Is cry & adapt the only way out
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Chenonceau:
On hindsight after \"experimenting\" w 2 kids of different characters, I agreed w this.There is actually a more gentle way out... Neither of my 2 cried when I left them in school. Here is how I did it...
http://petunialee.blogspot.com/2011/01/crying-in-preschool.html
DS1 was v timid & clingy so we brought him to a weekly session at MyGym for half a year b4 transiting him to a full day childcare when he was 2yo. Parents were required to participate w the kids during the 1st half of the session b4 the kids started to roam ard during free play w the equipments. That's when we would slowly let go of him, bit by bit, more & more, every session.
So, he did cried for the whole 1st week at childcare whenever we left him (1st 3 days were half days) but was ok after awhile (I returned to peep at him from windows & my separation anxiety seemed to b higher than his :slapshead: ).
This was more than 6yrs ago, so i m sure there r more such parent-participating programs on offer these days. Crying-it-out mildly, for a little while is ok, but not heart-brokenly, so it's more humane to ease an introvert child into separation.
I know the difference bcos I really regret not withdrawing DS1 from the same childcare immediately when he cried everyday horribly 1.5yrs later when he met some nasty teachers. Instead, I had waited for > half a yr until the year ended. The transformation in him at the PCF was so drastic. He became cheerful again.
As for DS2, I had to send him to half-day playgroup rather urgently when he was 19mo, as I had to get rid of my maid.
Luckily, the teachers were kind & flexible enough to let me accompany him as much as he needed me to, for almost 1 whole mth. I would ease myself away (when he tired of sitting onto my laps after an hr) or make some excuse to leave the class for time to time & lengthen my disappearance as much as I could stand it. At times, he would cry when he realised that I was gone. However, his teachers were caring enough to distract him w toys & kind words, so the crying was minimal most of the time. At times when I couldn't stand his howling, I would appear & told him I was at the washroom just now & there was no need for him to cry.
The results? He would walk into the school by himself & just wave goodbye (if he remembered me) after the adjustment period. Could even help teachers to console older but newer kids who were crying.
When the sch had to close down after its lease expired when he was 3.5yo, he had no problem adjusting to a PCF this yr at all. In fact, I don't even leave the car but let DS1 bring/fetch him to & from class after the 1st term.
DS2 is definitely more independent than DS1 at the same age but he still needs us to provide the sense of security until he gains it himself.
Whenever there is a social opportunity (story-telling sessions at library, live shows at malls, playgrounds etc), try to ease urself/caregiver away inch by inch. I find \"hiding\" behind newspapers at a nearby bench at playground v useful & insightful. :evil: -
Takes around less than a month to adapt for my kid for the first childcare went to. The recent childcare, hardly a day to adapt.
Starting, kid will cling a little to parents as don't really know what is happening and might be scare when parents leave them alone with strangers. That's when parents take a few days leave to accompany them to childcare and play together.
Then slowly the time to cling to parents should become shorter. Finally just a wave goodbye, the kid hardly bother you left for work. Then some parents will grow :gloomy: because kid never bother to say goodbye but run to the toys and play. -
My DD not only have the problem with separation anxiety but also stranger anxiety. I should say that my DD very extreme. She doesn,t allow strangers to talk to her let alone touch her. I am actually hoping to let go slowly. At least let her familiarise with the teachers, students & environment first. But all the preschools that I have visited told me that this method will not work. What they told me is the longer I sit in with my DD, the more difficult is for her to let go. All along I have been skeptical about what they said. So what they have told me is kind of untrue. But until now I have not been able to find a preschool that is flexible to give myself & my DD a chance to slowly let go.
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mymagicteddy:
My DD not only have the problem with separation anxiety but also stranger anxiety. She doesn,t allow strangers to even talk to her I am actually hoping to let go slowly like what you did. But all the preschools that I have visited told me that this method will not work. What they told me is the longer I sit in with my DD, the more difficult is for her to let go. All along I have been skeptical about they said. So what they have told me is kind of untrue. But until now I have not been able to find a preschool that is flexible to give myself & my DD a chance to slowly let go.
I did not start with preschool. I started with a playgroup of 1.5 hours three times a week... or was it 2... or 1 (I forget)? And perhaps all her anxiety is contributing to parent anxiety and that adds to her anxiety and round and round it goes. The whole process took 1 year.
Cry and adapt is faster. -
MagicTeddy, my son's with Cherie Hearts Nurtureloft at Bishan.
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Thank you ConcernedDaddy.
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mymagicteddy:
My DD not only have the problem with separation anxiety but also stranger anxiety. I should say that my DD very extreme. She doesn,t allow strangers to talk to her let alone touch her. I am actually hoping to let go slowly. At least let her familiarise with the teachers, students & environment first. But all the preschools that I have visited told me that this method will not work. What they told me is the longer I sit in with my DD, the more difficult is for her to let go. All along I have been skeptical about what they said. So what they have told me is kind of untrue. But until now I have not been able to find a preschool that is flexible to give myself & my DD a chance to slowly let go.
That reminds me of DS1. He used to cry whenever a stranger looked at him across the mkt. My friends had to pretend that he was transparent & could only peep covertly at him when we dine together. Fortunately, he managed to overcome it by the time he needed to go childcare.
Btw, DS2's ex-classmate/good buddy in his old sch was v shy & his mom actually wanted him to join DS2's new class at PCF so that there is a familiar face in a new environment. Unfortunately, DS2's class was full by the time she contacted me.
However, he managed to settle v well in DaySpring Kindergarten in Punggol. I've no idea how the sch did it but perhaps u could check it out? -
DS1 was also super clingy. Could not be left alone. I started him on a twice a week half day program when he was 2yo. I was in the US with no help at all, and I needed that breathing space to do my own thing. He cried whenever I left him. For two months. He would scream blue murder. My heart would break, and I felt like the world’s cruelest mum. But, I didn’t withdraw him, because the teachers were great. They would hold him, talk to him, comfort him. And within two to five minutes, he would be happy and playing. In fact, whenever it was pick-up time, he would be the last to leave coz he would want to play more. Gradually his crying became less intense. After two months, he stopped crying and was happy to go off by himself. I would never sneak off. I would always hug and kiss him and tell him I was going for awhile and come back to get him.
The same thing happened when we returned to Singapore. For a month he would cry whenever I left him. The teachers were equally good at handling him. and he would be ok soon enough.
In my experience, DS1 just never liked to be left alone in a strange situation. The teachers played a very important role. If they did not shower him with the attention he needed, I think I would’ve taken him out. I would never have put him in a situation where he was left to cry on his own. (I was allowed to spy on them, and I did so).
Of course I wish it could’ve been less stressful, but I didn’t have that luxury. For DS2, I was so afraid of having to go through the same cycle, but he just walked right in and never cried a tear! -
For my girl, yes.
I remembered she cried and refused to go to her nursery class back then until my mother in law gave up bringing her there. She said my girl aint ready for school (huh??) I quit my job the following year to settle her into N2. Same thing… Cried out blue (cry until sleep in school also) for 1st 2months and subsequently on and off… Thankfully the teachers were very experienced and patient… She eventually adapted herself after 6mths of drama… Imagine if my inlaw bring, forever not ready for school… -
Thank you Vevey. I will check it out.
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