Is 15 years old too young to send overseas for studies?
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2ppaamm:
That's why I think you really should be writing a book. I didn't know of any parents who can juggle 5 kids the way you did. I'm just wondering how you managed to go as a guardian. Unlike Singapore, most countries don't allow pei du mama. Definitely not for kids going to college. For the F1 visa for US, they do allow spouse and children to go along, but not parents.
Very wise thoughts here.
I too enjoy the company of my children too much to let them go. That's why I'm tagging along even though my son is already 17 and my daughter is also 15. I'm going to be stay with them as a guardian while they study in a foreign country. I have to put my career on hold and leave my husband here, only getting to see him every 3 weeks. And bringing another 2 along.
I guess these are just small sacrifices I believe I have to make, until I feel that they no longer need me around. Not just in sexual guidance, but in all other areas as well. Like Chen, I do discuss my opinions about sex, drugs, moral issues and even fashion, money matters, business acumen, sporting ethics and legal implications with the kids. I enjoy just shopping with the kids, have hi-tea and talk about life in general, instead of ferrying them from tuition to tuition classes. That way, we impart OUR values to them. As it is, we are competing with so much 'noise' from elsewhere: the media, teachers, friends, books and magazines etc. Such influences may or may not be as ideal as we hope them to be. In fact, I don't even want people to teach my children composition, especially Chinese composition because I like my children to learn my writing style, which was passed down from my father. But that's just me.
If we 'give away' our children at such a young age, in their most formative years, how do we hope to influence their thoughts, values, sex and spiritual orientation going forward? I am perhaps a very kiasu mother in this aspect, I drive my children (all 5 of them) everywhere even when they are in the uni, even though I have a full-time job, simply because I want to be part of their lives. I believe my children appreciate that, and I had very few of those instances where they had to lie to me about where they went, or change clothes to portray a different image behind me. I think it is just so hard when we already know so much. It is also great to know their thoughts about what they think of their friends' attitude, sexual behavior, strengths and weaknesses. They then start to reflect with us and we work towards what make sense for them.
I believe freedom given to children can only be reduced and not increased. We let go of our children slowly. But once that degree of freedom is given, it is impossible to get it back. So if we give them total freedom, and when something is amiss, and we try to take some back, it is virtually impossible. That's why I let go very, very slowly. Yet, I also believe in total freedom as long as it is exercised lawfully and ethically. It is such a fine balance to let the children know they have full freedom in deciding certain paths they want to take (e.g. which classes they want to take, which school, how fast/accelerated or slow they want to pursue academically, which CCA, sport, which friends they want to make), and which paths they cannot even consider (e.g. not wise to have bf or gf before certain age, no men in their rooms when they travel with team, no drugs, no lies, no cheating in school, no bullying, no rude remarks to elders, no unlawful acts no matter how strange the law is like chewing gums etc etc).
Parenting is a complicated process. I don't think I know much more than anyone here. Different people have different priorities. For me, academic is certainly not more important than the relationship with the child and life skills. Achievement far more transient than good personality. I want to influence what's important first, then the academic and achievement will fall in place. But that's just me.
Having said these, I can also understand the limited options for a child not given opportunities. I have a friend with 2 kids who did not pass PSLE the first round. In the second round, they did too well to go to Northlight.
Having no option, the parents left with the kids to NZ. They found freedom and opportunities there. The children had a good education and they are now in their late teens. They had equal opportunities as anyone there. Something our country could not afford them. The older is already back for NS. But the sacrifices the parents made were not small.
They moved there as a family, with no job, no PR-ship, no money. The husband worked as a cleaner in graveyard shifts and they stayed in poorly heated rental houses. They suffered. After many years, he is now a manager, and they are PRs. The kids have finished high school and have an option to study in the university.
Every child and every family has different needs. One thing is for sure. As parents, there will be sacrifices. Be prepared to make them.
I do agree with you that once freedom is given, it's almost impossible to take it back. That's why freedom can only be given slowly and tentatively.
I agree with you that values and personality are more important. Just that I'm not sure keeping the child in Singapore helps, not with some of those things they teach them in our national schools. Sometimes, values can be more effectively taught by others, instead of the parents.
As for sacrifices, I'm not sure it's best for the child if a parent give up their career to go along, unless the family is independently wealthy. While money is not the most important, it's needed to open certain doors for the child. More so if the family has more than 1 child. Your friend is really brave to do what they did. But from a risks - reward perspective, I'm not sure it's the wisest thing to do. It's fortunate that things worked out for them. For me, I think 1 of the worst thing to happen is for the family to run out of money and become unable to support the child's education further. I've seen that happening many times - from Indonesian students during the Asian crisis to applicants for clerical positions who had dropped out of an overseas college due to financial problems.
For a child who is not doing as well academically, going overseas may be a better option if money is not a major concern. It's not just about education. It's also the environment and the peer influence, which may not be too positive in some of the schools here. If the environment overseas is better for the child, and the parents have to stay behind to work in order to support the child financially, I think it's fine for the child to go. Sometimes, the child listen to the parent more when they're away because we learn to focus on what's most important and nag less on the more mundane stuff. -
lovejoypeacce:
Thanks moms for your valuable comments. I will be going to Auckland tomorrow to see the schools as well as talk to the international deans there.
As parents, there are a lot of issues we need to consider and all your comments are what we have thought of ourselves too...just need to weigh the pros and cons and what we think is best for her...
thanks!
hi, are you back?
how's your search for schools in auckland? -
rosemummy:
If NZ, I would park my daughter at one of my best friends' family with 4 girls, in Auckland.verykiasu2010:
15 y/o okay lah......I also contemplating ....., not 15, but 16, after O level
Best time to do so is after O level. Can go straight to college / university in US or after 1 year in a foundation programme in Australia. Compared to going after A levels, the child will be 1 to 2 years ahead in Australia, and about 2 years ahead in US.
Oh yes, I just remembered 1 of my friend's daughter went straight to university in NZ after completing her O levels. She applied using her prelims and started before the release of her O level results. If I remember correctly, she was doing Business in Univeristy of Auckland, probably the best university in NZ. -
verykiasu2010:
If NZ, I would park my daughter at one of my best friends' family with 4 girls, in Auckland.[/quote]Yes, that's a great idea. I think my friend's daughter stayed with her cousin while there. The best arrangement is when you have a close friend or relative living in the vicinity of the school your child is attending, and can either take her in or help to keep a look out for her.rosemummy:
[quote=\"verykiasu2010\"]15 y/o okay lah......I also contemplating ....., not 15, but 16, after O level
Best time to do so is after O level. Can go straight to college / university in US or after 1 year in a foundation programme in Australia. Compared to going after A levels, the child will be 1 to 2 years ahead in Australia, and about 2 years ahead in US.
Oh yes, I just remembered 1 of my friend's daughter went straight to university in NZ after completing her O levels. She applied using her prelims and started before the release of her O level results. If I remember correctly, she was doing Business in Univeristy of Auckland, probably the best university in NZ. -
I think it depends. One of my best friends stay just about 25 minutes away from us here in Australia, but I still come with my daughter. I’d rather do the mothering myself when she is so young. Nevertheless, my friend is of great help whenever I need back-up, like babysitting and contacts. Also when I have to travel back for a week or even a month. Short term is good with a good friend. But to leave the child here long term with someone else is something I wouldn’t do. But that’s just me, again. Super kiasu in this aspect. Motherhood is too important to miss out in exchange for anything else.
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Hi 2ppamm, glad to see you’re back online. You’re in Australia? How are you and your dd settling in?
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2ppaamm:
I think it depends. One of my best friends stay just about 25 minutes away from us here in Australia, but I still come with my daughter. I'd rather do the mothering myself when she is so young. Nevertheless, my friend is of great help whenever I need back-up, like babysitting and contacts. Also when I have to travel back for a week or even a month. Short term is good with a good friend. But to leave the child here long term with someone else is something I wouldn't do. But that's just me, again. Super kiasu in this aspect. Motherhood is too important to miss out in exchange for anything else.
I know what you mean, but then the younger one is only sec 1 in SG and not ready to move .... so may be I got to do more visiting, or purposely route my biz trips via NZ if my DD eventually goes there -
Very difficult to route biz trips via NZ - it’s so out of the way.
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jtoh:
Very difficult to route biz trips via NZ - it's so out of the way.
it is okay, can fly Air NZ from Auckland to LAX, 2x daily flights -
verykiasu2010:
A bit far still. How many hours? A father's love.jtoh:
Very difficult to route biz trips via NZ - it's so out of the way.
it is okay, can fly Air NZ from Auckland to LAX, 2x daily flights
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