How to work with insolent children
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my boy 12 is a big challenge. He argues with us almost everything. From eating, sleeping, watch TV, etc etc…it is tiring. We tried the hard and soft methods but no permanent solutions. I guess it boils down to 1 thing - inborn character. So these days, I talked lesser and adopt a mai chup attitutude, this is win-win for both.
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DS1 who is not 4 yet already knows how to "talk back". He usually does it when we tell him off for something. He will try to find justification, find excuse or push the blame to DD2. sigh
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mummy of 2:
DS1 who is not 4 yet already knows how to \"talk back\". He usually does it when we tell him off for something. He will try to find justification, find excuse or push the blame to DD2. sigh
mummy of 2, what I do for such situations is to make sure that BOTH the agressor and the seeming \"victim\" are punished. You honestly don't know if DD2 did something to antagonize DS1.
Just my 2 cts worth :lol: -
Yes, i agree. Sometimes it's hard to tell who's at fault, so i scold both. If they are snatching toys, the toy goes into the storeroom, and nobody gets to play. I just wonder whether they will outgrow this phase before I lose my sanity...
Andaiz:
mummy of 2, what I do for such situations is to make sure that BOTH the agressor and the seeming \"victim\" are punished. You honestly don't know if DD2 did something to antagonize DS1.mummy of 2:
DS1 who is not 4 yet already knows how to \"talk back\". He usually does it when we tell him off for something. He will try to find justification, find excuse or push the blame to DD2. sigh
Just my 2 cts worth :lol: -
Just the other day, I was telling DH, dunno whether to say DD is already 6 yrs old or only 6yrs old after an exasperating session of back and forth dialogue with her.
Already 6 yrs old, because at 6, I expect her to be more responsible for her own stuff and set a better example for DS instead of bickering with him over small matter.
Only 6yrs old and she was arguing with me until her face turned red, literally. During that incident, she was so defiant insistent on getting her last say. Saying things like why should I, I don’t agree. And when I say enough already, stop arguing. And she had to have the last say by muttering under a breath, I still don’t agree.
DD has always been a pretty challenging kid and the past 2 years, things have improved a lot with her. In fact incidents like the above are getting less frequent. She was an early starter in the talking back department. Started when she was about 2. And now, looking at some of your posts, I am reminded that I may have another tougher round of battle when she hits her teens. -
Many young parents are taught that punishing a little kid is child abuse and that the right thing to do is to reason with the kid with love, he or she will grow up wholesome. I do not agree with such teaching.
My wife and I believe that we can only allow a child gradually more room for reasoning at different stages of growth. A little baby up to the age of seven should be given very little room for arguing. A child must learn the habit of respect for his parents' authority. Of course, the child must also sense your genuine love for him (Discipline with Love). This is the formative years by which the child's character and habits are being developed. It will be very difficult to break his will by the time he hits seven.
Our two girls had never really have heated arguments with us when they were kids. However, when they were in Secondary level, we found that they were becoming more vocal to reason with us. It took us a while to realise that they are no more kids and that we needed to give them more freedom of expression as they grew older. And now our older girl is in Uni, we give her lots of freedom to manage her life.
But it all starts from the day they were born. When the kid grows up learning respect n obedience for their parents, this habit will stay with them till adulthood. :love: -
sashimi:
I believe that at some point, you must stop reasoning and simply order the child to follow your instructions. Accept no reasoning.
I agree whole-heartedly with sashimi's philosophy!
My kids are very vocal, very articulate, and if given a chance, can argue their way through any situation with impeccable logic. We tell them that IF the situation warrants a discussion, we are open to hearing their views (but they still have to obey us haha). Otherwise, it's usually we-say-you-do because, really, they are too young to know any better.
My almost 7yo DS1 understands this and is very good at reading the expression on my face, so very little arguments from him. For my 4yo DD, I explain to her that it's important for her to be able to listen and obey us, because if she gets into a habit of wanting to argue about every instruction, one day she will be in trouble if there's an emergency and we need her to obey what we say instantly. E.g. \"step off the road NOW\" is not an instruction that should be greeted with an automatic pout and an \"why should I?\" argument - there is no time!
Probably not very P.C., but I'm old-fashioned and feel that when my kids are young, I want to be able to tell them: do it because I say so!!
A rather extreme example...
I just remembered something that happened to us some time last year. The kids and I were in the U.S. and were in bed at about noon (due to a late night), when the hotel's fire alarm sounded. You can imagine what a horror it was for me to be woken up by THAT blaring. I judged that I had less than three minutes to wake all three kids up (DS1 stirred but DD and DS2 could and can literally sleep through a fire) AND get everyone to [1] wear their shoes; [2] grab their coats as it was late Dec with a minus 20 degrees outside, and [3] follow any other instructions from either me or the firefighters - in my mind I was wondering if we would need to break the windows and be rescued in a very dramatic fashion!
Anyway, I was extremely thankful that when I yelled \"EMERGENCY! EVERYONE LISTEN TO ME!\" they obeyed everything I said instantly, without any whining or argument, because who has time to explain anything then! -
zen_mum, in fact, one of my tactics of late is to use The Voice.
I get DD1's attention by calling her with The Voice. Then I make sure she's looking at me in the eye. (NEVER reason/quarrel/order a child who is not looking at you in the eye). Then comes the command, preferably without any aggression. Just be firm.
Adding on: an important thing that we must all learn to manage is that, behind the hard discipline, there must be understanding and, to put it simply, mutual love and respect. It helps a child to be aware that you are not just a punisher, but a rewarder, and most of all, a loving parent.
I suspect that many Asian parents are quick to scold, but slow to praise, and even slower to talk. I cannot remember my parents ever discussing anything of this sort with me. My two strongest memories of my parents involve a knock on the head and an argument. They were important lessons, no doubt, but that's how I remember them.
You can't expect complete cooperation from a child if you do not balance the disincentive with the incentive. Discipline is not just about stopping the bad; it is also about cultivating the good.
Frankly, I don't know yet what to do once DD1 gets older, like after 10, and especially into her teens. I expect her to rebel at some point. Which is why I want to invest in our relationship now. -
Hahahaha, sashimi, I had a sudden image of Darth Vader with That Hiss! Almost laughed myself off the chair. :lol: :lol:
sashimi:
Wow, KSP is full of nuggets of wisdom. This is very well-said indeed!Discipline is not just about stopping the bad; it is also about cultivating the good.
I think for many parents the word discipline has a negative connotation and we often forget about 'cultivating the good'. Thanks for the reminder
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My 6 year old girl also likes to ask \"Why?\" My answer : \"Because I am your mommy and I said so.\"
However, she is very logical and she can often argue until I have to admit that she is right. If it is my mistake, I will honestly admit that I am wrong. She does not raise her voice or gets angry when she argues, she just does it matter of factly.
So I think it depends on the situation. When a child talks back, we should try to listen and analyze whether she is being reasonable or not.
I don't want to suppress my girl's ability to talk back and argue, because I have this secret wish that she will become a lawyer one day
and those capabilities are essential.
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