep down she thinks it’s okay for them to disrespect me.
My mum is aware of my health condition but there’s really nothing much she could do and I don’t blame her for anything at all. In fact some of my falls could be prevented if I wasn’t left alone when I was sick
Some of my friends told me it’s time to walk away, and just take care of my needs. They knew that one day, I will collapse or do something silly.
Yes I see my self-worth now and it’s time I let go of things in the past, because they is the way to go forward.
What you have mentioned is true, if this going on, my future is at stake here. One day, they won’t be around too.
Thank you for reading and giving me advices Sushi88. I know I needed more time to process all my feelings and let all these go. -
MissyYJ\" post_id=\"2058544\" time=\"1644821615\" user_id=\"196034:
This issue is really draining your energy. Can understand. You are right, first thing first is to get back your energy before anything else can happen.
Whether are they comfortable with staying me is a huge doubt right now, at least to me. Perhaps they only needed me bcoz they have only one kid? Or because they have realised that despite the fact that they do have other siblings(my aunts & uncles, they have extended family) yet in times of need, yet none of them is able to help them when they have any needs, for example: seeing a doctor when they are so sick yet refused to go to the A&E.
This is a phrase where it’s all adjustment to me. This time round I’m putting my needs first. Adjustment that I know she will never be on my side when her own extended family members’ wants are concerned.
I’m not even sure whether I want to mend the relationship, because I have given my all and I don’t think its enough for them, and frankly I’m exhausted.
Yes I do help out in laundry, washing dishes, folding clothes. When she has her extended family members visiting, I’ll ensure that they are also taken care of, as it they don’t feel uneasy coming to my house.
It has reached a point whatever I said now is pointless. Because to her, her extended family is more important than me. This is what deeply saddens me. Her extended family members wasn’t kind in their words, and they constantly doubted me too. Although I tried my best to be nice for them, it has reached my limits, and my mum didn’t say anything because deep down she thinks it’s okay for them to disrespect me.
My mum is aware of my health condition but there’s really nothing much she could do and I don’t blame her for anything at all. In fact some of my falls could be prevented if I wasn’t left alone when I was sick
Some of my friends told me it’s time to walk away, and just take care of my needs. They knew that one day, I will collapse or do something silly.
Yes I see my self-worth now and it’s time I let go of things in the past, because they is the way to go forward.
What you have mentioned is true, if this going on, my future is at stake here. One day, they won’t be around too.
Thank you for reading and giving me advices Sushi88. I know I needed more time to process all my feelings and let all these go.
Don't try to keep everything inside the head and go round in circles.. Write down some of the things important to you on the paper and rank them in priority, then do them step by step. Meanwhile, while healing, avoid conflicts with your parents first.
There is obviously some experience gaps between you and your parents. They grew up in bigger families and perhaps even a few families living together and you grew up with only your parents. In bigger families, things are more complicated and people fight from young until they grow old...depending on personalities, sometimes these fights get them closer, sometimes they drift them apart. Apparently, your parents' case is they remain close to their extended families. Frankly, what you have described about your mum's extended family matched mine... lol.. In a traditional extended family like mine, the closer we are, the less kindly we speak to one another, that's the old school way of thinking but they think being BLATANTLY frank or casual/impolite is family, that's how my siblings think.
As for your mum so-called \"siding\" her relatives, I kind of feel that she also belongs to the old school thinking where ranking in the family is important rather than looking at the issue. If you understand this \"old school\" way of thinking, you would be less hurt. So if you think she is not supporting you, it's probably because she is thinking....respecting the elders must come first (not that she is wrong but discretion needs to apply). If you understand all these, don't take the siding too personally as they are following a set of traditional rules in their minds which they are accustomed to. In other words, it is not exactly a personal attack on you...it's just the way they have been living. It is definitely a communication gap as well. So for me, I don't tell my older siblings what to do because they would not listen anyway, I show them how I do it. The progress is slow but they are learning bit by bit especially when I bail them out of awkward situations with kind words.....their remarks become less harsh with time though still casual/impolite at times.
While resting, maybe you can watch an interesting movie called \"Joy Luck Club\" if you have not watched.
It is a good story about the experiences of 2 different generations, how they were brought up differently and how it affected their views and choices in life. It also happened to be a story between mothers and daughters.
It may not be completely relatable to you because this setting was in China and America and in different era and lives were more complex for them. June is the main narrator of the story.
I believe you will find a middle-ground solution to your problem one day. You are most welcome to share any updates you have. -
this is a good read, especially near the end on \"How to survive a difficult parent\":
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/mar/11/horrid-parents-how-survive-them-alyson-corner-angela-levin -
winth\" post_id=\"2062588\" time=\"1648197467\" user_id=\"1875:
Hi Winth, I read your story last night. You are not alone....I have experienced exactly what you have before. Others will never understand how suffering we are brought up by difficult parents. PM me direct if you want to have a listening ear who understand your feelings.
this is a good read, especially near the end on \"How to survive a difficult parent\":
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/mar/11/horrid-parents-how-survive-them-alyson-corner-angela-levin
-
thanks Liew, i had deleted the earlier post cos i was feeling really guilty for bad-mouthing them.
but thanks to the asiaone article today (https://www.asiaone.com/singapore/struggle-paranoia-2-young-singaporeans-share-their-experiences-growing-toxic-parenting), i want to share:
i'm the eldest in my family, with 2 younger brothers.
since young, and as the only girl in the family, i've been trained to do housework, and as i grow up, the house chores basically increased. when i turned 16, i realised that not only did my brothers not take up any chores, everyone basically used the house, dirtied it and i cleaned it. i started to feel like a maid. i asked my mother why i'm doing all the housework, from washing dishes, sweeping, mopping, ironing to washing toilets, why couldn't i take turns with my brothers? she would say that it's because i'm a girl and i need to do everything. why my mother doesn't have to do the house chores, i asked her, she said she's my elder, so she doesn't need to do.
growing up, my father tells me i'm stupid, foolish and useless. i'm mostly stupid and useless (to him). he laughs at my flat nose, \"you have no nose bridge\", he said, \"you have single eye-lid and your eyes are slanted\". when i was a child, i thought i resembled someone with down syndrome and had very very low self esteem. at 9 or 10 years old, i was already very aware of my looks and would look into the mirror, wondering why i looked so ugly. my self confidence went to a new low during puberty when i had acne everywhere.
the only thing i'm proud of was my academic success, that was when i'm independent of whatever my parents said of me and proved to myself that hey, my report card said that i'm not stupid. then came my father, \"actually, your brother is the smart one\", \"if he had studied, he would have won you already. he just needed to study. you 读死书, it's useless one\".
when i got married at 22 (1 year after uni), i moved out, life started to change for the better.
but then, my parents came into the picture.
my car story
for work and family outings, we had bought a commercial van. and one fine day, my father said he needed our van for his painting projects. he borrowed it, it was all okay at first, but week after week, he would come to take our van saying he needed it for work. soon, his excuses changed to, he needed to drive my mother out for errands.
we protested, asking to have our van back.
without our knowledge, my parents bought a red honda jazz (under my brother's name) and parked it in our carpark. they decided that we would be using this jazz car during the weekends, and our van was permanently parked at their place. all was fine at first since we had transport to bring the boys out during weekends. 1 month later, my brother said that the car was bought under his name, it was his car. he came and took the red honda jazz. we were left transport-less. finally, we decided it was enough. we told them they could take their red car, and they could continue servicing our van's remaining loan, parking, diesel etc and the van would be theirs for their sole use.
within 4 months, they sold both vehicles away cos they really couldn't service both the loans and the expenses involved.
when we got our very own car, they came to borrow our car, saying they needed a car to go out. but this time, we said 'no'.
my house story
when we moved to our current place, my parents asked for a spare key to our house, citing reasons like, \"in case one of us loses a key\", \"forget to bring key out\". we gave them the spare set and it was a BIG mistake.
my parents would come to my house every other day, even on days when we were both working. they would come in, leave things and food in our house/fridge without our knowledge. during those WFH days, i fear of hearing my door bell ring and door knocks in the middle of the day.
my last straw with my mother
- she ordered 5 boxes of sugar rolls and i only found out about them when i came home. i asked her why didn't she check in with me and why she ordered so much, we couldn't finish so many boxes. she said it's 'cheap' and we have to finish within a week or they'll spoil.
- on another ocassion, she came with boxes of sushi without asking if we wanted any. it was 430pm that day and i was already preparing dinner for the family.
- BUT with my brothers, it's a different case: she always asked if they wanted dinner (in the family chatgroup), their reply was always a 'no' or 'cigarettes'. so, i asked her why couldn't she just check with me like how she checked with her sons. i left the chatgroup that day.
my last straw with my father
- during my maternal grand-aunt's funeral, i was keeping my father company. and he was basically complaining about everything about his life. in order to change the topic, i started talking about the kids' academic results, something i thought he'll have nothing negative to talk about.
- he said 'yes, the elder one is doing so well cos his brain is now 'opened' and can receive knowledge. unlike you, your 脑没开.' i laughed nervously, cos the nosy relatives were there. 'no, really, your brain has never opened.' i truly felt like crying my heart out.
- on another occasion (6 months later), i bought my parents out to bring them out for meals and to buy bags/ clothes to be ready for my brother's upcoming wedding. in the car, he talked about my unopened brain again.
- that day, i'm left with a big hole in my pocket and endless agony
- it took me 2 months before i could come clean and tell my husband that, actually, i had a terrible day, i had lied to him saying that my day with parents was \"great\"
soon after, i drifted away slowly and no longer approach them both. i no longer beg my mother to go lunch/shopping with me or try to bring the folks out for meals anymore. honestly, i tried to engage them but i realised i was really giving them a chance to verbally abuse me.
i've not approached my parents for 2 years now and have no plans to. they'll still text and call me, ring my door bell, knock. i ignored all of them. financially, i still support them thru monthly bank transfers, but i don't dare to deal with them physically, i'm still trying to self-heal.
and sometimes, when i come across articles about \"parents without children to care for their old age\", i do wonder, is there another side to their story?
https://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/article/strained-relationship-with-parents/ -
Sorry to read about your tough situations with you parents, winth.
I always think \"己所不欲勿施于人“ is common sense....apparently it is really not.
I am sure your parents would not like anyone to treat them this way yet they treated you this way for a long time even after you were married. Perhaps your parents are a tad too traditional in that they are kinda \"重男轻女“.....it's something really hard to change if they have been growing up this way. I have seen a lot of such old folks around within my extended family...it is really quite common.
At least God is fair, when your parents are not so good to you, you have found a good hubby and had good children with him. So whatever you have suffered, hopefully your current family bliss can help you put everything behind you now.
I must say you are indeed a success story...you never let the toxicity get to you and eat you up....
That does not break you make you stronger, that seems to describe you well! Kudos to you!!
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