Elderly woman mistreated at nursing home

[SAHM_TAN]

家家有本难念的经

[KiasuAdult]

cwc:

Hi LOLMum,

saw a couple of your responses......seems to pin most of these faults to DILs. sometimes, you gotta look at the whole situation. first of all, the sons/children must do their part to take care of their own parents....not dump the responsibilities to the DIL. that's downright not fair :mad:

just look at my situation, I am THE ONLY dil who agreed to let PILs over, but look what happens, it becomes my job, my responsibility. Fortunately, DH helps so I am willing to bear.....but it is increasingly straining my family, i'm reaching my threshold. financial help is NOT enough, I need my life too, DH needs his rest too....what are the rest doing to help?? my home is actually a dumping ground/nursing home for the rest of the siblings!!!

besides having frailing FIL, I have a difficult MIL. Talk about beautiful peaceful morning, almost 70% of my mornings, I wake from MIL yelling at FIL or maid & end up in a bad mood myself. I was in pink of heath and suddenly, a few mths after PILs shifted in, I was diagnosed with High BP (at 36yo).

Despite having endured a few years with PILs, I am seriously considering nursing home cos' all my previous maids refused to continue due to MIL. (during that time, maid only has to face MIL in the daytime loh) Was maidless and turn SAHM for a few years, was happy loh.
Now with frail FIL, had to hire maid again but new maid is showing signs that she cannot take it if MIL goes on......the real person I should be sending off is my MIL cos' she is the cause of ALL troubles.....if she keep her mouth shut and not interfere, things are fine.....I love it when she's not at home. But my only choice is to send FIL and then, terminate maid cos' I'm drained, my relationship with DH is drained & now, drained with the BILs/SILs too.

Finally, despite being the ONLY dil accommodating all these & enduring it for years, when the time comes. all blames/displeasure/accusation is on ME. Fair? I think not :rant:
The ones who dun live together, the ones who just watch from afar are the GOOD ones. I only know, if I am ever to stay with my DIL when I'm old, I will keep my mouth shut and should not be expecting from her. MY OWN children should be doing their parts and not the DILs. I'm sure if my OWN children were to help out sufficiently such the the DILs do not reach the stage of being strained, things would not reach such a state.

加油！要撑下去！ :rahrah:

[LOLMum]

peapot:

no leh, my clock shows correct timing.


LOLMum, you are in London?? Having a nice time??

hi peapot,

yes, kids and i are here to spend time with dh. so far so good but looking forward to going home to a nice big bowl of laska.

[LOLMum]

cwc:

Hi LOLMum,

saw a couple of your responses......seems to pin most of these faults to DILs. sometimes, you gotta look at the whole situation.

MY OWN children should be doing their parts and not the DILs. I'm sure if my OWN children were to help out sufficiently such the the DILs do not reach the stage of being strained, things would not reach such a state.

hi cwc,

yes, i have read and responded to some of your posts in the various threads here. my posts on this topic is not aimed at anyone who have posted in relationships. rather this is my opinion after listening to and witnessing the happenings of my friends and relatives (this is more balanced view because i know my aunts, uncles, cousins and their spouses) over the past 20 years.

what i have learnt from the nurses in the nursing home where my mum stayed doesnt put the dil in a good light too.

we put our mum in a nursing home because we are unable to take care of her. but we make sure we visit her nearly every day to bath her, feed her, talk to her, massage her etc. there are other families who did likewise too and some even put a maid there to make sure that the patient is well taken care off. we all know it is impossible to reply on the nurses at nursing home to take care of patients especially when there is a shortage of staff.

it is downright outrageous to dump one own family member in a nursing home with no visits no phonecall and worst to stop paying the fees as well.

relationship between spouse and inlaws is never easy. either you cut it off completely or bear with a grin in a difficult relationship.

one advice my sil gave me before i got married was know more about him and his family (hard cos they live overseas) and to give dh 100% support if i do want to marry him regardless of his family situation (if any). if the responsibility of looking after his parents falls on him, i must be ready to pick up a bigger share of this responsibility. dont compare who is not helping, who is contributing less, who is a brat etc because it will make me more miserable and more anger directed towards everyone else.

maybe sil is a traditional woman but i know this advice helps her well in my family. i was pleasantly surprised last year to know that a few of my new friends who are the one and only taking care of their mils dishing out the same advice too. i have been following the advice since day 1 and it is helping though i live on-off with my inlaws.

i truly believe we must know what type of family we are marrying into and if our future partner is giving us the type of support we need. but things dont always go according to plan right? things happen and got dump into our laps like hot potatoes.

sad to say, i am still hearing some of my friends complaining about their inlaws, the constant fights between husband and wife (though most have mellowed over the years) over them etc. my friends (one or two lived with the guy and his family before marriage) knew 100% what type of man they were marrying and the kind of family situation they are expecting to handle. and despite their obvious loathing of their inlaws before marriage, they still went ahead, got married and start fighting over every issues, putting the man in a very difficult position.

i think i better stop now cos' this will go on and on...........

anyway, i am still waiting for sons to write something about their wives and inlaws.....................or inlaws about their sil and dil.............

happy weekend.

[BeContented]

LOLMum:

cwc:

Hi LOLMum,

saw a couple of your responses......seems to pin most of these faults to DILs. sometimes, you gotta look at the whole situation.

MY OWN children should be doing their parts and not the DILs. I'm sure if my OWN children were to help out sufficiently such the the DILs do not reach the stage of being strained, things would not reach such a state.

hi cwc,
what i have learnt from the nurses in the nursing home where my mum stayed doesnt put the dil in a good light too.

Hi LOLMum,
Why DIL again? I know you are not targeting anyone, but somehow, I sense the fault seems to always point back to the DIL. There are other children around so can't they do something? Traditionally, son & dil are supposed to take care of the parents, but I believe, if one is willing, gender does not matter.
Whichever parents get sent to nursing home......there must be a reason and ALL (including all the children) play a part in this final decision. DIL cannot be taking the whole responsibility.

Just curious, if after sending the in-laws to nursing home and the DIL also visit weekly and do those stuff, are they redeemed or still wrong to send the in-laws there?


My DH and I have discussed over such things before. Both of us do not support sending to nursing home if possible. DH even agreed to let me bring my parents over to stay with us if ever the need arise.

LOLMum:

relationship between spouse and inlaws is never easy. either you cut it off completely or bear with a grin in a difficult relationship.

Everyone knows....but there is a limit.....just where is the line? One has to understand his/her own limit, push it further and it's detrimental mentally.

LOLMum:

one advice my sil gave me before i got married was know more about him and his family (hard cos he is not local) and to give dh 100% support if i do want to marry him regardless of his family situation (if any). if the responsibility of looking after his parents falls on him, i must be ready to pick up a bigger share of this responsibility. dont compare who is not helping, who is contributing less, who is a brat etc because it will make me more miserable and more anger directed towards everyone else.

If I was not prepared for a bigger responsibility, I would have just say NO. So now I'm starting to feel miserable I'm reaching my threshold and YES, I am angry cos if the OWN children are not playing their part, why is the DIL getting the blame.
Even my DH knows that......he is trying hard to make things work for all. He knows that I have done my part, he knows what I'm going through. And if ever his parents really has to go nursing home eventually, he knows I WILL BE BLAMED when I have actually done the most in my capacity. So he is trying hard to avoid reaching that state. But sadly, his mom is not helping in this whole situation. DH has advised, talked, cooed his mom repeatedly, but to no avail. If the Maid & MIL situation worsen, maid will definitely quit. Then what next?

LOLMum:

sad to say, i am still hearing some of my friends complaining about their inlaws, the constant fights between husband and wife (though most have mellowed over the years) over them etc. my friends (one or two lived with the guy and his family before marriage) knew 100% what type of man they were marrying and the kind of family situation they are expecting to handle. and despite their obvious loathing of their inlaws before marriage, they still went ahead, got married and start fighting over every issues, putting the man in a very difficult position.

i think i better stop now cos' this will go on and on...........

You are not suggesting that we dun marry the guy because of his parents, are you??
Anyway, I agree....this will never end....it'll go on and on and on. Part and parcel of life. I just felt that a need to voice out that DIL should not be taking all the blame when things go wrong......and cannot expect DILs to be saints. There are all kinds of DILs and MILs......

OK, vented.....now I can go out of my hiding place (bedroom) and go for dinner

[LOLMum]

cwc:

Hi LOLMum,
Why DIL again? I know you are not targeting anyone, but somehow, I sense the fault seems to always point back to the DIL. There are other children around so can't they do something? Traditionally, son & dil are supposed to take care of the parents, but I believe, if one is willing, gender does not matter.
Whichever parents get sent to nursing home......there must be a reason and ALL (including all the children) play a part in this final decision. DIL cannot be taking the whole responsibility.

yes unfortunately no matter where you are, no matter what skin colour your are, it is always the dil who is at fault.

Just curious, if after sending the in-laws to nursing home and the DIL also visit weekly and do those stuff, are they redeemed or still wrong to send the in-laws there?

My DH and I have discussed over such things before. Both of us do not support sending to nursing home if possible. DH even agreed to let me bring my parents over to stay with us if ever the need arise.

of course not, no one wants to send the parents to the nursing home. mum stayed at home though we had a handicapped sister and another 80+ dad there. she has dementia too and was creating lots of problems for her carer and those living with her. but we still put off sending her to nursing home until tan tock seng hospital strongly recommended sending her to nursing home because of her medical issues.

LOLMum:

relationship between spouse and inlaws is never easy. either you cut it off completely or bear with a grin in a difficult relationship.

Everyone knows....but there is a limit.....just where is the line? One has to understand his/her own limit, push it further and it's detrimental mentally.

this is really up to the individual to know where his limit is and decide the next course of action.

LOLMum:

one advice my sil gave me before i got married was know more about him and his family (hard cos he is not local) and to give dh 100% support if i do want to marry him regardless of his family situation (if any). if the responsibility of looking after his parents falls on him, i must be ready to pick up a bigger share of this responsibility. dont compare who is not helping, who is contributing less, who is a brat etc because it will make me more miserable and more anger directed towards everyone else.

If I was not prepared for a bigger responsibility, I would have just say NO. So now I'm starting to feel miserable I'm reaching my threshold and YES, I am angry cos if the OWN children are not playing their part, why is the DIL getting the blame.
Even my DH knows that......he is trying hard to make things work for all. He knows that I have done my part, he knows what I'm going through. And if ever his parents really has to go nursing home eventually, he knows I WILL BE BLAMED when I have actually done the most in my capacity. So he is trying hard to avoid reaching that state.

[b]yes, i read about your situations and replied to your posts. good that you have a supportive hubby[/b]

LOLMum:

sad to say, i am still hearing some of my friends complaining about their inlaws, the constant fights between husband and wife (though most have mellowed over the years) over them etc. my friends (one or two lived with the guy and his family before marriage) knew 100% what type of man they were marrying and the kind of family situation they are expecting to handle. and despite their obvious loathing of their inlaws before marriage, they still went ahead, got married and start fighting over every issues, putting the man in a very difficult position.

i think i better stop now cos' this will go on and on...........

You are not suggesting that we dun marry the guy because of his parents, are you??

yes, i am. marriage is never about 2 persons there are other people involved. if i really insist on marrying the guy, then i must be able to take on what comes along with it. good if my hubby is supportive but if he is not???? just spoke to dh about this and he is of the opinion that it is up to the individual but i would definitely ask the person to reconsider.

Anyway, I agree....this will never end....it'll go on and on and on. Part and parcel of life. I just felt that a need to voice out that DIL should not be taking all the blame when things go wrong......and cannot expect DILs to be saints. There are all kinds of DILs and MILs......

[b]agree. dont forget about the invisible sil who needs to sort things out and not leaving all to the wife.[/b]

OK, vented.....now I can go out of my hiding place (bedroom) and go for dinner

dinner ??? hi, remember to leave my bowl of laska alone okay :dancing: :dancing:

[LOLMum]

SAHM_TAN:

LOLMum:

heehee,


and good morning to you peapot,

just got back from the cinema and it is only 12+ am in london.

Wow! You are such a fan of KSP that you log on even when you are in London.

been away from this forum for a few days and my fingers are itching to type something. fighting with dd over this one and only computer. have to give in to her cos' she has loads to homework to do and is behind schedule.

[BeContented]

KiasuAdult:

加油！要撑下去！ :rahrah:

Thanks....I will.

[concern2]

KiasuAdult:

cwc:

Hi LOLMum,

saw a couple of your responses......seems to pin most of these faults to DILs. sometimes, you gotta look at the whole situation. first of all, the sons/children must do their part to take care of their own parents....not dump the responsibilities to the DIL. that's downright not fair :mad:

just look at my situation, I am THE ONLY dil who agreed to let PILs over, but look what happens, it becomes my job, my responsibility. Fortunately, DH helps so I am willing to bear.....but it is increasingly straining my family, i'm reaching my threshold. financial help is NOT enough, I need my life too, DH needs his rest too....what are the rest doing to help?? my home is actually a dumping ground/nursing home for the rest of the siblings!!!

besides having frailing FIL, I have a difficult MIL. Talk about beautiful peaceful morning, almost 70% of my mornings, I wake from MIL yelling at FIL or maid & end up in a bad mood myself. I was in pink of heath and suddenly, a few mths after PILs shifted in, I was diagnosed with High BP (at 36yo).

Despite having endured a few years with PILs, I am seriously considering nursing home cos' all my previous maids refused to continue due to MIL. (during that time, maid only has to face MIL in the daytime loh) Was maidless and turn SAHM for a few years, was happy loh.
Now with frail FIL, had to hire maid again but new maid is showing signs that she cannot take it if MIL goes on......the real person I should be sending off is my MIL cos' she is the cause of ALL troubles.....if she keep her mouth shut and not interfere, things are fine.....I love it when she's not at home. But my only choice is to send FIL and then, terminate maid cos' I'm drained, my relationship with DH is drained & now, drained with the BILs/SILs too.

Finally, despite being the ONLY dil accommodating all these & enduring it for years, when the time comes. all blames/displeasure/accusation is on ME. Fair? I think not :rant:
The ones who dun live together, the ones who just watch from afar are the GOOD ones. I only know, if I am ever to stay with my DIL when I'm old, I will keep my mouth shut and should not be expecting from her. MY OWN children should be doing their parts and not the DILs. I'm sure if my OWN children were to help out sufficiently such the the DILs do not reach the stage of being strained, things would not reach such a state.

加油！要撑下去！ :rahrah:

cwc, you will have good karma. Really, no bluff. I have seen it happen to a couple of my family members who have taken on similar responsibilities. It is a tough job, and is a test of endurance (忍), more than anything else. Hang in there...

[fabrizzo]

hquek:

Thought I read they only disciplined the staff (not sacked?). I think she has got serious issues and shouldn't be working in this environment.

i wonder how they 'discipline' staff?students u can make them stand in a corner,put them on detention,pump them,or worst case caned.what do u do with nursing employees?