In-law problems?

[mama_g]

Just to share my feelings… felt that my mil favours her older son more than my DH. The older son just got married last yr, 1st time SIL joins us for dinner… previous years i had maid to help my MIL, but not this year. So i was helping up… when SIL came, park herself in front of the TV touching her hubby and while me and MIL are bz at the kitchen. After dinner, throw her dishes at the sink.

MIL always ‘promote’ how good is her older son, but never mention a single word about my DH. Told the relatives that SIL cooks for my BIL ( which i did also), then i boldly ask her: So never ask you go eat???(which i did too)
FYI, me and DH got married earlier then her older son, we have flat, car, 2 lovable kids, maid(on n off). My mum says we are definately more blissful then the older son.
They only recently got married, recently got the flat and recently got the car… they are hoping for kids.
Told my MIL: I think your son got "mixed up" with the Ang Pao, first yr giving Ang Pao to my kids as " Ah Peh", giving $6 nia???
She quickly changed subject.
Her son is a very boastful creature.

Any of you experience such unfair treatment?
Enlighten me how to handle.
Overall I am ok with my MIL, just cant stand her unfair treatment.
Not angry with her but rather disappointed.

[Yong HL]

mama_g:

Just to share my feelings... felt that my mil favours her older son more than my DH. The older son just got married last yr, 1st time SIL joins us for dinner... previous years i had maid to help my MIL, but not this year. So i was helping up... when SIL came, park herself in front of the TV touching her hubby and while me and MIL are bz at the kitchen. After dinner, throw her dishes at the sink.

MIL always 'promote' how good is her older son, but never mention a single word about my DH. Told the relatives that SIL cooks for my BIL ( which i did also), then i boldly ask her: So never ask you go eat???(which i did too)
FYI, me and DH got married earlier then her older son, we have flat, car, 2 lovable kids, maid(on n off). My mum says we are definately more blissful then the older son.
They only recently got married, recently got the flat and recently got the car.. they are hoping for kids.
Told my MIL: I think your son got \"mixed up\" with the Ang Pao, first yr giving Ang Pao to my kids as \" Ah Peh\", giving $6 nia???
She quickly changed subject.
Her son is a very boastful creature.

Any of you experience such unfair treatment?
Enlighten me how to handle.
Overall I am ok with my MIL, just cant stand her unfair treatment.
Not angry with her but rather disappointed.

U stay with your in laws? if not, just close ears and eyes. Avoid unncecessary contacts at all costs

[auntieM]

Dear mama_g,

Don't feel too upset k.. ...
If you read through this thread.. ..you will understand that it is quite a common practice by the ILs..
Just like what Yong HL said.. ..close one eye and :siam:

[Funz]

mama_g:

Just to share my feelings... felt that my mil favours her older son more than my DH. The older son just got married last yr, 1st time SIL joins us for dinner... previous years i had maid to help my MIL, but not this year. So i was helping up... when SIL came, park herself in front of the TV touching her hubby and while me and MIL are bz at the kitchen. After dinner, throw her dishes at the sink.

MIL always 'promote' how good is her older son, but never mention a single word about my DH. Told the relatives that SIL cooks for my BIL ( which i did also), then i boldly ask her: So never ask you go eat???(which i did too)
FYI, me and DH got married earlier then her older son, we have flat, car, 2 lovable kids, maid(on n off). My mum says we are definately more blissful then the older son.
They only recently got married, recently got the flat and recently got the car.. they are hoping for kids.
Told my MIL: I think your son got \"mixed up\" with the Ang Pao, first yr giving Ang Pao to my kids as \" Ah Peh\", giving $6 nia???
She quickly changed subject.
Her son is a very boastful creature.

Any of you experience such unfair treatment?
Enlighten me how to handle.
Overall I am ok with my MIL, just cant stand her unfair treatment.
Not angry with her but rather disappointed.

Close both eyes and don't sweat the small stuff. What is more important is the harmony within your own family. Just perform your due diligence as a DIL, the rest, don't bother too much and don't compare.

[Funz]

Andaiz:

Gasp, Funz...did you MIL and my MIL have a pre-CNY conference?


Mine comes up with loads of \"new pattern\" over the years. Last year, it was a switch from Lunch on First day with DH's side (grandaunt) to lunch on Second Day. Good thing he insisted (of course she'd :x :x ) that every year, Second day is \"reserved\" for my parents coz we hoi lin (kai nian in Chinese) and my mum has an open house.

We asked them out for CNY loh hei last year as we felt he needed to be fair (my family has the tradition that my sis and I would buy loh hei with my grandparents since we'd started working). So this year, SHE (MIL) insisted that my BIL and family be included; and if it were the cost, they would gladly pay

Now she's asking for another loh hei with the extended family next weekend...DH is away so we're siam-ing it. It seems she's keen to celebrate yuan siao! :frustrated: and we've never done it before!

I appreciate the effort but it's getting a bitta OVERDOSE liao!

Sigh!

They graduate from the same school for MILs. Haha. I used to get affected by their dramas and patterns and DH was soo afraid that I will go straight up to them and tell them both off. And all hell will break lose.

Nowadays, I am able to just observe and not get affected, can even mediate between DH and them, could be due to age, getting mellow liao. haha.

Best part was on the 3rd day of CNY, MIL called DH and told him next year, 2nd day of CNY they will have lunch at our place instead. That set DH off. He asked her if she is deliberately trying to make things difficult for him. And like a lot of their conversations, it ends with her slamming the phone on him and him huffing and puffing.

Told DH let it go. Next year a long time more. Don't have to fret over this now. DH said yah he knows and it is not about next year or what but the very idea that she can suggest this knowing that we are usually out during the 1st 3 days of CNY goes to show that she is trying to cause trouble. Then he told me haiyah dunno lah, you handle her lah. :!:

Told him 开玩笑, your parents you handle. You don't try to be funny with me.

[Chenonceau]

Funz:

Andaiz:

Gasp, Funz...did you MIL and my MIL have a pre-CNY conference?


Mine comes up with loads of \"new pattern\" over the years. Last year, it was a switch from Lunch on First day with DH's side (grandaunt) to lunch on Second Day. Good thing he insisted (of course she'd :x :x ) that every year, Second day is \"reserved\" for my parents coz we hoi lin (kai nian in Chinese) and my mum has an open house.

We asked them out for CNY loh hei last year as we felt he needed to be fair (my family has the tradition that my sis and I would buy loh hei with my grandparents since we'd started working). So this year, SHE (MIL) insisted that my BIL and family be included; and if it were the cost, they would gladly pay

Now she's asking for another loh hei with the extended family next weekend...DH is away so we're siam-ing it. It seems she's keen to celebrate yuan siao! :frustrated: and we've never done it before!

I appreciate the effort but it's getting a bitta OVERDOSE liao!

Sigh!

They graduate from the same school for MILs. Haha. I used to get affected by their dramas and patterns and DH was soo afraid that I will go straight up to them and tell them both off. And all hell will break lose.

Nowadays, I am able to just observe and not get affected, can even mediate between DH and them, could be due to age, getting mellow liao. haha.

Best part was on the 3rd day of CNY, MIL called DH and told him next year, 2nd day of CNY they will have lunch at our place instead. That set DH off. He asked her if she is deliberately trying to make things difficult for him. And like a lot of their conversations, it ends with her slamming the phone on him and him huffing and puffing.

Told DH let it go. Next year a long time more. Don't have to fret over this now. DH said yah he knows and it is not about next year or what but the very idea that she can suggest this knowing that we are usually out during the 1st 3 days of CNY goes to show that she is trying to cause trouble. Then he told me haiyah dunno lah, you handle her lah. :!:

Told him 开玩笑, your parents you handle. You don't try to be funny with me.

What I find effective is total silence. When there is drama and tears, we disappear. No b'days... no celebrations... no phone calls... no visits until the drama subsides. No matter who calls up to complain or advise (I will say I am busy) the dramatic one gets NO attention at all until the drama stop and tears stop.

This tactic works with Little Boy too. I let him cry until he stop then I am nice again.

It's a strategy that takes years to get results but after 20 years, I now have 2 sets of parents who know that WE (hubby and I) will decide when we will have lunch/dinner and with whom. I state my point (my when and with whom) and if they cry, I leave them to calm down and then I restate my point next year.... with no change. Cry again... ignore again. If cry in front of me, I leave. No need to stick around and talk more. I also don't cry. Nothing to get upset. Just make a calm and reasonable case for my decision if they wanna hear... if not, pack the children up, then go home. No need to argue 'cos there are some personalities who enjoy a good fight. So I refuse to engage.

One year, the tantrum lasted till the next CNY, and so I asked \"Shall we come home at all? Just let me know if we're welcome on that day and meal, 'cos if not, I'm making other arrangements.\"

If you give in even once, you enact Random Intermittent and Variable Reinforcement. This is the kind of reinforcement schedule that motivates gambling addictions and toddler tantrums in malls. Sometimes they get what they want, sometimes they don't. Result: they will try and try just in case. If you say something and stick to it, without giving in even once to tantrums, the tantrums will stop after some years.

Same thing I tell my son. It might be something I thought reasonable to give in on but because since there were tantrums and tears, I ain't giving in. But must be patient because it was about 12 years before my 2 sets of parents wised up... and now they discuss things nicely and considerately. Nobody cries.

[Andaiz]

Chenonceau:

If you give in even once, you enact Random Intermittent and Variable Reinforcement. This is the kind of reinforcement schedule that motivates gambling addictions and toddler tantrums in malls. Sometimes they get what they want, sometimes they don't. Result: they will try and try just in case. If you say something and stick to it, without giving in even once to tantrums, the tantrums will stop after some years.


Same thing I tell my son. It might be something I thought reasonable to give in on but because since there were tantrums and tears, I ain't giving in. But must be patient because it was about 12 years before my 2 sets of parents wised up... and now they discuss things nicely and considerately. Nobody cries.

:udawoman:

Why I never know you earlier in my marriage??!?! Where have you been, Chenonceau?

I think through my 9-10 years of marriage, I was trying to be Miss Nice guy coz I didn't want to offend IL's. Now kenna treated like doormat :stupid: coz they think they can hve my way and \"ill-treat\" my kids, but I've made it a point to tell them calmly on New Year's Eve last year. This year and beyond, it's speak calmly and on my terms. :celebrate:

[Chenonceau]

Andaiz:

Chenonceau:

If you give in even once, you enact Random Intermittent and Variable Reinforcement. This is the kind of reinforcement schedule that motivates gambling addictions and toddler tantrums in malls. Sometimes they get what they want, sometimes they don't. Result: they will try and try just in case. If you say something and stick to it, without giving in even once to tantrums, the tantrums will stop after some years.


Same thing I tell my son. It might be something I thought reasonable to give in on but because since there were tantrums and tears, I ain't giving in. But must be patient because it was about 12 years before my 2 sets of parents wised up... and now they discuss things nicely and considerately. Nobody cries.

:udawoman:

Why I never know you earlier in my marriage??!?! Where have you been, Chenonceau?

I think through my 9-10 years of marriage, I was trying to be Miss Nice guy coz I didn't want to offend IL's. Now kenna treated like doormat :stupid: coz they think they can hve my way and \"ill-treat\" my kids, but I've made it a point to tell them calmly on New Year's Eve last year. This year and beyond, it's speak calmly and on my terms. :celebrate:

Oh yes... oh yes... must always speak nicely and politely. After all, if you are trying to teach them manners, you must yourself have them. Haha!! Hard truths couched in gentle words command respect. Of course, before I lay down the law, I really think through whether or not it hurts or inconveniences others unnecessarily... I don't wanna be the very inconsiderate one, but I can live with being a little bit inconsiderate so that others know they need to consider me.

[janet88]

I find that MILs are good in throwing tantrums and crying…sure win, hands down.

[DesertWind]

janet_lee88:

I find that MILs are good in throwing tantrums and crying...sure win, hands down.

Yes, and what Cheneceau says is true, best to :siam: when they throw tantrums. In the first year of our marriage, I used to see black faces every weekend we visit and I will be :? . Couple of times FIL got to enlighten me what was eating MIL since I was quite a blur sotong too. For eg. FIL hinted at me that my \"Ba Chang\" gift that weekend was \"late\" because the Dragon Boat Festival was during a mid-week day and I was so busy working I forgot about it. Furthermore, that year my mother did not make any ba chang so there was no reminder for me too. Only when I remembered, quickly buy and give at the very next weekend - kerna black face.

Wah lau for goodness sake they are NOT even CHINESE! Why my MIL can remember \"Tuan Wu Jia\" leh? Because she told me angrily that last time her Chinese neighbour ALWAYS gave her Ba Chang during mid-June hence she knows very well when is \"Tuan Wu Jia\". So for this blur sotong of a DIL (moi) who only knows how to eat if mother made Ba Chang and could not be bothered likewise, she thought I was being totally disrespectful to her.

She also told me angrily \"Last year you gave what, why not this year?\" :x I told her \"Sorry mah but my mother did not make any this year so I forgot but I bought from outside which may not be as nice.\".

My FIL was laughing at this whole episode. He told my MIL \" You want to eat, go and buy yourself!\"

BTW, now what is my MIL attitude when I buy Ba Chang for her? She has quite a couple of years to think about it and probably decided to change her attitude. Now when I give her Ba Chang, she \"turned up her nose\" just say \"Hmm...just leave it there\".

Sian, always got to see face. :stupid: