how much should you indulge your child?

[beanbear]

I think there’s a difference between feeling deprived and delayed gratification. There’s been studies that show that children who are taught to delay gratification are better able to learn self-control and also develop other leadership qualities.


In bringing up my 3 kids, I’ve used the concept of delayed gratification consciously but I don’t do it to be sadistic. Kids also need to understand the difference between Needs vs Wants. Most of our desires are Wants and not Needs. If my kids have a "Want", they earn it through accumulating good behaviour/study reward points, savings, earnings from chores, etc. I believe that as a parent if I give in to any request for the latest fad, then my children more about instant gratification rather than delayed gratification.

When they make choices about what to purchase, I teach them about using criteria for selection of toys - what makes one toy better than another toy eg durability, promoting creativity, safety, etc. Of course, I’ve had my fair share of weakness when I’ve given in to my children’s whims and allow them to purchase something that only lasted 2 days of enjoyment. We then turn it into a lesson about why that purchase was a poor decision. I also set expectations with my kids ahead of time BEFORE we head to a shopping mall the purpose of the outing. If my kids are allowed to make a purchase with their earned rewards or savings, I make it a special trip for toys shopping. For any other occasions in a shopping mall, I let kids know ahead of time that there will no purchasing of any toys and I also exercise personal discipline not to buy anything for myself.

Finally, I define clear boundaries about what decisions my children are allowed to make and what they are not allowed to make. Areas which my children do not have decision-making power are things like furniture, holidays, number of hours spent on play or tv, specific food choices, etc. Kids need boundaries about what’s within their control and what is not. I define clearly what areas my children have a voice to influence their parents’ decision, which areas they have full control in making a decision and finally which areas they have absolutely no say in. What I’ve discovered in using this approach is that my children knows when they can negotiate with me and when they would not even attempt to negotiate. It prevents many energy-wasting arguments which I’ve found some of friends experience with their children because their kids negotiate for everything or pester their parents for everything.

[Chenonceau]

beanbear:

I think there's a difference between feeling deprived and delayed gratification. There's been studies that show that children who are taught to delay gratification are better able to learn self-control and also develop other leadership qualities.


In bringing up my 3 kids, I've used the concept of delayed gratification consciously but I don't do it to be sadistic. Kids also need to understand the difference between Needs vs Wants. Most of our desires are Wants and not Needs. If my kids have a \"Want\", they earn it through accumulating good behaviour/study reward points, savings, earnings from chores, etc. I believe that as a parent if I give in to any request for the latest fad, then my children more about instant gratification rather than delayed gratification.

When they make choices about what to purchase, I teach them about using criteria for selection of toys - what makes one toy better than another toy eg durability, promoting creativity, safety, etc. Of course, I've had my fair share of weakness when I've given in to my children's whims and allow them to purchase something that only lasted 2 days of enjoyment. We then turn it into a lesson about why that purchase was a poor decision. I also set expectations with my kids ahead of time BEFORE we head to a shopping mall the purpose of the outing. If my kids are allowed to make a purchase with their earned rewards or savings, I make it a special trip for toys shopping. For any other occasions in a shopping mall, I let kids know ahead of time that there will no purchasing of any toys and I also exercise personal discipline not to buy anything for myself.

Finally, I define clear boundaries about what decisions my children are allowed to make and what they are not allowed to make. Areas which my children do not have decision-making power are things like furniture, holidays, number of hours spent on play or tv, specific food choices, etc. Kids need boundaries about what's within their control and what is not. I define clearly what areas my children have a voice to influence their parents' decision, which areas they have full control in making a decision and finally which areas they have absolutely no say in. What I've discovered in using this approach is that my children knows when they can negotiate with me and when they would not even attempt to negotiate. It prevents many energy-wasting arguments which I've found some of friends experience with their children because their kids negotiate for everything or pester their parents for everything.

:goodpost:

[smurf]

I agreed that ipad computer games are bad toys. I dun let my p1 boy play with it, and he knows that he shouldn’t. BUT, dunno why, when he sees one, or when I bring him out, he will runnnnn to the apple store and stand in front of the display ipad and play with it. he will get hook to anything handheld! and will whine aand refues to leave the store. it seems that he is addicted to it. but how can he get addicted when he didnt even get a chance to play with it on daily basis (except when go to apple store)???

[cnimed]

beanbear:

I define clearly what areas my children have a voice to influence their parents' decision, which areas they have full control in making a decision and finally which areas they have absolutely no say in. What I've discovered in using this approach is that my children knows when they can negotiate with me and when they would not even attempt to negotiate. It prevents many energy-wasting arguments which I've found some of friends experience with their children because their kids negotiate for everything or pester their parents for everything.

Oh man, I wish I read this before my kids could talk. It would have saved me a lot of aggravation. Definitely going to try this asap.

[KiasuMum1999]

Chenonceau:

beanbear:

I think there's a difference between feeling deprived and delayed gratification. There's been studies that show that children who are taught to delay gratification are better able to learn self-control and also develop other leadership qualities.


In bringing up my 3 kids, I've used the concept of delayed gratification consciously but I don't do it to be sadistic. Kids also need to understand the difference between Needs vs Wants. Most of our desires are Wants and not Needs. If my kids have a \"Want\", they earn it through accumulating good behaviour/study reward points, savings, earnings from chores, etc. I believe that as a parent if I give in to any request for the latest fad, then my children more about instant gratification rather than delayed gratification.

When they make choices about what to purchase, I teach them about using criteria for selection of toys - what makes one toy better than another toy eg durability, promoting creativity, safety, etc. Of course, I've had my fair share of weakness when I've given in to my children's whims and allow them to purchase something that only lasted 2 days of enjoyment. We then turn it into a lesson about why that purchase was a poor decision. I also set expectations with my kids ahead of time BEFORE we head to a shopping mall the purpose of the outing. If my kids are allowed to make a purchase with their earned rewards or savings, I make it a special trip for toys shopping. For any other occasions in a shopping mall, I let kids know ahead of time that there will no purchasing of any toys and I also exercise personal discipline not to buy anything for myself.

Finally, I define clear boundaries about what decisions my children are allowed to make and what they are not allowed to make. Areas which my children do not have decision-making power are things like furniture, holidays, number of hours spent on play or tv, specific food choices, etc. Kids need boundaries about what's within their control and what is not. I define clearly what areas my children have a voice to influence their parents' decision, which areas they have full control in making a decision and finally which areas they have absolutely no say in. What I've discovered in using this approach is that my children knows when they can negotiate with me and when they would not even attempt to negotiate. It prevents many energy-wasting arguments which I've found some of friends experience with their children because their kids negotiate for everything or pester their parents for everything.

:goodpost:

:goodpost:

[Breadandmuffins]

I tried not to indulge in their wants as well esp my no.3 who is 5yrs old…His wants are endless and he is attracted to all types of gadgets. When I tell them why some games are better than others, they are still attracted to those on computer eg, angry bird. We do not have any computer games of any sort at home. The only time I relented was when my very shy P3 boy finally got a good friend at P2 and his friend likes to play that Zombie game and so, I got him one on his 8th birthday. He will never ask me to buy any computer stuff as he knows the answer. Recently, he said this friend is no longer his good friend as he is now playing pokemon and my son doesn’t know anything so cannot join in. My 5yr old, on the other hand was so attracted to that Animal Kaiser cards that he actually took some of the cards from his classmate…secretly…So I really find this aspect of parenting very challenging as different kids react differently…

[dadsandmoms]

This is an interesting thread actually , i think nowadays its easy to lose the child in the ipad games especially those mindless click and play ones. I don’t think i like to end up limiting my kids to just touching screens so i like to bring them for more experiential games by bringing them to indoor playground to let them roam and interact with the other kids.


In the longer run i think thats much better than just letting them click. Esp when they’re 3-7 years old la …

Few weeks back bought them to the indoor playground at Kallang keisure park and was good cos it was free for my little one, only needed to pay for the older boy. den saw that they’re running around playing in the ball pool . I dunno if its me but I think I seldom see my kids running around so expose them to more physical stuff rather than just a small screen and tap tap tap tap tap …