Advice - Divorce or Not to Divorce

[Ahmih]

buds:

Keep all the documentation safely and a copy with someone

you trust in case yours get lost, missing or burnt.. :roll: That
is your back up plan. That when you find you reach a dead end,
you should have some faith however with THAT all may not be lost..

Windy, on Buds' note regarding evidence, I'm sure your lawyer would have mentioned to you, you can keep them and they're only good for 2 years from the date you knew of them. Thereafter, they will not be a strong evidence for you to fight. Unspoken, but taken that you've 'forgiven' him on that.

Wow, Insider you certainly takes after your mom in terms of strength and wisdom. One really need to feel strongly towards a person in order to take all the 'sufferings and unfaithfulness' for most part of the marriage. And equally important that the man must have a sense of responsibility towards the family, otherwise this equation will not work too.

On that note, are we to say that modern women lacks the dexterity to hold onto their marriage? Is this how a marriage eventually become for some of us?

[Ahmih]

I think things gets a little muddy when the couples are not separated after those discoveries. That space is necessary, come to think of it.


When still under the same roof, every actions, words and unspoken stuff contributes to an already confused state of mind (for the women) and it really muddles feelings with reasons further. To leave or not became extremely difficult to conclude. And most times for some, it became a ‘swing’ decision, like my GF.

If I were to ‘isolate’ her now and ask her to decide, she said she would choose to divorce. But as she’s staying in the same room as her HB, his ‘gd behavor’ did sway her choice very much. But did not help with the distrust and insecurity that she felt. That’s why the conflict in her. Personally, she felt she can survive without the HB. Only holding back for her kids.

[Windy]

Thanks. Actually it had been half a year that me and my children been living a life where we are family but the dad only around during weekend (day only). My children noticed the changes about their dad but they just live their own life happily and don’t wish the dad come home. I had alway tell them to respect the father as he is the only father in their life and tell my husband to love the children because he is the only father to them. Well, me, we are stranger before we met, then fell in love, then married, then divorce, back to stranger again. I still love my husband is but couldn’t take his life style and he refused to change. Till now still fighting hard for my desicion as he always said that he will change but everynight I still don’t see him at home.


My mother in law is old and she stay with us, I don’t want her to worry about us too. In short, there is very young children and very old mother in law, all stay in one house. If I ask him to leave, means my mother in law need to leave too.

I had never think that I would able to meet another man in my life again and 2nd marriage is also sound scary to me now. But my husband might have chance to meet someone. If he found someone, he can go anytime.

I am very sorry that I cannot show my children a good marriage. I don’t want a broken marriage too, but I still need to move on.

Anyway, it doesn’t means that if you grow up from a happy family, your marriage life will be good.

[Ahmih]

Windy:

Thanks. Actually it had been half a year that me and my children been living a life where we are family but the dad only around during weekend (day only)... Till now still fighting hard for my desicion as he always said that he will change but everynight I still don't see him at home.

Windy, you're a strong and caring person, perhaps that's why you're still in the marriage. I think many women would have flee given how your HB is taking everything for granted. And if my GF reads your story, I'm sure she would feel that she should just hold on just yet, since her HB is at least in the house all nites.

Nonetheless, remember that paper cannot hold fire for long.
Are we just evading the real problem?

Sometimes, perhaps both you and my GF should be selfish and spare a thought for your own health and sanity. Cos no one will take care of that except youself and you need to have that to take care of your kids and others that you love. Spend some time with yourself to find out how you can love yourself all over again. Do not mull over your problems while you do that.

In order to love others, know how to love and take care of yourself. When you're loved, you're better able to take care of others and make the right choice.

加油！

[tankee]

Windy:

...I am very sorry that I cannot show my children a good marriage. I don't want a broken marriage too, but I still need to move on.

....

to me, you are showing your children that you did not just gave up when things went bad, but tried or even still trying to save the marriage.

but do know when to throw in the towel for your own sake.

[buds]

Good one here, tankee..

:celebrate:

[Mamamal]

I would like to share my story.


Six months ago, my husband told me he wanted out of the marriage… I was shocked. Reasons: incompatibility, differences in characters. This, after 12 years of marriage. Of course i was shattered, devastated, my life was on roller coaster rides for the first 2 months, i couldn’t think straight, sometimes i would get so angry that i vent it on my poor innocent boy. When i probed my hb further, i realised that i was not able to fulfill his physical intimacy needs and had not been a caring gentle wife, together with the few reasons given earlier. He denied there was a third party. He said he wanted to come clean with me and tell me he did not have feelings for me anymore… He wanted the freedom and didn’t want to be tied down anymore. BUT, he still loved the child and wanted to end this marriage amicably.

As a wife, i couldn’t take it. I begged him for another chance but he refused. I cried to sleep every night. Never in my life would I think that the only person I have loved would do such a thing to me. [He was my first and only boyfriend… even up to now, i still love him]. May be i was naived and easily wooed, have never experienced any setback in any relationship before, that’s why i am feeling so much pain. Later, i realised i have failed badly as a wife… not able to fulfill my hb’s needs when he needed them… my reasons? household chores and kid’s studies, i put in 100%. But hb’s needs? Failed. But all these reflections came too late. He has decided since 2-3 years back that he wanted out… and only broke the silence 6 months ago.

After much thinking, for the sake of the child, it has been decided that the best arrangement would be both father and mother still care for the child. Hb has moved out of the house but will come to visit child every day. Sometimes we still go out, as a family for dinner during weekends.

As a woman, i really feel very lousy. Hb only cares for the child and not wife (although going to divorce soon). I told him i felt so lonely but he brushed me away, saying i am the cause for the situation i am in right now, and that i have to be responsible myself, and everyone has their own actions to blame. So mean of him to say that right? But i tell myself that since he no longer loves me, i am going to forget him. Easier said than done. But for the sake of my child, I am trying every day, to just treat him as the father of my child.

[mintcc]

Yes, I think he is so mean. I don’t think that it is fair for him to blame you entirely and say you are the cause of the situation either. It is a relationship. not just one party can be blame. Both would have contribute to the situation.


So sorry to hear you are going through all this. Take care, babe.

[winth]

Mamamal:

I would like to share my story.


Six months ago, my husband told me he wanted out of the marriage... I was shocked. Reasons: incompatibility, differences in characters. This, after 12 years of marriage. Of course i was shattered, devastated, my life was on roller coaster rides for the first 2 months, i couldn't think straight, sometimes i would get so angry that i vent it on my poor innocent boy. When i probed my hb further, i realised that i was not able to fulfill his physical intimacy needs and had not been a caring gentle wife, together with the few reasons given earlier. He denied there was a third party. He said he wanted to come clean with me and tell me he did not have feelings for me anymore... He wanted the freedom and didn't want to be tied down anymore. BUT, he still loved the child and wanted to end this marriage amicably.

As a wife, i couldn't take it. I begged him for another chance but he refused. I cried to sleep every night. Never in my life would I think that the only person I have loved would do such a thing to me. [He was my first and only boyfriend.. even up to now, i still love him]. May be i was naived and easily wooed, have never experienced any setback in any relationship before, that's why i am feeling so much pain. Later, i realised i have failed badly as a wife... not able to fulfill my hb's needs when he needed them... my reasons? household chores and kid's studies, i put in 100%. But hb's needs? Failed. But all these reflections came too late. He has decided since 2-3 years back that he wanted out... and only broke the silence 6 months ago.

After much thinking, for the sake of the child, it has been decided that the best arrangement would be both father and mother still care for the child. Hb has moved out of the house but will come to visit child every day. Sometimes we still go out, as a family for dinner during weekends.

As a woman, i really feel very lousy. Hb only cares for the child and not wife (although going to divorce soon). I told him i felt so lonely but he brushed me away, saying i am the cause for the situation i am in right now, and that i have to be responsible myself, and everyone has their own actions to blame. So mean of him to say that right? But i tell myself that since he no longer loves me, i am going to forget him. Easier said than done. But for the sake of my child, I am trying every day, to just treat him as the father of my child.

I feel very very sorry for you.
You must stand up very very strong and tough for yourself.
All the best wishes to you.

[VVJJ]

Mamamal,


Pardon me if i’m being too blunt… When a man strays, they will give all kinds of excuses… I’ve been through it… My ex husband is a nice person. During the 7 years of our marriage, we are still loving, catching movies once a week, dinner dates… he will surprise me with gifts/flowers occasionally. However, i discovered he had a relationship with a much younger woman. As a nice person, he can’t bear to sever the relationship as the woman keeps on calling him. I was in a devastated state. I was pregnant at tat time and am expecting twins. Though i can see he’s still wanted the family, i also realised he wouldn’t let go of the woman. I cried, i beg, i did all the silly things… Soon he started to say i have never care for his feelings for the past few years, I’m plump, ancient men have 2 wifes etc… I was shocked. I cared for the family. I did my part. And the best part is we seldom quarrelled during the time we are together. This remarks hurt me very badly.

I suffered for a few yrs, clinging to hopes that he will return. We had 4 lovely kids and tis is still not a good reason for him to turn back. I have kept silence from my family, good friends for this happening. Everyone still thought i have a caring and well to do husband. However, i realised i’m wrong and i’ve wasted too much time. I was in deep depression. After 3 years, I wanted out. He refused but i insisted. I have been divorced for 3 years already. I never requested for anything except for a small amt of monthly fees for the kids education. I moved out on my own. Finding a place myself and bringing the kids with me. Everyone has been saying that i’m crazy. But to me, a marriage is not abt money. I have lost my family and this is something which cannot be determine by value. He remarried immediately and had a kid now.

I’m happy for the last 3 years. Initially start is not easy. He still loves the kids and bring them back for the weekends. I know he still cares for me and will ask the kids how i’m doing. I know in his heart, he’s still guilty towards me. But, till now, he still blames me that i’m the one who wanted a divorce, not him.

Mamamal, dun think too much. Man will say all nasty remarks to us in order to cover their guilt. Concentrate on the kids. I realised i have wasted time on him previously that i have neglected the feelings of my kids. You have to move on. Its very difficult in the beginning but you will see light at the end of the tunnel.