Advice - Divorce or Not to Divorce

[Ahmih]

Windy:

Thanks. Actually it had been half a year that me and my children been living a life where we are family but the dad only around during weekend (day only)... Till now still fighting hard for my desicion as he always said that he will change but everynight I still don't see him at home.

Windy, you're a strong and caring person, perhaps that's why you're still in the marriage. I think many women would have flee given how your HB is taking everything for granted. And if my GF reads your story, I'm sure she would feel that she should just hold on just yet, since her HB is at least in the house all nites.

Nonetheless, remember that paper cannot hold fire for long.
Are we just evading the real problem?

Sometimes, perhaps both you and my GF should be selfish and spare a thought for your own health and sanity. Cos no one will take care of that except youself and you need to have that to take care of your kids and others that you love. Spend some time with yourself to find out how you can love yourself all over again. Do not mull over your problems while you do that.

In order to love others, know how to love and take care of yourself. When you're loved, you're better able to take care of others and make the right choice.

加油！

[tankee]

Windy:

...I am very sorry that I cannot show my children a good marriage. I don't want a broken marriage too, but I still need to move on.

....

to me, you are showing your children that you did not just gave up when things went bad, but tried or even still trying to save the marriage.

but do know when to throw in the towel for your own sake.

[buds]

Good one here, tankee..

:celebrate:

[Mamamal]

I would like to share my story.


Six months ago, my husband told me he wanted out of the marriage… I was shocked. Reasons: incompatibility, differences in characters. This, after 12 years of marriage. Of course i was shattered, devastated, my life was on roller coaster rides for the first 2 months, i couldn’t think straight, sometimes i would get so angry that i vent it on my poor innocent boy. When i probed my hb further, i realised that i was not able to fulfill his physical intimacy needs and had not been a caring gentle wife, together with the few reasons given earlier. He denied there was a third party. He said he wanted to come clean with me and tell me he did not have feelings for me anymore… He wanted the freedom and didn’t want to be tied down anymore. BUT, he still loved the child and wanted to end this marriage amicably.

As a wife, i couldn’t take it. I begged him for another chance but he refused. I cried to sleep every night. Never in my life would I think that the only person I have loved would do such a thing to me. [He was my first and only boyfriend… even up to now, i still love him]. May be i was naived and easily wooed, have never experienced any setback in any relationship before, that’s why i am feeling so much pain. Later, i realised i have failed badly as a wife… not able to fulfill my hb’s needs when he needed them… my reasons? household chores and kid’s studies, i put in 100%. But hb’s needs? Failed. But all these reflections came too late. He has decided since 2-3 years back that he wanted out… and only broke the silence 6 months ago.

After much thinking, for the sake of the child, it has been decided that the best arrangement would be both father and mother still care for the child. Hb has moved out of the house but will come to visit child every day. Sometimes we still go out, as a family for dinner during weekends.

As a woman, i really feel very lousy. Hb only cares for the child and not wife (although going to divorce soon). I told him i felt so lonely but he brushed me away, saying i am the cause for the situation i am in right now, and that i have to be responsible myself, and everyone has their own actions to blame. So mean of him to say that right? But i tell myself that since he no longer loves me, i am going to forget him. Easier said than done. But for the sake of my child, I am trying every day, to just treat him as the father of my child.

[mintcc]

Yes, I think he is so mean. I don’t think that it is fair for him to blame you entirely and say you are the cause of the situation either. It is a relationship. not just one party can be blame. Both would have contribute to the situation.


So sorry to hear you are going through all this. Take care, babe.

[winth]

Mamamal:

I would like to share my story.


Six months ago, my husband told me he wanted out of the marriage... I was shocked. Reasons: incompatibility, differences in characters. This, after 12 years of marriage. Of course i was shattered, devastated, my life was on roller coaster rides for the first 2 months, i couldn't think straight, sometimes i would get so angry that i vent it on my poor innocent boy. When i probed my hb further, i realised that i was not able to fulfill his physical intimacy needs and had not been a caring gentle wife, together with the few reasons given earlier. He denied there was a third party. He said he wanted to come clean with me and tell me he did not have feelings for me anymore... He wanted the freedom and didn't want to be tied down anymore. BUT, he still loved the child and wanted to end this marriage amicably.

As a wife, i couldn't take it. I begged him for another chance but he refused. I cried to sleep every night. Never in my life would I think that the only person I have loved would do such a thing to me. [He was my first and only boyfriend.. even up to now, i still love him]. May be i was naived and easily wooed, have never experienced any setback in any relationship before, that's why i am feeling so much pain. Later, i realised i have failed badly as a wife... not able to fulfill my hb's needs when he needed them... my reasons? household chores and kid's studies, i put in 100%. But hb's needs? Failed. But all these reflections came too late. He has decided since 2-3 years back that he wanted out... and only broke the silence 6 months ago.

After much thinking, for the sake of the child, it has been decided that the best arrangement would be both father and mother still care for the child. Hb has moved out of the house but will come to visit child every day. Sometimes we still go out, as a family for dinner during weekends.

As a woman, i really feel very lousy. Hb only cares for the child and not wife (although going to divorce soon). I told him i felt so lonely but he brushed me away, saying i am the cause for the situation i am in right now, and that i have to be responsible myself, and everyone has their own actions to blame. So mean of him to say that right? But i tell myself that since he no longer loves me, i am going to forget him. Easier said than done. But for the sake of my child, I am trying every day, to just treat him as the father of my child.

I feel very very sorry for you.
You must stand up very very strong and tough for yourself.
All the best wishes to you.

[VVJJ]

Mamamal,


Pardon me if i’m being too blunt… When a man strays, they will give all kinds of excuses… I’ve been through it… My ex husband is a nice person. During the 7 years of our marriage, we are still loving, catching movies once a week, dinner dates… he will surprise me with gifts/flowers occasionally. However, i discovered he had a relationship with a much younger woman. As a nice person, he can’t bear to sever the relationship as the woman keeps on calling him. I was in a devastated state. I was pregnant at tat time and am expecting twins. Though i can see he’s still wanted the family, i also realised he wouldn’t let go of the woman. I cried, i beg, i did all the silly things… Soon he started to say i have never care for his feelings for the past few years, I’m plump, ancient men have 2 wifes etc… I was shocked. I cared for the family. I did my part. And the best part is we seldom quarrelled during the time we are together. This remarks hurt me very badly.

I suffered for a few yrs, clinging to hopes that he will return. We had 4 lovely kids and tis is still not a good reason for him to turn back. I have kept silence from my family, good friends for this happening. Everyone still thought i have a caring and well to do husband. However, i realised i’m wrong and i’ve wasted too much time. I was in deep depression. After 3 years, I wanted out. He refused but i insisted. I have been divorced for 3 years already. I never requested for anything except for a small amt of monthly fees for the kids education. I moved out on my own. Finding a place myself and bringing the kids with me. Everyone has been saying that i’m crazy. But to me, a marriage is not abt money. I have lost my family and this is something which cannot be determine by value. He remarried immediately and had a kid now.

I’m happy for the last 3 years. Initially start is not easy. He still loves the kids and bring them back for the weekends. I know he still cares for me and will ask the kids how i’m doing. I know in his heart, he’s still guilty towards me. But, till now, he still blames me that i’m the one who wanted a divorce, not him.

Mamamal, dun think too much. Man will say all nasty remarks to us in order to cover their guilt. Concentrate on the kids. I realised i have wasted time on him previously that i have neglected the feelings of my kids. You have to move on. Its very difficult in the beginning but you will see light at the end of the tunnel.

[Mamamal]

Thank you all for the postings. Indeed i am greatly comforted and encouraged by your words, really. Glad that i shared as i was so down again. Have thought i would get over it quickly.


It’s really tough going through this marital crisis, even now after 6 months, I still feel pain and hurt esp when he leaves the house every night after tucking the child to bed (the emptiness felt when there’s only my child and me left in the house). Though still emotionally unstable at times, i try to remind myself to stand up for the sake of the child. Things would be easier without the kid, but i then, i told myself i have never regretted having this child. The difficult part is coming to terms with the failed marriage and how to face hb daily while maintaining the balance to ensure the child is not affected.

The obstacle right now is my inner being… how to overcome the ‘hatred’ in me that i am ‘victimised’. Once while watching a TV show, i felt so uncontrollablly agitated and exasperated, when i saw him sms-ing to someone. I am still working on it, and not let his actions affect me. Initially, i had not known how to react, whether to ignore or hate hb… I would suddenly left home and wandered out… till late… and yet still felt confused, lost and bewildered when i got home. Those were the roller coaster rides. Thankfully, hb was understanding, he took care of the child during those times. So much so, he even suggested to have custody of the child. I am still undecided, but since i have been the one attending to the child’s needs from day 1, i have thought i would be the better caregiver. Men are generally not so attentive and meticulous when it comes to kids.

On why the marriage failed, both parties are at fault. If only i were more understanding, showing more concerns, taking initiatives and attending to his needs, foregoing my ego and pride during quarrels… And of course hb has his own faults. This really is a life lesson for me, but too late as a wake-up call. Hb has made up his mind to go ahead with divorce, is just a matter of time. Going through this crisis has made me realised that we should not take things for granted. I had thought i had a happy marriage and had everything going smoothly (taking care of household chores, family’s basis needs) … until that one day when hb asked for separation. He asked if we are compatible, and whether we could spend the rest of old age doing things we like together. To be honest, i replied him that we have no common interest… he likes to stay at home sleep whole day whereas i prefer to have the whole day lined up with programmes, i love travelling but he hates it… etc. I had thought despite the differences, we can still hang on but he said all love was lost… Now, 12 years later, i wonder why we get married to each other. In my heart, i always think it was God’s plan that we came together. But now, perhaps it’s destiny it has to end this way…


mincy, winth - Thanks. I feel more consoled after hearing from you.

insider - Thanks for the encouragement. i know hb is a good man, and mean well for both child and me. I don’t think i can carry out the duties of both mother and father. So, i am thankful that he still wants to care for the child. The bizarre thing is that my child (9 yo) is so ‘blocked-head’ that he does not even ask why mummy and daddy are not staying together anymore.

VVJJ - Thanks. I have also read books saying that for most, life is better after divorce. It’s comforting to hear that. Glad that you are happy now. Hopefully, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel too !

Moving on… guess the most important person in this equation is the child, and shall live for the sake of the little one. It’s a daunting task.

[cmm]

Mamamal:

Moving on... guess the most important person in this equation is the child, and shall live for the sake of the little one. It's a daunting task.

Dear Mamamal,

Sorry to hear about what you are going through now.

All of us have different journeys in life, some of us have easier journeys, some have difficult ones. People walk into our lives, and people walk out.

While we have no control over what life throws at us, we have full control over how we face it. When faced with life's difficulties, we can either resign to be a victim and live out the rest of our lives in bitterness, or we can face the situation straight in the face and triumph over it. Don't be defeated by this event. You still have the rest of your life ahead of you.

And remember, live for yourself. Yes, do whatever is in the best interest of your child as a mother, but remember that your child will grow up and will leave you to start his own family some day. He will have his own life to lead.

I wish you happiness. God bless. :love:

[Mamamal]

[quote]And remember, live for yourself. Yes, do whatever is in the best interest of your child as a mother, but remember that your child will grow up and will leave you to start his own family some day. He will have his own life to lead. [/quote]
Hi CMM

That's very true. I have thought of that too. Once your child becomes independent, they will live their own life and have their own family too.