In-law problems?

[coolit]

Hi Simz,


Perhaps you could ask your hubby to tell your inlaws that you have already found a
place to stay? Hubby talk to his own parents better than you talk to them about this.

For difficult decisions, my hubby leaves it to me to tell my parents and he will tell
his parents. Less room for understanding I find.

[auntieM]

I have nothing against celebrating birthdays within close kins..

But when it is a yearly affair with a whole load of people..
Relatives and friends will also make comments like, 'again ah' or 'ang pow' day..
For my MIL its all about precious showtime..
Really :oops:

Juz :rant:

[MMM]

coolit:

Hi Simz,


Perhaps you could ask your hubby to tell your inlaws that you have already found a
place to stay? Hubby talk to his own parents better than you talk to them about this.

For difficult decisions, my hubby leaves it to me to tell my parents and he will tell
his parents. Less room for understanding I find.

I agree with coolit. I have been married for 12 years and staying with pils since day 1. Hubby is only son with 4 sisters. We adopt this approach. He will communicate to his parents and I will communicate to my parents on some decisions. So far, it's working well.

Eg. mil did my 1st confinement much to my mum's dismay. As mil is very very lazy and if not for my mum who actually brought additional food/ tonic for me, it's quite badly done. Eg. she would just steam a fish + minced meat as confinement meal. Cook same meal everyday... When my mum brought tonic with chicken, she was like???? should not eat tonic/ chicken now. Mum was .... not now then when????

For 2nd and 3rd child, I went back to mum's house to do confinement. I am the only child so it's fine. Heard from mum that for some family, if there are siblings at home, they avoid that as unlucky for the male.... Anyway, hubby communicate to his mum. I was not involved at all. Pils visited the baby at 12th day. Mum was like???? own grandchild only visit at 12th day? Also the 2nd and 3rd were mildly premature and mum was like... baby so small never come and see them more????

Despite all these, our relationship is quite amicable. Gathered that mil probably found it a relief that mum was doing my confinement instead???

Needless to say, my kids are closer to my mum as compared to my mil though we stay under the same roof as they were staying at my mum's place till K2. My mum is alot more passionate about her grandchildren probably since I am the only child while mil has a total of 10 grandchildren and already had 6 before ours came along. It was nothing new for her.

[Angelight]

:hugs: Linlin, i can empathise with you cos your hubby is the only son, so naturally you will face more stress as the only DIL. But I'm no better, cos MIL has 2 DILs and she favors one over the other. Comparison no end. Stress not lesser either.

Linlin:

I used to think that if you love someone you will accept everything of him. But in law.. I think to me the toughest to handling both fil and mil. Especially when you are the only dil. I'm not a happy mum, I never had good support when I'm preg. No one welcomes my babies and my mil don't want me to get preg soon after our wed cos she haven't enjoy enough of her freedom. Whenever I see mil and fil, I will feel stress and upset. DH is one of the reason that worsen my relationship with them coz he will complain about me at my back like I quarrel with him. (My in laws dotes him a lot so if I quarrel with him even though is his fault they will still blame me)

[Funz]

MMM:

Pils visited the baby at 12th day. Mum was like???? own grandchild only visit at 12th day? Also the 2nd and 3rd were mildly premature and mum was like... baby so small never come and see them more????


Despite all these, our relationship is quite amicable. Gathered that mil probably found it a relief that mum was doing my confinement instead???

Same with my PILs especially with DS. They visited me at the hospital and that's it, the next time they saw the baby was during the 1 mth celebration. My mum commented on it too but told my mum I prefer it this way actually, between the sleepless nights and breast feeding and the discomfort from the delivery, I don't want to have to entertain them.

To my MIL's credit, she did try to make something for my 1st confinement, zhu jiao cu, unfortunately, I am allergic to vinegar so did not eat at all. Haha. I thought just accept the item, thank her profusely can oredi. But she insisted that I eat it then, so no choice gotta tell her I cannot eat so much vinegar as it is one of the triggers for my asthma.

So it is still better for our own mums to do our confinements. They know better what we can eat or like to eat and I guess we will be more comfortable with our own mums too.

PILs and I had our rough start more so because of some influence of their other relatives, if they don't listen to those relatives, they are generally pretty ok. But over the years, I guess we have come to an amicable understanding. I am also lucky that DH stands by my side most of the time, that makes a lot of things easier.

[MMM]

Funz:

To my MIL's credit, she did try to make something for my 1st confinement, zhu jiao cu, unfortunately, I am allergic to vinegar so did not eat at all. Haha. I thought just accept the item, thank her profusely can oredi. But she insisted that I eat it then, so no choice gotta tell her I cannot eat so much vinegar as it is one of the triggers for my asthma.

That is something that my mil will make too for all my confinement. However, I never have any of it. I usually like vinegar but I cannot tahan the zhu jiao cu smell. So it's my hubby and sil who will end up enjoying the dish. Yah own mum is always better as we can place orders unlike mil.

[The Simz]

Maybe I’m too sensitive to be asked to attend a a celebration just as I step out of the mandai crementation. Maybe my tolerance level really not high enough. Just thought it’s so ridiculous for my sil to insist that I go for that celebration.


AuntieM
At least, your trouble has lessen a lot, compared to yrs ago? Hee hee, I read all the post in this thread, which is a comfort to see I’m not e only one.

Janet, Funz
Their married daughter, my elder sil, is very close to them. So I guess they are selective tradition. Those that benefit them, they said it tradition and those not beneficial, they said it’s the modern world, no need to follow tradition.

Coolit & MMM
I overheard my hub talking to my fil and he insist that I stay at his place though my hub already reject the offer for me. Now I’m so worried that he will turn up in e airport and have a game of tussle with my mum. Their house has a vacant room now cos they just sent my grand mil to an old folks home. The grand mil is also another terror!

[MMM]

The Simz:

Coolit & MMM

I overheard my hub talking to my fil and he insist that I stay at his place though my hub already reject the offer for me. Now I'm so worried that he will turn up in e airport and have a game of tussle with my mum. Their house has a vacant room now cos they just sent my grand mil to an old folks home. The grand mil is also another terror!

Not sure if it helps. Don't let them know the flight details and exactly when you will be back. Ask your hubby to mention only after you are back.

I recalled when I first got married, everything hubby goes for reservist, I would go back to my parents' place to stay. On the pretext that I am on the only child But when kids come along, it's different.

[Chenonceau]

The Simz:

Coolit & MMM

I overheard my hub talking to my fil and he insist that I stay at his place though my hub already reject the offer for me. Now I'm so worried that he will turn up in e airport and have a game of tussle with my mum. Their house has a vacant room now cos they just sent my grand mil to an old folks home. The grand mil is also another terror!

You own your person and are a voting adult? If you can decide what government you want in this country, you can decide where you want to pass the night, surely. It would be perfectly appropriate to nicely tell your PIL to his face that you would like to spend more time with your parents and have decided to stay at their place.

Does not that sound reasonable?

[Chenonceau]

Funz:

I will celebrate the birthdays and all even after the death of someone close. Will not be a big affair but celebration all the same. I don't think we should deprive a celebration of an event of someone who is alive and in this world with us just because someone died. I tend to think, all the more we should have these small celebrations and treasure them. screwed view?

Nope... not at all. Everyone in the family has a right to a bit of love and consideration. It isn't a zero sum game. Just because we respect the elderly does not mean that the little ones must sacrifice. Everyone can get a bit of love.