Are children selfish by nature?

[auntieM]

tankee:

auntieM:

Interesting topic.. ...

We encourage our DS to share his stuff, but since young I sort of taught him not to 'take' other people's stuff.. ..Unless it is a willing party and then they can go ahead and play..

this is good approach.

I am trying to go by this approach too, but once in a while, DS will challenge me with \"why should I share with xxx when he\\she does not share with me?\"

So far so good with my DS, if others don't want to share I just tell him to move on.. ..
I do agree that parenting style does plays a big part..

[Alex001]

Children are not selfish, they simply want to show their authority over the others. It may also be because they are kiasu and fear that he/she might do something to their thing.


I myself used to be kiasu and was selfish, but now I share almost everything.

[teh_oh]

myWQ:

Hi Parents,


I am a mummy to a toddler. I have been puzzled by the actions of some children and wish to get some feedback.

When I bring my girl out to play or swim, we will come across children (mostly around 4 ys old and above) who will snatch their toys/floats/water guns away when my child touches them or wants to play with them. Other instances are that a group of kids will be playing with some toys and when my child approached them they will move themselves and all their toys to another place to play. They will say things like \"Hey that is mine\" or \"Don't touch my things\".

I am very puzzled because my girl very willingly shares her
toys with others. She will even volunteerily offer her tricycle to other kids who want a ride on it.

I use the word 'selfish' because I could not think of another word to better describe the scenarios, and not as a critique of the children's behaviour.

Can any parent please enlighten me? I am at a lost of how to explain to my girl should she ask me next time why the other kids don't want to share their toys with her.

You do not have to create excuses to excuse other children's territorial behaviour. When kids don't want to share their toys with my child, I told my child that those kids have every right not to because those are their toys. I went on further to ask him if he feels good about the way the other children behaved (which of course is a no) and explained to him that all the more he should share his toys within his comfortable limits. Not sharing one's toys is not considered as a selfish behaviour. Not sharing common items like not wanting to take turns on the slide etc, is a selfish act.

[ChiefKiasu]

myWQ:

Hi Parents,


I am a mummy to a toddler. I have been puzzled by the actions of some children and wish to get some feedback.

When I bring my girl out to play or swim, we will come across children (mostly around 4 ys old and above) who will snatch their toys/floats/water guns away when my child touches them or wants to play with them. Other instances are that a group of kids will be playing with some toys and when my child approached them they will move themselves and all their toys to another place to play. They will say things like \"Hey that is mine\" or \"Don't touch my things\".

I am very puzzled because my girl very willingly shares her
toys with others. She will even volunteerily offer her tricycle to other kids who want a ride on it.

I use the word 'selfish' because I could not think of another word to better describe the scenarios, and not as a critique of the children's behaviour.

Can any parent please enlighten me? I am at a lost of how to explain to my girl should she ask me next time why the other kids don't want to share their toys with her.

Dear myWQ,

I would hazard a bet that your girl is probably the only child at home? If she has a brother or a sister, things will turn out to be very different

You might want to take a look at an old post of ours:
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/018-toddlers-property-laws

[cherrygal]

Is there a law that says kids must share their toys at common areas such as playgrounds? If the kid wants to play with another person’s toys, just ask BEFORE touching it. It is up to the owner to decide if he/she wants to share. Usually, the kid will allow if you ask first. But by touching the toy without asking, you are encroaching on the property of others. It is not selfishness, but permission should be sought first - basic courtesy I guess. By touching first, you are not giving the owner the option to refuse.


And most times, people who want to use my son’s toys would try and snatch it and spoil the toy in the process (happened many times). For such "bullies", I tell my son not to lend them the toy. I don’t think this is selfishness.

I don’t think we can make sweeping statements about people who don’t wish to lend their precious toys to strangers who don’t even ask first.

[Nebbermind]

I agree with Sleepy. Most young kids I’ve seen r not interested in playing with their peers. They r usually only interested in other people’s toys and are also curious about what older kids do.

[Han Seo]

First of all, I think we should teach our child to ask for permission first before touching another person’s belongings. This is basic courtesy.


And if the other party says ‘No’, I would use this as a learning opportunity to teach my child problem solving and social skills. (Note:Don’t we all have a right not to share our personal belongings if we don’t want to, at times?).

Prior to that, I would role play similar scenarios with my child, using puppets as props or story characters. I would ask my child:

1. Your friend says ‘No’, what do you think you can do? If my child answers, "Snatch it from him", I would then ask, "Well, if your friend snatch your toy, would you like it?" etc…
2. I would encourage my child to solve the problem. If he said he has no idea, I may then offer some suggestions for him to try, example, do you think if you ask nicely, your friend might lend it to you? What about exchanging another toy with your friend, do you think this will work?

The messages I would like to teach my child are the following:
1. Ask for permission before touching/using other’s belongings
2. When faced with rejections, which is a real life problem in our daily life, how can I solve it without resorting to violence?

[auntieM]

My DS likes to play with his Ipad when we are out. On a few occasions he shared with his friends/ cousins and ended up being brushed away in the end..

This CNY, for the entire time that we were at ILs' house, the Ipad stayed in his bag.. ..I was surprised and have yet to talk about this incident with him..

So I guess I'm either looking at a little selfishness here, or a boy learning how to protect his belongings.. ..

[foreverj]

teh_oh:

myWQ:

Hi Parents,


I am a mummy to a toddler. I have been puzzled by the actions of some children and wish to get some feedback.

When I bring my girl out to play or swim, we will come across children (mostly around 4 ys old and above) who will snatch their toys/floats/water guns away when my child touches them or wants to play with them. Other instances are that a group of kids will be playing with some toys and when my child approached them they will move themselves and all their toys to another place to play. They will say things like \"Hey that is mine\" or \"Don't touch my things\".

I am very puzzled because my girl very willingly shares her
toys with others. She will even volunteerily offer her tricycle to other kids who want a ride on it.

I use the word 'selfish' because I could not think of another word to better describe the scenarios, and not as a critique of the children's behaviour.

Can any parent please enlighten me? I am at a lost of how to explain to my girl should she ask me next time why the other kids don't want to share their toys with her.

You do not have to create excuses to excuse other children's territorial behaviour. When kids don't want to share their toys with my child, I told my child that those kids have every right not to because those are their toys. I went on further to ask him if he feels good about the way the other children behaved (which of course is a no) and explained to him that all the more he should share his toys within his comfortable limits. Not sharing one's toys is not considered as a selfish behaviour. Not sharing common items like not wanting to take turns on the slide etc, is a selfish act.

usually if another kid does not share, i will tell dd that it's ok and direct her attention to an alternative toy. depending on the kid's age, if its very young like 2 or 3, i wil explain that they are young and has not learnt how to share yet. if they r older, i will tell dd its becos their parents never teach them hence no point fighting over the toy.

similarly, i tell dd if she does not share, people will say she 没家教(between the both of us). if in front of others, i wil not force her to share. i wil ask her to share n if she refuses, i will find another toy to offer to the other child. usually i wil read the situation also n won't push it, eg. if dd is feeling tired, or she's jealous that i m doting on the other kid (underlying current that i sense) she naturally wil not be in the mood to share.

i feel that we need to teach from a young age that they should share. this is an impt rule of social behaviour and wil affect the way they interact with their peers as well. once they r older, they wld have the maturity to decide how far they are willing to go to share their belongings. if we tell them its the right of the other child not to share, we may inadvertently have taught them it is actually ok not to share.

[foreverj]

teh_oh:

myWQ:

Hi Parents,


I am a mummy to a toddler. I have been puzzled by the actions of some children and wish to get some feedback.

When I bring my girl out to play or swim, we will come across children (mostly around 4 ys old and above) who will snatch their toys/floats/water guns away when my child touches them or wants to play with them. Other instances are that a group of kids will be playing with some toys and when my child approached them they will move themselves and all their toys to another place to play. They will say things like \"Hey that is mine\" or \"Don't touch my things\".

I am very puzzled because my girl very willingly shares her
toys with others. She will even volunteerily offer her tricycle to other kids who want a ride on it.

I use the word 'selfish' because I could not think of another word to better describe the scenarios, and not as a critique of the children's behaviour.

Can any parent please enlighten me? I am at a lost of how to explain to my girl should she ask me next time why the other kids don't want to share their toys with her.

You do not have to create excuses to excuse other children's territorial behaviour. When kids don't want to share their toys with my child, I told my child that those kids have every right not to because those are their toys. I went on further to ask him if he feels good about the way the other children behaved (which of course is a no) and explained to him that all the more he should share his toys within his comfortable limits. Not sharing one's toys is not considered as a selfish behaviour. Not sharing common items like not wanting to take turns on the slide etc, is a selfish act.

usually if another kid does not share, i will tell dd that it's ok and direct her attention to an alternative toy. depending on the kid's age, if its very young like 2 or 3, i wil explain that they are young and has not learnt how to share yet. if they r older, i will tell dd its becos their parents never teach them hence no point fighting over the toy.

similarly, i tell dd if she does not share, people will say she 没家教(between the both of us). if in front of others, i wil not force her to share. i wil ask her to share n if she refuses, i will find another toy to offer to the other child. usually i wil read the situation also n won't push it, eg. if dd is feeling tired, or she's jealous that i m doting on the other kid (underlying current that i sense) she naturally wil not be in the mood to share.

i feel that we need to teach from a young age that they should share. this is an impt rule of social behaviour and wil affect the way they interact with their peers as well. once they r older, they wld have the maturity to decide how far they are willing to go to share their belongings. if we tell them its the right of the other child not to share, we may inadvertently have taught them it is actually ok not to share.