Extra Marital Affair

[tracytmks]

how cld u forgive ur spouse for straying so easily. till now i still cannot forgive n forget, staying under the same roof somemore. wanted to \"d\" but thoughts of the kids. lately his attitude also change last time when he is not working, he will sit infront of tv watch show. lately sudden change play with the kids n. last time will just sit there see tv eyes glue tightly to it. so far i had no concrete proof what his r/s with tt gal. what made me puzzle is he keep on saying no ppl doing OT. where got ppl work more than 24hrs and is almost everyday. currently he is working shift work. got more to come suddenly bring hm so many clothes which i had nvr see him wear before. all this really made me more suspicious. talk to him awhile, his moid swing say u dont trust him. he said he want freedom, i never thinks of others made him no friend, no relatives. he eant to go co D&D, friends wedding etc i let him go as long as he is in spore i m ok. he secretly go made new passport, go jb with tt gal somemore. although i had no proof but when call his hp is off, call off they said he left already. didnt come home til next morning abt 9am tell me got to finish work then come hm i know all this r lies but cannot confront him. he did not even pay a single cents for the kids fees, insur, milk powder, diapers, etc. when press him keepon telling me give him one more yr. yrs n yrs had past still no progress. got money spend on EMA no money for the kids. :frustrated:

[tracytmks]

will a personadmit he is having EMA if family members asked him? the mum n sis ask him he keep denying no, just said not enough manpower need to do OT. will not admit until it is caught or have concrete proof izit true?

[ilovehermes]

My husband cheated on me for 10 months with another married co-worker. When he wanted to divorce me, he was extremely mean and hurtful to me. However when he broke off with her, it was done with considerations to her feelings. Although he is back with me now, I cannot help but feel jealous why he could be so mean to me but not her. What should I do? I hate myself for feeling this way as I want to move on.

[peapot]

Why do u hate yourself? You did nothing wrong and your feelings are normal. We are all human. We can’t shut off our feelings with a switch. Since he is back, you must forgiven him. It will take time to heal. Slowly but surely.

[ilovehermes]

Yes I forgive him for straying. However I cannot get over the fact that she is more important because till now, he does not show that I matter more than her. When I point out he still has some links and items related to her, he gets angry and frustrated and start accusing me of not being able to move on. Am I wrong to want him to remove things and links related to her? He asked what I meant by forgiving him and if this is what is expected of him, he has to evaluate whether he wants to continuing working on the relationship. Does forgiving him means forgetting things ever happened and life continues?

[adanial]

Hi ilovehermes,


its good that he is back to you now. he may have some precious moments that he wants to cherish, thus the items remains. take this chance to built on the relationship back to where it all first started… during courtship/relationship era. see the good side of him and acknowledge each other feelings and emotion. once you have built the strong relationship, he may forgotten about his past EMA and see more value in the marraige. I must say being intimate is very important… in a marriage.

[ilovehermes]

Recognise the need to rebuild the relationship. However I feel the effort has to be from both parties and not just one. If one party keeps items related to the other woman, how will the spouse be able to believe that he is willing to start afresh? As the spouse who was being cheated on, I do not know whether he left the EMA willingly or it is the case where he does not have anywhere to go and just come back to camp until another comes along…I will try not to be bothered about these matters. However its really so hard, so hard to forget and its worse that I have to be constantly reminded about the EMA via the items he kept that is related to the other woman. I really do not know how to do this. It seems that the wives have it harder. We have to be super understanding towards the man and if not, he will look elsewhere and that’s perfectly justifiable. When we ask for understanding, we are deemed unreasonable (hence not understanding towards the man) and again that is reason for him to look elsewhere.

[flyfree]

insider:

I entered my marriage in my best feelings about LOVE that I am going to marry the man whom I am going to be with for the rest of my life. However, somehow still managed to keep my two eyes wide open.


I married at around aged 26. After marriage, I still keep my job though my husband can fully support me comfortably (used to be chauffeured around in a Jaguar / Merz / etc). Somehow, I am concerned about maybe he may suddenly pass away one day (he is 10 years older than me) or somehow maybe he would engage with extra marital affair one day, I asked for monthly allowance of about 70% of his salary per month to ‘maintain the house’. I reviewed his insurance policies to make sure that I will be well provided in the event that if anything goes wrong. All the insurance policies that were subsequently purchased are all with me as the owner of the policy and he as the life insured (meaning I am the one who owns the policy and not him and he can’t do any hanky panky thing in whatsoever manner).

Then the children arrived one after another but I still continue to work and asked for ‘allowance’ to be increased. Basically I know how much he can draw from his company per month and I increased my monthly ‘drawings’ from him to about 80% of his salary (most of his expenses can be reimbursed from his company and 20% of his salary is enough for him to buy his own monthly stuff). He gives all these to me ‘willingly’ (inverted commas coz I assume it is ‘willingly’ and can’t be 100% sure that it is really so). But basically I manage the $$$ of the house and he seems like gladly allow me to do so.

I have a group of very close girlfriends. 6 of us grew up together since secondary 1. We share many things, including of clothing, shoes, books, etc. We have known each other for more than 30 years since then till now.

During one of my girlfriends’ wedding, my girlfriend X was drunk. I got my husband to send her home. During that trip, something happened in the car along Changi Road.

X confessed to my other girlfriends the next morning. They got me out for a talk. I was totally caught off guard when X told me what happened in the car between herself and my husband. Somehow, I was still managed to maintain my cool without a breaking down in front of them. I told them I needed time to think about the whole incidence. (now to think back, my ability to maintain my cool maybe due to the reason that I know I will survive well even if I have to go through a divorce with all those financial arrangements that I have made for the past so many years and so financial woes are not in the picture and so more ‘secured’ in a way).

I started to ‘plan’ my actions before calling him back for a confrontation. I have this ability to be 'calm' at times of 'disasters' (this is one of my greatest assets).

I got him to explain what happened the night before. He told me he was not sure how he would end up having a sexual relationship with my best friend in a car, added that alcohol must have affected his judgment (btw, X is a very sexy and pretty lady). He said he wanted to confess to me but worried about the consequences. I told him I wanted a separation for the time being to sort out my thoughts. I shifted out with my two young kids to a rented place and stayed there for about six months. While in the meantime, I didn’t contact X though still in touch with my other girlfriends who told me that X was really remorseful though they could understand it was difficult to forgive such an act.

I continued to work and functioned as normal as I could with the help of a very good maid whom one of my girlfriends ‘loaned’ her to me. I know my husband and X very well and both are not that sort who will purposely do things to hurt me. So what made that incidence happened was really a puzzle to me. Basically both love and care about me.

Someone entered my life during these six months. Probably I purposely let my heart opened and I met this chap who is 5 years younger than me. I was being wooed like a young girl one more time and I had to admit that re-living my youth was good. I was attracted to him and he knew that I was married with two kids then and under separation condition with my husband. That kind of he didn’t mind words, etc, were told to me and he even brought me to meet his parents. My head did swell but my feet were still firmly on the ground. Somehow, something was not right somewhere and I told myself to WAKE UP! Then, I parted with him nicely to say that my husband and my kids are still my first priority as a mistake like that was not serious enough to sentence him to death and I should not ‘punish’ him in such a way by also going astray.

That short infatuation gave me an important lesson. That people sometimes can lose their big picture if they can’t hold on that image deep in their mind. I almost did the wrong thing too and so I got to accept mu husband and X and decided that I would not want to pursue the matter any further (actually I was very bothered by the question of who ‘seduced’ who in the car FIRST during that time?).

My husband actually knew that I was seeing someone else during those months and I guessed he was terrified instead of angry. We had a good talk one day and I made him signed an agreement that in the event of divorce due to whatsoever reasons, he will not contest with me about the custody of the children as well as an irrevocable agreement that all his fixed assets will belong to me. He signed and we moved on forward.

The incidence was many years back. It does have a kind of shadow in me but it’s not such a bad one. I reconciled with X too and today we are still the best of friends. My husband and X still will meet now and then during festivals and occasions but I doubt anything will happen between them again as both should have learnt their lessons.

Overall, I feel as humans, we make mistakes. Whether the heart of a husband still belongs to a family or not, a wife should know better. I have never doubted that my husband doesn’t love me anymore (he doted on me like a princess during those days) and that my best friend X will purposely betray me. The separation of about 6 months was a punishment for both of them while in the meantime trying to find my position and standing. As long as a wife knows that a husband’s heart still belongs to the family, a fling or two maybe acceptable (though still hurtful but these flings really don’t deserve a divorce). But if a husband’s heart is no longer in the family, then to me is always no point to carry on…

Given an incidence like this, I can choose to lose both my husband and my best friend or choose to have them both. Having them both still makes me a much happier person…

Hv u ever regret that u hv made the decision to divorce?is it the 'best ' option?

[jtoh]

flyfree:

Hv u ever regret that u hv made the decision to divorce?is it the 'best ' option?

Flyfree, insider did NOT divorce if I read her post correctly.

[buds]

Yup. jtoh is right. Only cooling off period (separation) to settle her thoughts and after which she went back to her marriage with some conditions and still living happily ever after. Divorce is never a best option unless under dire circumstances. It’s an alternative option… hopefully which one only resorts after exhausting all other avenues to salvage the marriage.