Growing apart

[Funz]

I have always taken to stance not to interfere into a couple’s problems however close they are. But of late, I have thrown caution to the wind and meddled a little with 2 couples who are super close to me. Both have husbands who are very similar. Both guys are decent fellas and dedicated fathers and family man. Problem is they forgot that a woman needs to be cherished and pampered and made to feel special. Both wives have been getting more and more unhappy and their complains and quarrels have been falling on deaf ears. One has resigned herself to being invisible, until such time when she cannot take it anymore, the other is on the verge of walking out on the marriage. We might think giving up on a marriage just because of this? But for these 2, it has been years of being the last priority, forgotten birthdays and anniversaries, being taken for granted, their unhappiness being brushed aside as PMS, limited physical intimacy, all these simply make them feel that they don’t matter at all to their husbands. In fact it reached a point where they think their husbands find them a nuisance and that both parties may be better off without each other. Well even if they may not be happy, at least they will not be unhappy.


The husbands were clueless. Both of them did not know that things were at breaking point. Had to remind one of them it was their anniversary that very day and true enough he had forgotten. As for the other, had a long chat with him and he finally woke up. Both are now making the effort to mend the bridges with their wives but there is so much resentment now that it is an uphill task. Both admitted that they have been complacent and have been taking their wives for granted. Both had the thinking that married oredi no need for all these gestures.

After meddling with their relationship, I went home gave DH some special TLC and at the same time prayed that they will be able to work things out and that I did not jeopardise my friendship with them.

[LOLMum]

sometimes it take a third party to help them see the light.


hopefully they are grateful to your little "meddling" cos’ you are not breaking up the marriage but rather helping them get it back on the right track.

i would be very grateful if i am them.

[carebear]

SBKS:

basically for us, DW likes to slp. she slp most of the time and tke naps if possible. I for one do not likes to slp. cos its a waste of time.

Hahahaha, I am like your DW.
I like to sleep alot.
The difference is that my DH also likes to sleep alot.
During weekends or leave, we are like owls.
Night time sleep late, so the next day sleep throughout the day.
Usually we fall asleep in the study.
That's when we actually sleep together (our nights are spent in separate rooms), and when we wake up, we feel like we have connected!

[SBKS]

carebear:

SBKS:

basically for us, DW likes to slp. she slp most of the time and tke naps if possible. I for one do not likes to slp. cos its a waste of time.

Hahahaha, I am like your DW.
I like to sleep alot.
The difference is that my DH also likes to sleep alot.
During weekends or leave, we are like owls.
Night time sleep late, so the next day sleep throughout the day.
Usually we fall asleep in the study.
That's when we actually sleep together (our nights are spent in separate rooms), and when we wake up, we feel like we have connected!

curious that if both like to slp alot then who do the work? no offence but just curious...got part time maid?

[sleepy]

Funz:

Both guys are decent fellas and dedicated fathers and family man. Problem is they forgot that a woman needs to be cherished and pampered and made to feel special. Both wives have been getting more and more unhappy and their complains and quarrels have been falling on deaf ears. One has resigned herself to being invisible, until such time when she cannot take it anymore, the other is on the verge of walking out on the marriage. We might think giving up on a marriage just because of this? But for these 2, it has been years of being the last priority, forgotten birthdays and anniversaries, being taken for granted, their unhappiness being brushed aside as PMS, limited physical intimacy, all these simply make them feel that they don't matter at all to their husbands.

Gosh, I think I can relate to this!

I wish my dh can be more affectionate. Most of the times, he doesn't initiate contact, such as having the initiative to hold my hands when we go out, give a peck on my cheek or touch my hair sometimes or compliment me when I wore a new dress. Been communicating about this issue for many years. However, dh simply doesn't take me seriously. Although I'm not anywhere near breaking point like your friends, but I sure hope we won't ever need go down that path :shock: I suggested to dh perhaps we should see a marriage counselor but he thinks I 小题大做. No way to get through to him :frustrated:

[kiddo]

sleepy:

Funz:

Both guys are decent fellas and dedicated fathers and family man. Problem is they forgot that a woman needs to be cherished and pampered and made to feel special. Both wives have been getting more and more unhappy and their complains and quarrels have been falling on deaf ears. One has resigned herself to being invisible, until such time when she cannot take it anymore, the other is on the verge of walking out on the marriage. We might think giving up on a marriage just because of this? But for these 2, it has been years of being the last priority, forgotten birthdays and anniversaries, being taken for granted, their unhappiness being brushed aside as PMS, limited physical intimacy, all these simply make them feel that they don't matter at all to their husbands.

Gosh, I think I can relate to this!

I wish my dh can be more affectionate. Most of the times, he doesn't initiate contact, such as having the initiative to hold my hands when we go out, give a peck on my cheek or touch my hair sometimes or compliment me when I wore a new dress. Been communicating about this issue for many years. However, dh simply doesn't take me seriously. Although I'm not anywhere near breaking point like your friends, but I sure hope we won't ever need go down that path :shock: I suggested to dh perhaps we should see a marriage counselor but he thinks I 小题大做. No way to get through to him :frustrated:

hello all fellow Sista,

We need to take the initiative to keep the fire going even if we are 40,50,60,70..... most man hang up their boots after they are married , its a natural thing for them....and just slide into a habit...

the lost of the fire in the belly to 'sayang\" the wife as I realised after
living with DH for 15years got very mcuh to do with the Asian culture
and the no display of affection to our spouses after marriage and after
the baby.

my DH is a hardcore Asian man but a good man though much the same as what Funz and sleepy describe the man they talking about as - display of affection is a no no but me no i make it a point
to kiss 'good Morning\" or \"Good nite\" :love: :snooze:
with DH and DS until it become a natural thing for both to do the
same to me too at random. I hug them a lot too.......but it must
start soon or else they will not be use to the open showing of
affection.......
IT do the spouses relationship and family a lot of Good. :imanangel: :hi5:

[sleepy]

kiddo:

We need to take the initiative to keep the fire going even if we are 40,50,60,70..... most man hang up their boots after they are married , its a natural thing for them....and just slide into a habit...


the lost of the fire in the belly to 'sayang\" the wife as I realised after
living with DH for 15years got very mcuh to do with the Asian culture
and the no display of affection to our spouses after marriage and after
the baby.

I'm always the one who initiate le. If he doesn't hold my hands, I will hold his. If he doesn't peck on my cheek, I will on his. I guess I'm an affectionate person so it's easy for me. I even sweet talk him!

But affection has to be two ways & not one direction. He simply happily receives all the attention without making any effort to reciprocate. I guess what I want to see is him making some attempt to 哄哄我, but he doesn't even give it any thoughts.

I even offer him suggestions like send me a mushy sms a day. Yes he did, for 5 days, & after that 不了了之. I've to send reminder sms but that defeats the purpose. Sigh... so many such incidents

[kiddo]

sleepy:

kiddo:

We need to take the initiative to keep the fire going even if we are 40,50,60,70..... most man hang up their boots after they are married , its a natural thing for them....and just slide into a habit...


the lost of the fire in the belly to 'sayang\" the wife as I realised after
living with DH for 15years got very mcuh to do with the Asian culture
and the no display of affection to our spouses after marriage and after
the baby.

I'm always the one who initiate le. If he doesn't hold my hands, I will hold his. If he doesn't peck on my cheek, I will on his. I guess I'm an affectionate person so it's easy for me. I even sweet talk him!

But affection has to be two ways & not one direction. He simply happily receives all the attention without making any effort to reciprocate. I guess what I want to see is him making some attempt to 哄哄我, but he doesn't even give it any thoughts.

I even offer him suggestions like send me a mushy sms a day. Yes he did, for 5 days, & after that 不了了之. I've to send reminder sms but that defeats the purpose. Sigh... so many such incidents

Darling sleepy, man bery the \"lazy' de, they will appreciate what you
done but very difficult to say it out de. I am very sure your DH do
appreciate what you have done, just that some man got 'so so snug'
into married life , all stay status quo and every one happy happy can
liao, the man happy so spouse should be happy happy too,
unfortunately we try many time they are still like a 'wood'.
I alway tease DH too - tell him \"u no feeling' then he just smile and then go back same old habit.
Don't let it spoil what you both have built up all these years,
They are stll our darling rite no matter how 'char tau\" they become :rotflmao:
:snuggles: sleepy

[Funz]

Yes, one can say we take the initiative. These friends of mine have been taking the initiative for years. The husband gets all the gifts and special treatments on all special occasions but the wife gets none. That is still not so bad. But what these friends of mine are saying is, they can see their husbands going out of their ways to do things for their colleagues, friends, siblings of parents or relatives but when it comes to them, the wife, somehow, the husbands have no qualms about saying no to them.


The wife was feeling down after a particularly hard day, called the husband, told him what happened and ask to go out for dinner to unwind. Husband said cannot, cos ex-colleagues ask him to go for drinks.

Since getting married, this couple has not gone on a holiday by themselves. It has always been with the parents. 10th year anniversary coming up, wife wanted to go for a trip that does not include the parents. Told the husband specifically. Initially ok. But when the husband heard that the parents wanted to go for a trip as well, he invited them along for their 10th yr anniversary trip. Talk about DUH.

If the husband is the kind that does not do anything for anybody elses birthday or any other special occasions, ok. Maybe he is just that oblivious. Problem is these guys will remember parents’ and siblings’ birthdays and special occasions and make the effort to arrange makan sessions but when it comes to their partners’ special days, nary a mention.

One of them is saying ok, I will make do with 70% of what I want, the other friend is saying why should I, I am not asking for anything unreasonable, what kind of a relationship is this if I am not even getting my basic needs met.

[kiddo]

Funz:

But what these friends of mine are saying is, they can see their husbands going out of their ways to do things for their colleagues, friends, siblings of parents or relatives but when it comes to them, the wife, somehow, the husbands have no qualms about saying no to them.

Since getting married, this couple has not gone on a holiday by themselves. It has always been with the parents. But when the husband heard that the parents wanted to go for a trip as well, he invited them along for their 10th yr anniversary trip. Talk about DUH.

Maybe he is just that oblivious. Problem is these guys will remember parents' and siblings' birthdays and special occasions and make the effort to arrange makan sessions but when it comes to their partners' special days, nary a mention.

One of them is saying ok, I will make do with 70% of what I want, the other friend is saying why should I, I am not asking for anything unreasonable, what kind of a relationship is this if I am not even getting my basic needs met.

Funz.... agree.... but.. I find marriage is loopsided whether
we want it to be or not, there is no equal never will be
because only one party in this wife husband group can have a upper hand
and it all boil down to compromise, compromise and more compromise
with one party , if we are lucky we get a somewhat balance relationship
there is though.....whether the couple is rich or poor... no different
first you dont just marry the man
you marry his family too , love them or shun them :faint:
As you said, is 10% good enough for me or 99 percent then is
good enough for me.
where is my limit with him and with my own standard
never end de.........
What is our choice ...with what we want from our husband
each woman or man to his own standard..if this breakdown
and we never realise we heading the no return route you know
where it goes to ..... etc etc.... many a marriage build and
break away because the greviances build up over time and
with no closure it erupted?
There is no \"perfect marriage' but there is \"good marriage\"
is how we see it and want it to be...it all in our hands :hi5:

Thanks for sharing Funz ...you are a deep thinker .... :hugs: