Money is an angel or a monster to relationship?

[concern2]

There are many reasons why people feel money is important. However, it is when there is no limit put on "how much is enough", and /or at the expense of other more important things that money is evil.


Although there are things DH and I often argue about, it is rarely money. This is also something DH’s parents and my parents hardly argue over. So it seems the perception of money is formed from young, within the family and upbringing.

Chocolatebar, if you feel it isn’t, and should not be something that will cause problems with loved ones, try asking yourself if you could let go. "If you want, take it" mindset - be out of the game. If not, could it be due to other reasons like justice? Or lack of other qualities within the members like empathy and compassion? Sometimes, if one everyone can have a bit more empathy and compassion for each other, the money issue becomes a minor problem. This is important not just to resolve issues at hand. It affects the way our children perceive money too…Just my 2 cents worth.

[chocolatebar]

concern2:

There are many reasons why people feel money is important. However, it is when there is no limit put on \"how much is enough\", and /or at the expense of other more important things that money is evil.


Although there are things DH and I often argue about, it is rarely money. This is also something DH's parents and my parents hardly argue over. So it seems the perception of money is formed from young, within the family and upbringing.

Chocolatebar, if you feel it isn't, and should not be something that will cause problems with loved ones, try asking yourself if you could let go. \"If you want, take it\" mindset - be out of the game. If not, could it be due to other reasons like justice? Or lack of other qualities within the members like empathy and compassion? Sometimes, if one everyone can have a bit more empathy and compassion for each other, the money issue becomes a minor problem. This is important not just to resolve issues at hand. It affects the way our children perceive money too...Just my 2 cents worth.

[quote]I dun know..but i think coz of my parent, my mind set for money is quite anyhow, i mean i didnt take seriously of tis matter. if i got money then i use, if i dun ve then tat s it. (of course single can do things like tis if married sure cannot).i seldom buy shirt or jean or other things i dun need (things for fun i wont buy definitely). i dun wish to be controlled by money. People are greedy. We wont feel satisfied. [/quote]

[Strparent]

sleepy:

Condition 1 - wife is sensible in spending & shown that she 持家有道.
Condition 2 - husband loves wife more than his money or possessions.

I can't think of any reason to argue over money if above conditions are met

Sleepy,

I think you got it backwards :evil: :evil:
it should be :
Condition 1 - husband is sensible in spending & shown that he 持家有道.
Condition 2 - wife loves husband and children more than money or possessions.

:siam: :siam:

[chocolatebar]

insider:

chocolatebar:

I am kinda person who always have a thought tat is money really a big matter tat enough to kill all the feeling and the relationship you build for years? SIGH! Whyyyyyy have to argue over money??

A person usually shapes his/her perception of the value of money around what his parents believe though not always. If the parents are thrifty, then the child is likely to be such; etc. If one parent is thrifty and one parent is not, then the child (such as you) will require some 'intelligence' to sift out for yourself what is 'right' or 'wrong' (as to which direction you are more inclined to).

Your dad wants to sponsor your uncle and your mum refuses, basically this is a common issue between husband and wife as to 'how to spend money'. Both parties are not wrong coz supporting one's own sibling is correct (unless maybe that sibling is a 'eat waste rice' person') and saving money for one's own family is also not wrong. Your parents actually should settle this score behind children's back and if want to discuss with the children, should discuss it in a calm manner instead of currently I believe they are quite hostile when discussing this matter and thereby affecting you somehow.

If you are matured enough, face their hostile finger pointing at each other with minimal effect if possible. See from their points of views and whoever 'wins' the score, the other party is also a winner (coz both are not really fighting money for money sake but rather it's a fight of belief and value. To make the comparison simpler, it's something like a fight of one saying Christinity is better, the other saying Buddhism is better when both are as good. When you can see through that they are chasing each other in meaningless circles, then perhaps you can 'enjoy' their quarrels instead of feeling frustrated).

A child is a lucky one if he can have stable and matured enough parents who know what to say and what not to say in front of kids. If the child is not so unlucky to have such parents, then he may have to count his blessings by thinking to himself that he can get to watch a challenge of wills between two parties, the results, and the ultimate reconciliation between the two - a process if the child is wise enough, can learn a lot of things...

[quote]yea, as you say, both r rite, n as a daughter i cant interfere also. my dad told me tis n my mum told me tis. They r both rite just the value different. my dad think there is a responsiblity for him to give money for his brother to study n help them n my mum argue coz they nvr return back money n she say we earn money very hard why we ve to \"give\" away tat. Tat s why they quarrel very fierce. haiz. I cant solve the problem also. Till now, they still cannot negotiate tis issue. I m afraid at the end they divorce. I dun wish tat happen. SIGH![/quote]

[chocolatebar]

insider:

chocolatebar


I will share a small story with you that touches on the value of money.

Last Friday I wanted to take a cab to my friend's house for mahjong. I saw a dark coloured taxi coming and I thought it was a 'black' one (limo) and so I didn't raise my hand to flag it.

When the cab approached nearer, it was a dark purple cab and so I flagged and took it.

I chatted with the elderly cabman in the car and related to him I thought his is a black limo and I didn't flag etc.

Our conversation:

Cab: How much can you save between taking a limo and a regular cab?

Me: Emm...about $5.

Cab: Is $5 very important to you?

Me: Not really lah.

Cab: How often you see a black limo?

Me: Seldom.

Cab: If $5 is not very important to you and you seldom meet a black limo, why not you consider taking it next time if you meet one? There are only 200 black limo in Singapore and actually chances of one seeing it is not so high. Your not-so-important $5 is helping that black limo cabman to feed his family. Life's short and one should not cling on to money so tightly. 'Over-count' is no good.

Me: Oh, uncle, thank you for reminding me on this important lesson that I should have known. I forget about my role to contribute to the economy and I have thrifted unnecessarily. Next time I will hop on a limo when I see one.

Cab: Ya, that should be the way. If you can afford, you pay for services, even though they are more expensive. Anyway, on average the limo's fare is about 50% higher than the regular one. So, if you are travelling short journey, the fare difference maybe only a few dollars but it can be in terms of tens if you are travelling far. (meaning if really want to save, skip limo only for far journey, otherwise, close eyes and hop on).

Me: Thank you, uncle!

So, above conversation reflects one's value of money which I am more subscribed towards the cabman's belief (but sometimes I may forget and go back to my habit of thrifting).

Imagine a mum and a dad with a kid waiting for a taxi. So the black limo comes. The dad wants to hop in and the mum says no with the kid looking at each other left and right. So, it's not really about money but it's about one's value on money...

[quote]Thanks for ur little story. yea,the value. My dad once told me he could have divorced w my mum if he is not strong enough. I just cant simpply forget wat he said. It s tooooo shocking. Since young I tot my parent love each other a lotttttt. however, i think they do, but the value of them is totally different. tat s why my mum keep on saying they r not suitable for each other. As a daughter, of course I dun wish they divorce but as a woman I encourage my mum divorce. What a ironic situation.[/quote]

[chocolatebar]

insider:

chocolatebar:

yea, as you say, both r rite, n as a daughter i cant interfere also. my dad told me tis n my mum told me tis. They r both rite just the value different. my dad think there is a responsiblity for him to give money for his brother to study n help them n my mum argue coz they nvr return back money n she say we earn money very hard why we ve to \"give\" away tat. Tat s why they quarrel very fierce. haiz. I cant solve the problem also. Till now, they still cannot negotiate tis issue. I m afraid at the end they divorce. I dun wish tat happen. SIGH!

I have three kids.

My eldest daughter told me that after her PhD (if she manages to complete one), she will support my second son for his tertiary education. This is a pact that we made when she uses a significant proportion of the family's finances for her education.

So, in future after she marries, her husband may not be agreeable to her supporting her sibling. She has to think of a way to negotiate with him for that.

A good proposal for your parents maybe your dad can use only his money to support his sibling while cannot touch your mum's... (but women are generally more troublesome coz they tend to have this notion that \"your money is my money and my money is my own money\". Women generally need money and more money to feel more 'secured'.)

[quote]They r both working in a company. My dad is the boss n my mum helps him. Tat s why the situation getting worse coz my mum's money is my dad's money, my dad's money is my mum's money , they cant be separate. sooooooo.....the situation r so complicated. They cant even think of solution till now.[/quote]

[Oppsgal]

If a relative ask you to pay items for him first and pay you back later. But later, didn’t do so… maybe forgot. Will you ask for the money back?

[chocolatebar]

insider:

chocolatebar:

n my mum argue coz they nvr return back money n she say we earn money very hard why we ve to \"give\" away tat. Tat s why they quarrel very fierce. haiz. I cant solve the problem also. Till now, they still cannot negotiate tis issue. I m afraid at the end they divorce. I dun wish tat happen. SIGH!

what do you think of your uncle? good man or an 'eat waste rice' man?

if 'good' man, your dad should definitely support (of course must be within means); never mind about if really at the end don't get back the money. This kind of kind 'seed' once sown will have unknown results.

When your mum is in a better mood, maybe you can share with her that by agreeing your dad to support his brother's studies, your dad may get to work harder. Somehow, by trying to make/force the money ' stay put' in one's bank account, your dad may subsequently splurge it on a' third woman' if that sum of money is not meant to be sitting safely in the bank account in the first place. From the very brief details that I get to know from your writing, the sum of money in your parents' bank account seems to be in a 'move' stage (动态)and it has to go out in one way or another (and so sponsoring uncle's studies is much better than spending it on medical bills of someone or third woman or etc).

Money in and money out...we should count but should never over-count else at the end, the 'counter' may get hurt by own counting...

PS: Perhaps your dad can get his brother to sign an IOU but usually men don't do such thing. Your uncle should sign coz your dad is a very good brother and he may know his financial needs is giving his brother some family problems. Actually your uncle if matured enough should propose an IOU himself... (but men are men, don't really have 'detailed brain'...)

[quote]My dad wont wan his bro to write iou. my uncle wont write also. tat s weird for men to do when they are even bro. My uncle is a good man he love studying. But lots of my uncles they borrow money from my dad. tat s why my mum fed up.==\"[/quote]

[chocolatebar]

Oppsgal:

If a relative ask you to pay items for him first and pay you back later. But later, didn't do so... maybe forgot. Will you ask for the money back?

[quote]Depend on the amount. if big then ve to ask back if small then forget it. [/quote]

[LOLMum]

Oppsgal:

If a relative ask you to pay items for him first and pay you back later. But later, didn't do so... maybe forgot. Will you ask for the money back?

after 3 or 4 reminders and still didnt pay back, if less than $100, then forget it. but if she ask to help her buy again, just remind her about the money owed and say need the $$$ to help her buy her new stuff.

i would prefer not to entertain her request at all. if forced to agree, i still wont get the stuff. simply tell her too busy and no money to pay for the things if she calls to ask for the stuff.