Appalled

[csc]

[quote]flametree, maybe its time to stand firm. 'No' is a powerful word, but only if you back up with actions. When my DS1 was 2 years old, he refused to get into his car seat and would wail. We would sit in the shopping mall carpark for up to 40 minutes enduring the stares of passers-by and racking up parking charges, until he gave up and surrendered to the seat. When it comes down to a contest of wills, parents sometimes need to show that they are willing to go the distance.[/quote]
I agree with this. And I also believe that the earlier the parents stem their authority in areas that are termed \"non-negotiables\", the easier parenting will be in later years to come.

The problem with some parents is that they are too lax or slack in the children's earlier years and then, they do the opposite thing of tightening their control in the teenage years. It is no wonder, that the teenage kids rebel . You think, they can be tied down after the earlier years of so-called 'freedom\"?

[flametree]

hi insider, thanks for prompt reply. . can give me some examples of indirect influencing? coz like what u said - my advice which she doesn’t want to hear, falls on deaf ears most of the time!!! She’ll agree with me for the moment but back to her "normal" self within hours!!!


and like you, i am more the conservative type too, i’ve been telling her one of our advantage as a female is that we can use the soft approach to deal with situations and not always "head on""- this can b seen especially so during her interactions with my DH who adopted the hard approach like 3boys mentioned in the earlier post.

sorry for trouble coz my elder teenage son does not pose these challenges to me, so i absolutely has no clues how to best deal with her!
thanks a million!

[Miracle Child]

ks2me:

Thanks for sharing. It is an interesting read.


Btw, DH=darling husband, so I believe you mean DD=Darling daughter.

Actually I like your SIL's brother's reply to the principal. So clear and succint! But do you know what is the principal's reply or reaction to that?

My read of the principal is that trying too hard to appease and assure the parents without understanding human emotions(EQ issue) plus the emphasis in that school is certainly academic with a real lack in character development. (KPI issue)

Must be too early in the morning and feeling angry when I typed this...actually put DH when I meant DD :oops:

[flametree]

hi insider,

got a feeling that we are side tracking a bit and maybe should discuss this in the sec school section.

anyway, an example will be what happened yesterday:

we have a house rule that who ever is in the car first get to choose any seats they want ( after yesterday, realised that it doesn’t work). so my girl got into the car first and naturally she chose to sit in front so that she gets full blast air con. my 4th kid (a 6 yr old boy) after training, fought for the front seat too - crying and pulling the door handle at the same time. this goes on for 5 minutes - while i try to reason with the youngest, my daughter simply will not give in. All this while i have a friend who is in the car with me!

finally my son gave in and sat behind after i bribed him with extra computer time - which my girl protested while in the car, coz she needs to rush project work upon reaching home .

when i reached home, both got scolding from me coz youngest boy broke rules and yet i’m ashamed that i got to bribe him - told him this will def be the last and only time! and as for my girl, i told her i was very diappointed with her in that she din assess the whole situation but just heck care, as long as she feels she’s right… it must be her way.

any advice?

[Funz]

ehh.. dun say RGS until like that lah.


My views, it is not only RGS that churn out students like that but most top schools have their fair share of such kids. One of the reason they are tops is most likely a combination of factors like the kid's own character plus how the family nurtured them and the values that are inculcated in them.

I have a relative whose DD went to a neighbourhood PR school but made it into a top Sec school (not RGS) and did well enuf to be able to choose any JC that she wants. But I find her really lacking in jia(1) jiao(4). We had a gathering and catered some food so naturally for buffet, we are using diposables. She made comments like we are so inconsiderate and killing the planet and insisted that she will not eat unless we provide her with normal plates, etc. I told her choice is yours but her mum went to ask my mum who provided her with the plate and since you want to use non disposables, then you wash up but no, she just dumped them in the sink after eating.

I have had quite a few RGS girls coming to my company for their school holiday attachment and I find that most of them are pretty down to earth. But I have to say that they appear very sure of themselves when I ask them what or how they see themselves in the next 5-10yrs. Whether or not it is what their parents have drilled into them, I dun know. But I get the sense that they are very driven and they are passionate about certain things and will play an active role in furthering their cause be it environment, women's/children's rites, etc.

When I was their age I was still living by the day, what environment and children's rites, my rites come first. :lol:

[3Boys]

flametree:

hi insider,

finally my son gave in and sat behind after i bribed him with extra computer time - which my girl protested while in the car, coz she needs to rush project work upon reaching home .

when i reached home, both got scolding from me coz youngest boy broke rules and yet i'm ashamed that i got to bribe him - told him this will def be the last and only time! and as for my girl, i told her i was very diappointed with her in that she din assess the whole situation but just heck care, as long as she feels she's right... it must be her way.

any advice?

I would have asked both of them to get out of the car and walk home......but that's my unsubtle, heads on approach to this, not necessarily recommended for other parents/children. But seriously, for a da4 jie3 8 years senior to fight over car seating is really infantile. You can show her this post if you like, this 'uncle' here thinks its just juvenile.

[Funz]

flametree:

hi insider,

got a feeling that we are side tracking a bit and maybe should discuss this in the sec school section.

anyway, an example will be what happened yesterday:

we have a house rule that who ever is in the car first get to choose any seats they want ( after yesterday, realised that it doesn't work). so my girl got into the car first and naturally she chose to sit in front so that she gets full blast air con. my 4th kid (a 6 yr old boy) after training, fought for the front seat too - crying and pulling the door handle at the same time. this goes on for 5 minutes - while i try to reason with the youngest, my daughter simply will not give in. All this while i have a friend who is in the car with me!

finally my son gave in and sat behind after i bribed him with extra computer time - which my girl protested while in the car, coz she needs to rush project work upon reaching home .

when i reached home, both got scolding from me coz youngest boy broke rules and yet i'm ashamed that i got to bribe him - told him this will def be the last and only time! and as for my girl, i told her i was very diappointed with her in that she din assess the whole situation but just heck care, as long as she feels she's right... it must be her way.

any advice?

I have had similar incidents b4 but for me, I did not have any rules about who can sit in front but they take turns and if they cannot come to an agreement, we will not move off or neither will sit in front.

In your situation, I would will have to stand by the house rule since it is a known rule and DS should not be making a fuss. And if he continues fussing, then it is removal of privileges. As for DD, I will privately let her know that I am disappointed in her behaviour. Yes, base on house rules, she is right but it would have been more gracious of her if she had given in or made the gesture to let DS have the front seat.

[flametree]

Thanks for all the replies and will seriously look into my parenting skills!


When they were younger, parenting was so much easier! I could also use "stare power" and they would stop whatever that I don’t approve. But as they grows older, I’m always caught in between - whether to be a "friend" or be to be as strict with them like when younger!

BTW, I think i’ve long lost the "stare power".

Anyway, thanks for all the valuable sharing and a special big thank you to CKS coz if not for this site, i would not able to gather all these feedbacks!

[Miracle Child]

Hi insider,


The child is 9 years old, P3. I think the dad was upset becos’ the principal did not show any interest in finding out more about who the bullies are, how the issue can be managed, etc. He said that the principal was very indifferent about the matter…I think that scared him that the educator did not really cared about the child.

[flametree]

Hi insider,


Just an update, i've used the tips you have given me on how to talk to my daughter about the incident. She seems very receptive and understood how i felt then. However, she still felt that with younger siblings doesn't mean she has to give in to his demands all the time too. Probably i will need to \"drill\" this virture into her more.

Thanks a lot again. I've learnt loads from you.