In-law problems?

[tree nymph]

janet_lee88:

Hi Duriz,

I think you have every right to decide, since you are mummy.
This reminds me of the time when my son was born. Told me she didn't like the name SIL gave to her daughter. I asked her if she was the one who named her 4 kids...and she said YES. So I asked her, 'why can't the mother name her own kid ?'

my MIL told me that I have no right to name my own kids, saying that i'm not senior enough nor knowledagble - what crap! Out of politeness, we ask her to list down a list of nice English names that she like for us to pick. And I will give my kids chinese names. She insulted me saying i'm not qualified to name my kids! She - does not know a single word of Mandarin - wanted HER mum to name my child, who was also educated in English???!!!

No choice, I have to give up my rights and pay for a name...

[tree nymph]

duriz:

janet_lee88:

Don't mean to rub salt in, but how come your daughter's birthday is a normal dinner with no guests ? Are your parents attending ?

No problem.
And no.
Just the people living under the same roof.
PILs, BIL (if he's around) and the three of us.

MIL prefers to keep it simple.
I beg to differ.
I'm not thinking of a big birthday bash with 500 guests.
But I'm not agreeable to her idea either.

Duriz,
If I were you, I will go ahead with the birthday celebration. You can do this:
Choose one weekend to hold the birthday celebration. invite your best friends, your relatives and cook up a storm or just order buffet. Order the cake you want!
On the actual birthday, keep it simple and have a small celebration for the people living under the same roof lor. Then can just get a normal cake lah.

In this case you are still having a small celebration with the family only on her actual birthday, not wrong.

[auntieM]

tree nymph's suggestion sounds great..

I will order another cake for DD 'in case' I drop y MIL's cake leh
Soli, that was evil me..

[DesertWind]

duriz:

MIL prefers to keep it simple. I beg to differ.

I'm not thinking of a big birthday bash with 500 guests.
But I'm not agreeable to her idea either.

Dear Duriz,

My advice to you \"SPEAK UP ASAP\"!!!!

Talk and discuss directly with your MIL (not through hubby or FIL) that since it is your DD's 1st birthday, you want to order a BEAUTIFUL CAKE for her that cost HUNDREDS of dollars so you pai-seh to make her pay. Tell your MIL not to worry, just leave the cake to you!

As for the party, izzit because you are staying at her house so she scared of lots of work to do? Can you try to discuss with her to find out the reason? How about if you have a party at other venue ie. at a hotel function room etc?

You are your daughter's MOTHER and you MUST do what you want for your own kid and make all the decisions. Start right now to SPEAK UP! As nicely as possible of course....

Otherwise, this may only be the beginning of other problems...like schooling, enrichments, clothing etc....???

Best regards!
:celebrate:

[janet88]

Hi Duriz,

Why not place a reservation at a restaurant, invite your parents/relatives/friends along ? There is no reason why you have no say in your daughter’s birthday. If your MIL continues with this, you will lose all your rights in future in all matters pertaining to your hubby and children.

Tree nymph,
If you have no right to name your own child, then who has ? I told hubby that since we are Cantonese (btw, MIL isn’t), the name must sound nice in both dialect as well as in Cantonese. It’s not like I will give my children an ugly name.

The best part is MIL can tell me she named her 4 kids, then why can’t we ? If she doesn’t like my son’s name, then it’s too bad for her.

[DesertWind]

buds:

I sincerely hope hubs does not force me to take them in to stay with us @ our new place cos i'm honestly done dealing with them.. i've had enuf. I honestly cannot take any more.

Dear buds,

I can just cry after reading your post!

Please take care of yourself and your baby!

Please tell your hubby to KIV everything until baby comes and after all of you has settled down nicely. Tell him you can only handle one issue at a time. Hope your hubby can at least give you a break (hopefully quite a long one) before raising this issue up again.....

:grphug:

[janet88]

DesertWind:

duriz:

MIL prefers to keep it simple. I beg to differ.

I'm not thinking of a big birthday bash with 500 guests.
But I'm not agreeable to her idea either.

Dear Duriz,

My advice to you \"SPEAK UP ASAP\"!!!!

Talk and discuss directly with your MIL (not through hubby or FIL) that since it is your DD's 1st birthday, you want to order a BEAUTIFUL CAKE for her that cost HUNDREDS of dollars so you pai-seh to make her pay. Tell your MIL not to worry, just leave the cake to you!

As for the party, izzit because you are staying at her house so she scared of lots of work to do? Can you try to discuss with her to find out the reason? How about if you have a party at other venue ie. at a hotel function room etc?

You are your daughter's MOTHER and you MUST do what you want for your own kid and make all the decisions. Start right now to SPEAK UP! As nicely as possible of course....

Otherwise, this may only be the beginning of other problems...like schooling, enrichments, clothing etc....???
:celebrate:

You really HAVE to speak up for yourself. Talk to her DIRECTLY or she will think you are afraid. If you don't speak up now, then you can forget about having any rights to talk regarding daughter's school, clothing and maybe even her future husband.

[autumnbronze]

Hi duriz,


I was going to suggest 2 separate celebrations when I came across tree nymph's post and so I second that. That way, both you and your MIL are happy. She can choose not to attend the lavish celebration if she doesn't want to.

All the best, dear :hugs:

[mrswongtuition]

From my experience, your child's birthday, especially the first, will be the best experience ever. Don't let your MIL spoil anything. You are your child's mummy, if your MIL wants to disagree, ask her to go fight it out with her son, not you.


If she does not agree, then do it outside. A chalet, a restaurant, etc!
Invite all your relatives and friends!

Just wondering:
Is she worried that you'll be spending 'her son's money'???

My boy had a fantastic birthday celebration on his first birthday that everyone's still talking about it and I am proud of it.
Was worried about expenses at first but I realised that as long as I plan everything within my budget, I'm happy. My parents & extended family also chipped in on the food (we had BBQ). I hired magicians to entertain the kids and adults. Had loads on fun on balloon sculpting and face painting! Plus we had a professional photographer to record down the event while we were busy playing with my boy and entertaining the guests.

I think you need to be firm on certain things to show her that you have the final say with regards to YOUR CHILD, not her.

[janet88]

mrswongtuition:

From my experience, your child's birthday, especially the first, will be the best experience ever. Don't let your MIL spoil anything. You are your child's mummy, if your MIL wants to disagree, ask her to go fight it out with her son, not you.


If she does not agree, then do it outside. A chalet, a restaurant, etc!
Invite all your relatives and friends!

Just wondering:
Is she worried that you'll be spending 'her son's money'???

I think you need to be firm on certain things to show her that you have the final say with regards to YOUR CHILD, not her.

Duriz, we are not teaching you to be bad, but to stand up for your rights as a mother. The child's 1st birthday should be memorable and not a normal dinner at home. Subsequent birthdays can be toned down by a simple dinner with a cake. If she isn't happy having guests, then go out and enjoy. If your MIL chooses not to come, better still.
Honestly, I think you should discuss with hubby to shift out to avoid further unhappiness and also avoid the situation of hubby sandwiched in between.