HELP NEEDED BADLY - Wife's temper hitting the roof

[LionIron]

insider:

maybe you should consider to sub out those academdc workt to tuitior and let your wife focus on the nurturing part of your child/children. I my self, an alomost full blown early childhood educator, don't believe in giving tuition to my own kids. I may hv the whole universe of patience with the kids of other parents but when come to my kids, the theories just cant translate into practice.


That's why my constant advice to all parents has been if you cant tuition your child with patience that your child deserves, then better sub out to someone else else you will strain all the relationships in a family.

I prefer to hve cordial relationships with my kids and husband than to lose my temper over careless school work. Somehow, I really can manage carelessness by kids of other parents but when come to own kids, my patience tends to be shorter. I know my own shortcoming and weakness and so never attempt to tuition my own kids (btw, I don't really believe in tuition and my kids only have tuition only under absolutely neccesary situation else they are expected to be on their own and shown me their effort...).

You may want to assess your wife's temperament. Maybe she is more suited to a working mum and at stay at home mum. If you ask me to be a stay at home mu, probably I will go crazy coz there's there is so much more than I think I can do than to advocate myself sole for my own kids. So, assessing her temperament and needs may be a good start.

PS: Post written after a 'political' gathering with my stafff (have to entertain more than 100 staff and not easy as these come from different countries with different needs/expectations/etc and so really exhausting). Tiring and really down with fatigue coz of their mostly immatured thiniking and behaviour (up to date, early childhood educators are still not up to that kind of mark that I expect them to be so and I have to patient and try to nurture as much as I can). Working mum does have stress but this stress can be taken as a challenge. If only stay at home mum can take those issues/problems face when handling their child/children at home as challenges, then everything can be tackled positively, else it will be just a chore = frustration = unhappiness in the family = all hell break loose...

She chose to stop working in the Bank in 2001 to look after the kids and also because of working stress. I was initially against it but gave-in.

With the current problem, I encourage her to find work but she refused saying she has no relevant skills now and she wants to see the children complete their PSLE then she will consider.

The 2 children have tuitions for ALL subjects. She bought assesment books to supplement - she wanted to be sure they know what they were taught. Unfortunately - they didn't absorb much from school /tuition + higher incidences of carelessness = Explosion of Anger.

She is aware of her problem fortunately. She listens to no one - only her friends - whom I find is feeding her justifications to behave this way as they too are \"in the same Boat\". I told her that 10 wrongs is not equal 1 right. She must breakaway from this bondage.

I hear Yoga from someone here. Its tough already to have 10mins of her time to chat. She prefers to read the newspapers, watch TV, teach the kids chat with friends over the phone.

The only chat from her is 100% pure Instructional words - even to me nowadays - buy this, fix that, call this, fetch me, kids this time, that time, very little serious heart to heart talk or casual ones.

I felt like a Maid, repairman, telephone operator, taxi driver and ATM all roll into one.

My friend gave this remark that hurts but quite true - she is no longer your wife - she is the mother of your children...

I'm changing for the better and Eugene Low Slice of Life is my uplifter each morning as I began to change myself 1st and I'm seeing my wife in very different light - someone that needs more love from me tirelessly, patiently.

Thank you very one for your kindness and thoughtfulness and pointers.
I learnt alot.

[jedamum]

LionIron:

She listens to no one - only her friends - whom I find is feeding her justifications to behave this way as they too are \"in the same Boat\".

:idea: maybe you should delete away this thread and then invite her to this kiasu platform for us to befriend her? :evil:

anyway, all the best.

[kitty2]

[quote]She chose to stop working in the Bank in 2001 to look after the kids and also because of working stress. I was initially against it but gave-in.


With the current problem, I encourage her to find work but she refused saying she has no relevant skills now and she wants to see the children complete their PSLE then she will consider.

The 2 children have tuitions for ALL subjects. She bought assesment books to supplement - she wanted to be sure they know what they were taught. Unfortunately - they didn't absorb much from school /tuition + higher incidences of carelessness = Explosion of Anger.

She is aware of her problem fortunately. She listens to no one - only her friends - whom I find is feeding her justifications to behave this way as they too are \"in the same Boat\". I told her that 10 wrongs is not equal 1 right. She must breakaway from this bondage.

I hear Yoga from someone here. Its tough already to have 10mins of her time to chat. She prefers to read the newspapers, watch TV, teach the kids chat with friends over the phone.

The only chat from her is 100% pure Instructional words - even to me nowadays - buy this, fix that, call this, fetch me, kids this time, that time, very little serious heart to heart talk or casual ones.

I felt like a Maid, repairman, telephone operator, taxi driver and ATM all roll into one.

My friend gave this remark that hurts but quite true - she is no longer your wife - she is the mother of your children...

I'm changing for the better and Eugene Low Slice of Life is my uplifter each morning as I began to change myself 1st and I'm seeing my wife in very different light - someone that needs more love from me tirelessly, patiently.

Thank you very one for your kindness and thoughtfulness and pointers.
I learnt alot.[/quote]Wow!!! :udaman: you're a fantastic and patient husband,hard to come by.Perhaps,only God can help her and have a breakthrough in your situation.It'll be unhealthy to continue such life style.

All the best and God Bless you.

[skunk]

give her 2 tight slaps and say


\"limpei warn u stop being crazy, or i'll send u to mad people hospital ah!!!\"

nolah kidding hehe. Maybe u should joke with her/watch comedies with her sometimes. I think she's highly strung...a relaxed home environment might help. U will feel less stressed too

Cheers.

[MLR]

Sound like counselling is needed. Not just for her, but for you too. You can start by getting some suggestions from the counsellor on how to cope and also how to help her. Go check out where is the family centre in your neighbourhood in MCYS website. Their fee is affordable and they do evening sessions.


My parents managed to avoid a breakup after going thru counselling. Their problem started way back like at least 20 yrs ago. They did it for my bro who had his 3rd episode of bi-polar disorder earlier this year and was warded in IMH for about a month.

Glad that you are seeking advise and trying to sort things out.
Take care and stay strong.

[skunk]

MLR:

They did it for my bro who had his 3rd episode of bi-polar disorder earlier this year and was warded in IMH for about a month.

Bipolar can be successfully controlled, Sodium Valporate is good, although it'll make the patient real fat LOL

[Yong HL]

Hi LionIron


I agree with kitty2 that you are really a thumbs-up husband! i also agree with most parents here that our patience is quite short when teaching our own kids. i also scream at my girl when teaching her until we ended in frustrations nearly every lessons. Even my husband dare not make noise when i scream and scold. I realised something is not right. Thankfully, the parents in this forum really helped me and now, i have changed my tactics, do up a roster to coach her. Lessons now are less tensed... Good luck to you and i definately recommend you to fren her up with us here...

[MLR]

skunk:

Bipolar can be successfully controlled, Sodium Valporate is good, although it'll make the patient real fat LOL

He is on it now. But u know how it is that when he is feeling fine, he would be tempted to stop, which was what happened b4 this episode.

The trigger has been my parents, they were getting from bad to worst. So we took the opportunity of my bro's last admission to forced them into submission to counselling.

Sorry, didn't mean to ride on this thread :oops:

[Lock]

Yong HL:

i also agree with most parents here that our patience is quite short when teaching our own kids. i also scream at my girl when teaching her until we ended in frustrations nearly every lessons. Even my husband dare not make noise when i scream and scold. I realised something is not right.

Wow, aren't I glad to have chanced upon this thread. At least now I know I was not alone. I also used to scream and went 'crazy' while tutoring my girl. The feeling after that was super lousy and many a times I questioned my role as a mother.

After seeking numerous advice and reading up parenting books, I came to this conclusion. The main reason we are super impatient with our kids' learning is that we have very high expectations of them. We want them to be genius, to score in tests and exams, to make us proud with their academic achievements. We have no patience for them to learn slowly, we want them to fly, to get it right after 1 or the most 2nd tries.

If we teach them with the expectation of them scoring high marks, we teach with frustration, but if we teach them with the objective of them gaining knowledge, we will teach with patience.

Now, I keep reminding myself to not push my children. When u push them, they will only go a short distance and u have to continue pushing to complete the whole journey. Very tiring! However, if we hold their hands and walk beside them, we can cover greater distance and the journey becomes more pleasant.

Just my 2 cents' worth.

[mrswongtuition]

This is the reason why I do not want to be a SAHM if we could afford it.


I think your wife needs new friends & some hobbies. Think back to BEFORE kids came into the picture, what did your wife enjoy doing? Entice her to pick up some hobbies. It could be learning an instrument or just going for courses (upgrade herself to get ready to join workforce when your kids are in sec sch). There are alot of parenting workshops available that she can attend to know more parents & also ‘upgrade’ herself on education so that it’ll be less frustrating for her.

I honestly think your wife is very fortunate to have you. Maybe she’s leading a complacent life, resulting in her current behaviour. Everything’s basically taken care of & she’s ‘not needed’ anymore.

It can be quite depressing if you do not have a ‘responsiblity’ so she takes the kids’ results as her personal responsiblity. It could also be ‘society at play’. People around her telling her that her kids must be doing well in school as she’s a SAHM & can coach/monitor them.

I also think the mental stress she’s giving the kids is not healthy for them in the long run & they will resist studying very soon. I’ve seen kids who have been pushed by their mums so hard that they refuse to write a word on their exam papers. It’s very sad as the whole family went into depression, denial & started to blame each other.

I know it’s difficult to tell your wife she’s got a problem & she needs to solve it. But I think you can start off by buying some relevant parenting books for her. No need to tell her she has a problem, just tell her someone recommended those books to help teach your children better. Encourage her to read it (best if you can read it first). Sometimes we simply hate people telling us that we are WRONG, just let us discover on our own might be a better option.

If leaving subtle hints don’t work, I’ll propose family counselling. The whole family goes in for counselling to not only solve your wife’s problems but also to help the kids get over the hurt. At the same time, the family can discuss & re-evaluate your expections of each other. This way, your wife will not feel that the whole ‘problem’ lies with her as the counsellor will always point out that certain behaviours from the children were contributing factors & the counsellor will encourage the children to make a promise/pledge to improve those behaviours so that mummy does not need to ‘explode’ at them.

Hope my suggestions will help. Do give your kids the assurance that it’s not their fault but they need to be more conscious of their actions.