In-law problems?
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Chenonceau:
When she came over today, she noted that my toilet bowls needed bleaching and my pineapple tarts should be in the fridge. I told her that she needs to only mind her house, not mine. I can manage my household without help. Hopefully, when we move in together, she will remember what I said today or else I'll go mad.
did you actually tell her to mind her house and you yours? wow, i will get a smack on my head from my parents if i said that to my mil.
hmmm, this happened to me when i just got married. at first, i was unhappy but i realised that this is not the way to go. so if she comes over and tell me this and that, i will listen because sometimes what she said is right and for the rest, i just do my own way if i disagree. but i will not treat her comments as something negative adn keep a happy mind myself and laugh off her comments.
sometimes, i did what my mil do. when i went to my parents' house, i will check the house and make comments too and my parents called me busybody. oh, how i miss them both. -
LOLMum:
Not only that, my hubby and I will have fights. But honestly it's good to draw the line clear because it will be tough staying under one roof...if she walks over every other day telling you which toilet bowl needs bleaching or the sink needs a good scrub, it will be very stressful.
did you actually tell her to mind her house and you yours? wow, i will get a smack on my head from my parents if i said that to my mil.Chenonceau:
When she came over today, she noted that my toilet bowls needed bleaching and my pineapple tarts should be in the fridge. I told her that she needs to only mind her house, not mine. I can manage my household without help. Hopefully, when we move in together, she will remember what I said today or else I'll go mad. -
janet_lee88:
Not only that, my hubby and I will have fights. But honestly it's good to draw the line clear because it will be tough staying under one roof...if she walks over every other day telling you which toilet bowl needs bleaching or the sink needs a good scrub, it will be very stressful.[/quote]
did you actually tell her to mind her house and you yours? wow, i will get a smack on my head from my parents if i said that to my mil.LOLMum:
[quote=\"Chenonceau\"]
When she came over today, she noted that my toilet bowls needed bleaching and my pineapple tarts should be in the fridge. I told her that she needs to only mind her house, not mine. I can manage my household without help. Hopefully, when we move in together, she will remember what I said today or else I'll go mad.
just shove the toilet brush into her hands and smile
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Glad to report today's lunch steamboat with yusheng went well, ke...ke...ke! My MIL likes the yusheng and she said she was about to buy it herself to eat. I said no need since each year I will sure to order and invite them over. In the past, yes, MIL will comment about this and that and that I should polish the bronze Indian lamp stand that she gave my hubby, that we should sweep all the fallen leaves off the back-yard and that I should tell my maid to work harder to clean the dirty marks (made by my DS) off the wall etc.. But nowadays hardly and I greatly suspect it was due to my FIL constantly reminding her to keep her mouth shut, mind her own business and leave us alone!
So drama-free and problem-free loh.
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DesertWind:
Wow :shock: you are so lucky to have a FIL to keep her in check and keep quiet. Mine is extremely hen-pecked...so she rules EVERYTHING.But nowadays hardly and I greatly suspect it was due to my FIL constantly reminding her to keep her mouth shut, mind her own business and leave us alone!
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janet_lee88:
When we first got married, we stayed with her in her flat. My husband and I had a minor fight. She sat us both down and said, \"Come. I will mediate.\" I was very shocked, and wondered if she would also presume to have a place during our intimate moments in the bedroom! At that time, I was also the maid because I have a much lower tolerance for untidyness than she does.
Not only that, my hubby and I will have fights. But honestly it's good to draw the line clear because it will be tough staying under one roof...if she walks over every other day telling you which toilet bowl needs bleaching or the sink needs a good scrub, it will be very stressful.
I had promised hubby's to try and stay with her. Ok. I tried. Didn't work. I was miserable. The Husband saw how I was lugging my pregnant belly whilst mopping the floor and we bought our own place.
Then, in our apartment, she insisted to have a room. She lived just in the opposite block but insisted must have room in our flat. She complained to the kids about me. And whatever I told the maid to do, she would reverse the instruction. I didn't understand why she neglected her own 5 room flat and her own husband to come and order me around in my own house. I comforted myself saying that she was helping to look after the kids and so I gave in all the time. I had my job to distract me, and I didn't want unhappiness at home.
One day, I realized that I shouldn't be sacrificing my children's healthful development so that an old lady can feel a sense of pride and ownership. She was a happy and fulfilled Grandma but my kids were neither happy nor fulfilled. Neither was I nor my hubby.
So I maneuvered to move her back to her own home, so that I could put my house in order. I fought her and my husband. People told me that she had more experience than I... And for 2 years, it was very uncomfortable. But the things I was doing with my kids gave results. The Daughter moved from bottom to top. Little Boy's relationship with his sister and father improved greatly. When The Daughter went to the top of her class and was invited to train nationally in her sport, my husband stopped fighting me and began shielding me discreetly.
That taught me one thing. It doesn't matter how young a mother you are. Or how stupid you feel about mothering. I felt stupid everyday because MIL was always telling me how wrong I was. Or how people say shouldn't do this and that. I did many things that people said not to and got results. Just follow your mother instinct. Mothering is complex, no one knows your kids and your environment better than you.
When we moved house, she was angry because though bigger, we still gave her no room. Everyday she came over. My growing kids began to feel the weight of her need to control. I had to step in and tell her to give them space. Again, there was drama. She cried and said she felt unwelcome in her son's house. I explained that we welcomed her but nobody likes to be bossed around for hours... and children need some freedom in order to feel empowered. Things got much better because I was a lot more confident and no one could argue with the results I had produced with Little Boy's emotional development and The Daughter's academics.
My husband wanted me to try again (a 3rd time). Now, we will be giving her a self-contained apartment in our house. I am afraid she will go back to bad habits. But I take heart in that I am in a much stronger position now because my husband and my kids are on my side. We have an agreement. If she tries to boss any one of us, we will say the same thing - \"You are boss in your house, and we are boss in ours.\" -
Chenonceau:
That taught me one thing. It doesn't matter how young a mother you are. Or how stupid you feel about mothering. I felt stupid everyday because MIL was always telling me how wrong I was. Or how people say shouldn't do this and that. I did many things that people said not to and got results. Just follow your mother instinct. Mothering is complex, no one knows your kids and your environment better than you.
I agree with this para. Chenonceau. Although it is a long way for me yet as my son is just 3+. But I do agree especially about the motherly instinct bit.
:celebrate: -
janet_lee88:
Wow :shock: you are so lucky to have a FIL to keep her in check and keep quiet. Mine is extremely hen-pecked...so she rules EVERYTHING.
Hi janet_lee,
Yes, it has greatly help us, my FIL! I think he can \"see\" much better and \"read\" the situation much better than my MIL so he can see when my MIL said/did something and my reaction/non-reaction and he would go back and talk to my MIL about it.
Doesn't matter whether MIL was right or I was right, the situation was bad and there was a misunderstanding or flared temper and for sure my MIL would complain to FIL and hubby bitterly about me. Hubby sure cannot fight or convince her one. But I think FIL helps quite a bit to try to get my MIL to \"see\" and \"read\" the situation first before reacting. I remembered in the early months of marriage I was thinking that my MIL is actually not very bright or intelligent, but has a very \"stay-at-home auntie\" type of thinking because she would react to everything and be very drama & emotional about small matters. Then not long after that, I was quite alarmed when one day, she no longer reacted instantly but I found that she was observing me very closely and looking at my face for some reaction and made no comments at all. Why alarmed? Like she was putting me under a microscope - Eeekks!
Until now it is like that lor.
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HI DesertWind,
Mine here is bossy and a natural actress…nobody tells her NO…must speak her language and be on her side. -
My motto with dealing with my ILs over the CNY is 习惯就好。
After so many years of the same thing I kinda know what to expect. And true enough, they decided on a whim that they wanted us back on the 1st day of CNY for lunch which for the past 10 yrs we do not practice as we will visit them 1st thing in the morning, then my parents and off to my uncle’s. So DH had to remind them it is not possible and that we will be back for lunch on the 2nd day.
1st day of CNY visited PILs in the morning. When we were about the leave, FIL asked us to drop him off at this brother’s. MIL was not changed at all and FIL started hurrying her. In the midst of all these, they started quarrelling and DH had to stop them.
2nd day of CNY, went to visit my granma then back for lunch at PIL’s. First thing MIL said when she saw us, I’m like a maid, wake up at 5am to go NTUC to buy the stuff for lunch, then gotta prepare and cook the whole morning. So busy, no time to rest at all. Then you all so senang just gelek here at lunch time to eat. One would think that she prepared like a super big feast. Turns out it was yusheng, all bought from NTUC just lay it out on a plate. Roast pork, just cut. Foo Chow fishball soup with tang hoon. Fried battered prawns, ok that takes a bit of effort to add water to the premix batter and fry, steamed seabass and fried bayam.
And again, just when we were leaving to go to my Aunt’s she asked DH to send her to her sister’s place which is in the opposite direction. FIL refuses to go and again they were on a verge of an argument.
Like I said, 习惯就好.
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