The Big Caning Poll

[ZacK]

david59:

And they have grown up into pretty n fine. :celebrate: :celebrate: :celebrate:

I'll cheers to that :celebrate:

[cnimed]

Some parents are very \"good\" with the cane. ie the child already know that if he does xyz, he will get a stroke on his hand/buttock. When the event happen, the punishment is matter-of-fact and followed up with discussion on why the behaviour is wrong.


More parents grab the cane in the heat of the moment and whack to the point when the cane can break. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, the parent miss and the cane lands on the wrong part of the body. The same behaviour may not have garnered the same reaction on another day. This does not send the message to the child that what he does is wrong. Instead it teaches the child to monitor the parent's mood.

I do not think corporeal punishment should be made illegal as in some countries. But if there had been consistent discipline in the day to day, a parent would hardly need to use the cane at all. For me, I will use the cane is used for stealing, lying and bullying, followed by a discussion and the child must have an act of atonement.

Are parents not suppose to feel anger or rather it is not right to show anger to a child. No wonder more and more kids need counselling and psychiatric help as they are being raised to deny one of the most basic human emotions.

This is a very good discussion point. But not to hijack the original thread, I would just like to add that I believe anger is natural and healthy. I tell my child when I'm angry, and why I'm angry. SOmetimes when I'm absolutely furious with him I tell him that I'm talking to him for a while because I'm going to cool off first. So I don't just show him that I\"m angry - I also show him how I cope with the anger. This is because my son has an anger management problem. :oops:

[david59]

deminc:

Some parents are very \"good\" with the cane. ie the child already know that if he does xyz, he will get a stroke on his hand/buttock. When the event happen, the punishment is matter-of-fact and followed up with discussion on why the behaviour is wrong.


More parents grab the cane in the heat of the moment and whack to the point when the cane can break. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, the parent miss and the cane lands on the wrong part of the body. The same behaviour may not have garnered the same reaction on another day. This does not send the message to the child that what he does is wrong. Instead it teaches the child to monitor the parent's mood.

I do not think corporeal punishment should be made illegal as in some countries. But if there had been consistent discipline in the day to day, a parent would hardly need to use the cane at all. For me, I will use the cane is used for stealing, lying and bullying, followed by a discussion and the child must have an act of atonement.

Are parents not suppose to feel anger or rather it is not right to show anger to a child. No wonder more and more kids need counselling and psychiatric help as they are being raised to deny one of the most basic human emotions.

This is a very good discussion point. But not to hijack the original thread, I would just like to add that I believe anger is natural and healthy. I tell my child when I'm angry, and why I'm angry. SOmetimes when I'm absolutely furious with him I tell him that I'm talking to him for a while because I'm going to cool off first. So I don't just show him that I\"m angry - I also show him how I cope with the anger. This is because my son has an anger management problem. :oops:

:salute: You are great.:celebrate:

I totally agree with you.

I find it easier to scold my girls than to cane them actually. Why? Words come out instantly and we think it 'hurt less' lor. But when we had to cane them, it took us greater effort to carry out bcos it hurt us just as much as it would hurt them. We always told them that while they might feel the physical pain, our heart ached with every stroke that hit them.

Perhaps, to help us be more clear when we should use the cane, let us share what offences warrant the administration of the cane. Let me start the ball rolling :

I always reminded myself that caning is only for very serious mischiefs n up to the age of seven.
1. For me, lying is sometimes a spontaneous self-defence reaction to something done. So I will try to find out the reason why the child told the lie. How serious the lie was would then determine what types of punishment to give. Just like the way the court mete out sentences according to the seriousness of the offence. So, for me, caning is for serious lying to hide something really mischievous that the child did.

2. Caning for a kid's persistent throwing of tamtrums or shaming the parents in public places.

[smurf]

totally agree with u, deminic.

[kiasimom]

david59:

//Moderator's note: Topics merged.


We should only use the cane for cases that warrant the use of it. It must also be used sparingly, otherwise the kid will get too used to ( immune) enduring the pain inflicted like a hero. If it is done sparingly, the kid will hopefully always dread the thought of being caned and so it acts as a deterrence.

Allow me to share some thought about caning as I recalled those times when my two girls got caned when they were young.

1. In my experience and in sharing with like-minded friends, a good caning must really inflict pain that is more than he or she can bear. ( some parents might brand me a child abuser) Why? Bcos caning lightly will not make the child fears pain. He will likely pretend that it is really painful and cries crocodile tears.
2. For not very serious offences, caning on the palm is adequate. But for very serious ones, caning should be targeted at the buttocks n the pain inflicted must be more painful since the buttocks can absorb the force better. The purpose of caning these two areas only is that others will not see the cane marks which would otherwise causes the child to feel embarassed in public.

Practically all defiant kids will not give in until they are punished. They are actually testing and finding out where the boundary line is and how far they can challenge our authority before the red light starts to blink.
When we issue out any warning to punish, we need to be consistent. Many a parent always gives warning after warning but nothing happens when the kid continues to disobey. When we give a warning or the most a second chance, we must make sure we carry it out if the kid persists. After a few times when such incidents happened, the kid will learn for sure that dad or mum always means business and he will gradually stop the bad habits.
But the most important point to remember is this: we must earn the authority to discipline our kid when we have shown him or her that we truly love him or her.

We are in the same situation.
I use the same approach as you.
Not that we want to cane the kids, but they really know how to make my blood pressure shoot up.
I will only use the cane as a last resort but it always work when I bring out the cane.

[XXXX]

This is a poll to gauge the current sentiment towards corporal punishment (specifically caning) of children in Singapore among this active parent community.


I've tried to keep the question as black and white (binary) as possible, but feel free to add your explanations if you see it as a grey area.

I've also made the poll amendable - so you can change your mind if you are swayed one way or the other by the debate, which I encourage.

[Sun_2010]

Any punishment meted out where I am in control of myself and the child is aware of the consequence is ok.

Any punishment meted out in desperation is not ok.

I do not believe in caning , probably because my parents did not use it in their parenting. In fact I got a hard slap on my back by my father - only once and I remember it till date (I was around 3+ years old )

For me caning is not the issue, it’s how the child perceives the punishment that is important.

The possible actions when the child does something wrong
1.\tI could cane the child.
2.\tI could threaten to take away privileges like TV time, no birthday party whatever that would hurt the child most.
3.\tGive him time out.
4.\tI could scream at the child.

If my child does something wrong and I am outraged that my child could do such a thing, I ill be angry , and very worried what will happen in future , this will make me very emotional. Then I will react. Under these circumstances any of the above options is bad parenting, except for time out . I have been guilty of some of the above at times.

But if I had taken the time to calm down and put it in perspective – what happened, why did the child do it, what are my exact concerns. That done , now I should see, is this a repeat , were some limits/consequences set, was the child aware specifically of the consequences.

Then I could explain to the child the whys and proceed to the set punishment.

As for option 4 – I try to remember that -
“Stick and Stones may break my bones but harsh words do even more”

Ok- all this is as per my parenting manual, not that i religious follow it but its what I aspire to do.
Also what to do I got sharp tongue with a mind of its own? :slapshead:

[XXXX]

Interestingly this poll has had 160+ views and only 14 votes so far.


Please vote! Why view a poll and then not vote?

Is caning a taboo subject in Singapore? Something that should not be discussed?

Don't be coy, if you cane your children please explain how you can possibly justify it.

:spank:

[XXXX]

Sun_2010:

Any punishment meted out where I am in control of myself and the child is aware of the consequence is ok.

Any punishment meted out in desperation is not ok.

I do not believe in caning ,

So you don't believe in caning, but voted Yes in the poll?

From what else you say, it seems you do believe in caning.

Anyway, thanks for your response!

[tutormum]

I believe that caning should be used sparingly. If a child is well brought up, there is very few chances that he will misbehave. I can count on my fingers how many times I've caned my 3 boys. Usually I'll listen to their side of the story and question their behaviour. Once they agreed that they were wrong and deserved it, I caned them. The only part of the body that I cane is their 2 pieces of meat that they sit on. They would bend down on the bed and not allowed to move or use their hands to cover. They would be told how many strokes to expect. They know that I won't cane any other parts but the rule is that if they struggle or block, I'll double the number of strokes. After caning, they will never repeat the same mistake. I also use other form of punishment depending on nature of the offence and caning is seldom an option actually.

I would not let DH cane them cos I'm afraid that he may not be able to control the force used. I only make sure that I use just enough strength to make them feel pain. No excessive force.
I don't have any girl but my advice to all fathers is never to hit your girl. If you do, your girl will grow up thinking that it's alright for a man to use force on her. My father never hit me (cos I was a very good girl :imanangel: ) nor raised his voice at me. Once he was angry with me and wanted to hit me but instead he put his hand next to my face and hit it with his other hand. He did tell me that he loved me too much to hit me. This left a very deep impression on me. It was the only time that I was 'hit' by my father in my whole life.