Asian Mums are more SUPERIOR?
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I do not think it is right to say that this is the approach that differentiates Chinese mums from their US / Europe counterparts. I’ve seen other Chinese mums using "softer" and effective approach. For those who can read Chinese books, a very good parenting book is 好妈妈胜过好老师. The mum uses such effective method, yet respect the kid as an individual. This should be the type of parent-kid relationship to emulate.
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Pen88n:
I do not think it is right to say that this is the approach that differentiates Chinese mums from their US / Europe counterparts. I've seen other Chinese mums using \"softer\" and effective approach. For those who can read Chinese books, a very good parenting book is 好妈妈胜过好老师. The mum uses such effective method, yet respect the kid as an individual. This should be the type of parent-kid relationship to emulate.
I have read 好妈妈胜过好老师 too, and I highly recommend it. It is currently one of the best selling parenting books in China.
Amy Chua's tiger mother parenting style is outdated already, and should not be representative of all Chinese mothers. -
hquek:
I guess it depends on individual expectations. Many people think that a good life means staying in landed property, carrying LV bags, driving European cars, etc.
In that I beg to differ, having a degree is just a way of opening doors. Some people who have very good results are not able to perform well in work. So having a degree may not guarantee one a good life - though it'll make things easier.tamarind:
Actually, in Singapore, so long as you have a degree or a diploma, you can live quite comfortably. There is no need to get perfect scores in order to own a car, employ a maid, and go on overseas trips every year
I've seen many pp with diplomas (or even less) who are doing super well. Then again, these pp are already working and in/past their prime, perhaps in THOSE days, it's doable.
But there are many people living in HDB flats and own a Japanese/Korean car, have a maid, and can afford luxury holidays overseas every year. I think these people are living quite a good life too So long as you have a degree, and you are willing to take up any job for degree holders, then it is very easy to achieve this life.
In fact, my hubby scored all Ds at A levels, he still could get into Engineering in NUS and get a degree
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Well I confess, I have done some of the stuff that the author has done in the course of getting DD to do some stuff. I have threatened to or even taken away some of her toys or favourite activities. I have refused her water and toilet time before (how often does a kid need to pee and drink in 30mins?) and I have also screamed and yelled at her before.
Thing is I don’t expect full marks all the time and piano practice is only 30 mins and we are talking about only red river valley and the likes of indian tom tom.
I agree with ksi we need to look not only at the parent but also at the child and that piece is written with some level sensationalisation to get people to react.
With DD, I know her capabilities. I also know her weaknesses. She is one girl who will take advantage of every opportunity to turn things in her favour. If we are lax and seem understanding towards her mediocre results (I am referring to mediocre base on what she is capable of getting), she will take it that it is ok and not bother to put in any effort. Soft words of encouragements will not spur her on to do better. While we do not stoop to attacking her self esteem we will make it very clear to her that this kind of results is not acceptable, that we are disappointed and we believe she is capable of much more and we expect more. She will have to reflect on why her results are poorer then expected and tell us how she intends to improve. If this were to continue, then privileges will definitely be removed.
With DS it is a different ballgame. If we are too harsh on him, he blanks out. So with DS we have to use a softer approach. He is at times too much of a perfectionist that we have to tell him to relax and stop erasing and re-writing something over and over again cos it is not aligned. Something which we cannot tell DD as she will give us really slipshod work.
After getting her results last year, DD came to me and thanked me for drilling her and making her do piece and piece of math paper. She told me she finds it tedious though not difficult, when I pushed her to do it but she loved the results she got and she loved it even more when everybody praised her and rewarded her for the results she obtained. She just wished she can get that kind of results without having to put in additional effort. I told her so do I but what are the chances of that? She just chuckled. And knowing her, I will still have to nag, scold, threaten her just so she will put in some effort in her work.
DD & DS are still young, only in P2 and K2. I hope they can develop the right attitude towards their studies. As for additional activities like piano, etc, they hankered for it so I gave them the opportunity. And since they asked for it, they have to continue with it. I don’t want them to have the habit of starting something and dropping it just when the going gets tough.
Though I do not fully subscribe to what the author has written. But I do believe that there are some merits to how the Chinese parents raise their children more so then the purported western method. -
insider:
You should give him the 'diving course' if you think he has done his best in terms of preparing for the exams i.e . his effort.
Maybe that will work for younger kids.
Now I am still pondering over my 16 years old son.
Today he will get back his O levels results that I am not pinning high hopes on it.
I am stilling sourcing for a diving course for him.
So, I am still pondering if his results turn out to be no good, so should I cancel this diving course for him or still allow him to go ahead with it?
My gut is still let him go coz I keep reminding myself that I should not mix up my love for him as my cheerful son and not to judge him by his results to determine how much he could get from me.
My this son is really an 'average' son that unless he really finally 开窍, no amount of threats or whatsoever can make him improve in his results...
Parenting is based on the interpretation of knowledge cum personal experiences and many times we have to parent the kids base on guts with consequences unknown...
I think the reward should be for the effort and not for the result.
If he has really worked hard then he deserves the reward (espeacially when it is coming form the parents), just think what message it would convey to him if you base it on the result. -
tamarind:
In fact, my hubby scored all Ds at A levels, he still could get into Engineering in NUS and get a degree
He's lucky then. Or not many going for engineering that year.
Possible to get placement in local U with that kind of grades these days? -
[Editor's note: Article selected for http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/learning-through-failures.]
Funz:
Hmmmm... In Primary school, it is still possible to drill. In secondary school, this becomes impossible because (1) adolescents are programmed to rebel (2) the parent is no longer in complete control of the influences that come through a teen's life.After getting her results last year, DD came to me and thanked me for drilling her and making her do piece and piece of math paper.
The danger with getting into the drilling rut is that our kids develop a dependency on us. Without a parent pushing, they won't move. My daughter went to Nanyang Girls High and is now in Hwa Chong. I saw how many of her classmates turn from high achievers to low because they were no longer amenable to parental pressure.
I opted early to expose both my kids to the Principle of Logical Consequences. I would provide the math practices. I would schedule a reasonable amount of practice each day in a diary with them. Then, I would get my kids to mark their own work, before I mark them myself discreetly later. I made sure I let them know that copying answers only hurts them.
Of course, they didn't believe me. They copied. I closed one eye. They neglected to do the exercises as planned. I sighed. Then when the results come back poor, I comfort them and say \"Poor thing... If only you hadn't copied, and if only you had finished those exercises we set... No fun when you don't do well eh? Well, you're not stupid. You just didn't work as you should.\" Figuratively, I twist the dagger a bit there. Nicely... gently, but I still twist.
As a result, my kids were very average students in P1... but as the years go by, they develop a keen sense of wanting to do well because (1) I believed they can (2) if they don't I am not about to protect them from failure by nagging or forcing them to do any exercises.
In P6, The Daughter did well enough to go to Nanyang, and Little Boy is one of the top scorers in every subject except Chinese. And THEY are the ones who come home and ask me to give them work to do.
The Daughter advised Little Boy one day \"When Mommy says 'That is not going to end well for you', you had better sit up and take notice because Mommy enjoys allowing people to dig their own graves\".
Basically, I believed that failure teaches lessons that are important for success and the earlier a child learns to fail (within margins of safety) and recover, the better he is prepared to succeed later in his academic career, and in life. As such, when I see a safe opportunity for failure e.g., I allow (sometimes, I sneakily help) it to happen.
There are some occasions one must not fail at e.g., PSLE or mid-year or end-year... but when there is opportunity to have my child experience the pain of not doing well, I leverage on it by removing my protective and nagging presence (just for that specific occasion)... and let the child realise that there are consequences to his insouciance... and that these are Logical Consequences that Mommy cannot control. In short, I allow the situation / the outside world to punish them. Else, they grow up feeling so safe that I will ever be the one to protect them from themselves. -
Chenonceau:
Thank you for sharing.
Basically, I believed that failure teaches lessons that are important for success and the earlier a child learns to fail (within margins of safety) and recover, the better he is prepared to succeed later in his academic career, and in life. As such, when I see a safe opportunity for failure e.g., I allow (sometimes, I sneakily help) it to happen.
There are some occasions one must not fail at e.g., PSLE or mid-year or end-year... but when there is opportunity to have my child experience the pain of not doing well, I leverage on it by removing my protective and nagging presence (just for that specific occasion)... and let the child realise that there are consequences to his insouciance... and that these are Logical Consequences that Mommy cannot control. In short, I allow the situation / the outside world to punish them. Else, they grow up feeling so safe that I will ever be the one to protect them from themselves.
Really important points to take note of :celebrate: :celebrate: -
insider:
It'll only work for a child whose only means to such luxuries are the parents. Won't work if they can have other means of getting it. In fact, in such cases, it can be dangerous. Young girls (we've read about a 12 year old girl with multiple sex partners) can get it from sugar daddies. And kids above 14 yrs can work, and working can get them those luxuries that you deny them as well as extra pocket money. They'll just end up doing worse in their studies.tamarind:
However, if a child is not doing badly in studies because he plays all day and refuses to pay attention or put in any hard work, then I think that the best way is to remove all toys,TV,computer games,sweets,chocolates,ice cream and all other luxuries. Provide only the very basic needs to survive, like only rice and vegetables every meal. This is to let him experience the consequences of not getting any paper qualifications.
Maybe that will work for younger kids. -
insider:
Kool. :celebrate:
This diving course is a 'condition free' course for him. He likes the sports and so I intend to him for one to let him enjoy himself safely. When we discussed about this, nothing pertaining to efforts or results are in the picture.tisha:
You should give him the 'diving course' if you think he has done his best in terms of preparing for the exams i.e . his effort.
I think the reward should be for the effort and not for the result.
If he has really worked hard then he deserves the reward (espeacially when it is coming form the parents), just think what message it would convey to him if you base it on the result.
Similar to his rock climbing course now. I cannot in the event that his results are no good, stop him from going for it as now this is his main hobby that he can practise three times a week.
He can live without TV, handphones, internet, but to withdraw his physical activities will be as good as killing him and so withdrawal of his sports courses will be the biggest punishment to him if I want to 'punish' him.... But that's just not so right in my thinking. With poorer results, one of his wings is already broken, to take away his sports is like breaking his another wing which must be very painful...
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