dunno is im not a good wife or he just wan to find fault

[mamago]

Men have difficulty managing their emotions… as simple as women would like to think…

but emotion like sadness, anger, frustration, feeling lousy, helpless, solitary and being let down… is not easy for them to put down in words…

In our world, men have to upheld to certain expectations, they judge themselves, and they come down hard on themselves… it’s much more than we women can ever understand…

[Dreamaurora]

I know of relatives who act like that, and as a man I can tell you that some men act like that towards their wives or kids because of inferiority complex. That means most likely at workplace or his own family he was looked down upon or considered underperforming. Therefore he criticized things that you do because it made him feel superior to you. There is also a good chance that your inlaws had the same problem as children often emulate how their parents act towards each other. Men crave respect and ego trip. If they cannot get it from other people, they may resort to putting down other people to feel good about themselves.


What I suggest you can do is to try to make your husband feels more respected. When you ask him to do something such as buying dinner back or fixing the lightbulb, praise him at his resourcefullness and skill. And hopefully he will reprocicate your respect to him. Do discuss with him if there’s any issues bugging him now, but be kind and understanding towards it.

[Blessedwife]

Yes I agreed with Dreamaurora.


Men want respect and feel respected. Not that we women don’t need but men really needs more of it.

I always praise my hubby whenever I have the chance. Also, I call him "boss" or "一家之主. He will reciprocate and do the same to me. At least, he treats me the same when he felt that he was being loved and respected by me and our son.

[Blessedwife]

U can try to SMS or whatsapp or msn him love message or just simply put \"I love u\" can we talk?


I find sometimes men can express better when they are not looking at you. we can communicate better if somethings are difficult to say out via SMS.

We cannot expect men to always say I love u but at least now my hubby knows to SMS me these precious 3 magic words and it is good enough for me

Of course this will only work provided your hubby has the patience to SMS and bother to reply.

Hope you can find your strengths thru your kids.

[ammonite]

I disagree with most, but anyway, do make sure that you do not allow your two boys to treat you like this or you will have a very tough time as they get older and stronger.

[Funz]

bunnievivi:

I need advice... im married for 5 years with 2 boys age 3 and 4. Ever since i had my 1st boy born out, whateva i do.. my hubby will find fault with me. Why do i always be the one care n bother about kids and family things when he only find fault in me?

Buy food, the seller mever put chilli when i said i want chilli, my fault.
When q-ing for food, i reaponse slow, im timid and useless.
When i got bullied by workplace people, i brainless.
When bring kids out, kids fall down, im blind.
When he promise to go out with kids and back out. Im selfish.
When i want to go out eat with friends, im money spender.
When he put words into my mouth, i face other side, im playing mind games and i need to watch out.
Is there a need to push me to e end?
How i wish i can earn more money! So i can bring my sons for enrichment course!!!!
Just enquiries ffom sch for some helps, im wearing big hat with no brain.
I just feel so tired!!!!

Sounds to me like it is bordering on emotional abuse, especially the part where he says to watch out. People who do that have low self esteem and they need to put people down to feel good about themselves. Over time, he will wear you down if you let him. Some women who are not so self assured will start to believe what the man tells them, that they are useless or worthless.

While it is necessary to boost your husband's ego by making him feel good, it should not be done at the expense of your own self esteem. Personally I think, keeping quiet and backing down to avoid quarrels only serve to reinforce such behaviour in the man. Not that I am asking you to go quarrel with him but the next time he does something like that, just tell him that what he says hurts you and it does not help matters at all. What will help is his support, not criticism. If he starts getting worked up, tell him you are not there to pick a quarrel, you just want him to stop hurting you.

Hope things can improve.

[ammonite]

Excellent balanced advice Funz!

[fightingmom]

Funz:

bunnievivi:

I need advice... im married for 5 years with 2 boys age 3 and 4. Ever since i had my 1st boy born out, whateva i do.. my hubby will find fault with me. Why do i always be the one care n bother about kids and family things when he only find fault in me?

Buy food, the seller mever put chilli when i said i want chilli, my fault.
When q-ing for food, i reaponse slow, im timid and useless.
When i got bullied by workplace people, i brainless.
When bring kids out, kids fall down, im blind.
When he promise to go out with kids and back out. Im selfish.
When i want to go out eat with friends, im money spender.
When he put words into my mouth, i face other side, im playing mind games and i need to watch out.
Is there a need to push me to e end?
How i wish i can earn more money! So i can bring my sons for enrichment course!!!!
Just enquiries ffom sch for some helps, im wearing big hat with no brain.
I just feel so tired!!!!

Sounds to me like it is bordering on emotional abuse, especially the part where he says to watch out. People who do that have low self esteem and they need to put people down to feel good about themselves. Over time, he will wear you down if you let him. Some women who are not so self assured will start to believe what the man tells them, that they are useless or worthless.

While it is necessary to boost your husband's ego by making him feel good, it should not be done at the expense of your own self esteem. Personally I think, keeping quiet and backing down to avoid quarrels only serve to reinforce such behaviour in the man. Not that I am asking you to go quarrel with him but the next time he does something like that, just tell him that what he says hurts you and it does not help matters at all. What will help is his support, not criticism. If he starts getting worked up, tell him you are not there to pick a quarrel, you just want him to stop hurting you.

Hope things can improve.

:goodpost: Funz!

[verykiasumummy]

bunnievivi:

I need advice... im married for 5 years with 2 boys age 3 and 4. Ever since i had my 1st boy born out, whateva i do.. my hubby will find fault with me. Why do i always be the one care n bother about kids and family things when he only find fault in me?

Buy food, the seller mever put chilli when i said i want chilli, my fault.
When q-ing for food, i reaponse slow, im timid and useless.
When i got bullied by workplace people, i brainless.
When bring kids out, kids fall down, im blind.
When he promise to go out with kids and back out. Im selfish.
When i want to go out eat with friends, im money spender.
When he put words into my mouth, i face other side, im playing mind games and i need to watch out.
Is there a need to push me to e end?
How i wish i can earn more money! So i can bring my sons for enrichment course!!!!
Just enquiries ffom sch for some helps, im wearing big hat with no brain.
I just feel so tired!!!!

it sounds like u r having a great hell of time in ur family...

i do agree that men have their ego and we wifes have to boost their ego at times to make them feel good... but this is certainly not at the expense of your sufferings...

a gd husband will know when to stop his egoism when he sensed that wife is not right.. if he fails to realise that, means either u r giving in way too much or that he is insensitive to u or that he doesnt even bother..

no matter what it is, u should voice out your opinion.. use his words back on him... eg if he were to make another mistake somehow, u can tell him off using the same words n manner he scolded u with... make him realise that he had been doing this to u all the time..

if he is gd enough, u can look forward to a better life ahead... but if not, u need to try other ways to make him change his attitude towards u... there is -no such thing as a always-accomodating-wife + take-for-granted-husband = obedient kids.

whatever he does to u, ur kids will follow too... they will say, \"daddy also does that\"...

[Dreamaurora]

Funz:

bunnievivi:

I need advice... im married for 5 years with 2 boys age 3 and 4. Ever since i had my 1st boy born out, whateva i do.. my hubby will find fault with me. Why do i always be the one care n bother about kids and family things when he only find fault in me?

Buy food, the seller mever put chilli when i said i want chilli, my fault.
When q-ing for food, i reaponse slow, im timid and useless.
When i got bullied by workplace people, i brainless.
When bring kids out, kids fall down, im blind.
When he promise to go out with kids and back out. Im selfish.
When i want to go out eat with friends, im money spender.
When he put words into my mouth, i face other side, im playing mind games and i need to watch out.
Is there a need to push me to e end?
How i wish i can earn more money! So i can bring my sons for enrichment course!!!!
Just enquiries ffom sch for some helps, im wearing big hat with no brain.
I just feel so tired!!!!

Sounds to me like it is bordering on emotional abuse, especially the part where he says to watch out. People who do that have low self esteem and they need to put people down to feel good about themselves. Over time, he will wear you down if you let him. Some women who are not so self assured will start to believe what the man tells them, that they are useless or worthless.

While it is necessary to boost your husband's ego by making him feel good, it should not be done at the expense of your own self esteem. Personally I think, keeping quiet and backing down to avoid quarrels only serve to reinforce such behaviour in the man. Not that I am asking you to go quarrel with him but the next time he does something like that, just tell him that what he says hurts you and it does not help matters at all. What will help is his support, not criticism. If he starts getting worked up, tell him you are not there to pick a quarrel, you just want him to stop hurting you.

Hope things can improve.

I understand where you are coming from. I am fully aware what the husband did caused much distress hence the post here. And I am sure no wives ever want to be treated like that. But by confronting the husband directly or opposing him when he starts doing that will be akin to add fuel to the fire. It may lead to ugly confrontations in the public.

One thing I learn over the years in marriage if I want to effect a change in my spouse is to make sure she feels loved first and that I sincerely want her to change because I love her and want her to be a better person. Not because I am irritated or upset at her. I definitely do not advocate not doing anything or keeping quiet. There should be clear dialogues to thrash out issues that need to be fixed, but one should not engange in such dialogues because of anger or emotions. I know that most posters here are females hence the strong reactions here, that's why I provide my viewpoint here from a male perspective.