Complete loss on helping a p5 special need boy

[beanbear]

Chenonceau:

yxl:

Thanks so much for sharing chen. Perhaps it really the emotion that I need to work on. I will learn and try to be more patient.


I think I have to keep reminding myself that it's already a blessing that he is healthy right now after having been thru 2 liver transplant at a young age.

Don't forego that emotional connection for school results. Ever. It's just not worth it in the larger perspective. A neighbour of mine used to lecture at NIE. She taught teachers how to teach Math. Her own son failed Math quite consistently. When my book came out, she read it from cover to cover and then she came to me eyes wet.

She regrets. So much. Her child is 18... and it is too late to turn the clock back.

Her relationship with her child was poor in the past 10 years. So many years spent in anger at each other. Years of loving joy that Satan stole from this family. Today, they have a distant relationship. Her child, because of all the anger and toxic emotion arising from the mother's inability to control her own anger, disappointment and frustration... hated to study and did poorly in school. Performed far below his potential. The child paid a price in grades.

The whole family paid a price in love.

Do not sacrifice LOVE at the altar of grades because in life, when push comes to shove, it is LOVE that binds a family together and sees individuals through challenges of EVERY sort. If the mother's love had not been clouded by toxic emotion, I think that child would have been a high flyer indeed.

Our fear... our stress... our anger poison our children, and cause them to falter at the key challenges of their lives where they NEED to stay steady. These toxic emotions poison family relationships and leave parents bereft of youthful companionship in our old age. It's not worth it to gain all the academic success in the world to lose your child. There is a reason why God called anger, a sin. It is even worse when Satan leads you to invest in toxic emotions and you lose BOTH your child and the academic success that could have been his.

This is what happened to my neighbor... years that Satan stole away.

At this point, I would like to speak blessings into your home. May your home overflow with love so rich that your faces shine with it.

Thanks Chen for these spirit-filled words. Brought tears to my eyes. I too have struggled so much these past years with DD's learning difficulties. She's been going for therapy for past 8 months. I found it terribly difficult to rein in my own fears & helplessness which turned into anger each time I had to revise work or teach her. When I bought your book and read the chapter on emotional connection, I really found it hard to do it. Something was blocking the flow of love. But I didn't give up.

I sought help for my own anger issues. I sought forgiveness from my DD. I admitted to her that I was afraid, really afraid that her academic failures will translate into career failures. It was a good thing to be able to talk about my anger with my children; that it's not their fault but my own inadequacy to face my own fears.

These past 3 weeks of revising work with DD surprised me. I usually get edgy but something happened and I was able to ignite the emotional connection. We celebrated many moments of success; each time she triumphed over a difficult Maths problem, we clapped, giggled, high-fived and I could see she felt like there was a flow of positive energy into her. Each day, she looked forward to the revision and she was gaining confidence.

She just did her Maths SA2 yesterday. For the first time, I saw she was really motivated to do well, yet feeling frightened that the exam would be too difficult. She had worked really hard and I told her I was very proud of how much effort she put in and we shall leave the results to God. Inwardly, I was a little proud of myself too. I kept my anger at bay. Must have been the grace of God.

I learnt something precious these past weeks. My child really draws strength and inspiration from me. She believes in herself when I truly believe in her and really show that I believe it.

[Chenonceau]

beanbear:

Chenonceau:

Don't forego that emotional connection for school results. Ever. It's just not worth it in the larger perspective. A neighbour of mine used to lecture at NIE. She taught teachers how to teach Math. Her own son failed Math quite consistently. When my book came out, she read it from cover to cover and then she came to me eyes wet.

She regrets. So much. Her child is 18... and it is too late to turn the clock back.

Her relationship with her child was poor in the past 10 years. So many years spent in anger at each other. Years of loving joy that Satan stole from this family. Today, they have a distant relationship. Her child, because of all the anger and toxic emotion arising from the mother's inability to control her own anger, disappointment and frustration... hated to study and did poorly in school. Performed far below his potential. The child paid a price in grades.

The whole family paid a price in love.

Do not sacrifice LOVE at the altar of grades because in life, when push comes to shove, it is LOVE that binds a family together and sees individuals through challenges of EVERY sort. If the mother's love had not been clouded by toxic emotion, I think that child would have been a high flyer indeed.

Our fear... our stress... our anger poison our children, and cause them to falter at the key challenges of their lives where they NEED to stay steady. These toxic emotions poison family relationships and leave parents bereft of youthful companionship in our old age. It's not worth it to gain all the academic success in the world to lose your child. There is a reason why God called anger, a sin. It is even worse when Satan leads you to invest in toxic emotions and you lose BOTH your child and the academic success that could have been his.

This is what happened to my neighbor... years that Satan stole away.

At this point, I would like to speak blessings into your home. May your home overflow with love so rich that your faces shine with it.

Thanks Chen for these spirit-filled words. Brought tears to my eyes. I too have struggled so much these past years with DD's learning difficulties. She's been going for therapy for past 8 months. I found it terribly difficult to rein in my own fears & helplessness which turned into anger each time I had to revise work or teach her. When I bought your book and read the chapter on emotional connection, I really found it hard to do it. Something was blocking the flow of love. But I didn't give up.

I sought help for my own anger issues. I sought forgiveness from my DD. I admitted to her that I was afraid, really afraid that her academic failures will translate into career failures. It was a good thing to be able to talk about my anger with my children; that it's not their fault but my own inadequacy to face my own fears.

These past 3 weeks of revising work with DD surprised me. I usually get edgy but something happened and I was able to ignite the emotional connection. We celebrated many moments of success; each time she triumphed over a difficult Maths problem, we clapped, giggled, high-fived and I could see she felt like there was a flow of positive energy into her. Each day, she looked forward to the revision and she was gaining confidence.

She just did her Maths SA2 yesterday. For the first time, I saw she was really motivated to do well, yet feeling frightened that the exam would be too difficult. She had worked really hard and I told her I was very proud of how much effort she put in and we shall leave the results to God. Inwardly, I was a little proud of myself too. I kept my anger at bay. Must have been the grace of God.

I learnt something precious these past weeks. My child really draws strength and inspiration from me. She believes in herself when I truly believe in her and really show that I believe it.

Getting to this point is not easy Beanbear. Congratulations! The book is easy to understand and grasp. The Doing is quite another matter altogether. And yes... I have never said it but I too... I had to ask God for forgiveness and allow him to refine me because I have a horrendous temper.

Yes... yes. It is the grace of God. On my own strength my anger would have consumed me and my children.

For those who have just bought the book and read it... note that Beanbear bought the book MONTHS ago and it is only NOW that she experiences a breakthrough on Chapter FOUR. The book is easy to understand, not easy to DO.

[winnie_pooh]

Hi Chenonceau


May i know what book is that?

[beanbear]

Truly never underestimate the power of forgiveness. If I stay self-righteous and do not seek forgiveness from my child, I would not be able to flow out real love. My child is ever ready to forgive me. Am I ready to forgive myself and to allow my child to forgive me? Our child is always trying to reach out to us to connect with us in a deep heart-felt way but as adults, we have our own demons to deal with and until we can admit what those demons are, it’s hard to break through and reach a new level of mutual understanding and love with our children.

[Chenonceau]

The thing about sacrificing love on the altar of good grades is that Satan cheats you. You sacrifice all… pay through your nose a very high price… and get no good grades in return. It’s a spiritual ponzi scheme. You will be cheated of everything, your child AND the academic success you want so badly.


However, if one does not lust after the good grades, and focus entirely on loving and connecting with the child… this gives Satan no hold over you… and allows God to take over and bless you in ways you would never imagine. And it doesn’t matter which God you worship.

Aiyo… I hope I even make sense.

[Chenonceau]

slmkhoo:

Chenonceau:

The thing about sacrificing love on the altar of good grades is that Satan cheats you. You sacrifice all... pay through your nose a very high price... and get no good grades in return. It's a spiritual ponzi scheme. You will be cheated of everything, your child AND the academic success you want so badly.


However, if one does not lust after the good grades, and focus entirely on loving and connecting with the child... this gives Satan no hold over you... and allows God to take over and bless you in ways you would never imagine. And it doesn't matter which God you worship.

Aiyo... I hope I even make sense.

I totally agree with you! I also struggled with my older daughter who has some special needs and was not doing as well in school as we thought she could. My husband and I realised after a year or so of school that we were frightening her with our anger and driving her away from us. We had to completely re-evaluate what we wanted for her, and realised that we needed to help her feel that we appreciated her for what she was, even if she wasn't doing very well. When we focused on her effort rather than the results, our relationship got a lot better. She isn't a high achiever by any means, but she is close to us and always turns to us for help. In the long run, that matters more than her results.

:love:

[ammonite]

Yxl, I got your pm but I thought you may also get other useful input here but iwill reply privately when i have a clearer picture. Just want to clarify:

- which area of vision processing is he having trouble with, especially the weakest area? The OT report should have details of that and what it means.
- has he complained of any exact symptoms? You may have to think back to a time when he was younger.

These two questions will help to clarify the degree of difficulties he is experiencing with his vision.

From there you have to deal with it in three parts - working on vision processing, working on the actual schoolwork, working on motivation. It is too much for me to write here and I don’t want to go on a long monologue. When I have a better idea of your situation, I will reply privately.

[Nebbermind]

Yes, it's a spiritual warfare!

Chen, thank you for making it so clear!
May the Lord continue to bless you and your words continue to minister to our hearts!
:snuggles:

[ammonite]

This has nothing to do with religion.

[Nebbermind]

:goodpost:

slmkhoo:

ammonite:

This has nothing to do with religion.

It doesn't except for the individual. I think that as long as we apply the religious significance only to ourselves and to others who may share the same convictions, it should be OK to say so.