Why do children steal & how to overcome it?
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Hi!
I saw the TV programme and heard from proffessionals that children steal cos they need parents attention.They need parents love.They have everything but they still want to steal and they can’t control themselves.Please see a doctor/psychiatrist.Don’t ignore this.If you see a doctor/psychiatrist early is better.
My POV.
Good Luck! -
Parents of daughters should also watch out if your girls bring home things that do not belong to them.
Girls, especially teenage to 20s, are often arrested for shoplifting. The items may not be very expensive but they tend to be pretty things which they like a lot, eg. a blouse, a hair clip, a cute notebook or other stationery.
These acts of stealing are not out of need or poverty. The parents are not necessarily poor. In fact, many parents are horrified and cannot believe when told of the theft in the police station. -
UncleLim:
Why girls? What about boys?Parents of daughters should also watch out if your girls bring home things that do not belong to them.
Girls, especially teenage to 20s, are often arrested for shoplifting. The items may not be very expensive but they tend to be pretty things which they like a lot, eg. a blouse, a hair clip, a cute notebook or other stationery.
These acts of stealing are not out of need or poverty. The parents are not necessarily poor. In fact, many parents are horrified and cannot believe when told of the theft in the police station. -
Hi,
Sorry for the long story.
I am a mother of a 7 yr old gal. She is our only child and we love and dotes her alot. Ever since the start of Pri 1, she started lying to us just to buy things from the sch bookshop. Her lies where seen thru by us and we explained to her why she can’t tell lies and deducted her allowance as a punishment.
Today, I saw 2 new glitter stickers on her pencil case and asked if she bought it from school again. She told me she did not and after questioning her, she told me that she actually took it from her classmate without asking. I asked her if she know that what she did was stealing and she said yes. I was quite lost as I was too shocked to know how to deal with it and eventually decided to talked to her instead of scolding her.
She said she had a fight with a classmate over a group project and she felt upset over it. So she "vent" her sadness into stealing those stickers (which belongs to another classmate). I have explained to her why stealing is wrong and it’s ok to have arguments while doing groups projects as everyone have their own ideas on doing things, just share n do your best. I’m not sure if she really understand me. I told her to return the stickers to her classmates when sch starts next tues and to apologize for what she did.
After these lying turn stealing issues, I feel that I failed badly as a mum and I’m totally lost in handling her in future. I thought I have done my best in teaching her the good and bad but ended up she is behaving this way at such young age made me feel so helpless. My hubby suggested that we should speak to the form teacher on this and see if she can help to monitor her in school, I’m not sure if this will work and im worried it might affect my gal as she is quite sensitive.
I would appreciate if anyone have similar experiences to share and guide me how to teach my gal into a better person? Thanks in advance! -
Emstan, You’re a good mum and you haven’t failed. It’s clear you’ve spent much time and effort teaching your child important values and you’re disappointed with what has happened. I’ve also felt really bad when my kids started stealing when they went into primary school. These are some insights I’ve gathered from hindsight.
First, we assume kids understand the full implications of stealing. In their world, buying things without permission, taking someone else’s things may be moments of impulse. They are not "evil" actions - ie acting out of malicious intent. That’s the thwarted mind of an adult. Children’s sense of morality and rational thinking are still developing and so when they act, it’s alot of impulsivity going on. Children need time & guidance to develop this capacity to resist impulses, temptations.
Secondly, we assume teaching them a set of rules regarding right & wrong means they will internalize it and be consistent in acting upon these rules. Again children learn consistency over time with guidance.
Thirdly, we assume kids know how to manage money and know the value of money. Again it’s skills that get developed over time with guidance.
What did I do with my own kids when they stole & lied at early Primary levels? Well, I over-reacted a lot!!! I blew up, I caned, I cried, my kids cried. Did the stealing stop after caning? No. Which means Caning & Punishment don’t correct behaviour. They tell the child mummy is very unhappy and the action is wrong but punishments do not help a child develop a capacity to make better choices.
How did the behaviour get corrected then? I spent quite a bit of time reflecting about this and then came up with this system. First, I must understand that the child’s world is filled with peer influence, competition and TEMPTATIONS. Then I ask myself, how do I make my child’s world with his family MORE attractive than the world at school? I conceptualise a way for my child to "buy" things with money he has earned or saved. We started tracking the amount of money saved every week, and my kids also get reward star stamps which get converted into $. Then each month, we go out and buy something, usually worth $10. The agreement I establish with them is that they cannot buy anything from the bookshop. It’s delaying gratification. If they buy something, pocket money and star stamps get taken away. So they start to think it’s not worth it. It’s more GRATIFYING to buy things with mummy and it’s more rewarding. Kids like the feeling of earning and being rewarded for good behaviour. Now this system only works if a parent does NOT frequently buy stuff for their kids. My own friends buy many stuff for their kids on a regular basis and when they used this system with their kids, it doesn’t work coz they kids have become immune and things come too easily to them. It’s a fine balance between deprivation & gratification.
How did I help my kids develop honesty? Well, I started to get to know my kids teachers and my kids friends. I let my kids know that Truth prevails and that mummy has superpowers of knowing the truth because their classmates & teachers & other parents will somehow tell me what’s going on at school. I tell my kids that I usually take their words at face value. If they say it’s the truth I’ll believe them. If I find out the truth from someone else, the consequences will be worse than if they tell the truth on their own accord. No severe punishment for telling the truth in my face, alot of counselling and some admonishment. They get to choose their own consequences for bad behaviour eg no TV. BUT if I find out the truth from another party, the consequences are soooo big, it’s not worth it.
Have this system worked? So far, it’s been working quite well for my 3 kids who are in primary school. Number 3 has been inducted into the system so well that we have no issues with stealing & lying. I guess I learnt from parenting No 1 & 2 so that I could develop this system that benefits the younger kids.
As usual, parenting is always work in progress. We have good days and bad days. What’s important is my kids know the moral standards we give them and for primary school kids, I find it’s helpful to make rules black & white. No grey lines. -
beanbear:
:goodpost: :rahrah: :rahrah:Emstan, You're a good mum and you haven't failed. It's clear you've spent much time and effort teaching your child important values and you're disappointed with what has happened. I've also felt really bad when my kids started stealing when they went into primary school. These are some insights I've gathered from hindsight.
First, we assume kids understand the full implications of stealing. In their world, buying things without permission, taking someone else's things may be moments of impulse. They are not \"evil\" actions - ie acting out of malicious intent. That's the thwarted mind of an adult. Children's sense of morality and rational thinking are still developing and so when they act, it's alot of impulsivity going on. Children need time & guidance to develop this capacity to resist impulses, temptations.
Secondly, we assume teaching them a set of rules regarding right & wrong means they will internalize it and be consistent in acting upon these rules. Again children learn consistency over time with guidance.
Thirdly, we assume kids know how to manage money and know the value of money. Again it's skills that get developed over time with guidance.
What did I do with my own kids when they stole & lied at early Primary levels? Well, I over-reacted a lot!!! I blew up, I caned, I cried, my kids cried. Did the stealing stop after caning? No. Which means Caning & Punishment don't correct behaviour. They tell the child mummy is very unhappy and the action is wrong but punishments do not help a child develop a capacity to make better choices.
How did the behaviour get corrected then? I spent quite a bit of time reflecting about this and then came up with this system. First, I must understand that the child's world is filled with peer influence, competition and TEMPTATIONS. Then I ask myself, how do I make my child's world with his family MORE attractive than the world at school? I conceptualise a way for my child to \"buy\" things with money he has earned or saved. We started tracking the amount of money saved every week, and my kids also get reward star stamps which get converted into $. Then each month, we go out and buy something, usually worth $10. The agreement I establish with them is that they cannot buy anything from the bookshop. It's delaying gratification. If they buy something, pocket money and star stamps get taken away. So they start to think it's not worth it. It's more GRATIFYING to buy things with mummy and it's more rewarding. Kids like the feeling of earning and being rewarded for good behaviour. Now this system only works if a parent does NOT frequently buy stuff for their kids. My own friends buy many stuff for their kids on a regular basis and when they used this system with their kids, it doesn't work coz they kids have become immune and things come too easily to them. It's a fine balance between deprivation & gratification.
How did I help my kids develop honesty? Well, I started to get to know my kids teachers and my kids friends. I let my kids know that Truth prevails and that mummy has superpowers of knowing the truth because their classmates & teachers & other parents will somehow tell me what's going on at school. I tell my kids that I usually take their words at face value. If they say it's the truth I'll believe them. If I find out the truth from someone else, the consequences will be worse than if they tell the truth on their own accord. No severe punishment for telling the truth in my face, alot of counselling and some admonishment. They get to choose their own consequences for bad behaviour eg no TV. BUT if I find out the truth from another party, the consequences are soooo big, it's not worth it.
Have this system worked? So far, it's been working quite well for my 3 kids who are in primary school. Number 3 has been inducted into the system so well that we have no issues with stealing & lying. I guess I learnt from parenting No 1 & 2 so that I could develop this system that benefits the younger kids.
As usual, parenting is always work in progress. We have good days and bad days. What's important is my kids know the moral standards we give them and for primary school kids, I find it's helpful to make rules black & white. No grey lines. -
Raising children are akin to flying kite. Sometimes, we tighten the string, sometimes we let it goes a little loose, and in doing so, the kite will soar to greater heights.
Children will always be children. They will always be tempted buy what the bookshop has for sale. Personally, while I do not allow my children to buy anything unnecessary from the book shop, I will give them S$2 - S$3 every term, usually around the 8th week, to allow them to buy anything from the bookshop. It has worked well for me. Sometimes, the children doesn’t even spend the $2 or $3 anymore because they "do not know what to buy and cannot decide what to buy", so they end up saving the money instead. My balancing line is, I can aim to minimise unnecessary spending from my children, but not to the extent that they feel deprived. -
"Does boys behave such manner as they grew up in different stages??"
Actually, no, it’s not normal. He’s probably facing problems and needs attention. Are you spending sufficient time with him? Before this incident I mean. One common reason why kids misbehave is to get their parents’ attention. -
Some kids are just curious and want to experience it. When my brother was young he stole from the school bookshop and got caught, too. Funny how he was stealing 10-cent erasers when we could very well afford it.
We thought he wanted attention but he eventually explained that he’s always wanted to experience stealing after watching all those dramas or crime shows.
Just need to correct & talk to him, I guess. And he’ll grow out of it. -
beanbear:
Emstan, You're a good mum and you haven't failed. It's clear you've spent much time and effort teaching your child important values and you're disappointed with what has happened. I've also felt really bad when my kids started stealing when they went into primary school. These are some insights I've gathered from hindsight.
First, we assume kids understand the full implications of stealing. In their world, buying things without permission, taking someone else's things may be moments of impulse. They are not \"evil\" actions - ie acting out of malicious intent. That's the thwarted mind of an adult. Children's sense of morality and rational thinking are still developing and so when they act, it's alot of impulsivity going on. Children need time & guidance to develop this capacity to resist impulses, temptations.
Secondly, we assume teaching them a set of rules regarding right & wrong means they will internalize it and be consistent in acting upon these rules. Again children learn consistency over time with guidance.
Thirdly, we assume kids know how to manage money and know the value of money. Again it's skills that get developed over time with guidance.
What did I do with my own kids when they stole & lied at early Primary levels? Well, I over-reacted a lot!!! I blew up, I caned, I cried, my kids cried. Did the stealing stop after caning? No. Which means Caning & Punishment don't correct behaviour. They tell the child mummy is very unhappy and the action is wrong but punishments do not help a child develop a capacity to make better choices.
How did the behaviour get corrected then? I spent quite a bit of time reflecting about this and then came up with this system. First, I must understand that the child's world is filled with peer influence, competition and TEMPTATIONS. Then I ask myself, how do I make my child's world with his family MORE attractive than the world at school? I conceptualise a way for my child to \"buy\" things with money he has earned or saved. We started tracking the amount of money saved every week, and my kids also get reward star stamps which get converted into $. Then each month, we go out and buy something, usually worth $10. The agreement I establish with them is that they cannot buy anything from the bookshop. It's delaying gratification. If they buy something, pocket money and star stamps get taken away. So they start to think it's not worth it. It's more GRATIFYING to buy things with mummy and it's more rewarding. Kids like the feeling of earning and being rewarded for good behaviour. Now this system only works if a parent does NOT frequently buy stuff for their kids. My own friends buy many stuff for their kids on a regular basis and when they used this system with their kids, it doesn't work coz they kids have become immune and things come too easily to them. It's a fine balance between deprivation & gratification.
How did I help my kids develop honesty? Well, I started to get to know my kids teachers and my kids friends. I let my kids know that Truth prevails and that mummy has superpowers of knowing the truth because their classmates & teachers & other parents will somehow tell me what's going on at school. I tell my kids that I usually take their words at face value. If they say it's the truth I'll believe them. If I find out the truth from someone else, the consequences will be worse than if they tell the truth on their own accord. No severe punishment for telling the truth in my face, alot of counselling and some admonishment. They get to choose their own consequences for bad behaviour eg no TV. BUT if I find out the truth from another party, the consequences are soooo big, it's not worth it.
Have this system worked? So far, it's been working quite well for my 3 kids who are in primary school. Number 3 has been inducted into the system so well that we have no issues with stealing & lying. I guess I learnt from parenting No 1 & 2 so that I could develop this system that benefits the younger kids.
As usual, parenting is always work in progress. We have good days and bad days. What's important is my kids know the moral standards we give them and for primary school kids, I find it's helpful to make rules black & white. No grey lines.
wahpiang ..another :goodpost: from you. :thankyou:
the balancing there is very very very impt and risky. any imbalance may throw the system offline. is there any guidelines you have or tips to ensure the balance is there?
you mentioned something like $10. if they want more than that how do you approach this?
Thanks in advance for sharing.
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