how much should you indulge your child?

[jedamum]

hm…MMM,

our big ticket reward are not peg to specific behaviour or performance as we expect them to behave and for performance, our rewards are usually inexpensive items. we reserve big ticket things or request for birthday. if they want to make requests, they can, but will be a birthday gift.

while i don’t want them to grow up thinking that things come easy and they can take it for granted, i also don’t want them to grow up being calculative or feeling that we are calculative. it is a fine line to tread.

on another note, i believe degree of indulgence also stems from family background. FTWPs tends to indulge their children more when compared to SAHP. i understand the statement on "if everyone is playing and you don’t even have any, that seems alittle mean right" applies to students in student care where most of them follows trends of toys and peer pressure is greater because they spend a lot of time with them. So while i shared my views about indulging my kids the SAHP-way, i understand that to a certain extent, we cannot fault FTWPs for their need to pamper their children.

indulgence is ok, so long it is within one’s means and does not lead to negative behaviour (demanding kids etc).

2cents.

[Chenonceau]

Our next door neighbour’s yard fills up with kids every Sunday. Any number from 5 to 15, depending on how many nuclear families come home to visit the grandparents. On Sundays, all their toys work overtime.


There are huge doll houses and mini slides… Wii… but I notice that the toy that gets played with the most is a pile of cardboard boxes that moving companies give away to customers. The children discuss and work together to construct ensembles of every imaginable shape that they then imagine represent a whole alternate reality. They’ve played Fortress, Aliens, Princess Rapunzel, Tiger Hunt and War with those boxes.

A lotta politics go on every Sunday. Whose idea gets implemented for play? What to do when the girls cry? Who needs to help that silly 1.5 yr old escape from Darth Vader. Watching them, I wish I were small again. I go to great lengths to gain my son entry into that play group every Sunday. I bake apple pies for him to share. I saka the maids, of which there are 2. I even bought a whole stash of dog treats for the kids to feed my dog over the fence… so that my son can gain entry into that playgroup.

But then of course, we do own SOME toys. When DD was small, we were poorer. No choice. Not many toys for her. With DS, Toys R Us would slip a brochure into our letterbox just before school hols. DS back when he was pre-literate would pore over each brochure and even circle those he liked. I would pick that brochure and surprise him with one circled choice from Toys R Us twice a year at every major school hols. That really didn’t make for many toys a year. Then came a point where even HE eschewed the poor quality toys we can get locally in favour of other activities that we do together…

Monopoly Deal
Tarot cards (French version of Bridge)
Quoridor
Bags of soil and chicken shit

Most parents want toys to replace the attention they can give their kids. Actually, what the kids want is that parents play with them… and when that can happen, you can make up games without toys. My son and I used to play

- I am gonna die on you.
- Crabbies and slappies
- Fishing from the ocean liner
- Push the enemy off the bed

[jedamum]

Mdm Koh:

I lived in a rented flat with no bedroom and a dimly lit corridor. Nowadays, many parents and children have not even seen those 一房半厅 flats before. However, they're still around and those who live there are mostly old folks or lower income families, many of whom are Malay or Indian.

I guess although we were poor, I was still doted on in some ways, hence the two Barbie dolls.

:celebrate:
i still dream of those flats...
memory is that it was still pretty much more spacious than our current 4rm flat

[MMM]

Oh yes, I wanted to share this as what I had shared in another thread.


Ds has a classmate whose parents really indulge in him. During the science fair they had in school, the friend brought S$1k to school to buy stuff :yikes: Ds ended up with \"presents\" from this pal. I was overseas and was shocked to see it when I am back.

Apparently this classmate of his has a sister who happens to be a ex-classmate of my dd. She don't behave like that and she is very different from the brother. Not sure if he is the only son that's why there is such indulgence :?

This friend told my son that he has a monthly S$1k allowance. Of course that left my son salivating since he only has $2.50 per day and the $ in his bank account are the result of him saving up from allowance and red packets. Maybe his friend's father is a businessman so he is rich. That I don't know. But in this case, this particular friend seems to have behavioral issues (eg. telling lies) and struggled academically (eg. heard he is last in class).

So I told him that even if we can afford to let him bring S$1k to the science fair, we will not do that per our family values. It's just not right in my personal opinion, I would rather he save that in the bank. In fact, if the friend's parents really did that, I feel that they should not have done that. Eg. inviting theft in school? What message are they trying to send? They are trying to flaunt their wealth? I really don't know but I do not agree with that.

In conclusion, I told ds that while he does not have S$1k to bring to school, it is more important that he has better behaviour and academic performance that this friend. This is what matters more than $. As parents will not be with you for life, it's you that will determine your own path in the future if you've a good life.

[Mdm Koh]

jedamum:

Mdm Koh:

I lived in a rented flat with no bedroom and a dimly lit corridor. Nowadays, many parents and children have not even seen those 一房半厅 flats before. However, they're still around and those who live there are mostly old folks or lower income families, many of whom are Malay or Indian.

I guess although we were poor, I was still doted on in some ways, hence the two Barbie dolls.

:celebrate:
i still dream of those flats...
memory is that it was still pretty much more spacious than our current 4rm flat

Yah. It was cheap and the living area and kitchen were spacious. Now we pay so much more for supposedly bigger flats, but they're not really bigger. Only more bedrooms.

[pinkysymphony]

Thanks for all your lovely replies! It really helps me understand better my own relationship with my parents. Takeaways - Love and affection are most important; buy only what you really will use and not just on impulse; and if you really want something you gotta find a way and work to get what you want.

[tamarind]

pinkysymphony,

Also note that there are good toys and bad toys. Good toys are as important as good books. Bad toys include iPad and all forms of electronic games and it is best to do without them.

[pinkysymphony]

Hmm was just searching through the weekend papers… and I saw an ad for a place that sells themed bedrooms - you have beds that look like racecars and castles! (called Casa Kidi, in Tampines). Quite an eye-opener what one can buy for kids these days - growing up all the beds I saw (mine, my cousins, my friends) were simple and plain.

One more thing - there’s always the inevitable "why is it other people can have, and I don’t?" How do you answer that? Some people are going to indulge their kids more, and I don’t want mine to feel deprived.

[beanbear]

I think there’s a difference between feeling deprived and delayed gratification. There’s been studies that show that children who are taught to delay gratification are better able to learn self-control and also develop other leadership qualities.


In bringing up my 3 kids, I’ve used the concept of delayed gratification consciously but I don’t do it to be sadistic. Kids also need to understand the difference between Needs vs Wants. Most of our desires are Wants and not Needs. If my kids have a "Want", they earn it through accumulating good behaviour/study reward points, savings, earnings from chores, etc. I believe that as a parent if I give in to any request for the latest fad, then my children more about instant gratification rather than delayed gratification.

When they make choices about what to purchase, I teach them about using criteria for selection of toys - what makes one toy better than another toy eg durability, promoting creativity, safety, etc. Of course, I’ve had my fair share of weakness when I’ve given in to my children’s whims and allow them to purchase something that only lasted 2 days of enjoyment. We then turn it into a lesson about why that purchase was a poor decision. I also set expectations with my kids ahead of time BEFORE we head to a shopping mall the purpose of the outing. If my kids are allowed to make a purchase with their earned rewards or savings, I make it a special trip for toys shopping. For any other occasions in a shopping mall, I let kids know ahead of time that there will no purchasing of any toys and I also exercise personal discipline not to buy anything for myself.

Finally, I define clear boundaries about what decisions my children are allowed to make and what they are not allowed to make. Areas which my children do not have decision-making power are things like furniture, holidays, number of hours spent on play or tv, specific food choices, etc. Kids need boundaries about what’s within their control and what is not. I define clearly what areas my children have a voice to influence their parents’ decision, which areas they have full control in making a decision and finally which areas they have absolutely no say in. What I’ve discovered in using this approach is that my children knows when they can negotiate with me and when they would not even attempt to negotiate. It prevents many energy-wasting arguments which I’ve found some of friends experience with their children because their kids negotiate for everything or pester their parents for everything.

[Chenonceau]

beanbear:

I think there's a difference between feeling deprived and delayed gratification. There's been studies that show that children who are taught to delay gratification are better able to learn self-control and also develop other leadership qualities.


In bringing up my 3 kids, I've used the concept of delayed gratification consciously but I don't do it to be sadistic. Kids also need to understand the difference between Needs vs Wants. Most of our desires are Wants and not Needs. If my kids have a \"Want\", they earn it through accumulating good behaviour/study reward points, savings, earnings from chores, etc. I believe that as a parent if I give in to any request for the latest fad, then my children more about instant gratification rather than delayed gratification.

When they make choices about what to purchase, I teach them about using criteria for selection of toys - what makes one toy better than another toy eg durability, promoting creativity, safety, etc. Of course, I've had my fair share of weakness when I've given in to my children's whims and allow them to purchase something that only lasted 2 days of enjoyment. We then turn it into a lesson about why that purchase was a poor decision. I also set expectations with my kids ahead of time BEFORE we head to a shopping mall the purpose of the outing. If my kids are allowed to make a purchase with their earned rewards or savings, I make it a special trip for toys shopping. For any other occasions in a shopping mall, I let kids know ahead of time that there will no purchasing of any toys and I also exercise personal discipline not to buy anything for myself.

Finally, I define clear boundaries about what decisions my children are allowed to make and what they are not allowed to make. Areas which my children do not have decision-making power are things like furniture, holidays, number of hours spent on play or tv, specific food choices, etc. Kids need boundaries about what's within their control and what is not. I define clearly what areas my children have a voice to influence their parents' decision, which areas they have full control in making a decision and finally which areas they have absolutely no say in. What I've discovered in using this approach is that my children knows when they can negotiate with me and when they would not even attempt to negotiate. It prevents many energy-wasting arguments which I've found some of friends experience with their children because their kids negotiate for everything or pester their parents for everything.

:goodpost: