I haven’t logged in for 1 whole year, and this thread is still going strong!!


Looks like in-law problems are really pervasive…

Hi all,


Wondering if anyone has a good recommendation for chinese sinseh for shoulder/back aches…

Thanks in advance!

dolphinsiah,


I empathize with your situation.

Your husband seems like a spoilt brat who is always blaming you for everything.

From what I gather, your plan is to leave him when your girls are independent. But from now to then, it's still some way to go. And along the way, things became worse because he's now sick and \"beyond reproach\" when he throws his tantrums at you.

From a Buddhist point of view, cancer is easily explained through the law of cause and effect, or karma.

From a Christian's point of view, it's part of God's plan, although not many people can take it kindly to that.

I don't know your situation enough, but honestly, I seriously think it's time to give him a real piece of your mind. Maybe that would be the best thing that will happen to him in the last 10 years. He really needs to see you don't owe him anything that allows him to take you for granted like that. Maybe that's God's plan for him.

You need to be happier so that your girls would be happier too. Time to knock some sense into the big baby. :x

Take care..

Joseph27:

I don’t respect religion, however I am happy to say nothing until such time that the religious try to interfere and project their faith onto society, fundamentalist Christian or Muslim style.

I think I see where you are coming from, given your dual religious background. Religion can be more trouble than its worth, if people keep on projecting their views on others.

There are too many religious people out there who like to proclaim \"If you're not with me on this issue, you're not on my side, and therefore you are potentially my enemy\".

It's annoying when people come around and say things like \"You're wrong to believe in this, or you should be doing more\". In Singapore, people really need to learn to agree to disagree.

Perhaps it's just the practitioners of the various religions that you are truly disgusted with, and not the religions themselves.

prancingpony:

Sorry, still don't know how to do the quoting thing.

Just hit the quote button on the top right hand corner of this post and then type your reply outside the quotes.

3Boys:

qizai:

Situation 2
Son : Mum, I want to go to the disco on Friday night, with my friends.
Mum : You're interested to go to the disco, because your friends are going?
Son : Yeah, most of the guys in my class hanged out there at least once before. I felt like a noob when they talked about it, and I don't want to be left out.
Mum : I can understand that you don't want to feel left out. Nobody likes to feel left out.
Son : Yeah..
Mum : I'm sure you know about my reservations.
Son : Yeah, I know you feel its unwise to hang out there, because you think there're unsavory people there.
Mum : Yeah, if you go. I will be naturally concerned.
Son : Actually, I don't really want to visit that disco, I don't like dance music anyway, but I just want to see what it's like.
Mum : Sure, I trust that you know my reservations, and I don't want to sound like a nag but you must be careful. Don't have any dealings with unruly people.
Son : (feeling a lot better that he's been given the approval) You know what, mum. My friends think I'll never get your approval, but now I have. I'll tell them that. And anyway, now that you've said okay, I'll see if I want to join them this Friday at all.

All teenagers, and even adults, want is to be genuinely listened to, and not talked over.

Just sharing. Thanks.

And what should a parent do if the son in scenario B decides to still decides to go ahead and get mixed up? Stay mum and allow him to continue 'airing' emotional air, or set the boundaries and expectations?

I think the key is to allow him to air his feelings, and to acknowledge and respect those feelings. Only when he feels truly understood and listened to, will he readily accept those boundaries and expectations from the parent.

Sometimes, teenagers know more about parental expectations than the parent can give credit for. After all, parents are accustomed to going from A to Z about everything...

insider:

Usually these kids / adults have suppressed themselves in many ways when they were young and subconsciously, they want to take 'revenge'. These thoughts are usually non-intentional but they are manifested out to hurt parents to release the suppressed self and thereby trying to be independent from parental control to form true self-identity and be separate from parents (a psychological need).
When overly-controlled kids do not take 'revenge' against their parents when they grow up, the next ones who will suffer maybe the spouse / kids. When these kids 'torture' their own family (can be also under the pretext of 'love' too), these families cannot be happy and may break up and these happenings also will hurt the original set of parents at the end.

This is probably the wrong thread to discuss this, but I think the majority of rebellious teenagers out there do not think of it as revenge, but rather as trying to assert their independence, and wanting to feel good about it.

As Stephen Covey put it, people, especially teenagers, need emotional air. When they don't have it, they struggle for it, just like people struggle for physical air when they are denied it.

Having emotional air means being listened to, being respected for their feelings and choices, even though their choices may not be the best amongst others.

For example, a son wants to go with his friends to a not-so-reputable disco.

Situation 1
Son : Mum, I want to go to the disco on Friday night, with my friends.
Mum: Why do you want to go those places? Don't you know that unsavory people hanged out there all the time? It's better to spend time resting, so that you can practise your piano pieces on Saturday morning, before we visit your Grandma in the evening. Otherwise, you will complain you've no time to practise, and then you'll never get your Grade 8 before your A Levels, and you won't achieve the goals you've set for yourself...
Son : (silence)

Situation 2
Son : Mum, I want to go to the disco on Friday night, with my friends.
Mum : You're interested to go to the disco, because your friends are going?
Son : Yeah, most of the guys in my class hanged out there at least once before. I felt like a noob when they talked about it, and I don't want to be left out.
Mum : I can understand that you don't want to feel left out. Nobody likes to feel left out.
Son : Yeah..
Mum : I'm sure you know about my reservations.
Son : Yeah, I know you feel its unwise to hang out there, because you think there're unsavory people there.
Mum : Yeah, if you go. I will be naturally concerned.
Son : Actually, I don't really want to visit that disco, I don't like dance music anyway, but I just want to see what it's like.
Mum : Sure, I trust that you know my reservations, and I don't want to sound like a nag but you must be careful. Don't have any dealings with unruly people.
Son : (feeling a lot better that he's been given the approval) You know what, mum. My friends think I'll never get your approval, but now I have. I'll tell them that. And anyway, now that you've said okay, I'll see if I want to join them this Friday at all.

All teenagers, and even adults, want is to be genuinely listened to, and not talked over.

Just sharing. Thanks.

insider:

Met up with an old gang of classmates over the weekend.


Have this lecturer classmate with an 18 years old son in a top JC. Son attends church since young with whole family.

He started dating a Muslim girl. My classmate bit her tongue and kept quiet coz his A levels exams were coming.

Once exams over, classmate tried to reason with him that she doesn't allow him to date someone of a different faith.

Son insists and carries on dating.

Mother and son in cold war.

Classmate gave him the ultimum of break off or she will not give him anymore pocket money.

Son continues.

Classmate threatened to disown him.

Son left home and til now refuses to come home.

Classmate turns to cell group for help and cell group advised to talk to the son slowly.

Classmate just cannot accept. She said \"I dont care about the colour of the skin and as long as his girlfriend can be converted into a Christian, I can accept her; else over my death bed.\"
Strong statement but internal must be bleeding badly.

I fail to see why need to take it so hard coz it's just dating and not say like going to get married. Even if it is marriage, whose marriage it is? Can't we just love kids unconditionally? Son's current thinking most likely to be \"I love her doesnt mean I don't love you and I don't love God. Why can't I have both do you have to force me to choose?\"

Mummy's thinking, \"I love you very much and I only want you to be on the right path. Mummy is older than you and can see further than you. Listen to me and follow my direction and you will have happiness later in life.\"

Being in a top JC, classmate just cannot let go of her intelligent son and trust that he will make the right decision eventually, whatever that decision maybe. If her God gives her son a test, there must be a strong reason behind it...

Sounds like both mother and son have strong-willed and intelligent personalities, and are those type that do not take to different advice kindly.

The words in bold are probably said in the heat of the moment.

Your friend certainly doesn't want her son and his gf becoming Christians eventually, but are totally estranged from her. That can happen because they feel too hurt.

Being a Christian is about your OWN personal relationship with God, whether you're a leper or a saint, a pastor or a prisoner, and its not about holding/not holding joss sticks nor is it really about going to church every Sunday rain or shine. Nor should one worry too much about other people's personal relationships with God because everyone has his own path to that.

Sure, going to church every Sunday does give you a better chance to improve your own relationship with God, and also to be exposed to good fellowship who may inspire you to learn and love and give. But if one hangs around in church aimlessly, or learns to despise other people just because they are not Christians, or mixes with fellowship that only compares notes with one another about material stuff, or engage in trivial gossip, then one might as well not do so.

The best way to convince others of the love of Jesus Christ is to be a mini-Christ. To show the love, and not to tell others about it, is the best way.

jedamum:

parents not acknowledging their kid's future partner due to difference in religion may not only be mainly a religious issue. if all parents are supposed to give 'unconditional love', why are there parents rejecting their kid's future partner based on:-
- same gender
- different race
- one is a single parent
- great difference in age
- difference in social background

etc etc etc.

Parents are rejecting that because first, they believe they have the experience and expertise to know what's good for their kid (may or may not be true), and second, they have a prior expectation of what kind of spouse their kid should have.

For many parents, they take it upon themselves to direct their child towards a path of what they think is happiness (as defined for them, and by inference, for him too) every step along the way. Inference may be right or wrong.

Sometimes you can't fault the inference because they are general truths (Eating more vegetables and salad is good for you), but if it is about personal choices like career, it can be frequently wrong IF the parent and child have very different characters. A domineering parent may like her daughter to be a manager/director because the best thing in the world to her is to be in charge, but the mild-mannered service-oriented daughter may choose to be a nurse, or be in hospitality.

Parents also fear their child may make a mistake and/or have a tough time in life, because given such a situation themselves, they feel they will have a tough time in life.

Also, usually parents of that age where kids are grown up do not really want to move mountains to adapt to and accommodate strange situations (DIL being of a different race, religion, language etc). They rather mountains be moved to accommodate them (\"Why can't you just listen to me this time around, like you used to when you're 7\")

Parents need to keep a balance between
1) wanting their kid to be happy, and looking at things from his point of view
2) wanting their kid to make them happy

3Boys:

Joseph27:

This thread contains the usual blend of religious, homophobic and dare I say, hateful nonsense. The fact that anyone could cite the bible in denouncing a lifestyle is so far beyond me I struggle to see you as an otherwise rationale human being. I understand however that most of you on this board are only looking after the best interests of your families and are not purposely trying to hurt anyone.


I am an angmo - married with 2 kids however I have gay family members and friends and they are beautiful people... to denounce them because you believe in Jesus means you havent the slightest clue about what Jesus taught... To cite the old testament means you are causing people genuine pain. You ever wonder what impact your poisonous rhetoric has on a young persons mind - especially when they find themselves attracted by the same sex. Sure the 5 year old son is wonderful but what happens if he tells you he is gay when he is 15... do you disown him? Do you drive him to kill himself? To make that 15 year old feel so different is pure and simple evil.

So you have then taken it upon yourself to be the morality police and ride roughshod over other folks beliefs, and condemning them yes?

So if you are right, then those who at odds with you must be wrong, yes?

Who's casting the rhetoric now?

I don't have to use hateful rhetoric, but plainly stated, I believe homosexuality is wrong. And I don't denounce or hate them either, they are free to live their lives as they wish, but I do not have to close one eye and pretend to approve (at least in this country, unlike some in the west) or pretend that I think its alright for my children to make that life-choice, and I have the right to state that in a public forum, that my and other children read, geddit?

Very simple proposition from me;

I do not discriminate against gays; I work with them the same, I buy goods and services from gay vendors, it is part of loving and not judging your fellow man.

I do draw the line at organisations and individuals trying to promote and normalise homosexual tendencies, through schools or other channels, to my children. If any of my boys end up that way, they are still my boys, and they will never lose my love, but they will never have my approval for that life-choice either (and yes, I know all about the supposed biological underpinnings).

I can agree to disagree, but I will not have a liberal position rammed down my throat like it is in the west. There is a nuance, and you have completely missed it.

This is potentially turning into a very heated discussion, so let me take upon myself to construct a truth table so that any earlier misunderstanding between you guys can be avoided.
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