Why do children steal & how to overcome it?

[SBKS]

beanbear:

Emstan, You're a good mum and you haven't failed. It's clear you've spent much time and effort teaching your child important values and you're disappointed with what has happened. I've also felt really bad when my kids started stealing when they went into primary school. These are some insights I've gathered from hindsight.


First, we assume kids understand the full implications of stealing. In their world, buying things without permission, taking someone else's things may be moments of impulse. They are not \"evil\" actions - ie acting out of malicious intent. That's the thwarted mind of an adult. Children's sense of morality and rational thinking are still developing and so when they act, it's alot of impulsivity going on. Children need time & guidance to develop this capacity to resist impulses, temptations.

Secondly, we assume teaching them a set of rules regarding right & wrong means they will internalize it and be consistent in acting upon these rules. Again children learn consistency over time with guidance.

Thirdly, we assume kids know how to manage money and know the value of money. Again it's skills that get developed over time with guidance.

What did I do with my own kids when they stole & lied at early Primary levels? Well, I over-reacted a lot!!! I blew up, I caned, I cried, my kids cried. Did the stealing stop after caning? No. Which means Caning & Punishment don't correct behaviour. They tell the child mummy is very unhappy and the action is wrong but punishments do not help a child develop a capacity to make better choices.

How did the behaviour get corrected then? I spent quite a bit of time reflecting about this and then came up with this system. First, I must understand that the child's world is filled with peer influence, competition and TEMPTATIONS. Then I ask myself, how do I make my child's world with his family MORE attractive than the world at school? I conceptualise a way for my child to \"buy\" things with money he has earned or saved. We started tracking the amount of money saved every week, and my kids also get reward star stamps which get converted into $. Then each month, we go out and buy something, usually worth $10. The agreement I establish with them is that they cannot buy anything from the bookshop. It's delaying gratification. If they buy something, pocket money and star stamps get taken away. So they start to think it's not worth it. It's more GRATIFYING to buy things with mummy and it's more rewarding. Kids like the feeling of earning and being rewarded for good behaviour. Now this system only works if a parent does NOT frequently buy stuff for their kids. My own friends buy many stuff for their kids on a regular basis and when they used this system with their kids, it doesn't work coz they kids have become immune and things come too easily to them. It's a fine balance between deprivation & gratification.

How did I help my kids develop honesty? Well, I started to get to know my kids teachers and my kids friends. I let my kids know that Truth prevails and that mummy has superpowers of knowing the truth because their classmates & teachers & other parents will somehow tell me what's going on at school. I tell my kids that I usually take their words at face value. If they say it's the truth I'll believe them. If I find out the truth from someone else, the consequences will be worse than if they tell the truth on their own accord. No severe punishment for telling the truth in my face, alot of counselling and some admonishment. They get to choose their own consequences for bad behaviour eg no TV. BUT if I find out the truth from another party, the consequences are soooo big, it's not worth it.

Have this system worked? So far, it's been working quite well for my 3 kids who are in primary school. Number 3 has been inducted into the system so well that we have no issues with stealing & lying. I guess I learnt from parenting No 1 & 2 so that I could develop this system that benefits the younger kids.

As usual, parenting is always work in progress. We have good days and bad days. What's important is my kids know the moral standards we give them and for primary school kids, I find it's helpful to make rules black & white. No grey lines.

wahpiang ..another :goodpost: from you. :thankyou:

the balancing there is very very very impt and risky. any imbalance may throw the system offline. is there any guidelines you have or tips to ensure the balance is there?

you mentioned something like $10. if they want more than that how do you approach this?

Thanks in advance for sharing.

[josephine_ng]

Maybe if they want more, then they have to work for it?


Say if the star stamps worth $10 and the things that he wanted worth $12, then he has to sweep the floor or wash the dishes to earn that $2.

[SBKS]

ok.


actually come to think of it, making them work for their reward is good.

but will there be some who will think if no reward, i won’t do it? So in the end, everything becomes money oriented tasks?

[josephine_ng]

Don’t do then take away star stamps…?

[SBKS]

ok that will do…


maybe we should explain to them to do it first, explain why they need to do it. then last resort is to take away stamps…

[Raemuumy]

I also use the star stamps system. and it works well on my two DS. My husband explained clearly to them how they can earn a star and how they can lose a star as well based on their behaviors and results. So they know the rules very well before we start the system.

[yc_mw]

Hi all,


Just to revive this thread.

Any parents encounter their teenage child stealing?

He was caught in primary school before but there was no reoccurring. However, the theft issue came back again recently after having been promoted to sec one.

Looking forward to hearing from everyone here.

[sharonkhoo]

yc_mw:

Hi all,


Just to revive this thread.

Any parents encounter their teenage child stealing?

He was caught in primary school before but there was no reoccurring. However, the theft issue came back again recently after having been promoted to sec one.

Looking forward to hearing from everyone here.

No actual experience. Have you found out what the underlying reasons are? Is it greed, or because he feels deprived of something? Or he wants to show off? Or could it be attention-seeking because of something else in his life? Since there has been a big change (going to new school etc), something there could be a trigger.

[yc_mw]

slmkhoo:

yc_mw:

Hi all,


Just to revive this thread.

Any parents encounter their teenage child stealing?

He was caught in primary school before but there was no reoccurring. However, the theft issue came back again recently after having been promoted to sec one.

Looking forward to hearing from everyone here.

No actual experience. Have you found out what the underlying reasons are? Is it greed, or because he feels deprived of something? Or he wants to show off? Or could it be attention-seeking because of something else in his life? Since there has been a big change (going to new school etc), something there could be a trigger.

Hi sImkhoo,

Thanks for your reply.

No idea on what's his motive for stealing as son did not wish to communicate with his parents. When told of the consequences (of stealing), such as sent to boys home or expelled from school, he merely shrugged his shoulders and say expel expel lor.

Recently got caught a second time in school again. Big headache for the parents.

Any parents who encounter similar situations prior, please kindly share the actions taken and reactions from the child. TIA

[sharonkhoo]

yc_mw:

No idea on what's his motive for stealing as son did not wish to communicate with his parents. When told of the consequences (of stealing), such as sent to boys home or expelled from school, he merely shrugged his shoulders and say expel expel lor.


Recently got caught a second time in school again. Big headache for the parents.

Any parents who encounter similar situations prior, please kindly share the actions taken and reactions from the child. TIA

Without knowing the cause, it will be hard to take right action. Eg. if it's attention-seeking, then telling him about consequences won't help as that will give him (negative) attention, which subconsciously he may feel is better than nothing. Of if it's greed, then he needs to be convinced that materialism is bad for him.

What about seeing a counsellor? There should be a school counsellor. That may somewhere to start.