Small fish in big pond or big fish in small pond?
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Spending this morning reading the past few posts has given me a lot of food for thought. DH & I are very passionate about imparting the value of choices & consequences. What’s important too is giving age-appropriate choices - that’s the tension. What will be decisions that our children can make on their own free will at a particular age? Having 4 children now (I just delivered baby no 4! and now in confinement), I ask myself, how do I decide what decisions/choices would I allow my children to make at their particular age? Thinking back on my first 3 kids, I realized that giving freedom of choice without awareness/education is like throwing your child to the black hole.
When my kids were in pre-school/toddler, it’s alot of teaching about this connection between choice & consequence from concrete daily egs like touch fire, you get burnt. Disobey certain house rules, you experience punishment. Obey certain rules, you get rewarded. If kids didn’t have this foundation where parents model consistency in executing the link between choice & consequence, it becomes difficult in the primary school years. The idea of choice is really a complex one, - it’s hard enough even for adults to understand truly what it means to exercise one’s personal will and to live with the expected & unintended consequences of one’s actions - hence, we need to also realize that that when we give important decisions to our kids to make, this power of choosing has both intended & unintended consequences. There will be certain decisions that are as predictable as "place your hand on hot stove, you experience pain" and there will be decisions where you do A, and you may predict you get B and then something else which is beyond your knowing. How do we teach our children to be comfortable with ambiguity and taking risks in the face of the unknown? That’s the challenge of parenting.
As a parent, I have a theory of happiness and success and my children "catches" that theory by watching how I lead my life and the choices I make. And then I catch myself, that this theory that worked for me may not necessarily work for my children because they are unique individuals. DS1 & D2 are now more at the "conversation" age and I ask myself, how do I have conversations that help them become more aware of Values that guide their choices and yet help them to understand the idea of living with ambiguity, change, intended & unintended consequences. Yet, the "controller" side of me will hand out a checklist of choices that explicitly teaches my kids about choices I do not ever want them to make for eg smoking, taking drugs, watching pornography, etc. I tell them that there are choices they could make that could end up with them living the consequences for the rest of their life. Not to frighten them, but just stating them as a matter-a-fact. I remembered my mother’s voice - No smoking, No drinking, No gambling. House rules. Till this day, I’ve not touched a single cigarette, drank a bit but never gotten drunk, played mahjong, got alittle addicted found it detrimental to my sanity, gave it up many years ago. Mother’s rules. Made sense. -
Spent the last hour reading this and I must admit this is a very interesting topic. My children are in P2 now and this is the right time for me to start seeing truly where they stand and if they ought to be big fish in small pond or small fish in big pond.
However, like all parents, I feel they, especially my DS has loads of potential, but he is so lazy. Hates writing and will look for the easiest way out. I too keep telling them this "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction" to tell them about the consequences of their deeds. But sometimes, it is so difficult to keep quite when you know they are doing wrong. What do you all do in such situations? -
Hi Beanbear,
I have sent you a pm. Hope that you can advise me…
TIA … -
Hello folks!
Just some food for thought.. Which would you rather your child be? A big fish in a small pond or a small fish in a big pond?
We just shared our two cents worth at %5Bb%5Dhttp%3A//www.mattseducation.com/blogarchive.php?id=12%5B/b%5D. Let us know what you think..
PS: As always, we thought it'd be interesting to share our thoughts on some hot-button issues in the education sector. No disrespect to anyone
Cheers!
Matt -
Big fish in small pond to begin with, then a small fish in a big pond later on.
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For me, it depends on character, personality, adaptability and EQ of my child.
Some kids can thrive as small fish in big pond, gradually gaining size and become big fish in big pond. As a small fish, they are not afraid of the big fish, they find their own place in the big pond and grow. This type of kid when placed in a good class or top school is confident of himself and is not affected by others who are much cleverer than them. In fact they enjoy being with their smarter classmates.
On the other hand, another type of kid can never survive in a good class or top sec Sch. He is afraid - so afraid when he learns with much smarter classmates that he loses confidence in himself, he wonders why he never aces the tests when he was so good last time, he still lives in past glory, he’s tired of swimming so hard in the big pond, his grades slide and he may be better off as a big fish in small pond.
Any big fish in small pond will ultimately still have to swim and upgrade into a big pond one day. He won’t and can’t stay forever in a small pond. So the test is earlier or later, matter of time.
At a younger age eg primary school and secondary school, i prefer my kids to be a comfortable fish in whichever size pond ie he does not feel small or bad about himself and learn in a condusive environment with a reasonably high self esteem.
I focus more on the final destination - the great seas. I hope that in the final seas which my kid sails to, he will finally find his own placing with good confidence. Meanwhile during the journey from pond to sea, I hope he will not be swallowed by the ugly creatures called ‘Demoralisation’, ‘Depression’ and ‘Lost Confidence’. It’s a long journey from pond to sea so I want to remind myself to strike a balance in every stage of his education life. What if our kid is big fish all the way then become a tiny fish at the most important final stage when they meet the other foreign, more aggressive and smarter fishes of which 45% obtain second upper honors and above. Then at that stage do we regret and say, ‘I wish I had not deprived your childhood. I should have just let you go out play more and watch that movie you have wanted to watch…’ -
Snow Crystal:
For me, it depends on character, personality, adaptability and EQ of my child.
Some kids can thrive as small fish in big pond, gradually gaining size and become big fish in big pond. As a small fish, they are not afraid of the big fish, they find their own place in the big pond and grow. This type of kid when placed in a good class or top school is confident of himself and is not affected by others who are much cleverer than them. In fact they enjoy being with their smarter classmates.
On the other hand, another type of kid can never survive in a good class or top sec Sch. He is afraid - so afraid when he learns with much smarter classmates that he loses confidence in himself, he wonders why he never aces the tests when he was so good last time, he still lives in past glory, he's tired of swimming so hard in the big pond, his grades slide and he may be better off as a big fish in small pond.
Any big fish in small pond will ultimately still have to swim and upgrade into a big pond one day. He won't and can't stay forever in a small pond. So the test is earlier or later, matter of time.
At a younger age eg primary school and secondary school, i prefer my kids to be a comfortable fish in whichever size pond ie he does not feel small or bad about himself and learn in a condusive environment with a reasonably high self esteem.
I focus more on the final destination - the great seas. I hope that in the final seas which my kid sails to, he will finally find his own placing with good confidence. Meanwhile during the journey from pond to sea, I hope he will not be swallowed by the ugly creatures called 'Demoralisation', 'Depression' and 'Lost Confidence'. It's a long journey from pond to sea so I want to remind myself to strike a balance in every stage of his education life. What if our kid is big fish all the way then become a tiny fish at the most important final stage when they meet the other foreign, more aggressive and smarter fishes of which 45% obtain second upper honors and above. Then at that stage do we regret and say, 'I wish I had not deprived your childhood. I should have just let you go out play more and watch that movie you have wanted to watch.....'
AGREE! :goodpost: -
Snow Crystal:
agreed with your posts.For me, it depends on character, personality, adaptability and EQ of my child.
but having said that, do we totally know our children's capability? we are afterall, not them.
do we really know if they are really suited for small or big pond?
sometimes, you won't know unless you try. and sometimes, you don't want to try because you are afraid, not because you can't. comfort zone may be one of the many reasons fish in small pond chose to remain in small pond.
hm..do i make sense?
regardless what pond, can swim can already. cannot swim then throw in a life jacket. -
jedamum:
Yes yes of course you make sense
agreed with your posts.
but having said that, do we totally know our children's capability? we are afterall, not them.
do we really know if they are really suited for small or big pond?
sometimes, you won't know unless you try. and sometimes, you don't want to try because you are afraid, not because you can't. comfort zone may be one of the many reasons fish in small pond chose to remain in small pond.
hm..do i make sense?
regardless what pond, can swim can already. cannot swim then throw in a life jacket.
Nowadays pri schools have tougher ones (some call them branded) and neighbourhood type. And for many pri schools, kids are streamed into better classes, twinning classes in GEP schools etc. I think we can take some initial hint from the kid's attitude and behavior in a so-called branded/tougher primary school or in a supposed better class he/she is streamed into. I personally observe some top kids do not do well and feel small when they are streamed into better classes. I am not child psychologist but I personally feel that this type of kids may thrive better in a small pond. Just a mummy's simple observation and gut feel. -
I agree with jedamum. I don’t deliberately look for big or small pond but just ensure my child can swim and mingle with fishes with good character.
I am not quite for the idea of small pond because it is an aritificial environment I am creating for my child and raise the esteem so high…then later fall harder.
I would not look for big pond to drown the child as well…so bottomline is I prefer to ensure the child can swim, can tread water, then swim any style she wants…academic, CCA…whatever style as long as she is happy in the pond. Happy and balanced kids yield results.
But then again, every child is different so parents should know what kind of pond they thrive best. Mine is willing to go either way.
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