Teaching DS (Lack Of Confidence and others)

[Breadandmuffins]

Hi everyone


Have been very troubled lately over DS’s learning attitude… He is in P3 this yr. He has always been a pessimistic child…i.e he tends to thinks of the worse case in everything that he sees/does. This is also evident in his attitude towards learning something new e.g a new topic such as division, a new stroke when he learning tennis, a new piece of song when learning piano etc. Whenever he learns something new and encounter difficulties, he will refuse to do the work, gives up straightaway, any-o-how do that piece of work, throw tantrums, argue with me etc. A lot of time is wasted on arguing, throwing tantrums, crying because he just does not want to try at all because he thinks he can’t do it. So I will sit down and go thru the steps with him but he is not able to absorb as his mind is already "blocked" mentally as he lacks the confidence to try. And sometimes, before I knew it, I had already helped him "finished" his homework…If I will to leave him to do it himself, he will just stare at the work for all the time I am away and wait for me to be back. So for a two page maths homework, it could take 2 hrs …It has been like that since P1 & it got worse this yr as he is learning things that are more difficult.

Any ideas what I should do? I have tried encouraging him by reminding him of what he has achieved in his last 3 yrs, how he manage to learn something even though he started off finding it difficult etc, how well he did for his work/tennis/piano etc. I guess it didn’t help that I am rather impatient with his learning attitude and lack of confidence…

One day, after a very bad session with him, he actually wrote on some papers lying around the house …" I have no brain"…I was so sad & shocked and really at a loss what to do.

[Breadandmuffins]

[quote]Ask him whether he really likes his tennis and piano, ask him how he wants his schoolwork to be coached (coached by you, tutor, or can be on own), and ask him any other activities that he wishes to join (even an activity that you may be frowned upon). Ask him what he wants, make him feel respected, let him have a feel that he does have some power to decide a life for himself (of course is under guidance[/quote]
Thank you insider for you helpful response. If I may seek your advice further, on a day to day basis during this difficuult period , should I continue to guide him in his work cos I did ask him whether he prefers a tutor and his answer is always \"I don't know\". In addition, the tension is already there each time I started helping him.

Could u also clarify what \"sacrificed his P3 means\" in terms of how I should respond when he needs help with school work?
[quote]PS: Do some self reflections: \"How long would it take me to learn to be more patient? How difficult it is?\" Once you have the answer, it will be about the same answer your child has about learning to be more confident. It's not easy...

Yes, this is indeed so difficult...& I always suspected I have some sort of a depression as I have 2 kid every 2 yrs (after my eldest DS was born). Also always finding excuses for myself as well...and breakdown easily after the 4th child.... Could you clarify the last stm in terms of the \"answer \" that I am looking for?

Thank you so much for your help.

[Breadandmuffins]

Thanks for your sharing. Your answers speak right to me and even though I give little details abt myself or my son, what u said is so true. I am so glad that you have shared so much and must have taken up some of your time…I have tried reading some books but I do not understand how it all fall in, that’s why I decided to turn to the forum.


You must have come across many similar cases in your work to be able to know so well how I or my son feel. DH and I really want to help him so that he will bring himself to greater heights in whatever he is doing. He is a smart and sweet boy and I really do not want him to be so unhappy each day.

Thanks for your advice once again.

PS: Is there anywhere/anybody I can formally seek such advice on children? Counsellors etc?

[Breadandmuffins]

THanks insider for the helpful advice. Could u share how u instil the good habits of study first play later? eg: how do we respond when the child refused to do any additional work at home but choose to play? Just say ok, I trust you know better whether you need the practice? But really, would they know at such young age? or start to tell them the importance of revision etc.


Pardon me if the above sound really common sense to some but I have also seen many other mums struggling like me and at a loss of how to guide them and they seemed more pessimistic than me.

PS: I also do not believed in enrichment in the academic sense. DS has tennis cos we wanted to use this to spur his confidence. He is also quite fast in picking up piano but just refuse to practise. He also swims for leisure. Other than these "enrichment" he has chinese tuition cos he is in a mission school with little exposure to chinese. We have never pressurised him to do well but he has high expectation of himself (or maybe I have indirectly set such expectation thru my words/action)…his kindy teachers said he is a "perfectionist" so he gets frustrated when he cannot handle a task. My frustration lies in the attitude of not willing to try once he gets frustrated with himself.

[teh_oh]

I would love to outsource all the subjects that I find myself vomiting over silly mistakes.

I would love to put lesser emphasis on PSLE if I have the financial capabilities to boot my child off overseas to study for their degree.
For now, I have to continue to balance screaming with due praising until I can kill of the remains of his attitude problem (which thank goodness is not alot!).

[cherrygal]

Hi Insider,

What you have said above is very enlightening and you are really lucky to have a long fuse. But sadly, not everyone can be as calm as you by nature. To change a person’s temperament is not simple. Sometimes, it can never be changed. We can only seek to improve the situation but you are a tough act to follow.

Hi Breadandmuffins,
I only have 2 kids and yet I too suffer from motherhood burnout. I hesitate to call it depression but yes, it is burnout from having to do everything - work, cook, clean, parenting, monitoring schoolwork, lack of sleep etc.

I have a very short fuse but I try to control my burnouts by taking time off once a week to just do whatever I like, all alone. I am lucky to have my parents helping me out on that. Taking care of my baby is stress-free but just 10mins with my 7yo can raise my blood pressure.

To prevent myself from getting a stroke, I have changed my tactics for my 7yo. If he refuses to do what I say, I just switch to my bochup attitude and leave him alone. So far, he will actually do what I want when I say "never mind, don’t do it then."

I have quit my job to become a SAHM, put DS in a student care with tuition provided, and now waiting to put baby in a childcare. I signed up for gym classes as well to get back in shape coz my flabby figure is also one of the major factors attributing to my burnout symptoms. I am also reading many parenting books. Hopefully, these actions will help to create a "better mom".

[Breadandmuffins]

Hi Cherrygal, thks for yr reply. Hve sent u a PM too.

[cherrygal]

insider:

Parents please. If you have to scold your child while teaching / coaching him in his schoolwork, then it's high time to wash your hands off and let someone takes over it.

Totally agree with this statement. I feel less stressed up over DS' work after getting him a student care centre that provides tuition. They ensure he does his homework daily and also make him study for his tests. When he returns home, it's just to eat, play and sleep. I have one less person to worry about.

The thing with kids is, when a teacher tells him to do the work, they do it without complaining. When the mom tells him to do the same piece of work, he groans, acts dumb and tries to become dependent.