Money is an angel or a monster to relationship?
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insider:
[quote]Thanks for ur little story.chocolatebar
I will share a small story with you that touches on the value of money.
Last Friday I wanted to take a cab to my friend's house for mahjong. I saw a dark coloured taxi coming and I thought it was a 'black' one (limo) and so I didn't raise my hand to flag it.
When the cab approached nearer, it was a dark purple cab and so I flagged and took it.
I chatted with the elderly cabman in the car and related to him I thought his is a black limo and I didn't flag etc.
Our conversation:
Cab: How much can you save between taking a limo and a regular cab?
Me: Emm...about $5.
Cab: Is $5 very important to you?
Me: Not really lah.
Cab: How often you see a black limo?
Me: Seldom.
Cab: If $5 is not very important to you and you seldom meet a black limo, why not you consider taking it next time if you meet one? There are only 200 black limo in Singapore and actually chances of one seeing it is not so high. Your not-so-important $5 is helping that black limo cabman to feed his family. Life's short and one should not cling on to money so tightly. 'Over-count' is no good.
Me: Oh, uncle, thank you for reminding me on this important lesson that I should have known. I forget about my role to contribute to the economy and I have thrifted unnecessarily. Next time I will hop on a limo when I see one.
Cab: Ya, that should be the way. If you can afford, you pay for services, even though they are more expensive. Anyway, on average the limo's fare is about 50% higher than the regular one. So, if you are travelling short journey, the fare difference maybe only a few dollars but it can be in terms of tens if you are travelling far. (meaning if really want to save, skip limo only for far journey, otherwise, close eyes and hop on).
Me: Thank you, uncle!
So, above conversation reflects one's value of money which I am more subscribed towards the cabman's belief (but sometimes I may forget and go back to my habit of thrifting).
Imagine a mum and a dad with a kid waiting for a taxi. So the black limo comes. The dad wants to hop in and the mum says no with the kid looking at each other left and right. So, it's not really about money but it's about one's value on money...
yea,the value. My dad once told me he could have divorced w my mum if he is not strong enough. I just cant simpply forget wat he said. It s tooooo shocking. Since young I tot my parent love each other a lotttttt. however, i think they do, but the value of them is totally different. tat s why my mum keep on saying they r not suitable for each other. As a daughter, of course I dun wish they divorce but as a woman I encourage my mum divorce. What a ironic situation.[/quote]
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insider:
[quote]They r both working in a company. My dad is the boss n my mum helps him. Tat s why the situation getting worse coz my mum's money is my dad's money, my dad's money is my mum's money , they cant be separate. sooooooo.....the situation r so complicated. They cant even think of solution till now.[/quote]chocolatebar:
yea, as you say, both r rite, n as a daughter i cant interfere also. my dad told me tis n my mum told me tis. They r both rite just the value different. my dad think there is a responsiblity for him to give money for his brother to study n help them n my mum argue coz they nvr return back money n she say we earn money very hard why we ve to \"give\" away tat. Tat s why they quarrel very fierce. haiz. I cant solve the problem also. Till now, they still cannot negotiate tis issue. I m afraid at the end they divorce. I dun wish tat happen. SIGH!
I have three kids.
My eldest daughter told me that after her PhD (if she manages to complete one), she will support my second son for his tertiary education. This is a pact that we made when she uses a significant proportion of the family's finances for her education.
So, in future after she marries, her husband may not be agreeable to her supporting her sibling. She has to think of a way to negotiate with him for that.
A good proposal for your parents maybe your dad can use only his money to support his sibling while cannot touch your mum's... (but women are generally more troublesome coz they tend to have this notion that \"your money is my money and my money is my own money\". Women generally need money and more money to feel more 'secured'.) -
If a relative ask you to pay items for him first and pay you back later. But later, didn’t do so… maybe forgot. Will you ask for the money back?
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insider:
[quote]My dad wont wan his bro to write iou. my uncle wont write also. tat s weird for men to do when they are even bro. My uncle is a good man he love studying. But lots of my uncles they borrow money from my dad. tat s why my mum fed up.==\"[/quote]chocolatebar:
n my mum argue coz they nvr return back money n she say we earn money very hard why we ve to \"give\" away tat. Tat s why they quarrel very fierce. haiz. I cant solve the problem also. Till now, they still cannot negotiate tis issue. I m afraid at the end they divorce. I dun wish tat happen. SIGH!
what do you think of your uncle? good man or an 'eat waste rice' man?
if 'good' man, your dad should definitely support (of course must be within means); never mind about if really at the end don't get back the money. This kind of kind 'seed' once sown will have unknown results.
When your mum is in a better mood, maybe you can share with her that by agreeing your dad to support his brother's studies, your dad may get to work harder. Somehow, by trying to make/force the money ' stay put' in one's bank account, your dad may subsequently splurge it on a' third woman' if that sum of money is not meant to be sitting safely in the bank account in the first place. From the very brief details that I get to know from your writing, the sum of money in your parents' bank account seems to be in a 'move' stage (动态)and it has to go out in one way or another (and so sponsoring uncle's studies is much better than spending it on medical bills of someone or third woman or etc).
Money in and money out...we should count but should never over-count else at the end, the 'counter' may get hurt by own counting...
PS: Perhaps your dad can get his brother to sign an IOU but usually men don't do such thing. Your uncle should sign coz your dad is a very good brother and he may know his financial needs is giving his brother some family problems. Actually your uncle if matured enough should propose an IOU himself... (but men are men, don't really have 'detailed brain'...) -
Oppsgal:
If a relative ask you to pay items for him first and pay you back later. But later, didn't do so... maybe forgot. Will you ask for the money back?
[quote]Depend on the amount. if big then ve to ask back if small then forget it. [/quote]
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Oppsgal:
If a relative ask you to pay items for him first and pay you back later. But later, didn't do so... maybe forgot. Will you ask for the money back?
after 3 or 4 reminders and still didnt pay back, if less than $100, then forget it. but if she ask to help her buy again, just remind her about the money owed and say need the $$$ to help her buy her new stuff.
i would prefer not to entertain her request at all. if forced to agree, i still wont get the stuff. simply tell her too busy and no money to pay for the things if she calls to ask for the stuff. -
钱不是万能的，但没钱却是万万不能。
Money is an angel when it is enough, a monster when it is not enough.
So, enough or not depends on the supply and demand.
If you cannot control supply ,control the demand (i.e. urges, desires).
If it gets out of control, it’ll turn into a monster. -
chocolatebar:
w/o going into details, I feel, there's a simple way to end the stalemate.
They r both working in a company. My dad is the boss n my mum helps him. Tat s why the situation getting worse coz my mum's money is my dad's money, my dad's money is my mum's money , they cant be separate. sooooooo.....the situation r so complicated. They cant even think of solution till now.
Like you say, your dad's money is your mom's and vice versa.
Hence, there should be mutual understanding that any money that flows out of the family requires the consent of both parties.
If your mom refuses to let the money goes out, your dad should respect it. He can try all ways and means to convince your mom, that's his right. But if your mom refuse, then no means no.. he should respect it. No one will have the upper hand on how the money is spend. and that should end all the arguments.
Next time, when your mom needs to spend out of the family, your dad can always exercise his veto rights.. :evil: :evil:
W/o mutual respect and common understandings, it is very difficult to stick together.. thru thick and thin.. -
insider:
[quote]i m 21 ady, my mom 41 my dad 46. my parent got me then married, i m the eldest one. that s why i ve to take more responsibility than my two dun know anything sisters. everything i know n tat makes me feel even more pathetic. Their conflict nvr end as long as they work tgt n my mom gives money to my grandma n my dad gives money to my uncles. The gap is toooooo deep tat cant possibly to sort out. My mom once got depression after crying in the midnite for two years n my dad dun even know bout it. but now she ok ady via doing exercise. My dad is very stress on principal things, if he think tis thing is rite then he ll just do it without thinking(like he gives money to my uncles), my mom also very hot temper, n she wont give in means she wont. tat s why, things become more n more worse. I told them to see counseller but in JB u cant really find counseller for marriage. [/quote]chocolatebar:
As a daughter, of course I dun wish they divorce but as a woman I encourage my mum divorce. What a ironic situation.
chocolatebar,
can share how old are you and the ages of your parents?
Why you are in this ironic situation of \"As a daughter, of course I dun wish they divorce but as a woman I encourage my mum divorce\"?
In a marriage, there bound to be conflicts and the parties need to iron them out. This kind of 'money issue' actually is no big deal in a marriage that doesn't warrant a divorce (money cannot buy a marriage), unless your parents are having other more serious conflicts.
Pertaining to this conflict over money, your parents just need to each take a step backward and then move on, modelling to you how to give and take instead of two parties also headstrong (I will say your mum needs to back off and allows your dad to sponsor. Your dad may return her with more kindness that will strengthen the marriage). Never win the battle but lose the war; it's just so unwise and may regret one day...
Emmm...maybe your parents should go for some counselling courses (coz this money issue is really not a big issue if one were to step outside the issue and look at it. it's the both parties who are too heated inside who may feel cannot resolve...)
退一步，海阔天空... -
limlim:
[quote]My dad wont give in. His bro got troubles means he got trouble n he ll take money out without hestitation. haha[/quote]
w/o going into details, I feel, there's a simple way to end the stalemate.chocolatebar:
They r both working in a company. My dad is the boss n my mum helps him. Tat s why the situation getting worse coz my mum's money is my dad's money, my dad's money is my mum's money , they cant be separate. sooooooo.....the situation r so complicated. They cant even think of solution till now.
Like you say, your dad's money is your mom's and vice versa.
Hence, there should be mutual understanding that any money that flows out of the family requires the consent of both parties.
If your mom refuses to let the money goes out, your dad should respect it. He can try all ways and means to convince your mom, that's his right. But if your mom refuse, then no means no.. he should respect it. No one will have the upper hand on how the money is spend. and that should end all the arguments.
Next time, when your mom needs to spend out of the family, your dad can always exercise his veto rights.. :evil: :evil:
W/o mutual respect and common understandings, it is very difficult to stick together.. thru thick and thin..
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