Working with Grandparents

[thebusybee]

raynreg:

It is your grandparents rights to pamper their grandchildren while it is your duty to discipline and nuture them

So darn right! That's exactly what my mum said too when my bro complaining about her 'spoiling' his boys!

[schellen]

thebusybee:

So darn right! That's exactly what my mum said too when my bro complaining about her 'spoiling' his boys!

However, my DD's grandparents learned the hard way. Yes, they spoiled her, then they suffered when she got older (she's now 7). Then, they had to go through the difficult path to \"discipline\" her and resist the urge to spoil her all the time. So we have the last laugh.

[mommyNg]

Ha ha, you are so fortunate that you have great support from your families (including your mum and your in-laws)!! Mine either said she is getting old, or were too happy to leave them (their retired lives) alone :roll:


My mum helped me take care of my dd1 for the first few years, and yes, she did all the stuff that you would abhor, e.g. carrying the baby to sleep, giving her 3 (yes, not 1 but 3) pacifiers - one in the mouth, two in each to \"play\" with, etc... But hey, 5 years later, all these didn't matter anymore. She is almost 7 years old, and she is a healthy, independent and happy girl. Of course, she doesn't need to be carried to sleep and has long weaned off pacifiers. And yes, she is sleeping by herself in her own bed in her own room...

So as long the \"spoiling\" is not about \"bad values/behavior\", such as giving in when child throws a tantrum, letting child scolds or even hits the seniors, I feel that certain differences in childrearing practices is tolerable

[sashimi]

Objectively, angela, without any knowledge of exactly how your MIL will be like - you should decide for the sake of the child, from the point of view as her mother.


You should not be deciding this based on your role as a daughter(-in-law).

Ideally, the parent is the decide-all and end-all for her child. Grandparents often make this ill-conceived presumption that your child was born for their \"enjoyment\"'s sake. But no - the child is your responsibility first and foremost. So you have the right to decide.

I know it's easier said than done, but to have a spoiled child is far worse than having an \"offended\" MIL.

To put it another way, to be a parent is to take a lot of pain, punishment, conflict, embarrassment, sacrifices... for the sake of your child.

Unfortunately the wide generation gap these days means that it's not common for two generations to agree on the method of raising kids. You are EXTREMELY lucky to have a good caretaker in the form of your mother. I am even jealous that your MIL offered.

So the question is how to explain/persuade your MIL in this issue. Chances are she's probably envious of your mom. But that's another story....

[danecalymom]

Hi Angela, really envy you have MIL willing to take up the challenge of staying at home full-time to look after your kids. My mom prefer to work and my MIL prefer to play with kids weekly, thus I have no choice but to engage a maid. Now, my elder boy is turning 4yr old soon and my daughter just turn 18mths. I put both in child care as soon as they turn 18mths. By doing this, it keep both parents happy and also reduce our reliance on maid.

Before my daughter went for childcare, I was at my maid’s mercy because we don’t live with our parent. Now that my daughter is in childcare, my maid has become very obedient cos she know we are no longer reliance on her.
If you can, try to put your elder child in playgroup or childcare and have your MIL in charge of picking her. Especially when you have more than 1 kids, you will find parent’s help very useful.

[angela]

Funz:

what are your dh's views on this?


I was kinda in the same position as you when I had my 2 kids. DH even mentioned that to be fair, since my parents looked after our 1st kid, then 2nd one let his mum take care. He was also being pressured by his gaggle of aunties aka MIL's sisters. I gave him a list of reasons why it will still be better for my mum to look after our 2nd kid. The one key reason revolves around conflicts. Explain to him that like it or not, there will definitely be conflicts. Even with my own parents looking after our kids, there were conflicts but with my parents, I can handle it. But with his parents, he has to handle it and women being women, we tend to be more picky about things especially when it comes to our kids. Told him by turning his mum down now, yes, she will be disappointed but she will get over it eventually. But if he insists on letting his mum look after our 2nd kid, then be prepared to be sandwiched time and again and not only will he have an unhappy mum, he will have to deal with an upset wife from time to time.

That coupled with the fact that MIL suffers from depression kind of sold my point. Hahaha.

Try and come to an agreement with your DH. If the agreement is not to let your MIL look after your kid, then make your stand clear now. The last thing you want to deal with is your MIL quitting her job thinking that she will be caring for your kid. Then all the blame will start coming and things will be worse.

Hi,

Thanks for your advises.

My DH has no comment of having who to look after our kids. Next year, my DH will be going for part-time studying and I usually work until very late so I always depend on my mother to look after my girl.

Although we are staying with my in-laws, my in-laws never look after my girl before. They just want to play with her. Last time, she looked after my sister-in-laws' kids and almost wanted to cry. So I dunno is she suitable to look after my kids or not. I dun allow my girl to watch tv program with us but my in-laws always say \"nevermind lah\". When we look at our nephews and nieces hook on the tv for 24-hours, we really very scared.

I am very firm to let my mum to look after my kids, just to worry that my DH will change his mind as he is very filial to his parents. That is why I am having headache!!!

Another thing is that my mil is waiting for my sister-in-law to get pregnant. So I worry that once she gets pregnant, she will look after her kid then what will happen to mine. Just throw aside.

How I wish I am not pregnant now!

[Andaiz]

raynreg:

It is your grandparents rights to pamper their grandchildren while it is your duty to discipline and nuture them

that's exactly what my parents said to me, rayreg!

Anyway, Angela. I had a similar problem - it's a \"good problem\" as such familial support is wonderful to tap on. However it is a balancing act. You've not told us what would the arrangement be for DD1. If you split the kids, it would be depriving them of companionship which (I hope) is one of the reasons for having > 1. Then there's the consideration of if your mum or MIL can cope with 2.

For us, we settled for a weekly schedule - One week my parents, one week DH's parents. So we bought 3 sets of stuff - crib, bathtubs and everything - one set for my parents, one for in-laws and one for our place. This lasted for over 4 years till we went away and #3 came along and then MIL said she's needed with BIL as their DD1 was to arrive as well.

When the kids started school, we reckoned it was way too much ferrying from one place to the other...and since I'm a FTWM as well, schoolbus is our only ption and to pay full fair to TWO buses (and imagine their confusion - which week from which location huh???!) just wasn't going to work!

It was an amazing and sometimes painful few years - the kids got their share of attention and bonding with each set of grandparents and they are richer for it.

I'm not saying that the arrangement works for everyone - it often doesn't, but really there is more to it than just convenience on our part as parents.

That said, when SIL decided to quit and be a SAHM, MIL hinted that she wants to come back to looking after our kids, we made a big show of it to say \"no, the children are older, you should spend more time with FIL\"-truth is her style now grates the kids (she still treats them as if they were timewarped 2 years ago!); and it would be better for all to have the children over at a more \"carved out time\" e.g., an afternoon at the park, dinner with gramps etc.

sashimi has hit the nail on the head : we are the parents and utlimately, they (the kids) are our responsibility - don't be forced or co-erced into doing things that go against your gutfeel or conscience or you'd live to pay for it!

JMHO

[Andaiz]

angela:

How I wish I am not pregnant now!

just saw your post...Angela, don't say that! The little one is precious - no matter what!

Yeah, I felt that way when MIL wanted to look after SIL's kid and SIL and BIL saw the amount of conflict and complaints she had (yet insisted to carry on coz FIL loves being with the little ones)...she literally dropped us like hot potatoes.

My kids don't know it and they don't need to. With exception of quantity time, DH and I believe that we should be their go-to PARENTS! :love:

[angela]

Andaiz:

angela:

How I wish I am not pregnant now!

just saw your post...Angela, don't say that! The little one is precious - no matter what!

Yeah, I felt that way when MIL wanted to look after SIL's kid and SIL and BIL saw the amount of conflict and complaints she had (yet insisted to carry on coz FIL loves being with the little ones)...she literally dropped us like hot potatoes.

My kids don't know it and they don't need to. With exception of quantity time, DH and I believe that we should be their go-to PARENTS! :love:

Hi,

Thanks for your advise. I will see what will happen when my baby borns next year.
:lol:

[kiasimom]

I must say you are very fortunate to have your parents/in laws to look after your children.


Yes, they may spoil your children, but that is still out of love for them.

I am not as lucky as you as my mom and mil have to work and I have to leave my children with my maid when I was working back then.

I believed you have heard horrible stories about maid ill-treating and abandoning the kid, but have you heard likewise for grandparents?

We are brought up by our parents too and here we are parents ourselves and we are concerned that our parents spoil our children.

I personally took care of my children during the period when I am without a maid and believe me, it is no easy job to look after children.

For working parents, if you don’t have your parents to look after your children, can you go to work with peace of mind?

My sister leaves her 3 years old son with her MIL. Yes, she also has the same concerns that her MIL is spoiling her son.
To quote what one parent say here, the job of disciplining still lies in the parents not the grandparents.
Just as I told my sis, if she doesn’t approve of how her MIL looks after her son, she can jolly well look after her son herself as no others can look after her son the way she expects herself to bring up her son.