disappointment wif kids
-
Emelyn:
:udaman: :udawoman:
I also have a friend who will sends her dd to classes for every subject, AND also teach them at home. So, basically the dd receives 3 times of coaching - school, tuition and mum. -
Hi 24hr-mum,
(warning! long post!)
I hear your pain and frustration. Just know that you are not alone! (as the number of replies to your thread show...) :hugs:
I hope you feel better after reading everyone's stories.
I don't know if I have any useful advice for you. I just thought you might like to hear some of the wisdom an older and wiser friend has shared with me. Sometimes, all we need to help us get out of a downward spiral is to re-frame our situation and the behaviours around us.
You wrote about wanting to be a SAHM because you wanted to give them more attention etc. But my friend, who was a University professor overseas with a great career who had given that up to focus on her family, has always maintained that it should not always be about the kids or the hubby or the \"family\". It should also be about what YOU want. And for her, she wanted more time to enjoy her family. In fact, she is always telling me, when I get frustrated with my 2 boys, to ENJOY them!
And it really helps to think in those terms! Like tamarind says, you need to live your own life as well. As much as we want to shower our kids with our attention and groom them well etc., we cannot do that if we are depleted and burnt-out. Just as we get impatient and frustrated easily in the office when we are stressed and approaching burn-out, the same can happen in our \"home office\", when we are SAHMs. Of course, taking care of our kids and family is part of what we do, but don't let that be how you measure your life by.
My friend is very active outside of home. She brings her kids along as well. It's OK if they don't get into the top schools. Ultimately, they are so close and such beautifully behaved kids because mom and daughters enjoy each others' company.
I try to incorporate some of that in my life. I am a PTWM (soon going back to be SAHM when baby #3 arrives). I volunteer. I bake. I maintain my friendships with my friends. For me, I know now that I have given up my career not because of some theory that kids will do better if I spend more time with them, but because I really want to be with them, and I want to have time to enjoy them!
I don't spend hours making my kids do homework. If there are activity books to be done, we do it in short spurts for \"fun\", just another way to have fun apart from playing with trains or cars. My kids learn from living, and not from formal teaching. So, I have never formally taught them the alphabet or numbers. But I point out the letters and numbers to them while reading books, or just when we go out and see road signs etc, and before I know it, they have somehow learnt to recognise letters, numbers and learnt how to spell some words (of course, the first words they learn to read are not CAT or BALL, but STOP and SLOW...). It takes lots of time. If I did it through a formal programme, they would probably learn faster. But we have time, what's the rush? They don't need to know algebra when they reach P1. And it takes the stress out of teaching them. They have many years of formal education and during that time they will be spending less and less time with us. Their childhood years are so short. Enjoy it!
Of course, my kids are different from yours so the methods we use to engage them will be different, but my point is to reframe - what is it you want out of your relationship with your children? What is it you want out of life?
What's the point in grooming really clever kids with great careers, if your relationship is damaged and you never get to enjoy them? I hope my kids continue to be close to me when we grow old.
At this point, I don't think I'm ever disappointed with my kids, even if they are throwing the most nasty tantrums (as DS1 just did this morning). Disappointment implies that they have fallen short of some standards that you expect them never to fall below. I don't really have that mind-set when it comes to them. (If at all, I get disappointed with myself! But that's another story). Of course I expect them to behave in a certain way etc., and I teach them the way. But I won't be disappointed if they fail to live up to what is expected of them. Why? Because I know they are kids, and they will test the limits. But it doesn't mean I will excuse such unacceptable behaviour. It's my job as the parent to enforce those limits, and I enforce them consistently and immediately, so that by the time they grow up, they will know what is right from wrong. (Oh, one suggestion, it probably isn't the best idea to issue threats that you are not prepared to, or cannot possibly, carry out...say what you mean and mean what you say...)
I'm not saying that I'm perfect. Most days you will hear some yelling from me at the kids. And on really bad days I just want to hide myself in the closet and cry. But I've moved on from my early SAHM days, when how my son performed was my only KPI...Now, I always tell myself to remember to ENJOY the kids! I love the sounds of my boys playing and laughing. It's the best thing in the world for me (especially if I am the one playing and laughing with them).
Final word of encouragement (and I don't mean to offend the FTWMs out there), know that your involvement in your child's life does make a difference to them. Maybe not in the way you expect it to. My mum gave up her job to look after us. Although she used to scream at me (same old story!) to do assessment book after assessment book, I am so much closer to her than to my Dad who was hardly home. I don't know if her screaming helped me do well in school, but her constant presence did draw me closer to her...(of course she didn't just yell at me to do work, she talked to me a lot too). I love being around her! Not so much with my Dad...[/quote]
Thank you so much for sharing. It really makes me re-think my actions. :thankyou: -
Hi 24hr-mum,
(warning! long post!)
I hear your pain and frustration. Just know that you are not alone! (as the number of replies to your thread show...) :hugs:
I hope you feel better after reading everyone's stories.
I don't know if I have any useful advice for you. I just thought you might like to hear some of the wisdom an older and wiser friend has shared with me. Sometimes, all we need to help us get out of a downward spiral is to re-frame our situation and the behaviours around us.
You wrote about wanting to be a SAHM because you wanted to give them more attention etc. But my friend, who was a University professor overseas with a great career who had given that up to focus on her family, has always maintained that it should not always be about the kids or the hubby or the \"family\". It should also be about what YOU want. And for her, she wanted more time to enjoy her family. In fact, she is always telling me, when I get frustrated with my 2 boys, to ENJOY them!
And it really helps to think in those terms! Like tamarind says, you need to live your own life as well. As much as we want to shower our kids with our attention and groom them well etc., we cannot do that if we are depleted and burnt-out. Just as we get impatient and frustrated easily in the office when we are stressed and approaching burn-out, the same can happen in our \"home office\", when we are SAHMs. Of course, taking care of our kids and family is part of what we do, but don't let that be how you measure your life by.
My friend is very active outside of home. She brings her kids along as well. It's OK if they don't get into the top schools. Ultimately, they are so close and such beautifully behaved kids because mom and daughters enjoy each others' company.
I try to incorporate some of that in my life. I am a PTWM (soon going back to be SAHM when baby #3 arrives). I volunteer. I bake. I maintain my friendships with my friends. For me, I know now that I have given up my career not because of some theory that kids will do better if I spend more time with them, but because I really want to be with them, and I want to have time to enjoy them!
I don't spend hours making my kids do homework. If there are activity books to be done, we do it in short spurts for \"fun\", just another way to have fun apart from playing with trains or cars. My kids learn from living, and not from formal teaching. So, I have never formally taught them the alphabet or numbers. But I point out the letters and numbers to them while reading books, or just when we go out and see road signs etc, and before I know it, they have somehow learnt to recognise letters, numbers and learnt how to spell some words (of course, the first words they learn to read are not CAT or BALL, but STOP and SLOW...). It takes lots of time. If I did it through a formal programme, they would probably learn faster. But we have time, what's the rush? They don't need to know algebra when they reach P1. And it takes the stress out of teaching them. They have many years of formal education and during that time they will be spending less and less time with us. Their childhood years are so short. Enjoy it!
Of course, my kids are different from yours so the methods we use to engage them will be different, but my point is to reframe - what is it you want out of your relationship with your children? What is it you want out of life?
What's the point in grooming really clever kids with great careers, if your relationship is damaged and you never get to enjoy them? I hope my kids continue to be close to me when we grow old.
At this point, I don't think I'm ever disappointed with my kids, even if they are throwing the most nasty tantrums (as DS1 just did this morning). Disappointment implies that they have fallen short of some standards that you expect them never to fall below. I don't really have that mind-set when it comes to them. (If at all, I get disappointed with myself! But that's another story). Of course I expect them to behave in a certain way etc., and I teach them the way. But I won't be disappointed if they fail to live up to what is expected of them. Why? Because I know they are kids, and they will test the limits. But it doesn't mean I will excuse such unacceptable behaviour. It's my job as the parent to enforce those limits, and I enforce them consistently and immediately, so that by the time they grow up, they will know what is right from wrong. (Oh, one suggestion, it probably isn't the best idea to issue threats that you are not prepared to, or cannot possibly, carry out...say what you mean and mean what you say...)
I'm not saying that I'm perfect. Most days you will hear some yelling from me at the kids. And on really bad days I just want to hide myself in the closet and cry. But I've moved on from my early SAHM days, when how my son performed was my only KPI...Now, I always tell myself to remember to ENJOY the kids! I love the sounds of my boys playing and laughing. It's the best thing in the world for me (especially if I am the one playing and laughing with them).
Final word of encouragement (and I don't mean to offend the FTWMs out there), know that your involvement in your child's life does make a difference to them. Maybe not in the way you expect it to. My mum gave up her job to look after us. Although she used to scream at me (same old story!) to do assessment book after assessment book, I am so much closer to her than to my Dad who was hardly home. I don't know if her screaming helped me do well in school, but her constant presence did draw me closer to her...(of course she didn't just yell at me to do work, she talked to me a lot too). I love being around her! Not so much with my Dad...[/quote]
Thank you so much for sharing. It really makes me re-think my actions. :thankyou: -
thanks. tho i still think, academics aside, if my kids still turn out to be nasty ones, sigh, i might as well go n wk n hv no worry abt $ n retireement fund. but after being sahm for 6 yrs, i cant imagine going back to face the office politics and work stress. handling naughty kids are easier.
-
24hr-mum:
....handling naughty kids are easier.
:rotflmao: :spank: :rotflmao:
Can't spank back-stabbing colleagues even if you truly wanted to right? :lol: -
Post removed
-
Thanks MummyThreeStreams, for taking the time to write the long post. You hit the nail in the head and for striking a note in me. :thankyou:
-
24hr-mum:
Evil mummy writing here. And the following only applicable to preschoolers.sigh my 5yo boy is that type have nonsense everyday.
wake up dun want to brush teeth, dun want to go sch
if gv reward eg tv or toy, he will be gd boy sometimes by eating himsf faster and doing his work. stimes he will still complain 'why gv me so much wk' even if u offer reward
when go pple party, if i gv other kids a present that he likes eg lego, he will suck n ask me why i nvr buy for him tho he already has so much lego n cars alrdy,
when go shoppg alwaz ask me buy toys
always push limit to maximum
the reward system wil wk but if no reward, dont do wk. how? wait for my cane lor.
how to handle such boys
Don't want to brush teeth? Don't brush then. It's YOUR OWN teeth that will be dirty ==> cavities ==> toothache ==> extraction!! You are the one going to suffer the pain, not me. On top of daily verbal reminder of the teeth deterioration process, I try to incorporate as much visuals as possible. Eg. purposely walk pass dental clinic to point out \"scary\" photos, show pics of horrible looking teeth on internet.
Don't want to go to school with no valid reasons? Don't go then. Today is after all a school day, so let's try another \"school\" (read, home), that you don't need to wear uniform, no need to travel. See if you prefer the program here. By the end of the day, if you like this \"new school\" & the \"teacher\" (ahem... the mummy, who will make sure the program not as fun as school), then we'll withdraw you from school and you can jolly well attend home school everyday.
No rewards for tasks that need to be done, except verbal rewards and hugs & kisses. Irregardless of age, everyone has a role to perform and with each role, there's certain responsibilities. I will give you time to assume your role, but I don't see the need to give you a reward for doing every little thing that is your responsibility.
Dear child, if you don't do you part? Don't expect me to do my part too. I'll be just as selective as you are in doing things.
24hr-mum, sorry to hear that your son is so. I know how tiring it can be. Well... jia you, jia you!! Sometimes, we need to step back, create the opportunity for them to experience the consequences, give them time to digest... and life will be easier for yourself and them. -
i read from somewhere : "If you’ve never been hated by your child, you’ve never been a parent." Bette Davis
This quote always make me feel much better when dd says how much she hates me when i scream at the top of my lungs when she gives me a cant-be-bothered attitude with school work, when i do not allow her to drink cold drinks when she is not well, when i do insist she does her routines by herself etc… daddy always angel, mummy always devil. -
satyagraha:
I withdrew my son from kindergarten at K2, not because he complained about going to school, but because he was always getting ill. He stayed at home for almost one year, and he loved it so much. He was not looking forward to going to primary one at all.
Evil mummy writing here. And the following only applicable to preschoolers.24hr-mum:
sigh my 5yo boy is that type have nonsense everyday.
wake up dun want to brush teeth, dun want to go sch
if gv reward eg tv or toy, he will be gd boy sometimes by eating himsf faster and doing his work. stimes he will still complain 'why gv me so much wk' even if u offer reward
when go pple party, if i gv other kids a present that he likes eg lego, he will suck n ask me why i nvr buy for him tho he already has so much lego n cars alrdy,
when go shoppg alwaz ask me buy toys
always push limit to maximum
the reward system wil wk but if no reward, dont do wk. how? wait for my cane lor.
how to handle such boys
Don't want to brush teeth? Don't brush then. It's YOUR OWN teeth that will be dirty ==> cavities ==> toothache ==> extraction!! You are the one going to suffer the pain, not me. On top of daily verbal reminder of the teeth deterioration process, I try to incorporate as much visuals as possible. Eg. purposely walk pass dental clinic to point out \"scary\" photos, show pics of horrible looking teeth on internet.
Don't want to go to school with no valid reasons? Don't go then. Today is after all a school day, so let's try another \"school\" (read, home), that you don't need to wear uniform, no need to travel. See if you prefer the program here. By the end of the day, if you like this \"new school\" & the \"teacher\" (ahem... the mummy, who will make sure the program not as fun as school), then we'll withdraw you from school and you can jolly well attend home school everyday.
No rewards for tasks that need to be done, except verbal rewards and hugs & kisses. Irregardless of age, everyone has a role to perform and with each role, there's certain responsibilities. I will give you time to assume your role, but I don't see the need to give you a reward for doing every little thing that is your responsibility.
Dear child, if you don't do you part? Don't expect me to do my part too. I'll be just as selective as you are in doing things.
24hr-mum, sorry to hear that your son is so. I know how tiring it can be. Well... jia you, jia you!! Sometimes, we need to step back, create the opportunity for them to experience the consequences, give them time to digest... and life will be easier for yourself and them.
Children are not the same as adults. They don't care about the future. They don't care if they fail all subjects and end up as a road sweeper in the future.
Since my boy's foundation in both English and Chinese are good and he is learning a lot on his own, the work in P1 is easy for him and he can complete his work quickly and correctly. He does not like going to school very much, because to him, there is no need to go to school in order to learn.
When my boy was very young, he used to sleep without brushing teeth. His teeth never have any problems. Now he does not mind brushing teeth, not because we let his teeth decay, but because we brush for him right up to about 5 or 6 years old. After that, he enjoys brushing teeth on his own because he thinks it is fun.
I think that parents must try different methods to teach and motivate their kids. In many cases, we simply cannot afford to let kids face the consequences. Also, most kids just simply do not learn their lessons even if they have faced the consequences.
Hello! It looks like you're interested in this conversation, but you don't have an account yet.
Getting fed up of having to scroll through the same posts each visit? When you register for an account, you'll always come back to exactly where you were before, and choose to be notified of new replies (either via email, or push notification). You'll also be able to save bookmarks and upvote posts to show your appreciation to other community members.
With your input, this post could be even better 💗
Register Login