Spending time with your parents or in-laws

[aprilsummer]

Hi,


my parents are the same type as yours. 4 children - 3 sons and 1 daughter, me. They argue nonstop and still stay together. Only difference, my parents loved their sons, esp the eldest one, to death. Treat him like a god. Me - pure dirt. Whenever my parents, esp my mom, are unhappy, like to vent on me.

Left me out of all gatherings, incl CNY reunion. Only the sons are invited. All b’cos I fought wi the eldest pig once. But still expect me to give monthly allowance of at least a few hundreds, even though I am a SAHM.

Recently my mom wanted me to take her to Japan for holiday. I told her that this time her sons need to chit in since I have paid for her previous holidays, and her sons have never brought her overseas. Quoting you, "all hell went loose"…her sons have family to take care of, I have the highest family income (my husband and myself are graduates), its not much $, we should not trouble her sons…

Really really so fed up. I could easily afford that few thousands and my husband don’t mind my mom coming along for the holiday. We have actually planned to take her to central Japan rather than Hakkaido this Dec, as Hakkaido will be too cold for her. But, what is so difficult for her sons to share the costs this time? All of them are working adults. They have never taken her for holidays and they should have, as her precious sons. I am still :x even though the argument was 2 weeks ago.

[winth]

Hi aprilsummer,


Sometimes, it is not so good to keep comparing. I believe that 家家有本难念的经, and believe me, I went through this same thing too, so I'm not trying to criticise you for the thought that you have.

Just to share a story that I read (think it was from some Sunday Times article):

The youngest son has 2 elder brothers. And at the age of 19, is considered the year of adulthood for the family.

As a family tradition, the mother would celebrate her children's birthday with mee sua and 1 hardboiled egg and a motorbike for her son. It happened to her eldest son's birthday. Same thing for her second son.

So, when it was the youngest son's turn, he was eagerly waiting to own his cool motorbike (cos like his brothers, he possessed a motorbike licence). But on his birthday, his mother merely celebrated that day with mee sua and 1 hardboiled egg. He was utterly disappointed that night but didn't show it to his parents. He 'hated' his parents for showing favouritism.

Many years later, this young man grew up and was already in his thirties and once, he casually brought up the motorbike issue and asked her why she didn't buy him a motorbike then (it was still a painful incident up till then). His mother casually replied:'That's because I had to use all my savings, which was suppose to be for your motorbike, for your full time degree studies. Your brothers weren't able to get into a university like you could. So I could no longer afford to buy you a bike.'

It dawned onto him very suddenly that x years ago, his mum did fork out a huge sum for his studies, and he didn't have to worry about financing any study loans. He had been too preoccupied with getting angry with his mum that he did not see what his mum had done for him over the past few years.

The shadow of hatred & pain eventually left him and he was full of :love: for his mother.

I, too, had been preoccupied with wondering if my parents favoured my brothers instead of me that I forgot to see how much they did. Until one day, my brother told me that my father loved me very much. And my mother balanced it out by loving my brothers more. I had tears in my eyes and a painful sore when I heard that.

So what if your parents need you to pay for this and that. Actually, it's a happy thing to be able to give. Usually deep down, parents know who (among their children) are the better-abilitied ones and they tend to support the weaker-abilitied (among their children). But it will always seem like the parents are showing favouritism. Some parents (esp the older generation) might not be able to communicate their love for their children, and they are frequently misunderstood.

If my parents did show my brothers favouritism, I was very thankful for that. Because of this fact, it made me very independent and I stood up on my own two feet very fast. I had to do all housechores and cook for the family in my teens (bec I was the only girl other than my mum) but my brothers did none of those. My brothers could play computer games, sleep at home while I scrub the toilet bowls. In the end, I actually benefited from it, because it gave me a very hardy personality and I'm not afraid of hardships. I fall down and stood up from failures easily. On the other hand, well... like I said 家家有本难念的经.

[winth]

游子吟 （孟郊）


慈母手中线，
游子身上衣。
临行密密缝，
意恐迟迟归。
谁言寸草心，
报得三春晖？

[Eagle-Ladybird]

. . . very touching sharings here (except the mandarin ones, cos I can't read them :stupid: )

[aprilsummer]

Hi Winth,


nice story. Do totally agreed with you that we should not compare. Guess you do not understand the context of my frustration. Its simple-minded to think that doing all housechores constitutes to favouritism. In a lot of asian countries, most of the housechores, if not all, are done by women. I have done all that and that won’t make me feel frustrated.

Wrt your nice story, my parents could totally afford my education at NTU. They, however believed that to educate a girl till that level is a waste of money. We had frequent quarrels during my A levels, my family believed I should start working and don’t "waste rice". The final blow was the fight with their eldest son, police were called. Many things happened, I moved out and supported myself. I paid for my degree course and took a big loan.

As for my "less able" brothers, they live in at least 5-rm or EC. They drive and take their families for overseas holidays. Their children have tutions. What make them less able to pay for my mom’s holiday?? Yes, I should be proud that I could afford to drive a Lexus when they are driving Honda and Toyota. However, does that mean I am so much better off that makes my brothers "less able"? It is naive to think that just becase one could afford, one should be happy to foot all the bill.

I have moved on and forgiven my parents. But, humans do not forget, unless they have dementia. I give them mthly allowance, take them for holidays, listen to their complaints. However, showing favouritism is my trigger point. It got me irritated.

I guess I just need a few weeks to cool off, before I call my mom again, and pay for that holiday.

Finally, don’t preach before you seek to understand the context. It is unwise and silly, it does not reflect well on one’s intellectual capacity.

[kiasimom]

I will visit my parents every weekend without fail, rain or shine.

That’s why my parents are very close to my two children. Family bonding is important to us.

[nkthen]

My mother and my mother-in-law are living very near us. Just 1-2 MRT rides away, literally.


We made it that way purposely so that it’s not too far for us to see them, and it’s not too far for them to come and visit us.

[cfan]

Hi


The arrangement now is that we are staying with his parents. I get along with MIL, no complaints from either her or me.

I bring the kids to my parents place every Saturday. I let them spend some time there. Sometimes, when my parents are able to make it, we meet for Sunday lunch or breakfast while one of the kids are at classes.

Of course, the meeting with my parents, DH is always conveniently "absent". Ha ha… never mind, it’s the kids my parents want to see and not him anyway…

[mrswongtuition]

cfan:

Of course, the meeting with my parents, DH is always conveniently \"absent\". Ha ha... never mind, it's the kids my parents want to see and not him anyway....

My parents like to see my hb. In fact, they see him more often than they see me!

[Andaiz]

mrswongtuition:

cfan:

Of course, the meeting with my parents, DH is always conveniently \"absent\". Ha ha... never mind, it's the kids my parents want to see and not him anyway....

My parents like to see my hb. In fact, they see him more often than they see me!

Ditto me too! My parents come over to help jaga my kids while we work. Often, DH arrives home earlier than I do so he spends time chatting and catching up with parents.

Just last weekend, as we are near their home, DH suggested buying them dinner so we all had fun! He's so keen to make this a regular feature.

With his parents, he is less forthcoming although he sees the need to \"play fair \"...guess what my mum said was right - when we got engaged, she asked him to start calling her mummy coz \"she's gained a son!\"