In-law problems?

[DesertWind]

janet_lee88:

Wow :shock: you are so lucky to have a FIL to keep her in check and keep quiet. Mine is extremely hen-pecked...so she rules EVERYTHING.

Hi janet_lee,

Yes, it has greatly help us, my FIL! I think he can \"see\" much better and \"read\" the situation much better than my MIL so he can see when my MIL said/did something and my reaction/non-reaction and he would go back and talk to my MIL about it.

Doesn't matter whether MIL was right or I was right, the situation was bad and there was a misunderstanding or flared temper and for sure my MIL would complain to FIL and hubby bitterly about me. Hubby sure cannot fight or convince her one. But I think FIL helps quite a bit to try to get my MIL to \"see\" and \"read\" the situation first before reacting. I remembered in the early months of marriage I was thinking that my MIL is actually not very bright or intelligent, but has a very \"stay-at-home auntie\" type of thinking because she would react to everything and be very drama & emotional about small matters. Then not long after that, I was quite alarmed when one day, she no longer reacted instantly but I found that she was observing me very closely and looking at my face for some reaction and made no comments at all. Why alarmed? Like she was putting me under a microscope - Eeekks!

Until now it is like that lor.

[janet88]

HI DesertWind,

Mine here is bossy and a natural actress…nobody tells her NO…must speak her language and be on her side.

[Funz]

My motto with dealing with my ILs over the CNY is 习惯就好。


After so many years of the same thing I kinda know what to expect. And true enough, they decided on a whim that they wanted us back on the 1st day of CNY for lunch which for the past 10 yrs we do not practice as we will visit them 1st thing in the morning, then my parents and off to my uncle’s. So DH had to remind them it is not possible and that we will be back for lunch on the 2nd day.

1st day of CNY visited PILs in the morning. When we were about the leave, FIL asked us to drop him off at this brother’s. MIL was not changed at all and FIL started hurrying her. In the midst of all these, they started quarrelling and DH had to stop them.

2nd day of CNY, went to visit my granma then back for lunch at PIL’s. First thing MIL said when she saw us, I’m like a maid, wake up at 5am to go NTUC to buy the stuff for lunch, then gotta prepare and cook the whole morning. So busy, no time to rest at all. Then you all so senang just gelek here at lunch time to eat. One would think that she prepared like a super big feast. Turns out it was yusheng, all bought from NTUC just lay it out on a plate. Roast pork, just cut. Foo Chow fishball soup with tang hoon. Fried battered prawns, ok that takes a bit of effort to add water to the premix batter and fry, steamed seabass and fried bayam.

And again, just when we were leaving to go to my Aunt’s she asked DH to send her to her sister’s place which is in the opposite direction. FIL refuses to go and again they were on a verge of an argument.

Like I said, 习惯就好.

[janet88]

Funz:

2nd day of CNY, went to visit my granma then back for lunch at PIL's. First thing MIL said when she saw us, I'm like a maid, wake up at 5am to go NTUC to buy the stuff for lunch, then gotta prepare and cook the whole morning. So busy, no time to rest at all. Then you all so senang just gelek here at lunch time to eat. One would think that she prepared like a super big feast. Turns out it was yusheng, all bought from NTUC just lay it out on a plate. Roast pork, just cut. Foo Chow fishball soup with tang hoon. Fried battered prawns, ok that takes a bit of effort to add water to the premix batter and fry, steamed seabass and fried bayam.

If your MIL is not used to the idea of having you guys back for lunch on 2nd day, can't she drop the idea ? After all, you have already gone there on 1st day. If really happy eating together, even eating KFC will do.

[auntieM]

.. ...mostly about 'face' and 'winning'.. ...this second visit for CNY thingy... For my MIL that is... ...


Lucky we get to 'busy' away, but she till tries..

[Funz]

janet_lee88:

Funz:

2nd day of CNY, went to visit my granma then back for lunch at PIL's. First thing MIL said when she saw us, I'm like a maid, wake up at 5am to go NTUC to buy the stuff for lunch, then gotta prepare and cook the whole morning. So busy, no time to rest at all. Then you all so senang just gelek here at lunch time to eat. One would think that she prepared like a super big feast. Turns out it was yusheng, all bought from NTUC just lay it out on a plate. Roast pork, just cut. Foo Chow fishball soup with tang hoon. Fried battered prawns, ok that takes a bit of effort to add water to the premix batter and fry, steamed seabass and fried bayam.

If your MIL is not used to the idea of having you guys back for lunch on 2nd day, can't she drop the idea ? After all, you have already gone there on 1st day. If really happy eating together, even eating KFC will do.

this thing about going back for lunch on 2nd day of CNY has been happening for the last few years oredi. Think since DD was born so about 8yrs oredi. Initially we will visit them on the 1st day and that's it. But they make a lot of noise say never have any meals with them during CNY which was when the 2nd day CNY lunch began. Every year, I offered to pack lunch for over and all she needs to do is the Yusheng. And when I say pack lunch over, I mean pencai kinda stuff hor not KFC or chicken rice. But each year they reject and each year some drama will happen. And to add to the drama this year, they have never asked us back for dinner for yuan xiao. This year suddenly tell us must go back for dinner on yuan xiao. This time, DH got fedup told them to stop coming up with new pattern and spare a thought for him. He told them my entire family has been giving in and accomodating his schedule for years all because of their whims and fancies. Growing up they have never placed any significance on yuan xiao why start now.

Initially CNY eve was reserved for them for reunion but suddenly after a few years MIL got all worked up and say how can have reunion with niang jia first so we change, have reunion with them b4 having reunion with my family and everyone including my uncles and cousin had to accomodate us since we usually have our reunion with my extended family. Then this year, they suddenly wanted to have it on CNY eve again so again, my entire family changed our schedule to accomodate them. Myself and my family are ok, so long was we gather somewhere at some pt in time for our reunion, we are ok. But DH feels bad I guess.

I leave it to DH to deal with his parents and most times, he would rather have minimal contact with them. It's sad, I wish relations with his parents can be better but after so many years, well, 习惯就好.

[Andaiz]

Funz:

... DH got fedup told them to stop coming up with new pattern and spare a thought for him. He told them my entire family has been giving in and accomodating his schedule for years all because of their whims and fancies. Growing up they have never placed any significance on yuan xiao why start now.


Initially CNY eve was reserved for them for reunion but suddenly after a few years MIL got all worked up and say how can have reunion with niang jia first so we change, have reunion with them b4 having reunion with my family and everyone including my uncles and cousin had to accomodate us since we usually have our reunion with my extended family. Then this year, they suddenly wanted to have it on CNY eve again so again, my entire family changed our schedule to accomodate them. Myself and my family are ok, so long was we gather somewhere at some pt in time for our reunion, we are ok. But DH feels bad I guess.

I leave it to DH to deal with his parents and most times, he would rather have minimal contact with them. It's sad, I wish relations with his parents can be better but after so many years, well, 习惯就好.

Gasp, Funz...did you MIL and my MIL have a pre-CNY conference?

Mine comes up with loads of \"new pattern\" over the years. Last year, it was a switch from Lunch on First day with DH's side (grandaunt) to lunch on Second Day. Good thing he insisted (of course she'd :x :x ) that every year, Second day is \"reserved\" for my parents coz we hoi lin (kai nian in Chinese) and my mum has an open house.

We asked them out for CNY loh hei last year as we felt he needed to be fair (my family has the tradition that my sis and I would buy loh hei with my grandparents since we'd started working). So this year, SHE (MIL) insisted that my BIL and family be included; and if it were the cost, they would gladly pay

Now she's asking for another loh hei with the extended family next weekend...DH is away so we're siam-ing it. It seems she's keen to celebrate yuan siao! :frustrated: and we've never done it before!

I appreciate the effort but it's getting a bitta OVERDOSE liao!

Sigh!

[janet88]

For reunion lunch/dinner, my BIL is the one who handles or should I say, his wife will settle. But she and I will think of where to eat. Usually eaten 1 week ahead…settle and done with bcos eve of CNY is reserved for her to eat with her parents. SIL calls the shots…that’s bcos the old one is lazy & reluctant to plan.


First day of CNY, MIL will then cook vegetarian dish. We will all go back for lunch. Since she is reluctant to cook a meal, and SIL doesn’t want to start the habit of 2nd day going back, I get to ‘escape’.

[mama_g]

Just to share my feelings… felt that my mil favours her older son more than my DH. The older son just got married last yr, 1st time SIL joins us for dinner… previous years i had maid to help my MIL, but not this year. So i was helping up… when SIL came, park herself in front of the TV touching her hubby and while me and MIL are bz at the kitchen. After dinner, throw her dishes at the sink.

MIL always ‘promote’ how good is her older son, but never mention a single word about my DH. Told the relatives that SIL cooks for my BIL ( which i did also), then i boldly ask her: So never ask you go eat???(which i did too)
FYI, me and DH got married earlier then her older son, we have flat, car, 2 lovable kids, maid(on n off). My mum says we are definately more blissful then the older son.
They only recently got married, recently got the flat and recently got the car… they are hoping for kids.
Told my MIL: I think your son got "mixed up" with the Ang Pao, first yr giving Ang Pao to my kids as " Ah Peh", giving $6 nia???
She quickly changed subject.
Her son is a very boastful creature.

Any of you experience such unfair treatment?
Enlighten me how to handle.
Overall I am ok with my MIL, just cant stand her unfair treatment.
Not angry with her but rather disappointed.

[Yong HL]

mama_g:

Just to share my feelings... felt that my mil favours her older son more than my DH. The older son just got married last yr, 1st time SIL joins us for dinner... previous years i had maid to help my MIL, but not this year. So i was helping up... when SIL came, park herself in front of the TV touching her hubby and while me and MIL are bz at the kitchen. After dinner, throw her dishes at the sink.

MIL always 'promote' how good is her older son, but never mention a single word about my DH. Told the relatives that SIL cooks for my BIL ( which i did also), then i boldly ask her: So never ask you go eat???(which i did too)
FYI, me and DH got married earlier then her older son, we have flat, car, 2 lovable kids, maid(on n off). My mum says we are definately more blissful then the older son.
They only recently got married, recently got the flat and recently got the car.. they are hoping for kids.
Told my MIL: I think your son got \"mixed up\" with the Ang Pao, first yr giving Ang Pao to my kids as \" Ah Peh\", giving $6 nia???
She quickly changed subject.
Her son is a very boastful creature.

Any of you experience such unfair treatment?
Enlighten me how to handle.
Overall I am ok with my MIL, just cant stand her unfair treatment.
Not angry with her but rather disappointed.

U stay with your in laws? if not, just close ears and eyes. Avoid unncecessary contacts at all costs