Are children selfish by nature?

[Han Seo]

First of all, I think we should teach our child to ask for permission first before touching another person’s belongings. This is basic courtesy.


And if the other party says ‘No’, I would use this as a learning opportunity to teach my child problem solving and social skills. (Note:Don’t we all have a right not to share our personal belongings if we don’t want to, at times?).

Prior to that, I would role play similar scenarios with my child, using puppets as props or story characters. I would ask my child:

1. Your friend says ‘No’, what do you think you can do? If my child answers, "Snatch it from him", I would then ask, "Well, if your friend snatch your toy, would you like it?" etc…
2. I would encourage my child to solve the problem. If he said he has no idea, I may then offer some suggestions for him to try, example, do you think if you ask nicely, your friend might lend it to you? What about exchanging another toy with your friend, do you think this will work?

The messages I would like to teach my child are the following:
1. Ask for permission before touching/using other’s belongings
2. When faced with rejections, which is a real life problem in our daily life, how can I solve it without resorting to violence?

[auntieM]

My DS likes to play with his Ipad when we are out. On a few occasions he shared with his friends/ cousins and ended up being brushed away in the end..

This CNY, for the entire time that we were at ILs' house, the Ipad stayed in his bag.. ..I was surprised and have yet to talk about this incident with him..

So I guess I'm either looking at a little selfishness here, or a boy learning how to protect his belongings.. ..

[foreverj]

teh_oh:

myWQ:

Hi Parents,


I am a mummy to a toddler. I have been puzzled by the actions of some children and wish to get some feedback.

When I bring my girl out to play or swim, we will come across children (mostly around 4 ys old and above) who will snatch their toys/floats/water guns away when my child touches them or wants to play with them. Other instances are that a group of kids will be playing with some toys and when my child approached them they will move themselves and all their toys to another place to play. They will say things like \"Hey that is mine\" or \"Don't touch my things\".

I am very puzzled because my girl very willingly shares her
toys with others. She will even volunteerily offer her tricycle to other kids who want a ride on it.

I use the word 'selfish' because I could not think of another word to better describe the scenarios, and not as a critique of the children's behaviour.

Can any parent please enlighten me? I am at a lost of how to explain to my girl should she ask me next time why the other kids don't want to share their toys with her.

You do not have to create excuses to excuse other children's territorial behaviour. When kids don't want to share their toys with my child, I told my child that those kids have every right not to because those are their toys. I went on further to ask him if he feels good about the way the other children behaved (which of course is a no) and explained to him that all the more he should share his toys within his comfortable limits. Not sharing one's toys is not considered as a selfish behaviour. Not sharing common items like not wanting to take turns on the slide etc, is a selfish act.

usually if another kid does not share, i will tell dd that it's ok and direct her attention to an alternative toy. depending on the kid's age, if its very young like 2 or 3, i wil explain that they are young and has not learnt how to share yet. if they r older, i will tell dd its becos their parents never teach them hence no point fighting over the toy.

similarly, i tell dd if she does not share, people will say she 没家教(between the both of us). if in front of others, i wil not force her to share. i wil ask her to share n if she refuses, i will find another toy to offer to the other child. usually i wil read the situation also n won't push it, eg. if dd is feeling tired, or she's jealous that i m doting on the other kid (underlying current that i sense) she naturally wil not be in the mood to share.

i feel that we need to teach from a young age that they should share. this is an impt rule of social behaviour and wil affect the way they interact with their peers as well. once they r older, they wld have the maturity to decide how far they are willing to go to share their belongings. if we tell them its the right of the other child not to share, we may inadvertently have taught them it is actually ok not to share.

[foreverj]

teh_oh:

myWQ:

Hi Parents,


I am a mummy to a toddler. I have been puzzled by the actions of some children and wish to get some feedback.

When I bring my girl out to play or swim, we will come across children (mostly around 4 ys old and above) who will snatch their toys/floats/water guns away when my child touches them or wants to play with them. Other instances are that a group of kids will be playing with some toys and when my child approached them they will move themselves and all their toys to another place to play. They will say things like \"Hey that is mine\" or \"Don't touch my things\".

I am very puzzled because my girl very willingly shares her
toys with others. She will even volunteerily offer her tricycle to other kids who want a ride on it.

I use the word 'selfish' because I could not think of another word to better describe the scenarios, and not as a critique of the children's behaviour.

Can any parent please enlighten me? I am at a lost of how to explain to my girl should she ask me next time why the other kids don't want to share their toys with her.

You do not have to create excuses to excuse other children's territorial behaviour. When kids don't want to share their toys with my child, I told my child that those kids have every right not to because those are their toys. I went on further to ask him if he feels good about the way the other children behaved (which of course is a no) and explained to him that all the more he should share his toys within his comfortable limits. Not sharing one's toys is not considered as a selfish behaviour. Not sharing common items like not wanting to take turns on the slide etc, is a selfish act.

usually if another kid does not share, i will tell dd that it's ok and direct her attention to an alternative toy. depending on the kid's age, if its very young like 2 or 3, i wil explain that they are young and has not learnt how to share yet. if they r older, i will tell dd its becos their parents never teach them hence no point fighting over the toy.

similarly, i tell dd if she does not share, people will say she 没家教(between the both of us). if in front of others, i wil not force her to share. i wil ask her to share n if she refuses, i will find another toy to offer to the other child. usually i wil read the situation also n won't push it, eg. if dd is feeling tired, or she's jealous that i m doting on the other kid (underlying current that i sense) she naturally wil not be in the mood to share.

i feel that we need to teach from a young age that they should share. this is an impt rule of social behaviour and wil affect the way they interact with their peers as well. once they r older, they wld have the maturity to decide how far they are willing to go to share their belongings. if we tell them its the right of the other child not to share, we may inadvertently have taught them it is actually ok not to share.

[teh_oh]

foreverj:

teh_oh:

[quote=\"myWQ\"]Hi Parents,


I am a mummy to a toddler. I have been puzzled by the actions of some children and wish to get some feedback.

When I bring my girl out to play or swim, we will come across children (mostly around 4 ys old and above) who will snatch their toys/floats/water guns away when my child touches them or wants to play with them. Other instances are that a group of kids will be playing with some toys and when my child approached them they will move themselves and all their toys to another place to play. They will say things like \"Hey that is mine\" or \"Don't touch my things\".

I am very puzzled because my girl very willingly shares her
toys with others. She will even volunteerily offer her tricycle to other kids who want a ride on it.

I use the word 'selfish' because I could not think of another word to better describe the scenarios, and not as a critique of the children's behaviour.

Can any parent please enlighten me? I am at a lost of how to explain to my girl should she ask me next time why the other kids don't want to share their toys with her.

You do not have to create excuses to excuse other children's territorial behaviour. When kids don't want to share their toys with my child, I told my child that those kids have every right not to because those are their toys. I went on further to ask him if he feels good about the way the other children behaved (which of course is a no) and explained to him that all the more he should share his toys within his comfortable limits. Not sharing one's toys is not considered as a selfish behaviour. Not sharing common items like not wanting to take turns on the slide etc, is a selfish act.

usually if another kid does not share, i will tell dd that it's ok and direct her attention to an alternative toy. depending on the kid's age, if its very young like 2 or 3, i wil explain that they are young and has not learnt how to share yet. if they r older, i will tell dd its becos their parents never teach them hence no point fighting over the toy.

similarly, i tell dd if she does not share, people will say she 没家教(between the both of us). if in front of others, i wil not force her to share. i wil ask her to share n if she refuses, i will find another toy to offer to the other child. usually i wil read the situation also n won't push it, eg. if dd is feeling tired, or she's jealous that i m doting on the other kid (underlying current that i sense) she naturally wil not be in the mood to share.

i feel that we need to teach from a young age that they should share. this is an impt rule of social behaviour and wil affect the way they interact with their peers as well. once they r older, they wld have the maturity to decide how far they are willing to go to share their belongings. if we tell them its the right of the other child not to share, we may inadvertently have taught them it is actually ok not to share.[/quote]The best way to teach sharing is to show it. The child will pick up social behaviour mostly from home.
On the other hand, to tell my child that other people will say he 没家教 if he does not share, i may inadvertently have taught him to judge those who are not sharing to also not to have 家教.

[autolycus]

Living organisms are by definition self-centred. That is, their nature is to consume and to otherwise interact in a way that puts their priorities first.


In that sense, humans are born completely self-centred, and since they have very little social or cognitive complexity, they are also selfish. Here, I’m defining ‘selfish’ as ‘having a mindset which is deliberately self-centred’. Since the newborn has no ‘theory of mind’ and little ‘sense of selfhood’, it has no choice but to be selfish at first.

However, as the newborn grows, cognitive complexity is created in the brain and social complexity is absorbed from the environment. The newborn then develops a sense that there are choices to be made, and that some of them have to do with things like altruism, shared goals, shared resources and deferring one’s satisfaction. The extent to which the social environment, especially the mother’s influence (most of the time, the mother is closest), drives the child in those directions, the less selfish the child will be.

And so it goes…

[kiddo]

autolycus:

The extent to which the social environment, especially the mother's influence (most of the time, the mother is closest), drives the child in those directions, the less selfish the child will be.


And so it goes...

Yoohoo yes Mum influence indeed ...the hand that rock the cradle rule the world. :love:

[atrecord]

Kids are human, who are in turn living things, whose basic and most fundamental instinct is survival, which will by extension lead to self protection of property and being - so i’ll say that it’s normal, and probably in-born.


It’s up to the parents to teach the values of sharing to the kids. Obviously there will be challenges when it comes to non-normal situations and there will be questions. Sharing is based on the notion that there is enough for everyone, but in real life there are always exceptions, so it’s not always going to be easy to inculcate the right values in kids - as they will observe and learn what the parents (or other people do). For example, what do you tell the kids if and when you should be driving into a packed carpark with other cars (like yours) going around looking for an empty lot. Then once u see from far got pple about to leave, u (and others) try to reach that lot first to ‘cheop’ it. That is what almost everyone would do, and what if the kids ask you why don’t you share it with (or give it up) others? Will have to do a lot of explanations to the kids…

[KSP]

After being a parent for some years and looking at other parents/children around us, the behaviour of a child is very much depends on the parents. The way they teach and how the parents behaviour in front of their children. A very good saying is "They are what we are."

[autolycus]

My grandfather once gave a talk in school on why children misbehave. He mischievously but wisely said, \"Actually, I could make my talk very very short. The answer to why children misbehave is: 'Because their parents do.' \"