All About Selective Mutism

[alng]

Hi, my 6 yo ds is also like this. He is funny and cheeky at home but he is so shy and quiet outside home. He warms up very slowly with his teachers and can get up to one year to warm up with his teachers, only to say good bye thereafter. He does not initiate conversations or volunteer any info to the teachers. Last week, the teacher gave spelling when we did not have the spelling list. We were given a one page list instead of double sided list. He did not tell his teacher on the spot. He also did not tell me immediately on the same day. He only told me when he brought the spelling

book home for signature.

Two weeks ago at kumon, he was given a tough worksheet to do in class. He did not ask for help. When I went back to fetch him 45 mins later, he came to me to cry. He still refused to tell me the reason. I guessed the reason when I saw his unfinished worksheets. None of the kumon instructors detected that my son needed help when he had taken 45 mins and still could not complete the worksheets.

Anyone has same experience and how do you help your child? Please pm the contacts as well. Thanks very much!

[Chenonceau]

My son was like that too, and still is, to some extent. But I didn't think it was selective mutism. I made it a point to ask him about school everyday and if I detected any communication issues with Teacher, I would bridge the gap. I made an effort to become friendly with his Teachers and explained that my son is both shy and blur, and that if there are any problems, do let me know how to help. Then I would address the issue with my son at home too.


This makes Teachers gentler with him. They know I will help them address any issue, and they cut him more slack, and pay a little bit more attention to him. As his relationships with the Teacher grows, he becomes more chatty with them and soon, I dun need to mediate anymore.

Problem is, I had to facilitate his relationship with every new form teacher from P1 to P4. Now that he is in P5, he has developed more confidence and experience with new social interactions, and needs me less. Instead, I have switched to coaching him gently how to broach this or that sensitive topic with his Teacher.

This way of working it through attempts to change his school environment instead of to change him. It is a less usual way of intervening, because most people work directly on the child... but it worked for me.

The following is an example of a note I wrote his Teacher because my son did not dare to tell the Teacher that he had too much homework. Note the positive strokes I give the Teacher and how I craft my son's story. The Teacher I wrote to was a very caring teacher. It was easy to praise her. And it was also true that my son was not sleeping enough. Teachers generally have a heart for kids so when they can see that your child is really trying, they will generally be kinder and softer with them. This kindness and softness will help your child to come out of his shell.

XXXX went to bed in tears last night after I told him that I would be dropping you an email. He insisted that I not communicate with you but I scolded him and told him that I am his Mother and I don’t need his permission to communicate with you.

The purpose of this email is to ask that XXXXX be exempted from all the Math Workbook sums. Comparing the type of questions in the Math workbook with the type of questions in the SA1, it would seem that the Math Workbook is pitched at a level of difficulty so low as to be not at all helpful. XXXXX will be starting on simultaneous equations soon with his enrichment class. His work with the enrichment class provides tools and techniques that we find useful in helping him tackle the last 4 questions of the Math exam paper set by the school.

Normally, I would not mind that he do easy homework but the disparity between exam standards and classroom work is so large now that if we use his time at home to do easy work, he has no time to practise the difficult work required in exams across all four subjects from
- English compo
- Chinese compo
- English oral
- Chinese oral
- Math
- Science
Hence, either we complete all the easy homework and do poorly at exams... or I actually do his easy homework for him so he has time to tackle challenging problems... or I ask that you exempt him from such easy homework.

XXXXX wakes up at 5.30am and sleeps at 11pm. He is only a little boy and my heart aches for him. I want to ensure that he gets to play on Sundays because even Employment Laws dictate a rest day for employees every week. All enrichment needs to take place from Mondays to Fridays and he works half days on Saturdays. For the sake of effectiveness (a well-rested child performs better) and efficiency (with limited time, I prefer he does challenging sums), I ask that you exempt him from all the Workbook questions so that I have time to do challenging math with him.

Gee... I do hope you aren’t offended by this email. I don’t mean to. But as a mother I love my son and I care for his overall wellbeing. As such, I feel it within my duty to communicate with you on this. You’re a passionate and loving teacher, and XXXXX loves your classes. This is probably why he was adamant that I not tell you. He did not want you to feel offended and to dislike him, because he really likes you a lot.

[smurf]

Wah Chenonceau, you win Oredi lor! Haha.

[Chenonceau]

smurf:

Wah Chenonceau, you win Oredi lor! Haha.

No lah... not win lah... just trying to smoothen things a bit for my son and also encourage a nice teacher.

[alng]

Hi Chenonceau,


Thanks for the sharing. I totally agree with changing the environment instead the child and to give the child time to grow. I have been adopting the same strategy since my son started schooling at 2.5 years old. I have been patience but I am panic now as he is going P1 next year. I even think of quitting my job to homeschool him if he is not ready for school. I have an elder girl at P5 now but my boy is very different from his jie jie.

Please allow me to ask more questions and learn from you:

1. Is your son in a boys’ school or co-ed school?

2. In a co-ed school, it is common for girls to do better than boys. Does your son feel demoralised when he does not do so well in school? My son is going to a co-ed school and I hate to see that his little confidence being destroyed over and over again.

3. How does your son fare in oral? Is he prepared to talk during oral?

4. My son gives up easily. He wants to give up on his hanyupinyin and phonics classes recently without telling me the reason. After some observations, questioning him and talking to the teachers, my conclusion is that the classes are getting more and more difficult. So when I asked him gently if he wanted to quit due to the difficulty, he said yes. He is going to face difficult topics and topics he does not know when he goes to P1. I have been thinking what should I do to help him cope and build up his confidence. I am even thinking of teaching him in advance of the teachers.

Whether my child has problems or not, I feel that all parents should keep close communications with the teachers. Afterall, the responsibility to educate a child is shared between the parents and teachers.

Thanks very much!

[Chenonceau]

Confidence comes with success, exposure and familiarity. If you homeschool at P1, you may just postpone the problem and it'll get more difficult to resolve later. Do you think?


My son was exactly like yours in P1. He gave up easily, and was very shy. This was because I was negligent and failed to recognise the effects of sibling rivalry on him. Between his sister and him, there is a 7 year gap. He always lost to his sister as a baby and toddler. She ran faster, talked better, built nicer, jumped higher, ate faster. He gave up easily because he knew he could never win. Soon, he believed that when things get too difficult, it's no point.

I had to check the sibling rivalry and force family members to let him win at games and such... and then in school, I had to encourage a lot, cane a little, and generally push him towards experiences of success where he could tell himself \"Hey! It wasn't easy but I did it\". He is in P5 now and does not give up in the face of difficulty anymore because I have engineered his environment to give him some hard victories. Victories he had to woro for. Things he didn't believe he could do but with my encouragement, he persisted and did it.

See these links for my experiences with my children...
(1) http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/adapt-your-parenting-style-your-childs-growing-needs

(2) http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?p=326567#p326567

Hope it helps.

[alng]

Hi chenonceau, thanks very much for your sharing!

[pingsped]

Well, my take is shy kids have sensory processing difficulties or mild developmental issues. Possible causes are sheltered or sedentary lifestyles in early childhood (0-3yrs).


Most kids can outgrow shyness without occupational therapy. Some take abt 6 yrs without parent support; most will come out of their shells by their teens. I work with kids who are overly loud or quiet. I usually advise parents to enrol their kids in non-competitive sports or dance to help their kids get used to "high-arousal" states which makes shy kids "defensive".

Perhaps u can google the terms. Some of the recommended exercises will work for your kids too.

PM me if you want more info. I work with kids who have language and reading difficulties but a lot of them also have sensory processing issues which compound learning problems. Kids with selective mutism are very different from shy kids. There are some kids who fall in the gray areas.

[rivervalley]

Hi,


My girl is in P1 this year. We suspected since N2 that she was not behaving normally in school as her teachers reported she wouldn’t talk. But she is perfectly normal and very chatty at home. It is like she has 2 different personalities in and outside of home. Finally last year in K2 she was diagnosed with selective mutism by the psychologist at Institute of Mental Health. She has been seeing the psychologist for 9 months and there has been improvement during her last year of kindergarten. She progressed from being completely mute in school, then mouthing words (without sound), then whispering, and finally talking softly to teachers and a few friends in school. But still considered a very very shy kid by normal standards. The root cause of SM is extreme anxiety which we need to address and remove that anxiety. Early detection and intervention of SM is key.

Now my girl has moved on to primary school and she has to start from scratch in a new environment which is more initimidating than kindergarten. She is struggling a little so far, she did not manage to do her first Show-and-tell despite 4 attempts, which is completely understandable, as I believe even a normal kid would find Show-and-tell scary in front of 30 classmates. I believe she is also too afraid to buy food from the canteen vendors during recess, so I pack food for her. These are all areas I have to work with her to improve.

Hope to share with other mummies with similar experience especially in primary school. I realise primary school is very different from our time when we just sit and listen to teachers. These days kids have presentations, show-and-tell and group work which involves TALKING which pose a challenge to SM kids.

[smartmummy]

When my son was in kindergarten,he was very quite.he easily can cry.if his friend talking with him he will cry. Stil I remember, his T said she asked him softly, if she asked him in a rough tone he would cry.that time I was not aware of SM. He quite by nature and we also quite.I thought may be genetics, I didn’t worry much.

In p1, he was complaining other people like very noisy, all the kids talking like kindergarten kids.he is quite good academically so I didn’t worry about social moving in kindy. After joining P1 I realized that social moving very important as same as academically.one day he brought a paper that informed me to prepare show and tell,I just got shocked. I just prepared him and suspected hhow he will do cos he never tried infront of a small group. But he did well, he got full marks for his show and tell. One day in the hall T asked qns and he got a price from principal for answering an. The principal told to him that he raised his hand as much he can. My point is I talked to him a lot.explain in details.i always listen to him and wanted to know.why he did that. Then I explained why he can’t do something. As a SAHM I had lot of time. So I brought him out often. Visit library often. Read story books for him. He attended storytimes. When we out I took pictures. That time I learnt I need to be happy then only I can tolerate his misbehaviors. So I went out often with him. So it helped to me.

I just remember in k2 my son got active and a bold boy as a friend.They always play in the playground.I think my son learnt from him how to be more brave.