Asian Mums are more SUPERIOR?

[autumnbronze]

Chenonceau:

AutumnBronze... :love:

Must give credit for wise words from a wise and experienced mummy ..

:celebrate: :celebrate:

[Brainkid]

Chenonceau:

Funz:

The Daughter advised Little Boy one day \"When Mommy says 'That is not going to end well for you', you had better sit up and take notice because Mommy enjoys allowing people to dig their own graves\".

Guess it helps to have an elder siblings to reinforce the younger ones.

Good tactics and a well written post... :celebrate:

[Funz]

Chenonceau:

Funz:

After getting her results last year, DD came to me and thanked me for drilling her and making her do piece and piece of math paper.

Hmmmm... In Primary school, it is still possible to drill. In secondary school, this becomes impossible because (1) adolescents are programmed to rebel (2) the parent is no longer in complete control of the influences that come through a teen's life.

The danger with getting into the drilling rut is that our kids develop a dependency on us. Without a parent pushing, they won't move. My daughter went to Nanyang Girls High and is now in Hwa Chong. I saw how many of her classmates turn from high achievers to low because they were no longer amenable to parental pressure.

I opted early to expose both my kids to the Principle of Logical Consequences. I would provide the math practices. I would schedule a reasonable amount of practice each day in a diary with them. Then, I would get my kids to mark their own work, before I mark them myself discreetly later. I made sure I let them know that copying answers only hurts them.

Of course, they didn't believe me. They copied. I closed one eye. They neglected to do the exercises as planned. I sighed. Then when the results come back poor, I comfort them and say \"Poor thing... If only you hadn't copied, and if only you had finished those exercises we set... No fun when you don't do well eh? Well, you're not stupid. You just didn't work as you should.\" Figuratively, I twist the dagger a bit there. Nicely... gently, but I still twist.

As a result, my kids were very average students in P1... but as the years go by, they develop a keen sense of wanting to do well because (1) I believed they can (2) if they don't I am not about to protect them from failure by nagging or forcing them to do any exercises.

In P6, The Daughter did well enough to go to Nanyang, and Little Boy is one of the top scorers in every subject except Chinese. And THEY are the ones who come home and ask me to give them work to do.

The Daughter advised Little Boy one day \"When Mommy says 'That is not going to end well for you', you had better sit up and take notice because Mommy enjoys allowing people to dig their own graves\".

Basically, I believed that failure teaches lessons that are important for success and the earlier a child learns to fail (within margins of safety) and recover, the better he is prepared to succeed later in his academic career, and in life. As such, when I see a safe opportunity for failure e.g., I allow (sometimes, I sneakily help) it to happen.

There are some occasions one must not fail at e.g., PSLE or mid-year or end-year... but when there is opportunity to have my child experience the pain of not doing well, I leverage on it by removing my protective and nagging presence (just for that specific occasion)... and let the child realise that there are consequences to his insouciance... and that these are Logical Consequences that Mommy cannot control. In short, I allow the situation / the outside world to punish them. Else, they grow up feeling so safe that I will ever be the one to protect them from themselves.

I agree with what you have written. And I pretty much did what you did and when as expected, DD did not do what I told her to do, I just reminded her. She came back with lower then expected grades on her topical test and was all teary and remorseful and she promised to do what I told her to do. But the cycle continues. And then the excuses started. \"But mummy, I already know so why do I have to do them again.\" So when come time for her finals, I told her ok, lets try this. You do what I set out for you to do and this time, no excuses, no I forgot and no slipshod work. So initially she gave me half hearted work riddled with her usual mistakes all over the place. Her problem is not with concepts or understanding. Her problem is carelessness and making assumptions and complacency. And each time she comes with this kind of quality of work, I pulled out 2 more sets of papers for her to do, 1 in the evening after dinner, another in the morning before school. My aim in drilling her this time is not to drill into her methods or concepts or making her memorise stuff. The aim is to get her to see the importance of not being complacent and to be more conscientious about her work. Instead of glancing at the questions and diving into it with assumptions, she has to read the questions carefully. I am not sitting beside her when she is doing her work so she is on her own on this and after 2-3 papers she realised her own mistakes and self corrected.

I think you know your kids well enough to know that you can leave them to learn from their little failures. But my alarm bells went off when DD started making excuses for herself for getting grades lower then what she is capable of. She is not failing and they are still acceptable grades but looking at her attitude, I can only see it getting worse.

I am hoping after that session last year, she will be more conscientious in her work. I am again leaving her to her own devices to see if she improves.

I guess it is never easy, when to step in when to step back. How to balance? So many people with so many opinions. So the best that any parents can do is to try to gain some from other people's experience, learn some from all the experts in the field, and the rest are all instincts and faith.

[Brainkid]

tamarind:

Funz:

[quote=\"tamarind\"]In fact, my hubby scored all Ds at A levels, he still could get into Engineering in NUS and get a degree

He's lucky then. Or not many going for engineering that year.

Possible to get placement in local U with that kind of grades these days?

My hubby got Ds and Cs, not all Ds, I remember wrongly. During our time, engineering was still quite popular, and there was a large intake.

NTU ENTRY REQUIREMENTS 2009
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2607

Engineering CCC/D--- ABB/A

College of Humanities, Arts, & Social Sciences
Art, Design & Media* DDD/D--- AAA/A

So long as a student has Bs and Cs, there are many choices. Though he may not get into the course that is his first choice.[/quote]I am an engineering graduate. (Hello.. ) You are right that largely it is due to the bigger cohert (due to manufacturing sector boom 10 years ago) hence the demand so the score acceptance is lower than other faculty.

Now, there are so many courses opened in local Universities esp NTU compared to our years..choices are more.

But mayI re-iterate also that getting a degree only makes you better in the sense you are likely going to be a white-collar. But in terms of the wealth and success in career, it depends a lot on the following:

- Character
- Charisma
- Adapatability
- Luck

Personally, I have met some Diploma holders who made it big in life with wealth of experience in business because of the above. One of the important factor is they started YOUNG while others are pursuing the paper qualification...

So, much as a Chinese mom (as describe in article) mould a child the hard way out, incalcation of the right character is the very important aspect not to be missed.

先苦后甜...Thats somewhat the way my Chinese mom bought me up and I appreciate that.

[Chenonceau]

Funz:

But my alarm bells went off when DD started making excuses for herself for getting grades lower then what she is capable of. She is not failing and they are still acceptable grades but looking at her attitude, I can only see it getting worse.

This is wise mothering. Your daughter is a very lucky girl.

[autumnbronze]

As parents, we, and only we, know our child best.


Methods and are just methods. One cannot just impose a method just because it worked on someone's else. You need to assess your child's personality first.

Ultimately, the fundamental key is to let go when we should so that the child will learn to 'make his own way' eventually.

Rest assured Funz, you did the right thing based on your post. And I also agree that yes, most times we have to depend on instincts and faith as well to guide us when it is the time to step back.

:celebrate: :celebrate:

[tamarind]

Brainkid:

tamarind:

[quote=\"Funz\"]
He's lucky then. Or not many going for engineering that year.

Possible to get placement in local U with that kind of grades these days?

My hubby got Ds and Cs, not all Ds, I remember wrongly. During our time, engineering was still quite popular, and there was a large intake.

NTU ENTRY REQUIREMENTS 2009
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2607

Engineering CCC/D--- ABB/A

College of Humanities, Arts, & Social Sciences
Art, Design & Media* DDD/D--- AAA/A

So long as a student has Bs and Cs, there are many choices. Though he may not get into the course that is his first choice.

I am an engineering graduate. (Hello.. ) You are right that largely it is due to the bigger cohert (due to manufacturing sector boom 10 years ago) hence the demand so the score acceptance is lower than other faculty.

Now, there are so many courses opened in local Universities esp NTU compared to our years..choices are more.

But mayI re-iterate also that getting a degree only makes you better in the sense you are likely going to be a white-collar. But in terms of the wealth and success in career, it depends a lot on the following:

- Character
- Charisma
- Adapatability
- Luck

Personally, I have met some Diploma holders who made it big in life with wealth of experience in business because of the above. One of the important factor is they started YOUNG while others are pursuing the paper qualification...

So, much as a Chinese mom (as describe in article) mould a child the hard way out, incalcation of the right character is the very important aspect not to be missed.

先苦后甜...Thats somewhat the way my Chinese mom bought me up and I appreciate that.[/quote]I agree with you that character, luck, etc are more important than a degree.

My post was aimed at parents who push, or even beat their kids to get perfect scores. I have seen countless parents in this forum who panic when their kids get 80+ marks in any subjects, and at least 2 parents whose kids are already in the GEP, and still worried. I believe that many parents have neglected character development.

The fact is that getting 70-80 marks are good enough to get a degree in local universities, even all Ds can get you into arts faculty. Of course, if kids want to get into a course that is their first choice, they better work very hard.

[tamarind]

Chenonceau:

In short, I allow the situation / the outside world to punish them. Else, they grow up feeling so safe that I will ever be the one to protect them from themselves.

The reality is that I have encountered so many smart kids who ended up in poly. Even when they failed a module twice and will definitely be kicked out of poly without a diploma, they still didn't want to study. These kids have no idea what life will be like with only O levels cert. The fact is that in Singapore, unless you are rich and can afford to go overseas, you will never have a chance to get back to poly or university if you failed. As parents, do we really want our kids to face this type of consequences ?

[Chenonceau]

tamarind:

Chenonceau:

In short, I allow the situation / the outside world to punish them. Else, they grow up feeling so safe that I will ever be the one to protect them from themselves.

The reality is that I have encountered so many smart kids who ended up in poly. Even when they failed a module twice and will definitely be kicked out of poly without a diploma, they still didn't want to study. These kids have no idea what life will be like with only O levels cert. The fact is that in Singapore, unless you are rich and can afford to go overseas, you will never have a chance to get back to poly or university if you failed. As parents, do we really want our kids to face this type of consequences ?

Hmmm... you may have to read the above quote in its original context eh? Specifically, (1) it referenced Lower Primary, (2) wisely chosen opportunities to teach failure's lessons. Hence, I am not sure we speak of the same age group (poly versus lower primary)... and also, not the same failure event (i.e., none of the major exams such as the 'O' levels should be used as opportunities to teach failure's lessons).

If the parent teaches the lessons of failure when young and consequences are less serious, it hurts the child less than when we protect them till we cannot protect them anymore (i.e., in Poly)... and then Life will teach them whether our hearts ache or not. If we don't teach the lesson, Life will... and as you have pointed out, if you wait till Poly to teach it, the lessons will be very very painful. We should teach the lessons of failure early while we are still in control of the child's universe... and can better help them recover.

Might not be a good idea for me to reword the whole previous post here in response to you but maybe if you re-read my earlier post, it'll be clearer?

[tamarind]

Chenonceau,

Even in lower primary, there are many students who failed their subjects, suffered the consequences of failing, but are still not motivated to study harder. My kids are in neighbourhood primary schools, so we know that there are many kids like these.

Anyway, my post is just lamenting the situation in general, not meant to argue with you about what you wrote.