Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally?

[Jennifer]

Ririan:

Unfortunately, I am still staying with her, and home is really not a home for me, when you have someone constantly judging you... sigh. I just try to ignore and think positive.

Hugs to you.

[Jennifer]

I hv 2 sons. I dun think I will treat future DIL like how I treat my children. I think I will treat them like guests- respect their privacy and way of life, dun expect anything in return. Hence I hv already told my children not to live with me when they get married.


I can only babysit my grandchildren whenever necessary. I wont take responsibility for disciplinary/upbringing issues. Our parenting style might not be the same, why create chances for conflicts? If I see sth not right (like pampering the child), I will tell my sons only.

[twinklebell]

hm… even if i want to… i dont think i will treat both the same.


the bond and feeling is different and most importantly, daughter is my flesh n blood…

[wishababy]

i doubt i can treat my DIL and daughter equally.

like my MIL, she does not treat me and her daughter equally.

[cherrygal]

I think it’s only human to treat your own daughter better than the DIL. You can still treat DIL well but daughter will always get extra. And no DIL should ever get jealous of the daughter / SIL coz it’s only human nature.


We DILs can only be jealous of their other DILs coz must compare apple to apple mah. Blood always thicker than water. DIL is only the mother of their grandchildren, wife of their sons.

I will definitely be nicer to my own baby gal… always my baby. And I make no apologies for it.

[garam]

Yes it natural, we can never compare Daughter & Daughter-in-law. They will always treat the daughter better, which is fine.


So when it come to daughter & DIL quarrel, the whole family will definetly side the daughter no matter u are right or wrong. To them as a daughter in law, you are the bad guy who has create family dispute & the daughter is always the innocent party who are being bullied.

So as a DIL got to accept fate, no matter how good u treat yr PIL, in the family you are just an outsider.

[cherrygal]

Yes, accept your fate. That’s why nobody said you must be extremely nice to PIL. Respectful is good enough. I find the PIL won’t dare to bother you or talk too much if you don’t talk so much with them. I tried to be "PR" and made an attempt to chat but end up the PIL still favour their younger DIL as she’s the wife of their fave son. And that DIL only visited them once a year!


So, I say, just treat my own parents better and be cordial but not too chummy with PIL.

[Han Seo]

I think the question is flawed in the first place. Even with our own children, we tend to favour one/some over the other. It is human nature.


I think the question is not about treating both equally, it is about treating people (whether DIL or PIL) with basic decency. In other words, show basic hospitality when DIL visits, do not interfere in their married life, be courteous when speaking to them, respect their personal space etc. In other words, treat her like how you would want her to treat you as a human being.

If, in the process, a strong bond develops between you and DIL, well and good. If not, do not fret as long as the relationship is not soured and remains cordial. This will go a long way towards family harmony.

I used to get upset that my own sister treats an ex SIL ‘better’ than her own sisters (there are 7 girls in my family). When I said ‘better’, I mean she will give the ex SIL her own jewellery (when she does not even give them to her own sisters) and invite her only for meals at her place.

But as I grow older and mellow down, I feel it is silly for me to think this way. The reason why my sister and the ex SIL got along so well is because both have very similar beliefs about bringing up their children. So be it. It does not bother me anymore.

[UncleLim]

Ririan:

flyfree:

If MIL only hv sons, don't hv daughter, will MIL treat DIL as a \"real daughter\"?

theoritically it should work that way, but unfortunately it is not in my case.
My MIL has three sons, and I married the eldest one. We were forbid to go out without them even when we were newly-wed, I could feel her taking me as a competition, like I am taking her son away (I was not, I am a very mild tempered person). She will say things like how useless and weak I am, compared to how hardworking and strong she is. I really suffer mentally living with her, cos she would use her standards to judge everything I do, the worst time was the first two years after I gave birth. It was hell for me.

Unfortunately, I am still staying with her, and home is really not a home for me, when you have someone constantly judging you... sigh. I just try to ignore and think positive.

This is really sad. And too bad our upbringing says filial piety is paramount. But when we get bad in-laws we suffer because we want to maintain the \"harmony\". My ex-colleague was treated badly since the day she married and when her mother-in-law finally passed away, she divorced her husband and moved out of the house.

[Han Seo]

UncleLim:

Ririan:

[quote=\"flyfree\"]If MIL only hv sons, don't hv daughter, will MIL treat DIL as a \"real daughter\"?

theoritically it should work that way, but unfortunately it is not in my case.
My MIL has three sons, and I married the eldest one. We were forbid to go out without them even when we were newly-wed, I could feel her taking me as a competition, like I am taking her son away (I was not, I am a very mild tempered person). She will say things like how useless and weak I am, compared to how hardworking and strong she is. I really suffer mentally living with her, cos she would use her standards to judge everything I do, the worst time was the first two years after I gave birth. It was hell for me.

Unfortunately, I am still staying with her, and home is really not a home for me, when you have someone constantly judging you... sigh. I just try to ignore and think positive.

This is really sad. And too bad our upbringing says filial piety is paramount. But when we get bad in-laws we suffer because we want to maintain the \"harmony\". My ex-colleague was treated badly since the day she married and when her mother-in-law finally passed away, she divorced her husband and moved out of the house.[/quote]I think this filial piety concept is loaded. Does filial piety mean we have to stay with our inlaws or parents after marriage? If your inlaw keeps berating you and making you insane, does filial piety mean you have to suffer in silent? What if one day your blood vessel bursts or you suffer from depression because of the constant belittling? Is this the way to treat a human being just because he or she is your FIL/MIL? What kind of logic is that? At the end of the day, I still think respect is earned and not given as a right.