Middle Child
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DesertWind:
I am a middle-child, sandwiched between two brothers. I can testify that parents need to be very careful not to neglect the middle-child. Because focus is always either on the eldest child or the youngest child. The middle one somehow although parents know he/she is there but like blind-spot like this.
I remembered one incident from young until now. One day all 3 of us siblings were sitted at the dining table. My mother has got one chicken with 2 drumsticks on the table and she was chatting away. One drumstick was to be given to my father and the other which one of us should eat? Then my mother said since the last time big koko already eaten, it is the youngest didi's turn to eat! I was shocked because the problem was the last time big koko get to eat because didi has previously eaten too. So this time should be my turn! Like a light-bulb lidda this question came up in me: \"What about me?
I must be in lower primary only but this forms my life-long memory until now, the middle-child syndrome! Hee...hee...!
Blind spot- good analogy. I must remember that. -
My brother is the middle child but elder son. Super bao bei yeh. Where got middle child syndrome
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I have only two kids so no middle child to deal with. I am however a middle child myself. And much as we want to say we will not overlook the middle child I think sometimes the demands of the day to day stuff and dealing with the needs of our kids may result in us unconsciously ‘neglecting’ the middle child.
Growing up, I get listen to jiejie, she is older, give in to mei mei she is still small. My schedule is dependent on my elder sis’ time table or my younger sis’ routine. Even till this day, our gatherings are pretty much driven by my elder sis’ schedule.
A lot of such things happened without my parents actually being aware that they are doing so. They are driven by circumstances. But to me, everyone else’s needs came first. As a parent myself now, I understand how and why it was such, but growing up there was resentment. And it did shape who I am now.
So my point is most parent will not intentionally and blatantly give less attention to one child or another but it will still happen. And what is more important is how things are perceived by the child, not, whether or not that is the intention of the adult. -
There is a tendency for parents to ask the elder children to give in to the younger one. My middle child viewed this as "unfair", said she wished she was the youngest. I have stopped asking her to give in to meimei, I think this helps make her feel more "balanced".
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I believe I can relate to this as I am the middle child as well.
I am 23 this year and trust me, this middle child syndrome is sadly real. For me, its sad cos its pretty much like what most of the other middle child says. Being invisible at times, or in my case, too noticeable. In all honesty, I did ask around, among my friends and sometimes even people that I meet at work, how are their middle child at home is being treated. Most of the time, they are able to relate to me. Of cos there are always the outliers, where they are treated really nice. Pretty ironic for this to be called middle child syndrome cos the way you are treated is quite extremist.
As for me, I would say that my situation isn’t exactly the worse but bad enough to make me cry and get so frustrated about it. Sure enough, my siblings have their strong points and so do I. This is the classic case of siblings being smarter and doing better academically and me, I am not that smart of a person. To make up for it, I believe I have the better temper among my siblings.
As we are all grown ups, our house stopped hiring domestic help and both our parents are working. Household chores are left to us and our parents help out as well. I am grateful for that. However, as time progresses, both my siblings didn’t like doing the chores and kinda just stopped doing. Slowly, my parents just asked me to do. I am pretty ok with that as I already mentioned my temper is the better one out of the two of them. (Much too good I think.)
I get very frustrated whenever they call my name to do things at home. Even the smallest chore, I get called every single time. I don’t mind if I am the only one at home, but even when all my siblings are at home, I still get called. True, sometimes they might be studying and I am doing nothing. Fine. I gladly do. But when they are lazing around like me, I still get called. I mean, if you can buy my name for 4d, I am sure it will strike first prize all the time at my home.
For me, its not that I do not want to do anything for my parents, but I just wish they would practice fairness. Its just that simple. Heck, I would even do it for them if they called my siblings to do and they got rejected. I just hate the fact that even before they decide to ask my siblings to do, the first name they call is mine. Many people said for me to talk it out. I did. Trust me. I really did.
My dad even told me about this middle child syndrome and said that they were aware of it. But till now, its pretty much just saying and not doing anything.
As if being called to do household chores is not bad enough, it even got to the point where I am being maligned for nothing. Like if someone forgets to turn off the toilet light, I would get accused. Or like my name would pop out first. Or they would ask me first if I was the one who forgotten to turn it off. You might be thinking that since they always think of me first, perhaps when there is good things I will also be called first right? Sadly I have no idea why that doesn’t work for good stuff.
Even up to this point, my mother is using her CPF for my brother’s uni fees and my father’s for my sister’s. So I am left with getting a loan for my tuition fees. Its true that I am not studying in a local uni like SMU or NUS. I am currently studying in SIM. But that doesn’t mean I get left out.
I do not blame my parents. Maybe it is indeed true that I don’t live up to their expectations for studies and perhaps not deserve anything much. I believe in working for things rather than getting it automatically. Still it pains me as they are my parents and I want them to not treat me so.
Wow. This is quite a long rant. Hahah! Sorry ah. All in all, I just feel that parents should not start having double standards towards their kids. Whether it is on purpose or not, please treat them all the same. Love them for who they are and work on their strong points and not always compare their weak points to the other siblings or cousins. I hate it especially when they compare me with my cousins or other people’s son. In the back of my head, I would be thinking, "If they are that good, then get them to be your son instead." And that I believe, leads me to nowhere and only makes me feel even worse.
Children can’t chose their parents as well as parents can’t choose their children. So why not just love each other and live happily in harmony? -
sleepy:
My brother is the middle child but elder son. Super bao bei yeh. Where got middle child syndrome
Hi sleepy,
You are right, this \"middle-child syndrome\" is not totally the same and I believe is much dependent on the order of the siblings!
For eg. although I am a middle-child, I am the only GIRL in-between 2 brothers. So no matter what, I cannot be ignored much because the clothes I wear are different, when puberty came I got period lah etc...( you get my drift?
). So I have never felt neglected. Can also attribute to the fact that I am much better in my studies compared to my bros hence I was hardly called upon to do housework or wash the dishes! 
BUT, if the order is such that first 2 kids are boys and last one a girl, or all 3 kids are boys, or all 3 kids are girls, or first 2 kids are girls last one boy. Wah lau, the middle one I tell you SURE kerna neglected one way or the other and that is when parents must be aware and make conscious effort to engage the middle child!
Common sense and also as a parent myself will tell that the middle kid will almost always get hand-me-downs from the elder sibling. And focus of parent will always be on the eldest (where everything to the parent will be new) or the youngest (always got to pay special attention to youngest). The middle child is neither here nor there and will ALWAYS be neither the oldest or the youngest!
My colleague has 3 boys and she too told me her middle son (now in uni) recently accused them of being unfair. Unfairly good to the eldest child and lax in study standards for the youngest. I told her about my chicken drumstick incident and we had a good laugh about it. But it gave her some serious food for thought and she said she must go back and discuss with her husband about it. Somehow they had unconsciously neglected their middle kid....
:grphug: -
notakidnoraparent:
Hi notakidnoraparent,I believe I can relate to this as I am the middle child as well.
I am 23 this year and trust me, this middle child syndrome is sadly real. For me, its sad cos its pretty much like what most of the other middle child says. Being invisible at times, or in my case, too noticeable. In all honesty, I did ask around, among my friends and sometimes even people that I meet at work, how are their middle child at home is being treated. Most of the time, they are able to relate to me. Of cos there are always the outliers, where they are treated really nice. Pretty ironic for this to be called middle child syndrome cos the way you are treated is quite extremist.
Thank you very much for sharing with us on this forum!
I believe you are a great kid (ok 23 is no longer a kid ya?) and really nice of you to be helping out with the house-work!
People have told you to speak up but I can understand how difficult it is to bring up such a subject, especially you mentioned your parents are both working as well? For me, most times such frustrations would be vented out through quarreling with my mother. Although I won't recommend you to quarrel but quarreling is also a form of communication whereby one's feelings get to be aired out in the open. Like I mentioned, my colleague's middle kid only recently passed some remarks about unfairness and he should be about 19 or 20 already. Imagine his parents must be shocked because am sure he must have felted unfairly treated for years already.
One good silver lining is that next time when you ARE a parent and have many kids, you sure will understand about this syndrome and be a fair parent yourself. At least, I hope so! -
Yah, that's why I said parents are not even aware that they are doing what they are doing.
Growing up, I think, I have the most freedom compared to both my sisters. But instead of seeing it as freedom or a vote of confidence from my parents, I see it as them being uninterested in me. My younger sis envied me while I envied her and my elder sis for the 'interest' my parents showed in their movements in and out of the house.
And I think being the middle child, I wanted my parents' approval so I started helping about in the house. But instead of getting the approval I crave, I ended up being the one they will task to do chores around the house while my sisters don't have to. Again, during that time, I resented that. But now, I know why I was the one they keep getting to do chores. Cos when they ask me, the chores are done, if they ask either sisters, it is either not done or half done. So they turn to the most effective one. haha. So that was actually my own fault. Well the problem is when I flared up and protested, instead of telling me it is because they can count on me and they appreciate that, I got scolded instead. And ended up all 3 of us siblings kenna long lectures from my Dad about helping out in the house and I became the bad guy that got everyone in trouble. :razz:
But really, being the middle child is not all bad. I got away with a lot more things then either sisters. And I was also super lucky as I had a grandma and uncle whe dote on me a lot so I turn to them for the attention that I was not getting from my parents I guess. -
Funz:
So my point is most parent will not intentionally and blatantly give less attention to one child or another but it will still happen. And what is more important is how things are perceived by the child, not, whether or not that is the intention of the adult.
Agree with you, Funz. As a middle-child ourselves, we learn to live with it, watching the world revolving around us (by-passing I mean, hee....hee...). I am grateful to my mother for being very conscious about it, that neither one of us would feel that she is being unfair. She would take pains to explain the rationale behind and make sure we understand her action so that none of us would feel bad about it. For eg. in my teens, she would cook chicken soup for me after my period and my elder brother felt she was being unfairly good to me. He thought my mother preferred me because I was much better in studies. But she took pains to explain to my brother that the soup is only for women and he cannot eat, not that she is slighting him. So he understood and did not hold the grudge inside him.
As for me, in order not to have the middle-child syndrome, I am prepared to stop at two, although I much wanted to have 3 kids! -
Does it mean when you have four kids, the middle two will be prone to middle child syndrome?
As I thought about this MCS thing, it is not whether spending equal time with all children that will contribute to it. But children can sense favoritism. Am I right to say that?
Then of course a catalyst to cause MCS might also be order of gender in the home.
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