In-law problems?

[janet88]

ectanz:

janet_lee88:

Even though hubby has other siblings, the old ones have preferences who they want to stay with. The mother likes this son, while the father may prefer another kid.

Ya agreed. I am not sure whether my hb is the favorite son of my MIL but since she doesn't really like me so staying together might be out of question for her. My hb hates her nagging n won't talk to her unless necessary unlike his bro.

You are lucky your hubby knows his mother's character.
His mother always says 'listen to eldest son'...phew, lucky mine isn't the eldest. His mother is the sort who can't stay with others.

[Chenonceau]

The problem with mine was that she kept asking to stay with us. She kept referring to this as a Chinese virtue and duty. Then one day, she said that it was good that we had invited her to stay with us because that will mean that my son in future will know that it is good to have me stay with him.


First off, I don’t wanna move in with my son because I dun know what kind of wife he will marry. Secondly, I dun even know if my son can buy a house big enough to welcome me. Thirdly, I pointed out that MIL’s own mother (my Grandmother-in-Law) refused to stay with any of HER DILs because all three were very assertive people (and hence, why does SHE insist to stay with us so much that she would rather leave her husband alone in her flat to come stay with me… when her own mother didn’t???).

The point is, the MIL will only choose to stay with the DIL she thinks she can overcome… or at the very least, she knows, will not abuse her. Part of the equation is the DIL’s character. The next part is how strong the relationship with her son, so that she can use her son to control the DIL. If you have a strong marriage AND you are NOT a pushover, few MIL will choose stay with you.

My mistake was that I was a pushover the first 10 years of my marriage. And since I have agreed for the THIRD time to move in with her again, I probably am still a pushover but a smarter and more frightened one. The challenge in the past 10 years was to find the sensitive equilibrium between having her understand that I will treat her kindly even if she cannot control me. This is easier said than done because whenever she acts up, the human reaction is to fight back and hurt… and that means to be unkind.

[ansh0000]

I believe grandparents-parents-children relationship is important in a child’s upbringing. It instill a sense of fillial and respect for elders in the child.


Yes, my PIL are super naggy. I don’t speak to them alot unless there is any topic that interest them for dicussion.

I appreciate my MIL that she is not very particular at who do the housework and both of my PIL are willing to take care of my son when I work late.

So when you compare "bad" versus "good"…living with them tends to be more tolerable

[janet88]

Chenonceau:

First off, I don't wanna move in with my son because I dun know what kind of wife he will marry. Secondly, I dun even know if my son can buy a house big enough to welcome me. Thirdly, I pointed out that MIL's own mother (my Grandmother-in-Law) refused to stay with any of HER DILs because all three were very assertive people (and hence, why does SHE insist to stay with us so much that she would rather leave her husband alone in her flat to come stay with me... when her own mother didn't!!??).


This is easier said than done because whenever she acts up, the human reaction is to fight back and hurt... and that means to be unkind.

Hi Chenonceau,
:goodpost: I agree with you completely !!!
Once we have to fight back, someone will be hurt...and if the DIL emerges the winner through true facts, there will be lots of mean things mentioned about her.

I don't know what kind of wife my son will marry in future. Like I told my hubby, I don't even know if he can afford to buy a flat of his own with inflation and escalating prices...maybe he and his wife may even have to stay in my flat.

It's rather selfish your MIL leaves her own husband to stay by himself and stay with you. What's the logic ? Is it because she doesn't want to look after him ?

[Chenonceau]

Janet… I dun quite know why she would rather spend her time bossing me, my kids and my helper around than with her husband. Maybe it gives her satisfaction to boss us around and my FIL won’t let her boss him? Or maybe she loves us all too much to let go.


I really dunno.

[janet88]

Chenonceau:

Janet... I dun quite know why she would rather spend her time bossing me, my kids and my helper around than with her husband. Maybe it gives her satisfaction to boss us around and my FIL won't let her boss him? Or maybe she loves us all too much to let go.


I really dunno.

Could it be becos you have a helper...so she finds it thrilling to be around your place. When I had a helper then, she tried to get near to her to find out more info about me.

[racoon12]

Chenonceau and other mummies,

Thank you very much for your advises… look like i need to tame down my own temper, plan my strategy and build up my courage to fight the ‘devil’ myself.

Once again, thank you very much…

[kittybank]

do yr parents and yr in-laws visit each other? if so, is there any rule or practice that it must be the husband’s side to initiate a visit to the wife’s parents?

[ectanz]

wormy:

do yr parents and yr in-laws visit each other? if so, is there any rule or practice that it must be the husband's side to initiate a visit to the wife's parents?

Not at all. My MIL not even visit my parents during my wedding preparation, not to mention other occasions.

By right, my MIL should initiate a call to my mum to ask her for any particular request in order to include these things during 提亲. Instead she asked my hb to check with my parents. In the end, my dad had to get these things done on my MIL's behalf. :stompfeet:

[Flowermonaster]

wormy:

do yr parents and yr in-laws visit each other? if so, is there any rule or practice that it must be the husband's side to initiate a visit to the wife's parents?

My IL only visited my parents twice in my 14 years of marriage. One when they come to discuss our marriage, the other was the first CNY after we married. They also seldom called my parents to talk. Whenever my mum knows that my MIL comes to Spore, she will try to call our place & talk to her but never vice versa. So in the end my mum also never bother Liao. There was once my mum wanted to visit my IL from Malaysia, knowing my IL are not a very good host, I quickly persuade her not to go. My ILs are good people just that they are not use or may be don't like to entertain guest. Seldom see guest/neighbours in their house other than their children, grandchildren. They are polite to guest but can see very cold loh.