Is it possible to treat your children equally?

[qizai]

briskcross:

I am glad I read this book \"Siblings Without Rivalry\" when my second son came along.


There is really no such thing as treating people equally, it's about meeting each person's needs. When a child complains about unfairness, it really means that he has a need that has not been met, such as he does not feel loved.

Cannot agree more with that.

[buds]

briskcross:

I am glad I read this book \"Siblings Without Rivalry\" when my second son came along.


There is really no such thing as treating people equally, it's about meeting each person's needs. When a child complains about unfairness, it really means that he has a need that has not been met, such as he does not feel loved.

:goodpost:

[smurfette3]

Hi briskcross,


where do you get the book that you mentioned?

I find myself having a hard time especially when the youngest needs more attention. I have 3 boys and the eldest is the most sensitive. When I spend more time with the youngest teaching him, he would look at me. I know he wants me to spend more time with him. So sometimes, I would bring the eldest out for special dates with mummy, it seems to work as I realized they do not just want to go out together in a group but they want your individual whole attention.

[briskcross]

Hi Smurfette3, I got mine from Amazon but I’m sure the bookshops here would have it. The library should have it too (you can reserve it on the nlb website).


Oh yes, my younger son is more chatty so he tends to go on and on. So I make it a point to have certain days when I leave him at the childcare centre and fetch my elder son to have lunch and spend time with him.

[hquek]

briskcross:

Hi Smurfette3, I got mine from Amazon but I'm sure the bookshops here would have it. The library should have it too (you can reserve it on the nlb website).

It's available in local library - though you may have to reserve or hunt it down - I borrowed from library. Definitely a good book. Unfortunately I only read when DS2 was about 2 y/o - so had to do damage control.

[smurfette3]

hquek:

briskcross:

Hi Smurfette3, I got mine from Amazon but I'm sure the bookshops here would have it. The library should have it too (you can reserve it on the nlb website).

It's available in local library - though you may have to reserve or hunt it down - I borrowed from library. Definitely a good book. Unfortunately I only read when DS2 was about 2 y/o - so had to do damage control.

Hi hquek and briskcross,

Thanks! Oh no my boys are all older than 2, looks like i have to do extra extra extra damage control! :!:

[MumandMe]

I’m a mum of 3. From the very beginning when we plan to start a family, DH and I had agreed that we want to be fair to all our kids.


While I constantly remind myself to be so, I think it is equally important we let them see we are being fair to all of them. Whenever I can, I will tell them that mummy loves #1, #2 and #3 (all their names) very much. When I punish one of them for a wrong doing, I will remind him that it’s because he’s naughty, that when his other siblings do the same wrong doing, that mummy punishes them the same way too. I make sure I carry out the same punishment consistently.

When I give treats, I give to each one of them equally.

I also make them feel they belong together and is accountable for one another. When we are out and one of them misbehaves, I’ll say let’s go home. There’s be protests from them all. I make it a point to explain that it is because X, or Y, or Z is naughty. I’ll make them apologise for misbehaving.

[ImMeeMee]

I find it tough to pay equal attention to all of them, although I love them equally. My dd3 is autistic and requires all the energy and attention that I can give, and I do feel guilty for not spending enough time with dd1 and 2.


At times when I am conducting therapy sessions with dd3, and dd1 or 2 barges in to ask me for something, I find myself not being able to oblige immediately, and that adds to the guilt. I do set time aside to spend with dd1 and 2 together, like playing board games and reading books, and enjoying a TV show together, but the guilt is always there that this is not enough, as my mind is constantly on dd3. DH compensates by spending considerable time with them vs dd3.

I guess they are too small yet to feel the impact, and still adore their dd3 all the same despite this, but I am not sure whether they will feel it one day.

It is a difficult balance to maintain and I am still trying to figure out the art.

[MumandMe]

Immeemee, thanks for sharing. I can imagine how tough it must be for you wrestling with the guilt. Must be tiring physically too.


First, tell yourself not to feel guilty. When you re spending time with #1 and #2, do things they like to do and enjoy your time together. Take it as a break for you too. Take the resting time to explain to them how their meimei is special and young and needs all of you to sayang and love. Talk about how cute she is and how much she loves the elder 2. Tell them meimei will get well and join in all the fun next time. And share with them the schedule you have set aside for #3 and get them to cheer her (and yourself) on for the lessons. Let them see why you need to spend time with meimei.

I hope you find strength in yourself and in them. Enjoy parenthood.

[ImMeeMee]

MumandMe:

Immeemee, thanks for sharing. I can imagine how tough it must be for you wrestling with the guilt. Must be tiring physically too.


First, tell yourself not to feel guilty. When you re spending time with #1 and #2, do things they like to do and enjoy your time together. Take it as a break for you too. Take the resting time to explain to them how their meimei is special and young and needs all of you to sayang and love. Talk about how cute she is and how much she loves the elder 2. Tell them meimei will get well and join in all the fun next time. And share with them the schedule you have set aside for #3 and get them to cheer her (and yourself) on for the lessons. Let them see why you need to spend time with meimei.

I hope you find strength in yourself and in them. Enjoy parenthood.

Mumandme, thanks for your encouragement! :rahrah: