Living in Singapore
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Actually I am so sick of parents comparing different schools especially Junior Colleges in this forum.
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You are in ksp...but then I dont really notice anyone comparing. My comparing is something like mine is bla bla bla (how good) ..what can I say other than wow wow wow..best thing is not only say their own..their nieces & nephews also come out
in my heart I was like why tell me..you good you go celebrate with your own loved ones mah.. -
I treat "comparison" as a learning opportunity to focus on my development to reach the next level / aspiration as well as to understand the competition so that I know how to widen my comfort zone.
Am more afraid of not being aware of what I do not know 格局太小 -
For my own self I don’t mind people comparing. But not my kids coz we want them to learn at their own pace, not so competitive way…not to say not at all. I do tell dd2 to gauge herself, not with many peers but just one or two that she knows…not in a competitive way but just as a yardstick. So when she tells me 21/30, she kinda automatic now will tell me… my this classmate not bad one and she got 23/30, then she will continue to say that she is not too bad. Actually I/she don’t know what’s the best mark in the class but that’s ok.
During a period I as an adult unable to ctr myself…ppl compare, we will feel very stress and after a while I find that is not healthy. Each has different abilities. I always need to remind myself don’t get carried away…now I think I m quite free from that kind of thinking. I should enjoy my children growing up stage and my children should enjoy their learning stage. -
MrsKiasu\" post_id=\"2131466\" time=\"1711538717\" user_id=\"43981:
As you point out, comparing is not bad in itself. It's when a person compares and lets it affect his self-esteem that makes it negative. When comparison causes him to belittle others (if he's better at something) or get anxious and depressed (if he is worse at something), then comparison is bad. But if like coolkidsrock2, comparison is for awareness of what is out there, and possibilities of improvement, that I think is healthy. There is a balance - at some point we have to come to terms that we have tried our best and are not likely to improve further; but if we don't know that there is more to learn/achieve, we may not even try. For our kids, we have to coach them to learn how to reach and accept that kind of balance.
For my own self I don't mind people comparing. But not my kids coz we want them to learn at their own pace, not so competitive way..not to say not at all. I do tell dd2 to gauge herself, not with many peers but just one or two that she knows..not in a competitive way but just as a yardstick. So when she tells me 21/30, she kinda automatic now will tell me.. my this classmate not bad one and she got 23/30, then she will continue to say that she is not too bad. Actually I/she don't know what's the best mark in the class but that's ok.
During a period I as an adult unable to ctr myself..ppl compare, we will feel very stress and after a while I find that is not healthy. Each has different abilities. I always need to remind myself don't get carried away...now I think I m quite free from that kind of thinking. I should enjoy my children growing up stage and my children should enjoy their learning stage. -
I still don't quite understand what people mean by \"happiness\" for the purposes of the survey. It seems very subjective, and will differ from person to person, depending on their worldview and values. For e.g., some people may feel unhappy as long as there is someone richer or more powerful than they are. Another person may be happy to have a median income and low debt. So what conclusions can actually be drawn?
On happiness - some extra food for thought:
In the happiness debate, sometimes the middle ground is where life feels fullest
https://www.channelnewsasia.com/commentary/singapore-happiness-top-asia-content-being-average-4225161 -
Even if parents don’t compare, somehow the Sch envnmt will. The peer pressure within the Sch system is quite real esp for top schools. For those who bochup it’s ok. For those who hv a strong pride will feel self-initiated pressure.
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slmkhoo\" post_id=\"2131492\" time=\"1711585358\" user_id=\"28674:
Yes you are right..it can be healthy or unhealthy..and differ for families. For our case, it was unhealthy coz we were stressed out. I myself felt like being pulled at both end between my own way/belief and to conform & dd1 was at the receiving end. She disliked being compared and she told me not to compare.. It took me few years to get over it maybe coz was trying to be a nice person don't want to be rude to ignore. Dh did pass a remark..err..this is 'friend?' yeah ikr but only after few years..this in a way can also say I m kinda repairing the damage done to dd1. I somehow feel this stage is for them to have their own pace to learn first, then the trying to their best ability and accept what is the max they can do will be next and hopefully these will come naturally. I think what a person can do best varies at different stages of life also..say now this is what dd can do best but at later stage may not be the same. I m also learning to be parent haha..trial & error lor
As you point out, comparing is not bad in itself. It's when a person compares and lets it affect his self-esteem that makes it negative. When comparison causes him to belittle others (if he's better at something) or get anxious and depressed (if he is worse at something), then comparison is bad. But if like coolkidsrock2, comparison is for awareness of what is out there, and possibilities of improvement, that I think is healthy. There is a balance - at some point we have to come to terms that we have tried our best and are not likely to improve further; but if we don't know that there is more to learn/achieve, we may not even try. For our kids, we have to coach them to learn how to reach and accept that kind of balance. -
Imp75\" post_id=\"2131495\" time=\"1711589048\" user_id=\"2358:
You can't change everyone else, but you can change how you react to it. I'm not sure that feeling pressure is necessarily due to pride - it's just as likely to be due to poor self-esteem disguised as pride. We told our kids to change the focus of their pride - to be proud that they have done their best, or improved, etc. We had to learn this mainly because we have such different kids that we had to frame it in a way that wouldn't demoralise the weaker one totally. But we found that it's healthier even for the stronger student.
Even if parents don’t compare, somehow the Sch envnmt will. The peer pressure within the Sch system is quite real esp for top schools. For those who bochup it’s ok. For those who hv a strong pride will feel self-initiated pressure. -
That’s why I feel that if we are already living in Singapore, the society and school environment are already enough to make our children realised (sooner or later) the importance of pursuing academic excellence, at least trying. Since our education system is set up to shape our next generation into fixed pigeon holes (loss of freedom, individualism and creativity), we can hope our children fit well but if they don’t, don’t fret. We parents can enlighten them on the bigger picture in life. We can choose who to associate with so our children’s self esteem will not be undermined by some unimportant random people in our lives.
Having lived overseas, i can say that majority of our children are above average level in studies if we teleport to another space. In overseas where i lived, yes they have very brilliant people in the top group (sadly we cannot compare our top with theirs, that’s why Singapore unlikely to produce nobel prize winners ) but many are at the bottom, the middle group may not be comparable to our children in terms of numbers. So if a child is in top 40% in Sg, actually he is doing great. IMHO, unless one is in top 3% (above 5, arbitrary choose 3), anything can still happen for those in-between.
Please do not ask me for verification on the numbers, the above is only based on sensing.
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