Husband drinks & stays out late - Does yours?

[Chenonceau]

Funz:

Just hanging out with my kakis lah.

Must give face or no face if leave so early when all still there
Need to unwind after work, very stress
Business entertainment, no choice
Boss there no choice
This fellas b'day, promo, last day, etc
One last drink and I'll be home. 3hrs laters still not home

I've heard all these, I've gone through all these. Our house was beautifully renovated. Friends love to hang out at our place. Wine, liquor, coffee, tea, snacks, you name it we have it. Still he was out most nights. Then came DD, thought with DD along, he might find reasons to be home earlier and more so since we bring DD home only on Friday nights from my parents'. But nope, come Fridays, I am alone at my parents' to bring DD home and when I reach home, it was just DD and me, until the wee hours of the morning. His reason, it is Fri, end of work week, go for drinks to unwind. Saturdays, golf day, his only passion, after golf, hang around for a drink with golf kakis, diff from weekday drink kakis. On Sunday, he's a walking zombie. DS came along and it was still like that.

That was my life then. I called, I reasoned, I requested, I screamed. In the end, I went on strike. Since he did not treat it as a home and did not think that he has a part to play in upkeeping this home/family, he was just a tenant. I stopped doing his laundry and making his breakfast, stopped replenishing his toiletries, or cleaning up after him, I stopped calling him to see if he was coming back or if he was safe, etc. I stopped including him in my plans. Basically, I started living my life without bothering about his plans or schedule. I assumed that he will not be there.

When I started doing that, I felt sad but at least I was less angsty. There were no more tears. I guess when you adjust your expectations, you deal with disappointments better. I built a wall around myself so that I could stop hurting. I was able to function. Not ideal but at least our kiddos still had a daddy, well, when he decided to be around, and life was a tad more peaceful.

DH was not ready to change. At that point, I gave up on DH ever putting me or the family first. I stopped caring so much about DH so that I can give my kids a calmer environment. Makes sense? When I stopped caring so much, I was calmer, less bitter, less angry, more fun. Seriously, not ideal and very dysfunctional but that was how I made it through those years.

And weirdly, the more I withdrew from DH, the more he reached out. Maybe it was a matter of timing. By then he was in his late 30s and his career was kind of settling, actually a bit derailed then and he needed support. Unfortunately, my walls were too high and thick by then and I did not realise. DH had to use a battering ram and confront me head on about my detachment towards him and in the process, open up a dam of resentment. Once that was out in the open, we started to work towards mending our relationship.

Thinking back, would I have done things differently, I think not. How I handled the whole situation was very much me. If I had not withdrawn from DH, I think I would have been a manic mess emotionally. I took care of myself first, the way I know how. In doing so, I was able to see to the needs of our kids.

DH and I are doing fine now. It is constantly a work in progress but we have moved pass that sad lonely period.

For those who are experiencing what I went through, way I see it, you can hope that your guy will see light soon. In the mean time, take care of yourselves. So that when your guy's eyes finally open, he will see the same you or even an improved you instead of a shadow of who you were when you first met. Or if you think that your guy will never change but you do not want your kids to have divorced parents, again take care of yourselves so that you can be a pillar of strength for them. Whatever your decision in a situation like this, take care of yourself first.

Thank you for sharing. It was very very touching and I think very helpful to people who are going through this now.

You're an amazing person.

[3Boys]

Is the imprinting so poor for our boys that they behave in such a way towards their wives and children? My DW probably has more time out with her friends (every couple of months) than I do with my pals. When I am out for drinks it far more often with the wife than not.

[Chenonceau]

3Boys:

Is the imprinting so poor for our boys that they behave in such a way towards their wives and children? My DW probably has more time out with her friends (every couple of months) than I do with my pals. When I am out for drinks it far more often with the wife than not.

My husband and I are like that too. We entertain a great deal together. We hang out with each other a lot... and we never frequent night spots. It's not my habit and it has never been his. I am thankful for that.

[sleepy]

3Boys:

Is the imprinting so poor for our boys that they behave in such a way towards their wives and children? My DW probably has more time out with her friends (every couple of months) than I do with my pals. When I am out for drinks it far more often with the wife than not.

Hey, don't flaunt, wait kanna hamtam here :evil:
You're 新好男人 la, your wife very lucky yo

[LOLMum]

Funz:

There were times when I failed to reach DH, I had to resort to calling some of these people whom he might be hanging out with. It was embarassing both for him and for me.

very embarassing, i say.

yupe, hehehe just like a mil calls the wife every 5 minutes to ask for his wherebaouts etc when she cant get him. can even call his boss, workmates, primary school friends, secondary school friends, uni frineds, church friends, pastor, dr, the tea lady and maybe the girlfriend.... :rotflmao:

everyone's reaction would be like \"huh, mama's boy\".........

so if it is the wife who called everyone, words on the street would be \"xxx is henpecked\", \"xxx's wife always check on him, poor guy no freedom\"...............etc.

[BeContented]

Deleted

[Funz]

3Boys:

Is the imprinting so poor for our boys that they behave in such a way towards their wives and children? My DW probably has more time out with her friends (every couple of months) than I do with my pals. When I am out for drinks it far more often with the wife than not.

You, my dear, are one in a million. Someone who is evolved and yet managed to retain that manliness. :evil:

A lot of times, these boys or even girls are not prepared for the changes that married life will bring. They think that it is just a matter of walking down the aisle and signing some papers and saying \"I do\" and life goes on as per normal. Another problem is a lot of our boys and girls have not experienced living on their own, most live with their parents until marriage so they know nothing about keeping house. Women being women, we are wired in such a way that we are predisposed to 'nurturing'. So when given a home, we want to 'nurture' that home so women tend to settle down much faster then men do once married.

My very simple way of thinking. hehe.

[3Boys]

J you st very distressing to me that people can eter into a marriage and treat their spouse with such contempt. Upbringing is all wrong. Hope our boys take the right things from their parents. We are far from perfect but we have a lot of affection for each other and a lot of give and take, makes it easy.

[Funz]

Is it all that surprising that guys behave like that?


From early childhood. When it comes play, most parents will balk at the idea if their sons prefer to play with masak masak and dolls instead of guns and soccer. Girls are encouraged to stay home to play while boys are encouraged to go out and play. Boys should be outside playing games, running, etc while girls should be inside playing with their barbie dolls and cooking set. Isn't this the age old stereotype. These days, even though more are encouraging girls to be out playing boy stuff, few are encouraging the boys to play the girl stuff.

My oldest is a girl. DH panicked when he saw DS picking up DD's girlie toys and started playing with them. He promptly went out and picked out guns and pirate swords and all the boy stuff for DS. He was not happy when DS prefers to play masak masak with DD instead of playing with the guns he bought.

So yeah, the imprint on a lot of our guys is such. They are suppose to be out playing, not home.

Ok :offtopic: oredi.

[LOLMum]

Funz:

Is it all that surprising that guys behave like that?


From early childhood. When it comes play, most parents will balk at the idea if their sons prefer to play with masak masak and dolls instead of guns and soccer. Girls are encouraged to stay home to play while boys are encouraged to go out and play. Boys should be outside playing games, running, etc while girls should be inside playing with their barbie dolls and cooking set. Isn't this the age old stereotype. These days, even though more are encouraging girls to be out playing boy stuff, few are encouraging the boys to play the girl stuff.

My oldest is a girl. DH panicked when he saw DS picking up DD's girlie toys and started playing with them. He promptly went out and picked out guns and pirate swords and all the boy stuff for DS. He was not happy when DS prefers to play masak masak with DD instead of playing with the guns he bought.

So yeah, the imprint on a lot of our guys is such. They are suppose to be out playing, not home.

Ok :offtopic: oredi.

luckily ds doenst mind wearing pink cos as we always say a colour is a colour. there is no law that say only girls can wear pink....