At what age yr child should start dating?

[Happy Mama]

MMM:

Also, my mum had a good tactic, always encourage kids to bring their friends home (girls and boys). including boyfriends. Be open, at least if that is the bf and they bring him home, u can see what kind of guy he is,etc... This is better than having her doing it secretively behind your back. It's easier to moniter her that way.

Totally agree with you, MMM. This was what my Mum did too. She invited my friends over for lunch or snacks. This way, she knows who I am mixing with, and she can also give me her feedback on that particular suitor etc.

[Chenonceau]

Happy Mama:

Chenonceau:

If there already is a relationship, then best to invite it out into the open. If you object, it'll dive deep underground where you cannot advise.


From Sec 2 I've been teasing DD about boys... so much so that when there were suitors (in JC1) I knew exactly whom and how many 'cos she would tell me. I contrived to have the more likely ones visit. Based on what I saw, I gave her my views.

I only objected very strongly to one, whom I thought very \"wu liao\" and didn't look like he could focus on his studies. I sniffed and told her \"This guy has a loser mentality.\" I know this is strong but hey... this is my daughter ok. This was before anything began. Before I knew it, she had herself chosen to distance him.

Then one of the others turned out very serious. The boy is excellent in his studies, comes from a humble home, is quiet and very thrifty in his habits. He is kind and very serious about her. I have nothing to say. Because 'A' levels is this year, I told her \"The last thing you wanna be is to become a girl who needs a smart man to make it in life. Your boyfriend is a good guy but you're not married yet. There is no reason to sacrifice your 'A' levels for love, and no reason to rush things. Boys marry girls they can respect, and if you flunk out at 'A' levels, he is likely to break up with you because he'll go abroad and you will be stuck here.\" So... DD decided that until 'A' levels are over, they will only date on one Saturday a month... and not push the relationship too far too fast\".

In that one Saturday, he spends half a day with us. He knows we like him and he is also made aware that our daughter is precious and we want her to be well-treated.

My point is that many parents object to teenage love, and then the moment their kids graduate, they expect a boyfriend to appear. Relationships need time too. So, my approach was to bring that aspect of life out into the open so that I could advise. If they can find a good one early, then keep that one because a good spouse is hard to find without parental guidance.

By counselling restraint in her current relationship, I am ensuring the growth of a stable and healthy relationship that would not easily suffer break-up. By counselling against the earlier suitor, I nipped an unhealthy relationship in the bud before it could get anywhere.

If you object, you deny yourself the opportunity to help your daughter make a wise choice in life partner. If you don't know the boy, you don't have the facts to present to her about the desirability or not of the person as a suitor. If you do know the boy and like him, you can help to maintain the relationship. if you do know the boy and DON'T like him then you can have the facts with which to drive wedges between them. If you don't know the boy, you can't do anything at all.

I bring it all out into the open... and tackle issues of sex etc... head-on. I ask point-blank \"Any kissy kissy going on?\" I dunno if they lie when they answer but I am not afraid to talk about these issues and their implications... and to joke about garden shears and castration. After all, these days, the teenagers know a lot already.

It's seems easy for me to share now... but in the past 12 months, I have had periods of nailbiting uncertainty especially when last year my Straight \"A\" DD brought home no A at all. I have thrown 2 hissy fits and complained that my life has been wasted since she looks about to throw a bright future away on a boy who has never done anything for her (whilst I have sacrificed ALL)... OK.. OK... Drama! But hey, this is my daughter ok!

Then after that, I explained to both that we all acknowledge the relationship and so it is a legitimate one. And like every legitimate relationship, there are responsibilities, one of which is to have her boyfriend build a relationship with DD's family, meaning us all. And so far, the boyfriend seems to fit in with us quite well... and DD is aware that if she doesn't wanna lose him, then she should slow it down. Meanwhile, if all goes well... I think I got myself a prize son-in-law. The challenge is to keep him.

I told DD, you don't need many suitors and forget about having lotsa boyfriends and then choosing. You only need ONE really good one, like your Daddy. When you're a teen, you dunno how to make good choices in life partner. I was lucky, I ended up with a good one. Many of my friends didn't. We all married for love. As a parent, I wanna be there to advise and I want DD to be able to trust and confide in me SO THAT I can advise. For this to happen, I had to bite my tongue and shut up more times than I can count.... wait for enough evidence... wait for enough facts.

:goodpost: Chenonceau...

This sounds so familiar and your style is very much similar to my Mum's style too... You seem to be writing my Mum's thoughts many years back. She too was worried about me, worried because my results used to be excellent and got slightly affected after knowing DH (my then BF), she too did the screening of male suitors and gave me her feedback and opinion on the various suitors, weekends having BF spending time with my family, setting curfews etc etc.. Haha..

BUT I totally agree with this and will also advocate the same when it comes to my DD. I have seen for myself and on myself, how this model works. :celebrate:

I do very much hope she will one day call herself a HappyMama like you too!! And be someone full of joy and positive spirit.

Meanwhile, I hold my pair of garden shears at the ready and even after marriage, they can be used if her husband is not nice to her. Grrrrrrrrrrr!

[Happy Mama]

MMM:

Also, my mum had a good tactic, always encourage kids to bring their friends home (girls and boys). including boyfriends. Be open, at least if that is the bf and they bring him home, u can see what kind of guy he is,etc... This is better than having her doing it secretively behind your back. It's easier to moniter her that way.

Totally agree with you, MMM. This was what my Mum did too. She invited my friends over for lunch or snacks. This way, she knows who I am mixing with, and she can also give me her feedback on that particular suitor etc.

[Happy Mama]

MMM:

Also, my mum had a good tactic, always encourage kids to bring their friends home (girls and boys). including boyfriends. Be open, at least if that is the bf and they bring him home, u can see what kind of guy he is,etc... This is better than having her doing it secretively behind your back. It's easier to moniter her that way.

Totally agree with you, MMM. This was what my Mum did too. She invited my friends over for lunch or snacks. This way, she knows who I am mixing with, and she can also give me her feedback on that particular suitor etc.

[Happy Mama]

MMM:

Also, my mum had a good tactic, always encourage kids to bring their friends home (girls and boys). including boyfriends. Be open, at least if that is the bf and they bring him home, u can see what kind of guy he is,etc... This is better than having her doing it secretively behind your back. It's easier to moniter her that way.

Totally agree with you, MMM. This was what my Mum did too. She invited my friends over for lunch or snacks. This way, she knows who I am mixing with, and she can also give me her feedback on that particular suitor etc.

[Happy Mama]

Chenonceau:

I do very much hope she will one day call herself a HappyMama like you too!! And be someone full of joy and positive spirit.

Thank you, Chenonceau!

[Happy Mama]

Happy Mama:

MMM:

Also, my mum had a good tactic, always encourage kids to bring their friends home (girls and boys). including boyfriends. Be open, at least if that is the bf and they bring him home, u can see what kind of guy he is,etc... This is better than having her doing it secretively behind your back. It's easier to moniter her that way.

Totally agree with you, MMM. This was what my Mum did too. She invited my friends over for lunch or snacks. This way, she knows who I am mixing with, and she can also give me her feedback on that particular suitor etc.

Dear MODS, :itwasntme: and I wasn't spamming... but there's something wrong with the server as my post to MMM got posted many times. Can you please delete the extras.

Thanks.

[pixiedust]

Great post Chenonceau. Thanks for sharing.


Anyone has suggestions for moms of BOYS ? It seems odd to invite the GIRLS home for me to ‘screen’ :!: What’s the best way for moms of BOYS to watch the BGR issue ? I am okay with casual dating, but no heavy hanky-panky and definitely not if studies are affected.

[Chenonceau]

pixiedust:

Great post Chenonceau. Thanks for sharing.


Anyone has suggestions for moms of BOYS ? It seems odd to invite the GIRLS home for me to 'screen' :!: What's the best way for moms of BOYS to watch the BGR issue ? I am okay with casual dating, but no heavy hanky-panky and definitely not if studies are affected.

I would object to having DD go over to bf's house because you know... hanky panky and all... and I dun want the bf's mother to start disrespecting her. But I think I would be fine if they invited her along to dinner outside, or cycling or picnic or plays etc... And slowly build from there.

I will prolly do that with DS' gf in a few years time.

[alng]

Chenonceau, great post! I hope I have your wisdom when I reach your stage. My dd is only 11 years old this year and being in a girls' school helps at this moment.

Chenonceau:

If there already is a relationship, then best to invite it out into the open. If you object, it'll dive deep underground where you cannot advise.

From Sec 2 I've been teasing DD about boys... so much so that when there were suitors (in JC1) I knew exactly whom and how many 'cos she would tell me. I contrived to have the more likely ones visit. Based on what I saw, I gave her my views.

I only objected very strongly to one, whom I thought very \"wu liao\" and didn't look like he could focus on his studies. I sniffed and told her \"This guy has a loser mentality.\" I know this is strong but hey... this is my daughter ok. This was before anything began. Before I knew it, she had herself chosen to distance him.

Then one of the others turned out very serious. The boy is excellent in his studies, comes from a humble home, is quiet and very thrifty in his habits. He is kind and very serious about her. I have nothing to say. Because 'A' levels is this year, I told her \"The last thing you wanna be is to become a girl who needs a smart man to make it in life. Your boyfriend is a good guy but you're not married yet. There is no reason to sacrifice your 'A' levels for love, and no reason to rush things. Boys marry girls they can respect, and if you flunk out at 'A' levels, he is likely to break up with you because he'll go abroad and you will be stuck here.\" So... DD decided that until 'A' levels are over, they will only date on one Saturday a month... and not push the relationship too far too fast\".

In that one Saturday, he spends half a day with us. He knows we like him and he is also made aware that our daughter is precious and we want her to be well-treated.

My point is that many parents object to teenage love, and then the moment their kids graduate, they expect a boyfriend to appear. Relationships need time too. So, my approach was to bring that aspect of life out into the open so that I could advise. If they can find a good one early, then keep that one because a good spouse is hard to find without parental guidance.

By counselling restraint in her current relationship, I am ensuring the growth of a stable and healthy relationship that would not easily suffer break-up. By counselling against the earlier suitor, I nipped an unhealthy relationship in the bud before it could get anywhere.

If you object, you deny yourself the opportunity to help your daughter make a wise choice in life partner. If you don't know the boy, you don't have the facts to present to her about the desirability or not of the person as a suitor. If you do know the boy and like him, you can help to maintain the relationship. if you do know the boy and DON'T like him then you can have the facts with which to drive wedges between them. If you don't know the boy, you can't do anything at all.

I bring it all out into the open... and tackle issues of sex etc... head-on. I ask point-blank \"Any kissy kissy going on?\" I dunno if they lie when they answer but I am not afraid to talk about these issues and their implications... and to joke about garden shears and castration. After all, these days, the teenagers know a lot already.

It's seems easy for me to share now... but in the past 12 months, I have had periods of nailbiting uncertainty especially when last year my Straight \"A\" DD brought home no A at all. I have thrown 2 hissy fits and complained that my life has been wasted since she looks about to throw a bright future away on a boy who has never done anything for her (whilst I have sacrificed ALL)... OK.. OK... Drama! But hey, this is my daughter ok!

Then after that, I explained to both that we all acknowledge the relationship and so it is a legitimate one. And like every legitimate relationship, there are responsibilities, one of which is to have her boyfriend build a relationship with DD's family, meaning us all. And so far, the boyfriend seems to fit in with us quite well... and DD is aware that if she doesn't wanna lose him, then she should slow it down. Meanwhile, if all goes well... I think I got myself a prize son-in-law. The challenge is to keep him.

I told DD, you don't need many suitors and forget about having lotsa boyfriends and then choosing. You only need ONE really good one, like your Daddy. When you're a teen, you dunno how to make good choices in life partner. I was lucky, I ended up with a good one. Many of my friends didn't. We all married for love. As a parent, I wanna be there to advise and I want DD to be able to trust and confide in me SO THAT I can advise. For this to happen, I had to bite my tongue and shut up more times than I can count.... wait for enough evidence... wait for enough facts.