Asian Mums are more SUPERIOR?
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insider:
You should give him the 'diving course' if you think he has done his best in terms of preparing for the exams i.e . his effort.
Maybe that will work for younger kids.
Now I am still pondering over my 16 years old son.
Today he will get back his O levels results that I am not pinning high hopes on it.
I am stilling sourcing for a diving course for him.
So, I am still pondering if his results turn out to be no good, so should I cancel this diving course for him or still allow him to go ahead with it?
My gut is still let him go coz I keep reminding myself that I should not mix up my love for him as my cheerful son and not to judge him by his results to determine how much he could get from me.
My this son is really an 'average' son that unless he really finally 开窍, no amount of threats or whatsoever can make him improve in his results...
Parenting is based on the interpretation of knowledge cum personal experiences and many times we have to parent the kids base on guts with consequences unknown...
I think the reward should be for the effort and not for the result.
If he has really worked hard then he deserves the reward (espeacially when it is coming form the parents), just think what message it would convey to him if you base it on the result. -
tamarind:
In fact, my hubby scored all Ds at A levels, he still could get into Engineering in NUS and get a degree
He's lucky then. Or not many going for engineering that year.
Possible to get placement in local U with that kind of grades these days? -
[Editor's note: Article selected for http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/learning-through-failures.]
Funz:
Hmmmm... In Primary school, it is still possible to drill. In secondary school, this becomes impossible because (1) adolescents are programmed to rebel (2) the parent is no longer in complete control of the influences that come through a teen's life.After getting her results last year, DD came to me and thanked me for drilling her and making her do piece and piece of math paper.
The danger with getting into the drilling rut is that our kids develop a dependency on us. Without a parent pushing, they won't move. My daughter went to Nanyang Girls High and is now in Hwa Chong. I saw how many of her classmates turn from high achievers to low because they were no longer amenable to parental pressure.
I opted early to expose both my kids to the Principle of Logical Consequences. I would provide the math practices. I would schedule a reasonable amount of practice each day in a diary with them. Then, I would get my kids to mark their own work, before I mark them myself discreetly later. I made sure I let them know that copying answers only hurts them.
Of course, they didn't believe me. They copied. I closed one eye. They neglected to do the exercises as planned. I sighed. Then when the results come back poor, I comfort them and say \"Poor thing... If only you hadn't copied, and if only you had finished those exercises we set... No fun when you don't do well eh? Well, you're not stupid. You just didn't work as you should.\" Figuratively, I twist the dagger a bit there. Nicely... gently, but I still twist.
As a result, my kids were very average students in P1... but as the years go by, they develop a keen sense of wanting to do well because (1) I believed they can (2) if they don't I am not about to protect them from failure by nagging or forcing them to do any exercises.
In P6, The Daughter did well enough to go to Nanyang, and Little Boy is one of the top scorers in every subject except Chinese. And THEY are the ones who come home and ask me to give them work to do.
The Daughter advised Little Boy one day \"When Mommy says 'That is not going to end well for you', you had better sit up and take notice because Mommy enjoys allowing people to dig their own graves\".
Basically, I believed that failure teaches lessons that are important for success and the earlier a child learns to fail (within margins of safety) and recover, the better he is prepared to succeed later in his academic career, and in life. As such, when I see a safe opportunity for failure e.g., I allow (sometimes, I sneakily help) it to happen.
There are some occasions one must not fail at e.g., PSLE or mid-year or end-year... but when there is opportunity to have my child experience the pain of not doing well, I leverage on it by removing my protective and nagging presence (just for that specific occasion)... and let the child realise that there are consequences to his insouciance... and that these are Logical Consequences that Mommy cannot control. In short, I allow the situation / the outside world to punish them. Else, they grow up feeling so safe that I will ever be the one to protect them from themselves. -
Chenonceau:
Thank you for sharing.
Basically, I believed that failure teaches lessons that are important for success and the earlier a child learns to fail (within margins of safety) and recover, the better he is prepared to succeed later in his academic career, and in life. As such, when I see a safe opportunity for failure e.g., I allow (sometimes, I sneakily help) it to happen.
There are some occasions one must not fail at e.g., PSLE or mid-year or end-year... but when there is opportunity to have my child experience the pain of not doing well, I leverage on it by removing my protective and nagging presence (just for that specific occasion)... and let the child realise that there are consequences to his insouciance... and that these are Logical Consequences that Mommy cannot control. In short, I allow the situation / the outside world to punish them. Else, they grow up feeling so safe that I will ever be the one to protect them from themselves.
Really important points to take note of :celebrate: :celebrate: -
insider:
It'll only work for a child whose only means to such luxuries are the parents. Won't work if they can have other means of getting it. In fact, in such cases, it can be dangerous. Young girls (we've read about a 12 year old girl with multiple sex partners) can get it from sugar daddies. And kids above 14 yrs can work, and working can get them those luxuries that you deny them as well as extra pocket money. They'll just end up doing worse in their studies.tamarind:
However, if a child is not doing badly in studies because he plays all day and refuses to pay attention or put in any hard work, then I think that the best way is to remove all toys,TV,computer games,sweets,chocolates,ice cream and all other luxuries. Provide only the very basic needs to survive, like only rice and vegetables every meal. This is to let him experience the consequences of not getting any paper qualifications.
Maybe that will work for younger kids. -
insider:
Kool. :celebrate:
This diving course is a 'condition free' course for him. He likes the sports and so I intend to him for one to let him enjoy himself safely. When we discussed about this, nothing pertaining to efforts or results are in the picture.tisha:
You should give him the 'diving course' if you think he has done his best in terms of preparing for the exams i.e . his effort.
I think the reward should be for the effort and not for the result.
If he has really worked hard then he deserves the reward (espeacially when it is coming form the parents), just think what message it would convey to him if you base it on the result.
Similar to his rock climbing course now. I cannot in the event that his results are no good, stop him from going for it as now this is his main hobby that he can practise three times a week.
He can live without TV, handphones, internet, but to withdraw his physical activities will be as good as killing him and so withdrawal of his sports courses will be the biggest punishment to him if I want to 'punish' him.... But that's just not so right in my thinking. With poorer results, one of his wings is already broken, to take away his sports is like breaking his another wing which must be very painful... -
Chenonceau:
:goodpost:Funz:
After getting her results last year, DD came to me and thanked me for drilling her and making her do piece and piece of math paper.
Hmmmm... In Primary school, it is still possible to drill. In secondary school, this becomes impossible because (1) adolescents are programmed to rebel (2) the parent is no longer in complete control of the influences that come through a teen's life.
The danger with getting into the drilling rut is that our kids develop a dependency on us. Without a parent pushing, they won't move. My daughter went to Nanyang Girls High and is now in Hwa Chong. I saw how many of her classmates turn from high achievers to low because they were no longer amenable to parental pressure.
I opted early to expose both my kids to the Principle of Logical Consequences. I would provide the math practices. I would schedule a reasonable amount of practice each day in a diary with them. Then, I would get my kids to mark their own work, before I mark them myself discreetly later. I made sure I let them know that copying answers only hurts them.
Of course, they didn't believe me. They copied. I closed one eye. They neglected to do the exercises as planned. I sighed. Then when the results come back poor, I comfort them and say \"Poor thing... If only you hadn't copied, and if only you had finished those exercises we set... No fun when you don't do well eh? Well, you're not stupid. You just didn't work as you should.\" Figuratively, I twist the dagger a bit there. Nicely... gently, but I still twist.
As a result, my kids were very average students in P1... but as the years go by, they develop a keen sense of wanting to do well because (1) I believed they can (2) if they don't I am not about to protect them from failure by nagging or forcing them to do any exercises.
In P6, The Daughter did well enough to go to Nanyang, and Little Boy is one of the top scorers in every subject except Chinese. And THEY are the ones who come home and ask me to give them work to do.
The Daughter advised Little Boy one day \"When Mommy says 'That is not going to end well for you', you had better sit up and take notice because Mommy enjoys allowing people to dig their own graves\".
Basically, I believed that failure teaches lessons that are important for success and the earlier a child learns to fail (within margins of safety) and recover, the better he is prepared to succeed later in his academic career, and in life. As such, when I see a safe opportunity for failure e.g., I allow (sometimes, I sneakily help) it to happen.
There are some occasions one must not fail at e.g., PSLE or mid-year or end-year... but when there is opportunity to have my child experience the pain of not doing well, I leverage on it by removing my protective and nagging presence (just for that specific occasion)... and let the child realise that there are consequences to his insouciance... and that these are Logical Consequences that Mommy cannot control. In short, I allow the situation / the outside world to punish them. Else, they grow up feeling so safe that I will ever be the one to protect them from themselves. -
When I read the article I got really mad. What makes her think she can speak as a representative of chinese mothers? I wouldn’t blame her daughters if they did an Esmie Tseng on her.
There are so many more chinese mothers who parent with love and not fear, who do not set these at-all-costs demands on their kids. Perhaps her methods have given ‘results’ in the short run, but later in life (i am assuming her kids are not yet 30), there will be serious mental and social repercussions through having been brought up like that, even if her kids now deny it and say that they benefitted / enjoyed being brought up like that.
Upon reflection, I suppose the article was meant to be sensational, and boost publicity for her book. So the best thing we can do is to boycott her book.
Initially I also thought the article was related to Amy Tan’s Joy Luck Club. The show was good in the sense that it portrayed the reality, the kiasuness and the chineseness of those parents. But it also showed the damage it did to the relationship between the mothers and their daughters. I would never want to have such dysfunctional relationships with my daughters.
What really annoys me is that she’s so proud of her methods, and thinks there’s nothing wrong with calling her kids garbage? Well, I think SHE’s garbage. Total control freak.
And to think that she’s a law professor at Yale. The faculty should be ashamed of having someone like her in their midst, even if she only uses such tactics on her own progeny and not her students.
Her surname made me wonder too… where was she born? Chua is a surname used in Singapore or Malaysia, not quite China right? -
Ah mystery solved. Parents ethnic chinese from philippines, and she was born in the US in 1962.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amy_Chua -
Funz:
My hubby got Ds and Cs, not all Ds, I remember wrongly. During our time, engineering was still quite popular, and there was a large intake.tamarind:
In fact, my hubby scored all Ds at A levels, he still could get into Engineering in NUS and get a degree
He's lucky then. Or not many going for engineering that year.
Possible to get placement in local U with that kind of grades these days?
NTU ENTRY REQUIREMENTS 2009
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2607
Engineering CCC/D--- ABB/A
College of Humanities, Arts, & Social Sciences
Art, Design & Media* DDD/D--- AAA/A
So long as a student has Bs and Cs, there are many choices. Though he may not get into the course that is his first choice.
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