Disciplinarian vs Nurturer: can the two co-exist?

[markfch]

LKVM:

Why? wats the roadblock? U

What to do. I carry my father's genes mah (oops, now starting to blame my shortcomings on other people oredi :oops: ).

[foreverj]

Angelight:

As a SAHM, the amt of time I spend with my child is 24/7. Naturally, I'm the teacher, nurturer as well as discipline master. But sometimes I find it emotionally conflicting to be both a nurturer and disciplinarian.

...
I find it emotionally draining that I am ALWAYS the one who discipline my child. My hubby is at work all day and even when he is home in the night and on weekends, he seldom disciplines our child. He sometimes even turns a deaf ear or a blind eye when DD is misbehaving or refuses to eat her meals. So I always end up being the 'bad guy' and disciplining DD, which i resent cos I want to enjoy my child too. But if I don't discipline her, no one would as I don't have help from parents or in-laws. I don't want DD to become a spoilt brat if there is no one to keep her in hand.

But playing both roles of a disciplinarian and nurturer is taking a toll on me, emotionally....
Feeling kindda down now cos sick and tired of always playing the 'bad guy' and falling favour with DD whenever I discipline her...very emotionally draining for me. Hope some kind souls can shed some light for me. Thanks.

hi angelight, since u r the full-time parent with your dd, dun worry abt falling out of favour with her. i m sure she knows, when all things said n done, u r the one she can depend on and trust to be always there for her. :love:

does your dd attend school yet? i think emotionally it can be draining for u if u face her 24/7, esp when she's at an age when she can be unpredictable and stil have terrible twos/fours. dun be so hard on yourself that she's hard to dicipline ya?

as for in-laws, honestly, if they really behave the way u decribe, its possible that u r constantly challenged, making u seem like the 'wrong\" one in front of your daughter. try to get your dh to talk to his parents - they shld not interfere with the disciplining, since they r not doing any at all. anyway, i stil feel that disciplining is the parents' job, not the grandparents or the maid's. granparents have done their part when we were young, our kids r our responsibility now.

more imptly, you need to get dh's support that he wil stand by you (in terms of real disciplining). there are times dh wil let dd eat all kinds of rubbish and end up, she gets sick n i can't work and have to take care of dd :stupid: so after that, i tell dh sure, go ahead and let her eat, just make sure u r the one who takes leave to take care of her when she's sick. after that, no worries at all - i have his full co-operation u see, if he's not suffering from the consequences, he probably won't care.

for myself, i m fortunate that dd is very close to me. so i can be the nurturer and disciplinarian. same goes for dh, even though he works long hours. he spends a lot of time with dd on weekends n dd recognises that if its papa or mama's words, she must listen. havin said that, there r times she's tired or under the weather, n there wil b days when she's just plain naughty. i m usually the one who loses temper, unlike dh who wil b more patient.

hope the above helps and all the best to u

[Blobbi]

Angelight, I second what foreverj wrote - don't be so hard on yourself. The very fact that you're wringing your hands shows you're self-checking to improve your relationship with your daughter. That can only be positive.


I wish I can be as confident and assured as Deminc and Tamarind - they are model mums and I'm so glad to learn from them too. It does take time to find your groove, and as foreverj says, your daughter is at an age when she's changing fast and learning new buttons to press everyday. Try to relax now and then - I know I'm a better mum when I go for a massage. :lol:

[foreverj]

Blobbi:

Angelight, I second what foreverj wrote - don't be so hard on yourself. The very fact that you're wringing your hands shows you're self-checking to improve your relationship with your daughter. That can only be positive.


I wish I can be as confident and assured as Deminc and Tamarind - they are model mums and I'm so glad to learn from them too. It does take time to find your groove, and as foreverj says, your daughter is at an age when she's changing fast and learning new buttons to press everyday. Try to relax now and then - I know I'm a better mum when I go for a massage. :lol:

hehe, yup blobbi, kids can b testing their boundaries to see hw far they can go. btw i second the \"me-time\", i go for facial

[cnimed]

haha, mine is trial through fire. I can count the number of times I've been away from the kids for personal time on one hand in the last six years. After a while you reach the point when the kids better shape up or get fried. And they know it. DH's computer wallpaper was an image of me with a cane and the two of them peeking at me from around a corner (so sadistic). But they are still close to me. They know when they are in the wrong.

[Blobbi]

deminc:

DH's computer wallpaper was an image of me with a cane and the two of them peeking at me from around a corner (so sadistic).

:!:

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

Love the subliminal vibes you're sending out!! I've got to get me something like that ...

[buds]

buds:

Stop pampering him with material stuff! :lol:

markfch:

Somehow I think you understand me so well.

Ehemm.. but of course.
I for one, take the trouble to understand people thru' their writing. :idea:

markfch:

DS recently won a prize and my mum & bro decided to reward him with $200 cash, right into his pocket. Sis also promised to buy him a whatever-you-desire-no-budget-limit toy. So you think so easy to inculcate the right values meh?

I do understand that in your case, it is a \"bit\" more challenging for you..
You and your DS are both \"bao-bei\" (precious) in the eyes of your ILs..
It's either you get the reward or DS gets the reward. :lol:

markfch:

A smart parent picks his battle. I'll lose this battle but win the war later (I hope ).

I must warn you though... if it does take a wee bit too long it could be too
late.. cannot wait until things are taken for granted. :hugs: You can deal
with your battles in your home. In other's homes, the alliances may prove
to be too strong for your one-man army.

We cannot control other people or other people's children... but we should
be able to manage ours... in out own time & space & style. Jia you! :rahrah:

[buds]

deminc:

DH's computer wallpaper was an image of me with a cane and the two of them peeking at me from around a corner (so sadistic).

Seriously, deminc?

You pulling our leg right? :evil:

[janet88]

I know how much my kids can eat without getting upset stomach or indigestion...to my hubby, he feels that if the kids want to eat, go ahead :x


This morning, my son wanted to eat lor mai kai even though he has take 1/2 boiled egg. I told him not to because it's starchy and can be rather heavy for breakfast. Not long after that, son told me he felt unwell...becomes my problem. It's not that I don't want to care, but this could have been avoided in the first place. These men, never use their brains to think...want to eat, go ahead but when child feels unwell, throw it back to their wives. Stupid :stupid:

[Angelight]

Hi pummanuel,


Thks for your sharing. at least, I know I am not alone in this predicament.

You may be right that DD may want to bond with her daddy becos she hardly sees him in the day. But she is super clingy to him, to the effect that she wouldn't even let him go to toilet or eat his breakfast, and he must be BESIDE her when she eats her breakfast. Some days, she wouldnt even let him go to work!