HELP NEEDED BADLY - Wife's temper hitting the roof

[Jennifer]

LionIron:

The 2 children have tuitions for ALL subjects. She bought assesment books to supplement - she wanted to be sure they know what they were taught. Unfortunately - they didn't absorb much from school /tuition + higher incidences of carelessness = Explosion of Anger.

Are your children deprived of sleep->inability to concentrate->bad grades?

You mentioned your wife stayed at home in 2001 when your 1st child was in P4. How was your child performing in sch then?

I believe in brain food. Hence I made sure my boys take a DHA supplement, eat fish daily, stay away from soft drinks or anything stuff that contain artificial sugars. I also scream at my boys to go to bed latest by 10pm and made sure my younger one has at least 10 hours of sleep. My experiences with my elder boy is if he stays up a few nights, he will fall sick.

My elder boy has Chinese tuition after my attempts to coach him personally left him hating the subject and I fuming mad. Like many mums here, I don't hv the patience. Maybe you need to find out why the children are still not performing despite the tuitions/coaching from your wife.

Sch prelims is ard the corner. Maybe your wife would feel more pressure this period. If she resists going out with you alone, then what about bringing the whole family out? If she wants to stay at home, then let her, but bring the children out to enjoy themselves.

Btw my elder boy (P6 this year) still makes careless mistakes. Nothing much I can do. I used to be angry, took away some privileges, made him do more assessments- all useless attempts.

[cnimed]

[quote]Thx Skunk,

But U need to know these facts :
a. She don't lift a finger at home on chores - we have a housemaid.
b. She is the Angel with Friends and Relatives - On the phone she is laughing chatting and after she hangs up - she can be switch to the Anger at peak.
c. I understand and I show it in action and words and Self-made cards. I felt that she's taking advantage of me pleasing her every way.
d. I hv ask a 1000 times to go out Paktor but she's always postponing it and engross with the children.
e. She will find all excuses to refrain Lovemaking - Stomache, headache, Too Angry to do it, no mood, tired, u name it she's got it. Don't ask further...
f. I started Sat/Sun morning walks / simple exercise and ask her to join - U know the answer - too tired. (mind you she sleeps afternoon naps for 3 hours.
g. She eats mainly Homecook food.

I've used all the most beautiful and encouraging words I know for her.[/quote]wah LionIron, I gotta propose - you want to be my husband?

Your kids are lucky. At least you are not caving into the pressure yet. Good luck! Lots of deep breathing, and tell the kids they are still good kids no matter what ya?

[tamarind]

[quote]I also suggest she go for Pschiatric help - she brush it off justifying that he friends also have the same problem as her. [/quote]
What your wife really need are new friends !

Mommies love to compare their kids. If their friends' kids do better, then she will come home and push the kids to study harder.

Try to find mommies whose kids are worst off than your kids, let your wife learn about how these mommies cope, she should feel better this way.

Why not encourage your wife to write in this forum? She should be able to get good advise from sensible parents here.

Also, how are your kids coping with the screaming? If she only screams, then kids may get immune to it and feel nothing. But if the kids feel hurt, then you should seriously do something about it. Why not record your wife's screaming on video, and the kids' expressions, and show it to her when she cools down? Sometimes we really don't know how bad we behave, until we see and hear ourselves on video.

[Jennifer]

I asked myself a simple qn: how do I want my children to remember me if I am dead tmr? Sad to see me gone or happy to be rid of me?

[en107rn.01056yahoo.01056com.01056sg]

[quote]What your wife really need are new friends ! [/quote]
Agree! Same thoughts as Jedamum and Tamarind.

I faced the same situation too. Just that my situation was reversed (all men talking about reefing morning day and night). :faint:

Tried and did all the nice things to entice him back but does not work. Glad that I managed to iron up the issue and yes, the culprit was the friends. He is still in contact with them but on a less frequent basis. It was not an easy task and tired of being nice. It's the speak up, stand up and fight for my right that eventually make him see that his action is bad for the family.

And yes, we got rid of the reef tank, so now nothing much for him to talk about with his friend.

Find out what is the thing in common your wife has with her friends. And with the examination around the corner, please lend out a helping hand. It is not easy to assist kids with school work these days even though a parent can be a graduate.

The very reason why Kiasu Parents is a big hit with parents in Singapore

[LionIron]

Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words and suggestions and methods.


I hope that someday this KiasuParent portal can create seminars on better parenting or something. With you guys being the speakers. I always believe that no one can learn parenting from books but from real life situations.

I would like to comment on some of your suggestions :
a. Ask my wife to join this forum - if she finds out I’m writing about her, its the D word from her - knowing I dish out so much about her ?. She hates washing dirty linen in the public.

b. Speak to her about counselling or psychiatric help - though she acknowledges her Anger problem - I know she is also trying by herself. However, she had refused such things whenever I bring it up.

c. Change her friends - I don’t think its possible. I also knew she has many "mommy of our children’s freinds but I guess she will not reveal her problems to them as she does not know them well enough. Her goods friends - unfortunately have children 13 years old and all of them scores 250+ for PSLE. This is the problem - they got pretty good results…

d. My children are already affected - They are robots waiting for their button to be press or else they don’t do any work. I ask them to make a Duty roster but it seems there is only 1 - start homework after coming back from school and finish them.

e. Seek God’s help - Did that for long time. Still doing…

[MLR]

LionIron:

b. Speak to her about counselling or psychiatric help - though she acknowledges her Anger problem - I know she is also trying by herself. However, she had refused such things whenever I bring it up.

Oh gosh, you sound so despondent.
Well, since she acknowledge her problem, its a head start. Theres a toll free hotline that you can call whenever you need a listening ear, they are trained volunteers who lend very good listening ears. Its manned by Care Corner, they are a family service centre, hotline number is: 1800 3535 800. Maybe you can try to get her to call them in her own time, own privacy. She seems like she has strong pride, so it is difficult for her to seek help. You try talking to them first and share your experience with her.
Hang in there, we are here for you.

[LionIron]

deminc:

wah LionIron, I gotta propose - you want to be my husband?

I'm flattered but no thanks...

[winth]

How is your married relationship right from the start? Has it always been she strong, you-giving party sorta relationship?


Have you ever quarrelled with her, since the beginning of the marriage (let’s not talk about the kids first, but your very own marriage with your wife)?

[Andaiz]

winth:

How is your married relationship right from the start? Has it always been she strong, you-giving party sorta relationship?


Have you ever quarrelled with her, since the beginning of the marriage (let's not talk about the kids first, but your very own marriage with your wife)?

IronLion, to add to winth's questions,
(1) what was wifey's relationship with her parents, specifically her MOTHER like?

(2) What was her childhood like?

I'm a FTWM with a temper as well. Not the best of worlds and sometimes I feel trapped. I looked back and realize that I've grown up with lots of noise as my mum would be screaming at me to \"do this and do that\" and it has become my FIRST line of defence.....screammmmm when the kids refuse to listen.

Realizing this has helped me come to terms that this is my comfort zone (yes, not a crutch or an excuse ) and the need to break these soul ties.

Sometimes our style of parenting (and especially under pressure, it's PSLE year after all!) is often a good mix of what we see in our parents...and also our relationship with our spouse...