Lack of drive in Singaporean students a worry

[schweppes]

deminc:

I think drive and motivation are also shaped by parents.

Reading this bit here makes me recall something dd1 said yesterday. She just returned from a 3day school camp. She shared that she bumped into a friend who is from another class. They know each other from a workshop they took together.

dd1, being the friendly girl that she is, asked how her friend was doing. Before she knew it, her friend started sharing her sadness with dd1. Apparently this friend is from the NT class and is often belittled by her family and relatives. She feels that her parents favor her younger brother over her. And even though the girl sought help from the school counsellor to mediate with her parents, her parents were not receptive enough. Her relatives even told her to \"be prepared to be a cleaner\" in future. :slapshead: What terrible relatives :nunchuk: :spank:

dd1 comforted her by asking her friend to disregard what the relatives said. And to be strong and \"prove them wrong!!\"

But the poor girl has been so disillusioned, that according to dd1, she said that no matter how much she tried to comfort and encourage her, her friend was \"not listening\".

All these sharing took place in the washroom at the campsite. Made me wonder that this girl must be so lonely and hurt, that all it took was for one person to ask how she was, for her to pour out her feelings to dd1.

My heart ached when I heard dd1's sharing. I felt very sorry for this girl. At the same time I was also proud that dd1 was there for her, albeit a short moment.

Was just thinking that if the girl's family continue to put her down, then she will have that \"loser's mindset\". Told dd1 that the next time she sees her in school, to be a friend with a listening ear. That we all have our strengths and weaknesses and not to give up trying.

Reading deminc's post was timely. Reminding me that I must be a positive cheerleader in my children's lives :rahrah: :rahrah: and that hopefully, they will be a positive influence to those around them as well.

[Chenonceau]

schweppes:

Reading deminc's post was timely. Reminding me that I must be a positive cheerleader in my children's lives :rahrah: :rahrah: and that hopefully, they will be a positive cheerleader to those around them as well.

:rahrah: :rahrah: :rahrah: :rahrah: :rahrah:

When I was much younger, I gave one-to-one language classes. I worked carefully with a very very quiet girl who had very little self-confidence but was bright. With a lot of encouragement, she made fast progress. I then told her Mom that the lessons should stop, and I praised the girl's progress.

The Mother said one thing \"If you think my daughter is smart, you should look at my son. My daughter is very slow compared to my son.\" With a sideways glance, I noted the expression on her daughter's face. In one sentence, this Mother undid all that I had done for the daughter over weekly lessons of 2 months.

I was furious. I invited the Mother to another room and told her off. After they left, I cried.

Why do people say such hurtful things to their own children?

[schweppes]

Chenonceau:

The Mother said one thing \"If you think my daughter is smart, you should look at my son. My daughter is very slow compared to my son.\" With a sideways glance, I noted the expression on her daughter's face. In one sentence, this Mother undid all that I had done for the daughter over weekly lessons of 2 months.

:gloomy: :gloomy: :faint:

Chenonceau:

I was furious. I invited the Mother to another room and told her off. After they left, I cried.

:hugs:

[Laura02]

Deminc, I agree with what you wrote.


Chenonceau, I feel bad for your former pupil. Speaking from similar experiences, if the girl tries hard, she may still do better in life than the other around her.

I had a Chinese teacher who loved to tell us stories. She told us stories of how Edison failed many times before he succeeded in inventing the lightbulb. She told us many other stories that inspired and encouraged to work hard and perserver dispite the obstacles.

I’m wondering if I should allow my child to fail just so that she learns to pick herself up and motivate herself.

[tutormum]

schweppes:

Chenonceau:

The Mother said one thing \"If you think my daughter is smart, you should look at my son. My daughter is very slow compared to my son.\" With a sideways glance, I noted the expression on her daughter's face. In one sentence, this Mother undid all that I had done for the daughter over weekly lessons of 2 months.

:gloomy: :gloomy: :faint:

Chenonceau:

I was furious. I invited the Mother to another room and told her off. After they left, I cried.

:hugs:

Pity those parents. They don't realise that they have diamonds. From my experience, most of these parents are uneducated or received very little education themselves. I think I did share about one of my students whose mother called her stupid and always compare her to her elder sis. I heard stories from her maids about how bias the mother was. After this girl worked hard and made it to the express stream, her mother slowly changed her attitude towards her. In fact, her mother realised that this girl has better character tracts than her elder sis who was spoilt since young and treat her very differently now. This girl is now the strength of the family and very gungho in her approach in life.

[pepper spice]

insider:

I still stick back to my 'principle' of raising kids - expectation 60 - 70/100, the time needed to score for the next 30 - 40 marks pls used them to go and play, go and do something that they are interested.

Even if not graduating from 'elite' schools or from NUS or whatever, I am kind of very sure my kids can out beat many elite kids subsequently in later part of life coz they possess certain inner qualities that cannot be learnt from books alone. Maybe these qualities summarised as the 'drive' that the thread is talking about...

You are wise !

日本教育家的爸爸：60分就合格！

有名的日本教育家铃木镇一，致力于学龄前的儿童教育，每年会培养出700个小提琴神童，他奉行的音乐才能教育被欧美有识之士命名为“莫扎特教育风暴”。他回想自己的成就时，非常感激他那与众不同的父亲。

铃木上小学时，日本也是靠考试成绩来考察学生，学生的学习压力都很大。一次，铃木考试只得了60分，老师狠狠地批评了他。忐忑不安的铃木羞愧万分，回家后垂头丧气。

“傻孩子，老师对你的批评是不对的。”父亲平静而和蔼地安慰他。“你每科都考到60分就可以了。”

儿子非常讶异：“60分怎么行呢？”

父亲回答：“60分怎么就不行呢？能考100分当然很好，但考够60分就说明你及格了，及格就是合格。既然合格了，还有必要为第一第二那些虚名浪费时间和精力吗？求知是人世间最大的欢乐，绝不是为了争第一，如果你想到的只是分数，那求知不就成了一种苦难吗？”

爸爸的一番话卸掉了铃木镇一的困扰，从此，铃木花时间完成学校的课业后，将很多时间都用来阅读自己喜欢的各类书籍，或者去野外观察、游玩。虽然他的学习成绩不是同学中最好的，但他读过的书却是别人的很多倍，他观察大自然的时间也是别人的很多倍。这些激发了他强烈的求知欲和想象力，也培养了良好的思维方式。

[Lance G.0723 King]

I think two key forces are at work here:

1) If children are relentlessly pressured to achieve by parents and teachers using the carrot of a 'good job' and the stick of 'being a failure' then all their motivation to learn will be generated by external influences and they will not learn how to generate intrinsic motivation - a desire to learn for understanding, for personal improvement, for self satisfaction. the consequences of which will be that when the pressure is released, they achieve the goal, get their qualification, their job, they are left with no strategies of self-motivation and no drive. When we as parents or teachers provide our children with the pressure and the drive to succeed we are robbing them of the opportunity to learn how to motivate themselves - we are making them helpless.
2) When we focus on the idea of our children's 'intelligence' as being the determinant of success (praising being smart, boasting about IQ) we are focusing their minds on something over which they have no control. So when they succeed they think of themselves as smart and when they don't they suspect that they might be not smart enough. If on the other hand we focus our praise on the effort they are putting in and the strategies they are using we are focusing their minds on things that they have control over - they can always do more or do differently. So when they have a learning problem or lack of success they will be inclined to try new strategies and techniques, to put in more effort and to persist.

Are you familiar with professor Carol Dweck's work on what she calls 'Mindsets'? Here is a good video explaining the ideas - worth a look http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTXrV0_3UjY

[tutormum]

Lance G. King:

I think two key forces are at work here:

1) If children are relentlessly pressured to achieve by parents and teachers using the carrot of a 'good job' and the stick of 'being a failure' then all their motivation to learn will be generated by external influences and they will not learn how to generate intrinsic motivation - a desire to learn for understanding, for personal improvement, for self satisfaction. the consequences of which will be that when the pressure is released, they achieve the goal, get their qualification, their job, they are left with no strategies of self-motivation and no drive. When we as parents or teachers provide our children with the pressure and the drive to succeed we are robbing them of the opportunity to learn how to motivate themselves - we are making them helpless.
2) When we focus on the idea of our children's 'intelligence' as being the determinant of success (praising being smart, boasting about IQ) we are focusing their minds on something over which they have no control. So when they succeed they think of themselves as smart and when they don't they suspect that they might be not smart enough. If on the other hand we focus our praise on the effort they are putting in and the strategies they are using we are focusing their minds on things that they have control over - they can always do more or do differently. So when they have a learning problem or lack of success they will be inclined to try new strategies and techniques, to put in more effort and to persist.

Are you familiar with professor Carol Dweck's work on what she calls 'Mindsets'? Here is a good video explaining the ideas - worth a look http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTXrV0_3UjY

:goodpost:
When children do what their parents want, where got motivation? If children are allowed to do what they want, they'll give their all and you'll see the \"DRIVE\" The earlier the parents realise this, the less heartache there'll be. :siam: One very good example is my DS1. The only time he studied was just few months before PSLE and O Level. Can pass good liao. The rest of his time was spent on soccer and NPCC (in sec school). I've got to buy a new pair of school shoes every month cos there would be a big hole due to his 'soccer practice' after school. :faint: He loved NPCC so much that he 'aspire' to be a police officer. I told him it's his life and as long as it's not illegal, he got my support. Now, he's doing well in the force and after realising that he needs a degree to move up in this society, he's studying part-time. I've never seen him worked so hard before. He aimed to get distinction for every module. On top of that, he's in one of the soccer teams in the force and plays in inter-competitions. :rahrah: :boogie:

[concern2]

tutormum:

When children do what their parents want, where got motivation? If children are allowed to do what they want, they'll give their all and you'll see the \"DRIVE\" The earlier the parents realise this, the less heartache there'll be. :siam: One very good example is my DS1. The only time he studied was just few months before PSLE and O Level. Can pass good liao. The rest of his time was spent on soccer and NPCC (in sec school). I've got to buy a new pair of school shoes every month cos there would be a big hole due to his 'soccer practice' after school. :faint: He loved NPCC so much that he 'aspire' to be a police officer. I told him it's his life and as long as it's not illegal, he got my support. Now, he's doing well in the force and after realising that he needs a degree to move up in this society, he's studying part-time. I've never seen him worked so hard before. He aimed to get distinction for every module. On top of that, he's in one of the soccer teams in the force and plays in inter-competitions. :rahrah: :boogie:

It is very heartwarming to hear such drive coming from the kids themselves.

Chenonceau:

The Mother said one thing \"If you think my daughter is smart, you should look at my son. My daughter is very slow compared to my son.\" With a sideways glance, I noted the expression on her daughter's face. In one sentence, this Mother undid all that I had done for the daughter over weekly lessons of 2 months.

:faint: Chenonceau, I feel so sad for the girl too - and I know exactly what you mean by all the hard work that you have done - and the girl's too- going down the drain. Parents are often the whole world to the children when they're young, and it matters most what parents think of them.

[concern2]

Lance G. King:

2) When we focus on the idea of our children's 'intelligence' as being the determinant of success (praising being smart, boasting about IQ) we are focusing their minds on something over which they have no control. So when they succeed they think of themselves as smart and when they don't they suspect that they might be not smart enough. If on the other hand we focus our praise on the effort they are putting in and the strategies they are using we are focusing their minds on things that they have control over - they can always do more or do differently. So when they have a learning problem or lack of success they will be inclined to try new strategies and techniques, to put in more effort and to persist.

Are you familiar with professor Carol Dweck's work on what she calls 'Mindsets'? Here is a good video explaining the ideas - worth a look http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTXrV0_3UjY

:goodpost: Interesting post, Lance G. King!