Cold Wars (with your spouse)
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Funz:
Funz, thanks for sharing with us something so personal. What you wrote made me teary-eyed. Someone I care about is undergoing the same kind of stress like yours, and it hasn't ended yet. She has sought my advice, which I thought was best to 'trash it out' with her husband instead of holding on to the resentment. She's now at the stage you were in - being closed up and moving on with her own life, although they do make the daily exchanges. It hurts me to see her going through this. The last time I checked with her, she said everything's fine, but I deeply doubt so as she looks more thoughtful these days, very unlike her usual self...I am normally the kind of person will explode and get over it very quickly as well. If there is something that I am not happy about, I trash it out. Once aired, I move on.
However, many years ago, I think, I was in cold war mode with DH for over a year. Talking to him only to convey information, not confiding in him about anything, handling everything myself, not bothering to talk to him about what I was unhappy about, going about my own activities without including him, etc.
It reached that point after many years of me being vocal about how I felt, wanting to work things out but him not responding, countless broken promises, being blamed for all things that did not go his way, being the last on his list of priorities, being lied to, etc. At some point, I shut down. I was so tired that I became numb. I did not care anymore whether he came home for dinner or whether or not he was home at 3/4am. I no longer had the energy to get upset when he came home pissed drunk. I moved on with my own life.
Our turning point came when he was at his lowest point in his career. That was when he turned to us, his family, but I was not there for him. He will try to confide in me but I was too 'closed up' to offer any kind of support for him. He reached out and said he is really trying and has been for the last few months but I was not acknowledging his efforts. That opened a floodgate. There was so much resentment in me by then and all I wanted to do was to hit out at him. I ranted and railed and he yelled and shouted there was tears and old pain resurfaced. He said he was trying I said not hard enough, he said he was lonely, I told him so was I and where was he all these time. But in the end, when the rush of emotions settled, I told him to give me time to let go of all the resentment.
I never thought what happened years ago was cold war since basic 'need to' conversation was still on going.
In any case, I will say don't let your cold wars drag on too long. It will eat away at you and in it does not solve anything. The only way to work things out is to really trash it out and talk it through and of course followed by necessary actions and commitments.
Thing is, by the way things are going, I hope things don't get worse before the turning point of her husband comes - what if the turning point of her husband never come around?
Funz, if it had been you, would you have accepted a friend's advice on your situation? Or would it have made any difference? Is there anything else you would you say to someone who's undergoing what you have undergone? -
In my 10 years of marriage never have cold war but countless times of quarreling.
Guess is bcoz when I am angry v hard to have cold war as I bang doors, throw things so DH no choice but to settle our difference asap b4 I start throwing things at him.
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puff:
:rotflmao: There's always one who's more physical than the other..else if both are similarly physical, there'll be free kunfu show for the kids...In my 10 years of marriage never have cold war but countless times of quarreling.
Guess is bcoz when I am angry v hard to have cold war as I bang doors, throw things so DH no choice but to settle our difference asap b4 I start throwing things at him. -
concern2:
Oh dear, sorry to hear that about your friend.
Funz, thanks for sharing with us something so personal. What you wrote made me teary-eyed. Someone I care about is undergoing the same kind of stress like yours, and it hasn't ended yet. She has sought my advice, which I thought was best to 'trash it out' with her husband instead of holding on to the resentment. She's now at the stage you were in - being closed up and moving on with her own life, although they do make the daily exchanges. It hurts me to see her going through this. The last time I checked with her, she said everything's fine, but I deeply doubt so as she looks more thoughtful these days, very unlike her usual self...
Thing is, by the way things are going, I hope things don't get worse before the turning point of her husband comes - what if the turning point of her husband never come around?
Funz, if it had been you, would you have accepted a friend's advice on your situation? Or would it have made any difference? Is there anything else you would you say to someone who's undergoing what you have undergone?
I doubt whatever you say will make much difference to your friend. I shut down as I was tired of fighting alone and it is also a kind of defense mechanism. I believe she is also feeling tired and finds that it is pointless.
Unfortunately, when there is trouble between a couple, it cannot be worked out just from one side. Both parties have to work it out together. How well do you know the husband? Possible for you to talk to him as well? -
Funz:
I know the hubby, but not as well, and he never talks about personal things. If I were to approach him, he's going to know his wife had been telling me things, which I think will aggravate the situation.
Oh dear, sorry to hear that about your friend.concern2:
Funz, thanks for sharing with us something so personal. What you wrote made me teary-eyed. Someone I care about is undergoing the same kind of stress like yours, and it hasn't ended yet. She has sought my advice, which I thought was best to 'trash it out' with her husband instead of holding on to the resentment. She's now at the stage you were in - being closed up and moving on with her own life, although they do make the daily exchanges. It hurts me to see her going through this. The last time I checked with her, she said everything's fine, but I deeply doubt so as she looks more thoughtful these days, very unlike her usual self...
Thing is, by the way things are going, I hope things don't get worse before the turning point of her husband comes - what if the turning point of her husband never come around?
Funz, if it had been you, would you have accepted a friend's advice on your situation? Or would it have made any difference? Is there anything else you would you say to someone who's undergoing what you have undergone?
I doubt whatever you say will make much difference to your friend. I shut down as I was tired of fighting alone and it is also a kind of defense mechanism. I believe she is also feeling tired and finds that it is pointless.
Unfortunately, when there is trouble between a couple, it cannot be worked out just from one side. Both parties have to work it out together. How well do you know the husband? Possible for you to talk to him as well? -
Mine is aggravating the cold war now - cut off my internet, TV and now phone charging at home. All these spiteful and childish behaviours only make me more angry and I don’t know how long I can hold back my anger … If this is the only way guys are trying to get the wives to talk, it is really pathetic. Sigh. Stay cool … stay cool …
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Are the husbands going through menopause?
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concern 2, you made me laugh. Thanks ('cos very much needed)!
Funnily, that did cross my mine earlier! It actually helped me to simmer down earlier. Now is a different story. -
Baby39:
Mine is aggravating the cold war now - cut off my internet, TV and now phone charging at home. All these spiteful and childish behaviours only make me more angry and I don't know how long I can hold back my anger ... If this is the only way guys are trying to get the wives to talk, it is really pathetic. Sigh. Stay cool ... stay cool ...
What do you mean by cut off internet? You are not allowed to log on... nor use your phone? If so, it is abusive and should be stopped before it completely isolates you and opens you to even worse abuse. The first step to abuse is to isolate the victim physically and psychologically. -
Chenonceau:
Yeah, sounds abusive. Have you talked to anyone in your family?Baby39:
Mine is aggravating the cold war now - cut off my internet, TV and now phone charging at home. All these spiteful and childish behaviours only make me more angry and I don't know how long I can hold back my anger ... If this is the only way guys are trying to get the wives to talk, it is really pathetic. Sigh. Stay cool ... stay cool ...
What do you mean by cut off internet? You are not allowed to log on... nor use your phone? If so, it is abusive and should be stopped before it completely isolates you and opens you to even worse abuse. The first step to abuse is to isolate the victim physically and psychologically.
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