Me Time!
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Liew Nga Wing\" post_id=\"2077570\" time=\"1659797217\" user_id=\"195250:[quote=\"Liew Nga Wing\" post_id=2077570 time=1659797217 user_id=195250]
Sorry, my Chinese can't decipher the last line!
For my family, I and my DH are not so concern on whether it is our future daughter in law \"best behaviour\" or whether it is her true nature. The most important is whether our son like her. It is our son facing her not us.
When talking about this, I have the following phase in ancient China suddenly come into my mind and hope to share here.
百善孝为先，论心不论迹，论迹贫家无孝子，万恶淫为首，论迹不论心，论心世间无完人。[/quote]
It's true that it's our child that has to face the future spouse daily, so the final choice must be theirs. On the other hand, especially if they are quite young, as a parent I would want to make some assessment of my own. If there are issues that send warning signals, or we can see potential problems, I think it's only right to warn our child. How we phrase the warnings will depend on the closeness of the relationship with our kids, and how serious the issues are. -
To me even if trying to impress, at least still bother to try…so still got chance. Let’s say it is the bf, I guess the daughter can ‘influence’ quite abit?
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MrsKiasu\" post_id=\"2077582\" time=\"1659835630\" user_id=\"43981:
Underlying basic character and values can be hard to change (not impossible, but probably shouldn't count on it too much). In general, your child can only influence the potential spouse to some extent, and it may \"wear off\" after the initial years. I tell my girls to assume the base line - if they are OK with that, then any change for the \"better\" will be a bonus. Better that way than to assume the best, or that they can change the spouse in future, then be disappointed.
To me even if trying to impress, at least still bother to try..so still got chance. Let's say it is the bf, I guess the daughter can 'influence' quite abit?
One \"test\" we told them (to observe now) - how well does the guy treat the women in his life - mother, sisters, grannies, aunts, friends, neighbours, colleagues, service staff? At worst, how he treats his wife is unlikely to be worse that how he treats these other women now. The girl may not like to share with these women, but it is a good indicator. -
Base line…agree.
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ChiefKiasu\" post_id=\"2077562\" time=\"1659794128\" user_id=\"3:
Haha. Yah it's the novelty of it for DD. We have never ever washed our own cars before. All these while it's carwash, helper, those foreign workers that go round the estate at night.
Most likely, he is just pleasing you :evil: Nobody would want to wash another person's car willingly.
For this boy he is just very pleasant by nature and he is into cars so I am not surprised that he was willing to wash my car.
However I think it will be a once or twice kinda thing knowing DD. So I will just enjoy it while it lasts. -
slmkhoo\" post_id=\"2077583\" time=\"1659835852\" user_id=\"28674:
Last night I asked DD1 if the boyfriend she brings home, your mum here doesn’t like, will you break off with him? DD1 answered likely, “Hmmm.. no”.
Underlying basic character and values can be hard to change (not impossible, but probably shouldn't count on it too much). In general, your child can only influence the potential spouse to some extent, and it may \"wear off\" after the initial years. I tell my girls to assume the base line - if they are OK with that, then any change for the \"better\" will be a bonus. Better that way than to assume the best, or that they can change the spouse in future, then be disappointed.
One \"test\" we told them (to observe now) - how well does the guy treat the women in his life - mother, sisters, grannies, aunts, friends, neighbours, colleagues, service staff? At worst, how he treats his wife is unlikely to be worse that how he treats these other women now. The girl may not like to share with these women, but it is a good indicator.
I posed the same question to DD2 and her reply was I need to give a valid reason to justify my dislike. Like that I will treat it as a no too as no matter what reason I’m going to give, she would probably think that I am just being unreasonable.
So conclusion is, when their hormones are raging, it will not be easy to persuade the young person to give up their first love. -
So far only eldest has a bf since Sec4. Not sure if i am biased but so far Ah boy ticked all the boxes and I can understand why dd chose him. She’s a chilli padi and she needs someone gentle to tolerate her hahaha………
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slmkhoo\" post_id=\"2077545\" time=\"1659786245\" user_id=\"28674:
I think this boy is genuine. He is not putting on his 'best behaviour' just to get into our good books. DD knew him since Sec sch and they have been friends since she was in Sec 2. That bunch of friends have been coming over to my place since then and I got to know them. All decent kids and this boy is the easy going and more 'innocent' and 'well behaved' fella of the group. He's always the one who offers to help with stuff, and helps to clean up after. Since DD was in Sec 2 before they were dating, till now, about 5yrs already and he is consistently like that so I do not think it's an act.
The question to ask is whether this is just while he's on his \"best behaviour\", or whether it is really part of his nature? Hard to know in the early days, I guess. -
Imp75\" post_id=\"2077589\" time=\"1659839421\" user_id=\"2358:
Same same. DD is all over the place and can be impulsive. So this boy with his easy going nature can tolerate her nonsense but he is also quite down to earth and cautious so can temper some of her impulsivity.
She’s a chilli padi and she needs someone gentle to tolerate her hahaha…….. -
I have always felt that whether the guy/girl is good for them or not, kiddos will have to figure out themselves. I will of course give my opinions about their characters but I will not be the one to say break off. They have to make the decision themselves. I will put my foot down though if the person is abusive, have serious vices like excessive drinking or gambling issues or into illegal stuff.
I have also told kiddos to observe how their partners are with their parents and siblings and to see how their parents treat each other and if there’s opportunity how their parents behave with extended family. That will give them a glimpse of what family life will be like if they end up with that person as their spouse.
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